30th July (morning)

I thought I can express freely in my blog but I never expect it will cause her to think so negative... From now on, I will only post things that are positive. This will be my last post on negative things..

Despite I had put in so much effort and done so much, the word "give up" never seem to leave her mouth. Not sure if she know the word is very disheartening to me... Are "can't bear to see you leave", "feel touched", "a place in her heart", "happy when with you" just words only, does that have significant meaning? If there is, can show me with some action... My blog, sms and action seem like a one way "transmission", or writing my feeling and problem on to a piece of paper and throw into the sea. There is always no response, I never get to know what her "feedback" thinking is. Her only reaction to them end up "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"... Sometime I already can predict her answer... Maybe to her and him, love is only words.. She say she is considering on the relation between three of us... But does I actually stand on the same level as him during the consideration? Where I stand in her heart? If I not wrong, first is family, second him, third friends, follow by work and maybe the last is me... The idea she give me is she can still do anything even when she tired except going out with me.. Only when I really troubled or feeling low, she will offer me a support... or start to show her concern...

Yesterday had a bad day with my manager, he seem to finding faults with me.. Then the kid remind me that I must had "offend" my boss again, that why bad feedback is floating around. I thought she can share my problems but end up between us also got problems. Go back home, my mother also give me problems... I wonder what did I do to deserve this? So many problems and yet in front of others, I still had to 强言欢笑... acting like nothing had happened at all...

男人不坏, 女人不爱... I start to believe it... All his "wrong doing" seem forgivable and acceptable by her.. Her interaction with him also doesn't seem to show a sign of slow down which I known of. Maybe the only way I can take over him is after he committed an offence again. That maybe is also the time where her consideration will have a conclusion. I also slowly understand the phase 自作多情, come to think of it, beside that sunday when I sensed her concern, there is never other times... Most of the time, I had to initial stuff such as when free to meet, and this also subject to if she want to... 尽人事, 听天命, what I can do, I already did... maybe I should stop asking her this and that.. just wait for her to tell me... "也许放弃才能靠近你, 不再想你, 你才会把我记起" maybe this is true.. Her action tell me, in her heart, he is always the first priority... No matter how much effort I put in and what wrong he did as long as it is not breach of agreement, I will never be able to replace him.. 努力的付出不一定会有回报... is really tiring and disappointing when one had really put in a lot of effort and yet there is no sign of positive sign...

Can she tell me all this is wrong? This is what I assume only.. Most importantly, stop giving me "reasons" that she also can't convince herself... I really wonder what drug he had given her, making her to be so forgiving and so "loyal"... Since she so free to think of so many stupid excuses for me to give up, why don't she think of "requirements" on how I can win her over...
Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head
That's Why You Go Away