Finale....

Let me guess what happened. Yesterday night, you stay over at his house. I try to deceive myself that after your bbq, his place is nearer but my memory told me, he live in north, you in west and your bbq is at west also. I can't find another lie to cover this lie, sorry. When you told me you want to think over the weekend, for once, I really believed that. But when all those "signs" show you are at his house, I know I am been a fool again. I feel disappointed but never mind, as this is not the first time. Maybe the way you think is different, you need to be with someone to think better... I wonder what is the purpose of sms me last night. To find out why I replied in such a way to your earlier sms? Or just for the sake of asking?

I hope you can tell me what I guess is wrong. I try very hard to deceive myself for the night but I just can't help feeling this way. I don't know how is you and him recently, but I guess still going on fine. Have you really been fair? You keep saying considering or thinking but you didn't give him and you a break period, so you can make a better decision. Instead, every now and then, you and him still the same, sms, phone, go out and stay over at his house while I just can silently doing things behind you. So you telling me this is fair?

You told me your mum and aunt had good impression of him. No doubt it will be good but why don't you tell them the "mistake" he commit, what he like to do and his character? I wonder will their impression change after you tell them... This is just like a sales talk, only promote the good and don't say the bad. Maybe again, this is your way of doing...

I really wonder the reason of you want me to stay. Happy working with me? Constant lunchmate? Or is it someone will at least be there to cover? I know you will be dishearten to hear this and I also feel very hurt to tell you this. But I not like you, that always keep things in suspense. Maybe I shall tell you, if I am not around and you still in this site, you can forget going for your saturday training. Almost every sat, you will need to come back. This site is not like your previous site, we don't practise work finish then come and see. You will be more tiring than now. I not sure if you know me and your site manager had lightened your workload. I can simply don't bother about smart arms, cleaning, miscellaneous stuff and A&A works. In the end, you think who will the site manager assign to? I think somehow working in this site will affect your relationship with him, but I just don't want to see that. Just think since your stay here, how many times you go back earlier than us? Not to mention on sat that you come later than us...

I had written this at 2.46 am with my handphone. It may sound disheartening, hurt to you but sorry, that is how moody I am feeling now. Partly, I also very jealous you and him still going on so well. So again, my guessing is wrong again? Anyway, you don't need to be sway by my tender, I will not let you know when will that happen and I sure site manager will help me to keep it a secret if I request to. You can tell me your thinking, consideration, explanation, planning, feeling, answer, etc, (which I don't think you will) but I can't promise you that my tender will be sway by your action. Maybe this time I feel totally disappointed after so many times.

I just want to tell you I had never doubt your care and concern towards me and I really appreciate that. You told me you had feelings for me and I also believe. But the longer you drag, the lesser confidence I had, because I know I am on the losing end as you still had him. I wanted to ask you out a few times but I think the topic will somehow go back to your decision and it might up end up like 8 aug night. That why I don't want to force you anymore but that doesn't mean I am not eager to know. I hope you will understand that I not trying to "blame", "threaten", "scold" you but maybe is due to tired, stress, insecure recently.

7.24am
Somehow you seem to had taken me for granted, always be there for you. I think is time you need to stand up on your own. I can't always be around. There had been times that I am "rectifying" your unintentional "mistakes" behind you, just that you don't know. To you, maybe you didn't notice and thought everything went smooth. I don't think you know that there are a few sunday that I am not feeling well or is raining, I still make my way back to office, as I had told you I will cover on your behalf.. I always told you sat I can handle, because I don't want you to feel bad, but do you know how exactly busy I am? Running up and down. By the time, you and your manager reach, I had either clear the work or everything is in progress and to you, it may seem I had a relax morning. I think you don't know, your manager had came earlier a few times just to help me out as she had told me personally. She also asked me why you are not around and why I always cover for you, I just told her that is ok, not that hard and I can handle it myself and you also got cover for me... I know you like your training very much, that why I always suggest you go training while I cover your work. Maybe I too sensitive, I realise whenever the sat I not around, your manager will arrange fewer jobs for that day. I think is time you had to pick up what belong to you, I believe the next engineer will not do so much.

All those stuffs that I had given you, you can just throw away like the flowers. Don't let them affect your relationship with him. Don't worry, I will still help in whatever I can while still around but I guess I will not be around to join in this year ORQ CRES christmas celebration. I had thought me and you as a "we" can celebrate christmas with rest of the team but I think the wish can't be fulfill...

10.15pm
This post I don't intend to upload... Maybe I just don't bear to do so after your request and end up considering... I watched 老婆大人 drama.. I dare to say I will try to be the husband as what shown in the drama, caring and loving you, always stand by you and ready to lend you my shoulder. The drama had also touched me for a certain degree, so I decided to give myself a final last chance, will you be fair and give me a chance to go after you? I can forget what had happened, accept your personnal problems, share your sorrows and problems. I will not because you accepted my request and take you for granted. I will treasure you, continue to do what I had done and will fulfill all those that I had written inside this blog and the letter. I will cheer you up, make you happy and not let you feel sad as much as I can. Should we got a chance to go into relationship, I not only will be good to you but also your family. I will never let you and them regret for me been with you. If your decision is not to give me a chance, I will respect your decision, hope you will find your happiness and don't regret your decision. I will not disturb you again, neither will I share my problems or tell you what and when I am going to do... I will sincerely wish you and him have a happy future. Hope he can continue to keep you happy and do whatever I had done for you.