6 days...

Now is 17 september, 11.28pm. Just as I started to write my first word after a long consideration, I received her sms. It may seem fake, but I also find it so coincidence. Is this call fate, affinity? When will I upload this post, I also can't confirm.

Since her sms on monday night asking me not to "push" her for an answer before shutdown, I told her I will never ask her for an answer even after shutdown. At that moment, she told me she still can't decide. If that really the reason, up to now, I still believe even after shutdown, she also can't have an answer. How long she need? She had been thinking from end august...

Saw the tv program 芳心有李 earlier on. Who say working in the same place can't be together? Isn't fann and chris getting married? I believe if 2 person truly love each other, nothing is impossible. Isn't 细心, 体贴, 关心, 孝顺 are what a girl usually want from a guy? Doesn't girl want a better and more suitable guy in terms of character, interest, etc. for her? But if I possess all these, why can't I just be together with her when we both had feelings for each other? Just because of the love she had for him despite of his disappointing reaction and character. Is love really that great? Can people survive on love only without food?

From tuesday till now, I had not switch on my laptop, no msn and even off the office bchat. Maybe I really want to stop all communication with her, even talking also to minimum. Can this period of time make us really realise where does we stand in each other heart? Or I had think too much again? These few days to her are just like normal days? No matter how 难受 and舍不得, I decided to keep it inside my heart. I can feel stress is piling up but I not going to tell her. Shutdown preparation has a number of hiccups along the way but manage to solve it so far. Maybe this is the last time I doing or because of her, I wanted this shutdown report to be one of the best in the asia pacific sites. Why I say because of her? Cause I want her to feel proud of me and acknowledge my achievement. But will there be a chance of that? Can she always stay by side and share all my happiness and achievement one after another? My vendor had been saying how capable I am, but how capable can I be when I am just a lonely person that fail to win her heart.

I had been asking myself what should I do these few days. In the end, I still don't know what to do. I know I miss her very much. But what can I do? I also unbear to leave this site. The happy ending I hope for will be we can be together and continue to work in this site at least till end of this year. This might seem sad for her as it will mean breakup with him. But she will have a "better" guy with her. Even if I don't exist, will their relationship meant to last? Am I spoiling a relationship by been a third party or am I just bringing forward an incident that will happen in the future?

I start to feel I am walking the same path as my site manager. Our way of working and career "attitude" seem to be the same. And I can seen our interaction had a sudden improvement since she arrived these few months. Our topic seem to be getting wider. That should be a good sign but it also mean there is another consideration when leaving the site.


18 September
A bad day but not for me. What me and my site manager discussed earlier on become a fact today. A secret between us become an open secret. She had asked if I am interested to cross over and can helped me talked to her boss. I told her if I cross over, I will follow her only and not other managers. The other she told me she will most probably not going back to her previous company. This taking over will most probably be effective from next January. Maybe this will be an ending for us and our "relationship" will drift apart. Isn't that a good sign? No need to bother about decision anymore.

Had lunch with her today. Somehow I can feel we are quite happy during that time, chatting, eating, walking. We also seem to walk quite close together. We can be like this everyday but is up to her to decide. Does she also feel so happy when with him? Does he also have so much same interest as her? I guess that this time round, time is getting shorter, either I tender or they crossing over come first. Will she treasure the time and quickly decide? I really don't wish to lose her but I know I can't be so 执着. I need to learn how to 拿得起, 放得下. When is not meant for me, no point forcing. There will be no happiness and only result in more misery. The reason why I don't want to update my blog is I still can't accept that till date, she still can't decide. I know the moment I see her, no matter how hard hearted I am, my heart will melt.

I notice what her mum likes through her. If we are together, I not only be attentive to her but also to her parents. But things just like to happen different from what I think. I think is time to slowly give up. I don't want to sink any deeper. Lesser interaction with her might help in giving up.


19 September
1 week to shutdown. It may seem long but I know it will come soon. I don't think after shutdown she will got answer and I don't bother to ask also. Somehow I feel her can't decide answer is just an "excuse" to cover her answer. Now she is happily with him and I am alone. Doesn't that tell her answer? Whole day today, I try very hard not to talk to her and somehow I succeed. I think she can also sensed I am ignoring her. Why bother to sms me and say "I am sorry I am unable to watch the dance performance with you" when both of us already knew it. Trying to sprinkle salt on my wound? Or telling me he is the guy she prefer? Always telling me how good I treat and care for her, even better from him, and yet in the end, because she like him more, she had stay with him. Since she want to choose the guy that his character she don't like, his clubbing interest she don't like, his disappointed answer and reaction she don't like, hurt her before, what else can I say? I already say if she can't leave him because of love now, no matter how many mistakes he made in future, she will also can't leave him, even how determine and confirm she can say now. I am very sad that we can't be together but life still had to go on...

Time is running out since the team taking over news is released. I not trying to pressure her but it might be too late before she finally realise. If she really had feelings for me, can she just forsake him and I will slowly filled her heart with feelings for me. Can we just let the plant grow before the time run out? Things are not going as what they seem to be. There are too many hidden "secrets" which I can't reveal. I wonder what make her so hard to decide? Just because of feelings only? Now she say is hard to explain to her parents if breakup. When this drag on and she bring him to meet her relatives, she will tell me is hard to explain to so many people... Same like the 2.5 years relationship. When time goes by, will the 2.5 become back to 2 or 1?

I guess she will feel sad and missed him for a while only if she breakup with him. But she definitely will not regret. What does this tell? A human is made of feelings, whether is there love involved is not important. When something been together for years, suddenly gone apart, there is always sadness. Why no regret? Because in one heart, she already know there is a better future waiting for her. Just like going to school and graduate. Will one regret after graduate? No... just sad that it had finished.

But as usual, she will still have her own "reasons" which seem unacceptable to me. I really can't understand her. I thought tonight I can talk with her online after a week of less interaction. But same, she still want to stay at his house. I don't understand why. Her bed every Saturday can't be slept? If my girlfriend tell me she got intention to break and there is another guy that seem to be better than me and she also got feeling for him, my relationship with her somehow will be affected and less contact with her and not to mention every Saturday let her stay at my house. So what is his intention? Already know his girlfriend had feeling for another guy and yet still can go on with her like normal... I really can't find a reason beside buying time for a better one to come. She think she really can make him tell the truth, she had over estimate herself or under estimate a guy lying power. The world is not as simple as what she think, especially for those that frequent clubbing, pubbing. Anyway it none of my concern.. She choose the path she want to walk. I also had decide what to do even though is unbearing...


20 September
This whole week I been "forcing" myself to sleep to escape. Don't want to face anything especially my laptop. Work and sleep my daily cycle. I feel like withdrawing. Can I don't suppress anything? If anyone not happy with her on work matters, can I not do anything as that doesn't concern me, unless it is the site manager that ask me to do. Without any special reasons, can I don't lunch with her? Will there still be happy lunch with her?

I thought she will reply to my blog or write an email to tell me something in this 1 week but in the end, nothing. She can still happily go past everyday, maybe he is back. Up till now, she can tell me how better and good I am from him, and she will like me more than him if we are together. Doesn't that seem easy to decide? But no, almost 1 month and still can't decide. What is the reason then? I think without a face to face talk, nothing can be solved. But I also scare. She can sound she is ready to break at that moment and the next day, she can take it as nothing happen and continue with him.

She had not told her mum anything as I had expected even though that Friday she can sound till so determine. I believe she is mature enough to think for her own future, who the best guy for her, not only for the time being but down the road and not just base on current feeling only. Just like switching job, it will be unbearing to leave the current job and switch to a new job. Everything had to restart again, adapt to the new environment and know new colleagues. And worst, that person have to face everything alone. The situation now is the same. If she break, she have to restart everything. But the difference is I will accompany and face everything with her. I will let her know my everything, from my family to my friends. The most important is we will be happy together.

I hate weekends and holidays. Staying inside the house with the quarrels made me stress. The only way to vent it out I think is through blogging. Why my family is so "special"? My own problem already stress and instead of providing advice to me, they keep adding more stress to me. How good if we are together. I will ask her out or go to her house and help her to do household chores or watch drama. Then I no need to face the quarrel. Should I accept my friend invitation to go drinking tonight? At least I can stop thinking for that duration.

I curious when she with him, does they have so much common topic or interest to talk? Does he also watch drama? Like what she like to do or just "forcing" himself to do? Understand what she wants? Attentive to her preference? Is she happier with him than with me?

祸不单行, not only mood not good, but also down with cold. If when one sneeze, that mean got someone thinking of him, that will be good, as whole evening I been sneezing. Is she thinking of me? I think 接二连三 is more suitable. Knee suddenly ache again... Maybe I had walked too much today.

Sometime I don't mean for what I said. No matter how I say I want to withdraw, the next moment I know is hard to do that and give up the idea. Can she just listen to his suggestion and be together with me and let the feelings develop? If I can be with her, I will not leave her or do anything that break her heart but I afraid is the other way round, she will leave me which I will try my best not to let that happen... I like her is for what she is and not her appearance, no matter what her previous relationship can't accept, seriously I will not mind as I am not that superficial. She will always have the priority in my heart.

If he truly love her, I don't mind giving up and can he stop giving her disappointment. If he doesn't, can he just tell her truthfully and breakup with her. Don't keep this dragging on...

有时牺牲了一切，到头来还是一无所有，回想起来真笨，不知道为了什么

Quarrel again... What shall I do? 6 days never upload anything. Did she check my blog daily? Did she got a bit of something amiss feeling? Did she miss me? I don't know what I did for the past 1 week is right or wrong. I only know 我很想她，很舍不得她. If I don't upload this, I will regret if she misunderstood anything. Can she tell me what I had misunderstood about her?