11th September

Today is the 3rd year of my stay in this job but I don't feel the least happy... The down feeling just find it way to me. I don't feel like blogging tonight but you want me to share with you why I am moody and what had happened. In the end, I can't resist your "request" and write a long blog... Your concern to me today is more than just friends, I don't know if you feel the same? When I am unhappy, you will be unhappy also and vice versa, I will not be happy when you are not.

You give me a feeling that you are escaping rather than thinking. If I bring up the "decision" topic, you will choose not to answer and escape... If I don't bring up, we can talk freely and happily, but I will feel it is unfair to me, as end of the day, he is still the one that got the status recognition. You told me I can ask you if I have doubt but I afraid it will become like "forcing" you and end up in you making a hasty decision.

Why I say decision doesn't lie with you? You told me you want to breakup with him and bring him to the bank to close your shared account but when he refused, you will accept his refusal... No matter how determine you are, when he say he don't want to break, you will not break... even he still give you disappointment... This weekend he will be overseas and I guess you will not have any decision.. If he go for half a year, sad to say during this period, you also can't have any decision.. the reason is he didn't state he want to break a not... To wait for your decision, I would rather say is waiting for his decision... Please tell me what I assume is wrong...

My guess: Luckily he is overseas for this weekend, so next week you still can go for the dance performance with him... Oct 8 is your graduation if I not wrong and he will probably be there and your parents to celebrate with you and take graduation photo with you.. This will add to the good that you will remember of him... I can "seen" you are putting in effort to "drift" apart from him. The E63 you holding belong to him right? Why you want to buy a handphone now is because you don't want to hold on to something that belong to him, so next time breakup (if there is), you will not feel you had own him so much...

I don't know how is you and him now.. still contacting or "giving each other a break" period? First, you told me he refused to close shared account and breakup, then later, you told me he accepted breakup when you told him you want to be with me... so I don't know which is which... But I can tell you, the more you 2 are together, the more you can't decide... Is the same as when you want to buy a bag but you told yourself you don't want to buy and every now and then, you still go and look at the bag.... how to decide? I wondering how long you need to make your decision.. maybe my tiredness is unable to wait for your answer... the reason I can think of is, the things happened between you and him is too much and he had treated you really well before my existence, that why you need to consider for so long...

Why I am moody today? First is your last night reply. I guess after you seen my last night blog, you scared I will "forced" or "questioned" you again, that why you choose to sleep and don't want to think too much... I am disappointed but I don't want to force you... This morning, I don't know what to say to you, that why I just stay low.. Then the "client" send an email stating the job scope of each individual for this coming shutdown.. I should be happy that my job scope is one of the least important but I know all the credit will go to his 2 favorite generals as they are holding all the important scopes.. This will also mean all the effort I put in will become theirs... Family problem is always there and often I am been dragged in, so coincidence it happen at the same time.... When I asked you not to come in tomorrow for that minor work and I said you can use your time better and your reply is he is overseas for the weekend, a negative feeling come to me, telling me that if he is around, you will still go out with him despite the breakup you mentioned.. I know I might have think too much but can't help feeling sad.. During late morning, I found out instead of getting me in the loop for tomorrow testing works in the initial stage, he had get his 3 favorite generals to involve and today none of them show up and I had to clear the preparation for them and liaise with landlord when I know nothing at all... I wanted to share these "happenings" with you but I don't want to bother you with my stuff, so I just remain silent... Maybe I had unintentionally said or do something that upset you... I am sorry about that... Hope you don't mind...

End of the day, I am getting tired... Family, work and you, all don't seem to be smooth to me... How I wish you can stay by my side and after work, we can go for dinner and you cheer me up, celebrate my 3rd year stay and let me forget what had happened... My mood will be better as I know no matter what happened, you will be beside me... but this is just my (wishful) thinking only... You don't need to pay much attention to it...

I suggested you no need to come in tomorrow even he is overseas.. You can just spend your time with your parents, be a filial child and help out in the household chores or bring them out for dinner or you can do your ironing... What for you waste your time coming back when I can just covered for you... when I still around...

After the breakup you mentioned on Tuesday night, I got a feeling that there is someone that I need to care for... In order to care for her, I need to take care of myself first... I start to take cough medicine, not to over stress my knee, cut down my drinking, etc... But yesterday, my sixth sense somehow tell me I am deceiving myself again..

Don't you think up to certain extend, you are like 常在心? :)