14th September

1.20am, I still tossing in bed since my last sms to her. Maybe I am not tired today, that why I can't get to sleep. I wonder how she can don't bother anything and just go to sleep. Wouldn't she feel uneasy? Me will be unable to do that. I wanted to sms but don't want to disturb her, so I choose to blog instead. Am I pressuring her too much? I think she will not sms or chat with me unless there is a special reason. Is this her character or just to me only? But I think if it is him that didn't contact her the whole day, her reaction will be different. I think I shouldn't pin too much hope on the coming saturday or should be no hope at all. The one to accompany her will not be me. Hearing "I like you" is happy but I still believe it is not just a simple 3 words, action tells a thousand words.



My own team manager that I had worked under for so long didn't even say the word "trust" to me, yet my site manager this morning tell me over last weekend she didn't bother to come back because she trust me can handle all the works. Will there still any "prospect" working under my own team?

Had lunch with her but somehow I feel there is a "barrier", maybe is due to the unknown decision. I guess even I ask her for decision, she will not answer... Does she know if she don't say, I will take her no reply as a reply and I will just do what I want. By then, she can drag as long as she want, nobody will be "forcing" her for an answer. The more she don't tell me anything, the more I might misunderstood her further...

To me, it seem like I put in lot of effort but I can't get what I want. On the other hand, he don't need to put in much effort but he can be with her for granted. Why can't she just let the guy that treasure her more to be together with her?

My cunning boss "tekan" me again. Last minute come out with changes for shutdown that is never perform before and needed to be ready by tomorrow. Upon receiving this email, another site engineer immediately call me and ask if I need help. But I don't think he can help much also. By chatting with her, my mood is better and nothing seem to be hard, completing on time shouldn't be a problem. I think nothing can beat waiting for her answer in terms of hardness.

The drama I watching seem to "enlighten" me something. When I clench my 2 hands, what I get is only 2 fists. When I release, I might have the world. Why should I be so stubborn and always "digging" the insoluble problem. When picking up something, I must also know how to put down. If insisting something will be unhappy, why should I continue to insist it? Maybe human only learn to treasure after they lost it. Why can't they just treasure it in the first place as not everytime lost things can be recover and no use regretting by then... What I think doesn't mean it is the fact such as he might not be that bad, and I might not be that good, been with him doesn't mean she will not get happiness from him... What doesn't belong to me, maybe I shouldn't force it...