30th September

Helping colleague to buy 大中国 mooncake. How I wish I got a chance to carry it to her house one day. I know it will be awkward if I were to buy mooncake for her family now, so I just buy 2 pieces of the yam mooncake and let her bring home. I hope she will know my intention. This week seem to be slow.. Today is just Wednesday. Maybe it is like this when a person doesn't look forward for anything. Sometime I just feel like asking her what is her thinking.. She seem to be planning something but I don't know if I should ask. Will she tell me if I ask? From the surface, it seem like I am of high chance but I don't dare to pin any high expectation as usually it will become disappointment. Can she please don't disappoint me again? I really like her very much and don't wish to miss her.

She wanted to return me the money for concert tickets, but what I had done is not something that can be determine by money. Do she still need to be so calculative to me? Is the value of what I had done in her heart is only measure by money? Sad to say, maybe... I wanted to tell her today, what is money if I can be together with her? But I think it will affect her mood if I were to say.. Just like the song, "One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love".. I think I will go through everyday just like currently, accompany her, chat with her, surprise her, think for her, help her, care for her, etc. Even if I decided to leave, I will do it silently... And it seem like I can't escape any longer...

After today meeting, 2 person is leaving this site for "better prospect". Her boss told me "我看我们也是时候考虑一下了"... I guess if I were to tender, it will somehow affect her boss decision to tender also..

Mooncake for her

This is from an old brand yam mooncake that I bought yesterday. I guess this is one of her favorite. If she give me a chance, I will buy for her different variety of mooncakes every year and not forgetting 大中国 mooncake for her family no matter how long the queue will be.

29th September

Why this shutdown is so tiring? I feeling more tired than the previous shutdown. Maybe this time is not only physiacal but also mental... I guess no matter how much I do, it will still lose to a verbal "I love you" from him.

I heard the new taking over company practice is they will not offer the same terms as the existing company but lower. If that is really the truth, I guess leaving this site will be less unbearing as someone will be leaving with me. At that time, she no need to be vex over my constant pressure for answer. Me and she will also no need to decide as environment will decide for us to be apart.

Do she want to be like 常在心? She got feeling for 小鲍 but don't want to say. Even when he planned to leave, she still don't ask him to stay or tell him her feeling. And later when he almost got accident, she then show her feeling. Drama is different from real life. In drama, it is preplanned, getting back together is easy. In real life, once it gone, most probably it can't return. If that is what she plan, I also can't say anything but hope she don't regret. Till now, she still didn't tell me anything despite I ask her a few times. In office, she don't want to talk about this. After office hour, she also don't want to say... Since she don't want to face it, I should not forced it. If she want to miss the chance, then let be it... What can I do?

Although I had "announced" my planned leave today, I got a feeling that it will be changed... Maybe I will not wait that long... I will tell her this by then.
最近还好吗 想念的心开不了口
枯想着你有没有好好过 担心着你每天生活
你好吗 最近如何 照顾身体工作加油
我一个人也会勇敢好好过 不让你担心多一秒
想念着 每天每秒我们故事 每天每秒说好的事
两个人一起散步 是最浪漫的事
你是我的天使 给我力量能够坚持
那些关心问候 翅膀一样的双手
是我最幸福的所有
心里面有你建的角落
脆弱时我能够躲一躲
你爱我 像翅膀一样温柔的手
我要抱着你不要再错过
你的爱 是最蓝那片天空

I can feel she is starting to be more "open" towards me. Is she starting to accept me? Or is I thinking too much again? Can she please tell me?

On the way back home, walk past one of the traditional brand mooncake shophouse and saw a long queue. Queued for quite some time just to buy 2 pieces only...

28th September

Even when we haven't together now, I already feeling proud of her. I don't like anyone to "look down" on her. That playboy kid told me how good is all his girlfriends and better than her. I answered him how good is her and his girlfriends all can't match. At least, she is a "good" girl and not those "problematic" type.

My life in office will be quite free after today returning of equipments. Shutdown over, nothing much need to be done beside those daily complaints. What should I do next? I had told her I will not ask her for answer anymore. What is her plan? To remain the same as it is? Should I remain to wait? or just leave as planned? She can't deny the "better" future we will have together, either can she deny that she don't have feeling for me.

Had lunch with my ex-colleague. Even though I can't agree the way he work but it seem like our situation is the same... We can put in 101% to our work but we get only less than 50% recognition.. Why should we work so hard? We both also don't have any "good" team members that can assist us... Why we always need to cover for others? When problem arise, it will be us to solve no matter we can handle a not. During "peace" time, we will be left aside... Our capability is not limited to the current appointment we in. If simple task I also need to do, what for need others? But the difference is he got an "objective" to work for... his wife... I work so hard for what? So capable for what? Help to do so much for what? For nothing...

Is really tiring... Is there really "一个人的精彩"?

I thought she might want to go out for a walk during lunch, so after my lunch, I went back to office to accompany her out. But she told me to packet for her when I already in the lift up to office. Then I U-turn back to 1st floor. Thinking is some time since she haven't eat her favorite tom yum fish noodle, I go and queue 30+mins to get it and also bought a fish soup for her boss. But it seem she prefer thunder rice to what I bought... :(

Why I can't just "ignore" or "angry" with her? When she try to divert the topic and say "don't want to talk about this in office", I was a bit angry and wanted to ignore her. But when she sms me to eat dessert, my "anger" appeased and chat with her again. Then she told me her eyes itchy, my mind immediately told me to get a contact lens solution for her, but in the end, I can only find irritation relief eyedrop. I don't know why I just can't get angry with her. Wanted to ignore her but once she sms me, I will forget what happened. When she tell me she not feeling well or her problem, I will want to help her in whatever ways I can...

Did my action today moved her heart? I think she is old enough to think who is good for her, no point I keep emphasis on who is better.. When she just come to this site, it is Michelle and Shaun wedding... Now is Fann and Chris wedding, will there be any change to my relationship with her?

"一首简单的小情歌"

Her version of "一首简单的小情歌".... :) Don't know why I just like to "suan" her and I guess she know I am joking with her only... I like to see her reaction when been "suan" by me... hehe...



Her favorite singer... and 情歌圣手...:)

27th September

F1 Singapore is over, another year had passed without noticing... Before knowing it, time had already gone... Can she please treasure the time before it gone? I promise it will be better than what she is in now. Took a nap to "recuperate" from my tiredness. But it seem like sleep is never enough... Why she want to come back today? Just for work only? But the work is very minor, don't need her deliberately to come... Anyway, I was quite happy to see her and my tiredness lessen for that few hours.. Shown her the Fann Wong wedding clip that she had missed on TV due to going to concert.. She had asked me why I download the clip.. I wondered she really don't know the reason or just wanted to ask only... Isn't that obvious I download is to let her watch it?

Maybe I too sensitive, I feel she is getting "reserved" in sms-ing.. She will not reply when I ask a bit more over the border.. But when face to face, the feeling she give me is different... Is she considering something? Did something happened between them? Can she please tell me? Seem like is quite some time that I had seen her online in msn.. Is she really that busy or tired or just trying not to "face" me?

I wondered is my expectation high or other people standard is too low.. The engineering team overall standard is getting from bad to worse especially after the start of shift system.. None of them seem to be able to "perform".. even the most "outstanding" one.. Ask them to do something, they can only accomplished with supervision.. Just like today, when I am with them, they will work.. When I go round with her, they will just stopped... I can leave the office when power resume.. as it is their responsbility to resume back everything... In the end, I still had to stay to ensure...

I thought the kid only work wise is "below average" but outside life is also the same... His thinking is just too immature.. He got tons of girlfriends is not surprising... Recently he know of another and start to go after her.. But the girl promise to only meet him on Christmas day and he agreed.. Then he told me he is treating this girl very serious and "discuss" with me how he going to prepare a surprise for her. He say he going to put in a lot of effort and ask me for ideas and accompany him to buy a diary so he can record everyday her sms, his feeling, etc and give her. This happened on the Wednesday that just passed.. Then today, he told me he know another girl and decided to go after her and "forsake" the previous girl.. This happened in just a few days only.... I just can't understand why girls still like this kind of person, playboy I should say.... And he said if he were me, he will not wait for her and just go out know other "better" ones... or he will continue to go after her but at the same time, go after others.... Luckily, I am the "devoted" type and I only want her and no one else.. nothing can change my thinking.. Then this stupid kid always frustrate me... His thinking not only immature and too naive.. Friday "forced" me to go tea break with boss, today again "forced" me to go breakfast with boss but in the end, saw many "high management" people there and he decided not to join... worse, at night, he give my number to a girl which he even don't know but he saw it online that she look quite pretty... and that girl call me cause she is bored... I rejected and blacklisted that girl call... No girl will catch my attention except the she in my heart... I will prove to her I am not those guy that can't resist temptation...

Let "Him" Go

Come across this clip while browsing youtube.. Hope this night will forever be in her memory....

Shutdown over

Time flies. Annual shutdown is just over. Another year has gone. So fast is 130 days since I know her. 2 nights ago, me and her still watching concert, it seem like just happened yesterday. Maybe without her, I will not gain so much. I will not know I can do so much and love a girl so deeply.

Where will she be tonight? Looking at the night scenery outside the office, does she know I am thinking of her? When can we be together?

Repeatedly listening to let me go by Jacky Cheung while waiting for power to the lift to resume back. I think if I never go to the concert, I will never heard of this song. Waiting for some time and I start to consider if I should continue waiting. I don't know how long I still need to wait. Should I just give up and take the stairs? I decided to wait a while more and power resumed back. Will that also happen to me and her? I really hope it will...

Shutdown

Finally the day had come. Even though is a major event, I don't feel much bothered by it. Maybe there another thing in my heart. I had sms her a few times and as usual, her reply is always got "delay". Is it due to she didn't check her handphone or she just don't bother to reply? She had asked me to concentrate on shutdown first. Now shutdown is almost over, what else I need to wait again? I want to ask for her answer but I scare she will give me an answer that I don't want to hear. Aren't we both very happy when together? Doesn't her heart have feeling for me? When I am moody, doesn't she feel affected also? Since we both have feeling for each other and I am so good to her, why doesn't she want to be pamper by me? I will let her be a blissful girl, happier than now. Can she forget about him?

Shutdown to me is nothing but tired. Before I can sleep well, I had to wake up again.. Preparing shutdown is like organising event. You can waste a lot of time and effort in preparation but all will be gone in just a few hours... Leaving after shutdown is one of the plan that I had considered. Not for career advancement, prospect or money, but to run away from this site. Maybe when I decided to do that, I am too tired of waiting... Can this don't happen? Can I just have a happy outcome? I should wait for this shutdown to be over and see if there is any "surprise" or "good news" for me...

She told me she will be coming back tomorrow. But I can't find a reason for her to come back. What need to be done is only minor work. Can she tell me she coming back is for me? Just to lessen my longing for her? But I rather she don't come back as her leg is still in pain and too much walking will worsen it. Some more she had to deliver mooncake to her aunt later tomorrow. No matter how much I miss her, I also don't want her to over tire... I rather I suffer than her...

25th September

Yesterday went to have dim sum during lunch. I seem to know everything but what I want to know is her thinking. I don't believe there is any girl that don't prefer a "better" guy given the same situation. When can I have a heart to heart talk with her?

Not going to be a clown that entertain people again. That kid keep insist I join him for tea break with our boss. Since nothing in hand at that moment, I agree. In the end, it turn out to be an extremely boring session. I just can't join in the topic and I almost fall asleep.. Can't understand why people can "forced" themselves to entertain.. Throughout the whole tea break, my heart seem to drift to elsewhere, pictures and songs of last night start to appear in my mind.

Shutdown preparation went according as planned today except for a few small hiccups. She had said how will the office people see us when we are together. Instead of gossiping, I think they will give us their blessing. I guess some is already used to seeing us together and will asked when they see I am alone. Even though I am running here and there today, I am still quite happy as I manage to chat with her a few times when I went back to my desk. Somehow, I feel the plant has grown a little today... When can the plant bear flowers? Will there be flower bud after shutdown? I think it still need time...

Tomorrow is Saturday again, the day that I don't like. I don't mind she go out with him but can she don't stay over at his place? I am really very very jealous. I never feel like this before. I know the more I jealous, the more important she is in my heart. Can the box of mooncake be a beautiful ending between them?

first concert with her!!

First time going to a concert and also first time going with the girl I liked. After work, we went to buy some drinks and sushi, intending to eat while watching the concert. Along the way, we chat and have fun, just like a couple. But upon reaching, we are been told outside food and drink are not allowed, no choice, we consume what we can and surrender the rest. After walking a distance, we finally get to see the concert. Throughout the concert, we also behave like a couple, standing or sitting so near to each other till we can touch each other. When we are about to leave, her leg old injury suddenly act up again and is pain till she had to hold on to me to walk. I get to "hold" her hand but I think she had no choice. At that moment, I am "evil", wishing her pain will be longer, so she can hold my hands longer. But when her leg slightly better, she quickly let go. After which will be as usual, going back home no matter how I wish the night haven't end...

Even though the concert is not very good, AV technical fault, no direction signage, can't bring own food and drink due to they are selling, etc, I am still very happy and I really don't feel tired despite the walking, standing and fanning for you, maybe the reason is you are with me. Do you feel happy too? If I got the chance, I will want to go with you again. But I think maybe you want to go it with "someone". I actually don't prefer crowds, but I don't mind if you are with me. The crowds is nothing as compare to festive seasons in Chinatown. On the way there, I know you had deliberately position your hand away from mine. I had consider holding it but I had decided not to do it as I guess you are still not ready despite what I had done and the previous few happy lunch hours. And my guessing is correct. I don't blame you, I know some things need time. But I hope you can consider faster and let me hold your hand and walk with you.

There are 2 songs that leave a deep impression. First is the song that I tell you is nice , 永远在身边 by 大嘴巴. This song I say nice because is meaningful. "我要和你手牵手，一步一步一起走，永远永远要记得，我们要一起生活". Second song is Let Me Go by 张学友. Can you let him go? Letting him go might just a release to him. I guess because of you, he had suppressing his interest like clubbing. I believe you are not the only girl in his heart. Since his friends and character is not what you prefer, you think on long term, will there be happiness? You want him to "forgo" his friends forever or put him in a difficult spot between you and them?

Do you feel happy last night? I guess he will not do the same as me... Knowing what you like and give you "surprise", or fanning for you throughout the night. I guess there are girls last night that are envy of you for having a guy to keep fanning for you. I don't know what is still bothering and holding you back. I believe you also feel the same as me, I can give you happiness, take care of you, care and attentive more than him. I guess the plant has grown after these few days, am I right? The kid had told me a girl better than you is not a hard thing to find and I also know that but I told him I just like you and you are different from others to me. I wanted to ask you some questions last night but I afraid it will spoilt our mood, so I just keep quiet. Can we go for a dinner and u tell me the "consideration" you had? Even though you keep telling me don't have but I just don't believe from my understanding of you.

1 more day to shutdown. Today and tomorrow will be the busy day. After that will be quite relax. I hope these 2 days I can don't think of you but I know is impossible to do that. Will you have an answer for me after this weekend? I can promise what I had done so far is not only for the wooing process but a neverending process. I will not break your heart. Can you believe me?

Our first concert tickets!!

Jealous....

I guess they are still the same. Always seen her sms when lunch hour come. After so much happened, didn't it affect them at all? Can they treat it like nothing had happened? I guess they still calling each other at night, sms each other during lunch, going out on sat, staying at his house overnight... Does he know she is going out with me, all the happy moments we had together and she also got feeling for me? Can he really be so "generous" and not bothering by it? Or he just trying to "delay" time? Seriously, if it is me, I can't accept it... I guess she had also bought mooncake for his parents. What does that mean? They still going on fine? Whenever I see mooncake, it will make me think they are still happily together... I am really JEALOUS. I been the "better" choice and treat her better but why I can't be with her? Why??? Feel like asking her if she will be happier if the guy going with her is him. I think I shouldn't let my mood be affected by that now... I should be happy as tonight I am going to the concert with her... Will I got the chance to go with her to next year A Mei concert? Or will I attain an "official status" by then?

24th September

Yeah!! I managed to get the tickets and she agreed to go to the concert with me. Why I want to go to that concert? Firstly is because I had found a girl I liked to go with me. Secondly I also liked the 4 group of singers song. Thirdly, it will be an experience. Fourthly, I want to accompany her no matter where she go.

"When you really love someone, no matter how much you do for her, you will still find not enough. You will want to spend rest of your life caring for her." How true this is... I always find myself not doing enough for her and if I got the chance, I will take care of her for the rest of her life.

Did she watch 溏心风暴? Does she want to be like 常在心, only regret after Alfred died? Can she treasure me before anything happened? No use crying by then as time cannot turn back.

If a few months ago, she can make the decision to break, why she can't do it a few more months later? I don't wish to refresh her sad memories, but how can I change her thinking? Do she dare to admit I am not a better choice? Doesn't she feel happy when we are together? When I am unhappy, it will affect her. When I "ignore" her, I guess she will constantly check my blog and see if there is any update. Do she dare to say she doesn't have feelings for me? Just that for the time being, the feelings for me is less than him, but time can let it develop. Since we both like each other and I am of better choice, why can't she just give me a chance?

If the trust in their relationship is getting lower, why don't just simply let it go and stop wasting time for him and her? If I am that guy, I will be more straightforward, if I still like her, I will treat her better and not always giving disappointing answer. If my feeling for her had decrease "rapidly", I will just break and not wasting time by saying "up to you"... How can a guy be so indecisive? I guess he also can't be as attentive as me, right? Do she have anything to tell me after these few days?

23rd September

Don't feel like waking up today, is not I am tired but just wanted to lie on bed and doing nothing. I know it is impossible for this whole week as weekend will be the shutdown. Wanted to give her a surprise on Thursday but again she not free as she need to collect her gown. This is the third time she not free when I ask her out. Is it so coincidence or we are not fated to go out?

Before she told me she wanted to go for the concert, I already got the intention to give her a surprise and "invite" her to go. But the tickets are "a bit" expensive and I scare she will give me a bigger surprise just like what happened in the past. And that really happened... But luckily, tickets are sold out last week and I don't need to consider... Then yesterday, through somewhere, I saw the tickets going for less than half the price. It will be good if the collection time for her gown can be changed, so we can go together to watch the concert. Even don't go for the concert, accompanying her to collect her gown, I will also be happy but I know she will not let me do that...

In the past, I think going for concert is waste of money and time. But sometime something if I never try, I will never know. Who know hearing live and hearing from CD is 2 different things? It might also be the reason that I haven't found a suitable person to go with me or changing my thinking for her. I hope she will believe the "never try will never know" idea.

I think these few days will be surprise after surprise for her. The tickets are meant to surprise her tomorrow while a song she looking for and I had found it is meant for today. I know she will be happy but why can't she give us a chance to start? What is she waiting for? What is still holding her back? Didn't my action, attentive, caring, concern show my love for her? Is she still in doubt? Sometime I wonder will he do the same to her or he just only do when been asked? Is giving him up so hard for her? Nothing can replaced her feelings for him? including the care, concern, attentive, feelings from me? 排除万难，就会有奇迹, out of difficulties, make miracles. Will that happen to me? I already know how hard and difficult to go after her. I promise I will treasure her very much and will not let her down. Can she believe me and let be together?

Went for lunch with her. I can sensed she is trying not to be too close with me as there is "someone" with us. I can remember her details clearly, drink, she prefer lemon tea; sauce, she prefer chilli to go with fries; noodle, she prefer bee hoon; etc. Is he also as attentive? Her answer would be, "I don't want to compare". Is uncomparable or she afraid to compare as it might reflect more of his "bad"?

She always say I am so "update" in various areas. If we are together, I will "update" and share with her everything, so she will be as "update" as me. We can discuss any topic as we both had the same interests, eg. magic show, lion dance, flowers, entetainment news, job related, etc. Can he also?

Why some girls would prefer fickle guys? They can change girlfriends within weeks and yet still got girls fall for them... I think from the day I go after her till now, the kid had changed 2-3 girlfriends... Since I am so "devoted" and good to her, why can't I be with her? Is it only after I am gone, then she will notice my "good" for her?

From what I "analysis", I guess there is some reason holding her back and she assume that I am unable to accept it. Can she just ask me directly and see if I can accept and don't always assume? Assumption is always misleading... I don't want we can't be together due to misunderstanding...

22nd September

Is it true that if I don't be so 执着, I will be happier? Indeed I am very happy today. Due to a late breakfast, we decided to go for a walk and shop for cosmetics as she needed it for her graduation ceremony. I can see throughout the lunch hour, we are happy.. How I wish we don't need to go back office... Can I be more greedy and want more of these happy moments? Don't she want more of these also? I can confirmed she will not regret of been together with me.. I promise to let her feel happy everyday just like today. Remember she asked me if I were to go if Olivia Ong is to hold a concert. I wanted to say I will go if she is accompanying me.

Even though this week is the final preparation for shutdown and many works need to be done, I don't feel stressed and tired but instead, I feel happy and relaxed. Maybe is because of her... According to this rate, I will complete all the preparation by Thursday. Will I have the chance to have dinner with her on that night as a "pre shutdown celebration"? Will she reject me again?

"Something" set me thinking again... A guy having problems with his family and at work, will he break down? If he don't have support from his team members and upper level keep "pushing" him due to an accidental mistake, can he face everything alone? Is management role really so stress, can I handle if I go to a management role? I believed there are always obstacles and barriers, as long as he got someone beside him, facing with him together, nothing can break him down.. I been through and I know how stress to face it alone, the road seem to be very long and every step I take, it is very heavy... The feeling is like there is mist at the crossroad and you don't know which direction to go... I don't hope to experience that again... I hope she can always be with me and we will support each other along the way..

21st September (Night)

Thinking back, most of the times is my 执着 that make things worse. If I can 看开, things might be better. Everytime we can be happily going out but after that, we usually had an unhappy ending just because I always pressure her for an answer... I should not do that again but sometime is just hard to control as I am getting impatient... Why can't 2 person that like each other be together?

Even though how much I "dislike" my family, I think is still my responsibility to show my concern. Although I don't require much help from them now, but I can't deny that without them, I might not be what I am today. Maybe I had start working since young, I know if I want something, I need to work for it. From my first handphone to my degree, I paid for myself, different from my 2 siblings. But I am also the one that "involve" and help out the family the most. If in terms of own and repay, I repay many times of what I had own.. Maybe I am destined to be a family guy since the day I born. By not letting them know my problem, they think I have no problem and they want me to solve their problem too. A simple thing become complicated... I am really not a superman... I solve their problems but who can solve mine? Don't they know how they treat others, others will repay back? 无私的付出虽然不一定会得到回报，可是不付出又怎么会有回报？

Changing people thinking is very hard. And so unlucky, I need to change 2 person thinking. First is my mum... She is too "traditional", why can't she just keep up with times.. always think with "traditional" thinking... can't she be more flexible? Her traditional thinking always give me problem directly and indirectly.. Second is she.. What should I do so she can leave him? Obviously, I am the better guy that can give her more happiness and she will be happier with me.. We both had feelings for each other... But because of the 2.5 years duration, she can't bear to leave him... haiz....

In the evening, received a call from site manager telling me a glass shattered again.. Too bad, I not within the area and got a family dinner, so I can't rush down.. But immediately after dinner, I go down and site manager also reached just a little earlier than me... as this is not our first time experience this, we just do what is needed but this time, vendor cannot be activated.. So I can said this can also be consider as a new experience. We (me, site manager, her daughter and her husband) knocked down the glass and cleared all the shattered glass pieces away. By the time we finished, it is almost 10pm... Last minute incident, what can I say.. that is our job... I think girl from the same field will understand this and can "tolerate" these last minute stuff if at that time, we are outside together. I guess that girl will not blame me... That also one of the minority reason why I like her because I know she will understand my job.. I thinking of asking her out for dinner tomorrow but I suddenly remember she got training tomorrow, so no choice, I don't want her to miss her training because of me....

21st September

5 more days to shutdown.. These few days I had been thinking. If I withdraw, will she be happy? Can I really give up? Did I really strive for it beside using words? I know the answer is no. I never really show it in action how important she is to me. I only talk without action and keep pressuring for an answer. I didn't even have the courage to ask her out. When I feel like it, I talk to her. When I am moody, I will not talk to her. How will any girl want to be with me when I don't even consider in her place or neglect her feeling? I admit I am jealous when I know she is with him. It may be a good sign, as a person is jealous, this means that girl stand an important place in his heart. But jealous is not a reason for making unreasonable remarks or request to her. I will try to control my jealousy and not let it rule my head again. Time is running out and I will treasure it. All the moments will be happy I promised. I will not let anything at office affect her... Love a person doesn't mean how you want it to be but must let her know how you love her in action.

Tendering or leaving this site is a small issue as we still can be contactable.. But what if something more serious happen, only then she will really regret? Life is fragile, nobody knows what will happen the next moment... Why I didn't meet her 2.5 years ago? Can I turn back time? Is the only way that they will breakup is when he made a mistake again? Then I rather be selfish and pray that he will make mistake soon. Not to say I think negatively, but there is a possibility that if I were him, even I made a mistake again, I might not tell her.. How can she find out if I didn't tell the truth? especially I know that she had another guy in her heart.. I can just say nothing had happened... I don't expect her to think straightaway as the crossing over issue suddenly come in and I know she is quite troubled by it. But don't let the work issue mix up with her personnal as this work issue might last for months..

I think he will not give up anything for her sake, especially his interest. He will just put it off for the moment.. This also mean he will not give up the entire forest for a tree.. But if I meet the tree, I don't mind giving up the forest willingly... It might be a release for him if they were to breakup.. He will be able to go back to his favorite clubbing with his friends without any constraint.. since in his heart, he can't give up... Why she want to "force" him to do something unwillingly? Will there be happiness? How long can she control him? When both together, isn't to "click" with each other is important? If he like clubbing and she don't like, why still have to insist to be together? Is only a 2.5 years relationship.. I can't say it is short but it is not long either... As what the kid had said, if a couple meet everyday for 5 years, then it is long but if they only meet once or twice a week for 5 years, it is less than a couple with 2 years relationship... so I can say his 2.5 years is not exactly very long especially he had half a year overseas, meet once or twice a week.. A good boyfriend doesn't mean a good family man.. Hope she can think base on character and how the guy treat her, where she placed in his heart and not base on feeling that accumulated with time.. Everything will have feeling after a certain time... I served army for 2 years, I also had feelings for it but does that mean I don't want to leave? I would rather leave as fast as I could...

I glad that she realise why people say it is very "sian" when their relationship break and everything have to rebuild again BUT she say that doesn't mean she will not do it.. I will rebuild everything with her... If her current building is 10 storey, I will rebuild a 50 storey with her.. Since she know that I might not accept her again if she breakup with him in future, why can't she just treasure the chance she had now? I can say her trust and confidence in her current relationship is not that high. Why can't she just be hard hearted for once? Can she just think of the happy moments that we will have when we are together? Her family might have good opinion of him because they didn't have a full picture.. How long can she hide from them? Do she want to everytime hide inside the toilet and cry and cannot make any sounds? If her mum is like her boss and also like korean drama, I think she will be very happy that her daughter had know such a "good" guy that appear in korean drama, 细心，体贴，守候，保护，关怀，牺牲, etc..

From tomorrow onwards, it will be the final preparation week for the shutdown. It will be a little busy.. Will she ask me how is my work going on or offer her help? My luck with her seem not that good.. whenever I wanted to ask her out, she is always been "booked". She is really busy.... I want to ask her out for dinner, after that go for a walk and chat.. but the work schedule is quite packed till shutdown.. but that doesn't mean she had leave my mind, even for a second..

6 days...

Now is 17 september, 11.28pm. Just as I started to write my first word after a long consideration, I received her sms. It may seem fake, but I also find it so coincidence. Is this call fate, affinity? When will I upload this post, I also can't confirm.

Since her sms on monday night asking me not to "push" her for an answer before shutdown, I told her I will never ask her for an answer even after shutdown. At that moment, she told me she still can't decide. If that really the reason, up to now, I still believe even after shutdown, she also can't have an answer. How long she need? She had been thinking from end august...

Saw the tv program 芳心有李 earlier on. Who say working in the same place can't be together? Isn't fann and chris getting married? I believe if 2 person truly love each other, nothing is impossible. Isn't 细心, 体贴, 关心, 孝顺 are what a girl usually want from a guy? Doesn't girl want a better and more suitable guy in terms of character, interest, etc. for her? But if I possess all these, why can't I just be together with her when we both had feelings for each other? Just because of the love she had for him despite of his disappointing reaction and character. Is love really that great? Can people survive on love only without food?

From tuesday till now, I had not switch on my laptop, no msn and even off the office bchat. Maybe I really want to stop all communication with her, even talking also to minimum. Can this period of time make us really realise where does we stand in each other heart? Or I had think too much again? These few days to her are just like normal days? No matter how 难受 and舍不得, I decided to keep it inside my heart. I can feel stress is piling up but I not going to tell her. Shutdown preparation has a number of hiccups along the way but manage to solve it so far. Maybe this is the last time I doing or because of her, I wanted this shutdown report to be one of the best in the asia pacific sites. Why I say because of her? Cause I want her to feel proud of me and acknowledge my achievement. But will there be a chance of that? Can she always stay by side and share all my happiness and achievement one after another? My vendor had been saying how capable I am, but how capable can I be when I am just a lonely person that fail to win her heart.

I had been asking myself what should I do these few days. In the end, I still don't know what to do. I know I miss her very much. But what can I do? I also unbear to leave this site. The happy ending I hope for will be we can be together and continue to work in this site at least till end of this year. This might seem sad for her as it will mean breakup with him. But she will have a "better" guy with her. Even if I don't exist, will their relationship meant to last? Am I spoiling a relationship by been a third party or am I just bringing forward an incident that will happen in the future?

I start to feel I am walking the same path as my site manager. Our way of working and career "attitude" seem to be the same. And I can seen our interaction had a sudden improvement since she arrived these few months. Our topic seem to be getting wider. That should be a good sign but it also mean there is another consideration when leaving the site.


18 September
A bad day but not for me. What me and my site manager discussed earlier on become a fact today. A secret between us become an open secret. She had asked if I am interested to cross over and can helped me talked to her boss. I told her if I cross over, I will follow her only and not other managers. The other she told me she will most probably not going back to her previous company. This taking over will most probably be effective from next January. Maybe this will be an ending for us and our "relationship" will drift apart. Isn't that a good sign? No need to bother about decision anymore.

Had lunch with her today. Somehow I can feel we are quite happy during that time, chatting, eating, walking. We also seem to walk quite close together. We can be like this everyday but is up to her to decide. Does she also feel so happy when with him? Does he also have so much same interest as her? I guess that this time round, time is getting shorter, either I tender or they crossing over come first. Will she treasure the time and quickly decide? I really don't wish to lose her but I know I can't be so 执着. I need to learn how to 拿得起, 放得下. When is not meant for me, no point forcing. There will be no happiness and only result in more misery. The reason why I don't want to update my blog is I still can't accept that till date, she still can't decide. I know the moment I see her, no matter how hard hearted I am, my heart will melt.

I notice what her mum likes through her. If we are together, I not only be attentive to her but also to her parents. But things just like to happen different from what I think. I think is time to slowly give up. I don't want to sink any deeper. Lesser interaction with her might help in giving up.


19 September
1 week to shutdown. It may seem long but I know it will come soon. I don't think after shutdown she will got answer and I don't bother to ask also. Somehow I feel her can't decide answer is just an "excuse" to cover her answer. Now she is happily with him and I am alone. Doesn't that tell her answer? Whole day today, I try very hard not to talk to her and somehow I succeed. I think she can also sensed I am ignoring her. Why bother to sms me and say "I am sorry I am unable to watch the dance performance with you" when both of us already knew it. Trying to sprinkle salt on my wound? Or telling me he is the guy she prefer? Always telling me how good I treat and care for her, even better from him, and yet in the end, because she like him more, she had stay with him. Since she want to choose the guy that his character she don't like, his clubbing interest she don't like, his disappointed answer and reaction she don't like, hurt her before, what else can I say? I already say if she can't leave him because of love now, no matter how many mistakes he made in future, she will also can't leave him, even how determine and confirm she can say now. I am very sad that we can't be together but life still had to go on...

Time is running out since the team taking over news is released. I not trying to pressure her but it might be too late before she finally realise. If she really had feelings for me, can she just forsake him and I will slowly filled her heart with feelings for me. Can we just let the plant grow before the time run out? Things are not going as what they seem to be. There are too many hidden "secrets" which I can't reveal. I wonder what make her so hard to decide? Just because of feelings only? Now she say is hard to explain to her parents if breakup. When this drag on and she bring him to meet her relatives, she will tell me is hard to explain to so many people... Same like the 2.5 years relationship. When time goes by, will the 2.5 become back to 2 or 1?

I guess she will feel sad and missed him for a while only if she breakup with him. But she definitely will not regret. What does this tell? A human is made of feelings, whether is there love involved is not important. When something been together for years, suddenly gone apart, there is always sadness. Why no regret? Because in one heart, she already know there is a better future waiting for her. Just like going to school and graduate. Will one regret after graduate? No... just sad that it had finished.

But as usual, she will still have her own "reasons" which seem unacceptable to me. I really can't understand her. I thought tonight I can talk with her online after a week of less interaction. But same, she still want to stay at his house. I don't understand why. Her bed every Saturday can't be slept? If my girlfriend tell me she got intention to break and there is another guy that seem to be better than me and she also got feeling for him, my relationship with her somehow will be affected and less contact with her and not to mention every Saturday let her stay at my house. So what is his intention? Already know his girlfriend had feeling for another guy and yet still can go on with her like normal... I really can't find a reason beside buying time for a better one to come. She think she really can make him tell the truth, she had over estimate herself or under estimate a guy lying power. The world is not as simple as what she think, especially for those that frequent clubbing, pubbing. Anyway it none of my concern.. She choose the path she want to walk. I also had decide what to do even though is unbearing...


20 September
This whole week I been "forcing" myself to sleep to escape. Don't want to face anything especially my laptop. Work and sleep my daily cycle. I feel like withdrawing. Can I don't suppress anything? If anyone not happy with her on work matters, can I not do anything as that doesn't concern me, unless it is the site manager that ask me to do. Without any special reasons, can I don't lunch with her? Will there still be happy lunch with her?

I thought she will reply to my blog or write an email to tell me something in this 1 week but in the end, nothing. She can still happily go past everyday, maybe he is back. Up till now, she can tell me how better and good I am from him, and she will like me more than him if we are together. Doesn't that seem easy to decide? But no, almost 1 month and still can't decide. What is the reason then? I think without a face to face talk, nothing can be solved. But I also scare. She can sound she is ready to break at that moment and the next day, she can take it as nothing happen and continue with him.

She had not told her mum anything as I had expected even though that Friday she can sound till so determine. I believe she is mature enough to think for her own future, who the best guy for her, not only for the time being but down the road and not just base on current feeling only. Just like switching job, it will be unbearing to leave the current job and switch to a new job. Everything had to restart again, adapt to the new environment and know new colleagues. And worst, that person have to face everything alone. The situation now is the same. If she break, she have to restart everything. But the difference is I will accompany and face everything with her. I will let her know my everything, from my family to my friends. The most important is we will be happy together.

I hate weekends and holidays. Staying inside the house with the quarrels made me stress. The only way to vent it out I think is through blogging. Why my family is so "special"? My own problem already stress and instead of providing advice to me, they keep adding more stress to me. How good if we are together. I will ask her out or go to her house and help her to do household chores or watch drama. Then I no need to face the quarrel. Should I accept my friend invitation to go drinking tonight? At least I can stop thinking for that duration.

I curious when she with him, does they have so much common topic or interest to talk? Does he also watch drama? Like what she like to do or just "forcing" himself to do? Understand what she wants? Attentive to her preference? Is she happier with him than with me?

祸不单行, not only mood not good, but also down with cold. If when one sneeze, that mean got someone thinking of him, that will be good, as whole evening I been sneezing. Is she thinking of me? I think 接二连三 is more suitable. Knee suddenly ache again... Maybe I had walked too much today.

Sometime I don't mean for what I said. No matter how I say I want to withdraw, the next moment I know is hard to do that and give up the idea. Can she just listen to his suggestion and be together with me and let the feelings develop? If I can be with her, I will not leave her or do anything that break her heart but I afraid is the other way round, she will leave me which I will try my best not to let that happen... I like her is for what she is and not her appearance, no matter what her previous relationship can't accept, seriously I will not mind as I am not that superficial. She will always have the priority in my heart.

If he truly love her, I don't mind giving up and can he stop giving her disappointment. If he doesn't, can he just tell her truthfully and breakup with her. Don't keep this dragging on...

有时牺牲了一切，到头来还是一无所有，回想起来真笨，不知道为了什么

Quarrel again... What shall I do? 6 days never upload anything. Did she check my blog daily? Did she got a bit of something amiss feeling? Did she miss me? I don't know what I did for the past 1 week is right or wrong. I only know 我很想她，很舍不得她. If I don't upload this, I will regret if she misunderstood anything. Can she tell me what I had misunderstood about her?

14th September

1.20am, I still tossing in bed since my last sms to her. Maybe I am not tired today, that why I can't get to sleep. I wonder how she can don't bother anything and just go to sleep. Wouldn't she feel uneasy? Me will be unable to do that. I wanted to sms but don't want to disturb her, so I choose to blog instead. Am I pressuring her too much? I think she will not sms or chat with me unless there is a special reason. Is this her character or just to me only? But I think if it is him that didn't contact her the whole day, her reaction will be different. I think I shouldn't pin too much hope on the coming saturday or should be no hope at all. The one to accompany her will not be me. Hearing "I like you" is happy but I still believe it is not just a simple 3 words, action tells a thousand words.



My own team manager that I had worked under for so long didn't even say the word "trust" to me, yet my site manager this morning tell me over last weekend she didn't bother to come back because she trust me can handle all the works. Will there still any "prospect" working under my own team?

Had lunch with her but somehow I feel there is a "barrier", maybe is due to the unknown decision. I guess even I ask her for decision, she will not answer... Does she know if she don't say, I will take her no reply as a reply and I will just do what I want. By then, she can drag as long as she want, nobody will be "forcing" her for an answer. The more she don't tell me anything, the more I might misunderstood her further...

To me, it seem like I put in lot of effort but I can't get what I want. On the other hand, he don't need to put in much effort but he can be with her for granted. Why can't she just let the guy that treasure her more to be together with her?

My cunning boss "tekan" me again. Last minute come out with changes for shutdown that is never perform before and needed to be ready by tomorrow. Upon receiving this email, another site engineer immediately call me and ask if I need help. But I don't think he can help much also. By chatting with her, my mood is better and nothing seem to be hard, completing on time shouldn't be a problem. I think nothing can beat waiting for her answer in terms of hardness.

The drama I watching seem to "enlighten" me something. When I clench my 2 hands, what I get is only 2 fists. When I release, I might have the world. Why should I be so stubborn and always "digging" the insoluble problem. When picking up something, I must also know how to put down. If insisting something will be unhappy, why should I continue to insist it? Maybe human only learn to treasure after they lost it. Why can't they just treasure it in the first place as not everytime lost things can be recover and no use regretting by then... What I think doesn't mean it is the fact such as he might not be that bad, and I might not be that good, been with him doesn't mean she will not get happiness from him... What doesn't belong to me, maybe I shouldn't force it...

13th September

I think the best time to think is during the morning when just wake up, the mind is clear, surrounding is quiet and not in a hurry to do anything, just like this morning, a Sunday morning. I was lazing around in bed since there are no plans for later on... Yesterday never heard anything from her for the whole day, start to feel worry for her. Luckily, she sms me that she got a very bad cramp only and I feel relieved as I know nothing serious happened to her.. I wonder had she told everything to her mum yet? She said it can't be compared for a 2.5 years relationship and I think is right. But after thinking, I am confident to say my feelings for her will be more than what he have for her even though me with her is only a few months. At least, I will not hurt her as much as he do.. Does he understand her as much as I do? I guess she stand a more important place in my heart than what I had thought.. without seeing her since end of Friday, I begin to miss her, always thinking what she is doing...

Decided to find something to do later on and that is making pudding.. If got chance, I will make for her to try... don't know if she will like it....

Yesterday, I let my shift engineer know the client arrangement for this coming shutdown. He also ask why the client had this kind of arrangement and think it is totally unfair to me... If an "outsider" also say this, I think the arrangement is obviously unreasonable...

If I like something, I will not give up easily. But sometime, I still need to face reality.. It seem to tell me no matter how disappointing his reaction to her are, she will only dishearten a bit but after that, she will be back to normal, able to accept the disappointment and not decreasing her like for him.. Should I don't bother too much and start my countdown timer?

12th September

You had brighten up my mood last night. But too bad, you still don't have any decision.. A good boyfriend doesn't mean a good husband. Is his character that you want? He might say things in a reverse way but how you know that not what he want? You may have like him a lot but can that let you accept all his disappointment, clubbing and his "playful" character? Guys that care a lot about face sometime will not initiate breakup even when he wants to.. When the girl initiate, he will accept, so this will be seem like the girl is the "bad" person while the guy is "innocent". Hope he don't belong to this cateory...

Is true that a 2.5 years relationship can't be compared. But do you know if this drag on, you will told me 2.6, 2.7 or even 3 years relationship. Maybe if we don't be together, the feelings for him in your heart will never be replaced. With every more "incidents" you both went through together, it will increase the feeling you had for him. How will I be able to overtake him in your heart then? What he say is true, feelings can be develop as time goes by. I think feeling is hard to go off by itself unless been replaced, don't you agree? If he commit wrong again, you say you definitely will leave him but the love for him can also gone overnight? It can't be... If you really can leave him if that happen, why can't you do it now? Isn't that contradicting? Why you want to let yourself hurt again before deciding?

You say you will tell your mum everything including the wrong he made. I agreed you should do that but I think your mom answer will most probably same as what I guess. The choice is up to you. She can only advise but can't decide. Even if you ask thousands of people, the final decision is still with you and you will be more confused as there will be different advices.

Everything I went through with you will be in my memory. I remember 13th june is our first "outing". We went to IT show but in the end, we had a chat at Marina Square Macdonald. 19th june is the most memorable. We had steamboat, walk around Bugis and end up at Singapore River. I noticed you seem troubled but I don't think is convenient for me to ask why at that moment, so I just accompany you silently till you decided to go home. Later I then realised is because of him. That night I am quite happy, maybe is because I already start to have feeling for you. You don't remember the date, I will not blame you as I know you are "absent minded". :) I will stay by your side and constantly remind you of any reminder if we are together...

A sentence "I like you" from you make me feel energised. No matter how busy I am today, I still think is ok. I can't imagine if you told me directly, I think I will be over the moon. Will I be able to hear it?

You had ask me if I am enduring my work. I can't say is enduring as I don't mind doing anything, even saturday work till late. I just hope once in a while, you can drop me a message, accompany me at the end of the day. This will already make me happy. I want you to feel proud of my career, ability one day and introduce me to your parents or relatives. Again, this is my thinking only...

No matter how long I want to wait, my tiredness seem to have taken over my patience...You already know how important you are to me, how will I treat you, how much I treasure you, how much my attention to you and last but not least, my care and concern for you. You will always be my priority if I am to choose between you and my friends. I believe you also think that if we were together, your feeling for me will be more than what you have for him now. I really hope you can tell me what I want to hear soon before I proceed with my "plan".

11th September

Today is the 3rd year of my stay in this job but I don't feel the least happy... The down feeling just find it way to me. I don't feel like blogging tonight but you want me to share with you why I am moody and what had happened. In the end, I can't resist your "request" and write a long blog... Your concern to me today is more than just friends, I don't know if you feel the same? When I am unhappy, you will be unhappy also and vice versa, I will not be happy when you are not.

You give me a feeling that you are escaping rather than thinking. If I bring up the "decision" topic, you will choose not to answer and escape... If I don't bring up, we can talk freely and happily, but I will feel it is unfair to me, as end of the day, he is still the one that got the status recognition. You told me I can ask you if I have doubt but I afraid it will become like "forcing" you and end up in you making a hasty decision.

Why I say decision doesn't lie with you? You told me you want to breakup with him and bring him to the bank to close your shared account but when he refused, you will accept his refusal... No matter how determine you are, when he say he don't want to break, you will not break... even he still give you disappointment... This weekend he will be overseas and I guess you will not have any decision.. If he go for half a year, sad to say during this period, you also can't have any decision.. the reason is he didn't state he want to break a not... To wait for your decision, I would rather say is waiting for his decision... Please tell me what I assume is wrong...

My guess: Luckily he is overseas for this weekend, so next week you still can go for the dance performance with him... Oct 8 is your graduation if I not wrong and he will probably be there and your parents to celebrate with you and take graduation photo with you.. This will add to the good that you will remember of him... I can "seen" you are putting in effort to "drift" apart from him. The E63 you holding belong to him right? Why you want to buy a handphone now is because you don't want to hold on to something that belong to him, so next time breakup (if there is), you will not feel you had own him so much...

I don't know how is you and him now.. still contacting or "giving each other a break" period? First, you told me he refused to close shared account and breakup, then later, you told me he accepted breakup when you told him you want to be with me... so I don't know which is which... But I can tell you, the more you 2 are together, the more you can't decide... Is the same as when you want to buy a bag but you told yourself you don't want to buy and every now and then, you still go and look at the bag.... how to decide? I wondering how long you need to make your decision.. maybe my tiredness is unable to wait for your answer... the reason I can think of is, the things happened between you and him is too much and he had treated you really well before my existence, that why you need to consider for so long...

Why I am moody today? First is your last night reply. I guess after you seen my last night blog, you scared I will "forced" or "questioned" you again, that why you choose to sleep and don't want to think too much... I am disappointed but I don't want to force you... This morning, I don't know what to say to you, that why I just stay low.. Then the "client" send an email stating the job scope of each individual for this coming shutdown.. I should be happy that my job scope is one of the least important but I know all the credit will go to his 2 favorite generals as they are holding all the important scopes.. This will also mean all the effort I put in will become theirs... Family problem is always there and often I am been dragged in, so coincidence it happen at the same time.... When I asked you not to come in tomorrow for that minor work and I said you can use your time better and your reply is he is overseas for the weekend, a negative feeling come to me, telling me that if he is around, you will still go out with him despite the breakup you mentioned.. I know I might have think too much but can't help feeling sad.. During late morning, I found out instead of getting me in the loop for tomorrow testing works in the initial stage, he had get his 3 favorite generals to involve and today none of them show up and I had to clear the preparation for them and liaise with landlord when I know nothing at all... I wanted to share these "happenings" with you but I don't want to bother you with my stuff, so I just remain silent... Maybe I had unintentionally said or do something that upset you... I am sorry about that... Hope you don't mind...

End of the day, I am getting tired... Family, work and you, all don't seem to be smooth to me... How I wish you can stay by my side and after work, we can go for dinner and you cheer me up, celebrate my 3rd year stay and let me forget what had happened... My mood will be better as I know no matter what happened, you will be beside me... but this is just my (wishful) thinking only... You don't need to pay much attention to it...

I suggested you no need to come in tomorrow even he is overseas.. You can just spend your time with your parents, be a filial child and help out in the household chores or bring them out for dinner or you can do your ironing... What for you waste your time coming back when I can just covered for you... when I still around...

After the breakup you mentioned on Tuesday night, I got a feeling that there is someone that I need to care for... In order to care for her, I need to take care of myself first... I start to take cough medicine, not to over stress my knee, cut down my drinking, etc... But yesterday, my sixth sense somehow tell me I am deceiving myself again..

Don't you think up to certain extend, you are like 常在心? :)

10th September

I am not sure if you still feeling tired. I don't dare to sms you these few days as I afraid it will pressurise you further and making you more tired. Even a good morning or good night sms to you I also need to think for some time. Don't misunderstood that recently, I didn't sms you is I am tired of you. My feelings for you is still the same but I just afraid I might over water the plant again...

When you msn me that night that you initiated a breakup with him and told him the reason is you want to be with me, I was very happy but at the same time, I was surprise. I don't know I have reach so far in your heart. I feel so bad for misunderstood you in the past, sometime even doubting what you said. I am sorry. :(

Restarting and adapting is part of life. When you move house, switch job, parting and knowing new people, etc, all these are restarting. You need to learn to adapt to the new environment. Maybe your previous experience make you don't dare to try again but can't just because of a fall, you don't dare to stand up again or just choose to stay put.

I guess in your heart, you already choose to "restart" but you feeling "pity" because you had put in so much effort in the relationship and you don't bear to see it gone down the drain despite the numerous disappointment he given you. That why you are confused whether to give up and deceive yourself to remember the good of him and not the bad. When it is meant to end, no point holding on...

Don't feel sad because it ended but happy because a new beginning has began. I know no matter what I say now is nothing but empty promise and you still have doubt and afraid we might not turn out well. I don't know what I need to do in order to gain your trust. All I can hope is you can believe me, close your eyes, give me your hand, I will face everything with you. I will definitely treat you better than him. I will try my best not to let you experience sadness or disappointment... at least not from me. :) By now, you should know how I am to you and I don't think I want to repeat saying it anymore. I will be waiting for your answer and I got a feeling it will be coming soon...

I don't know if you feel the same as me... I feel today lunch you are happier than the previous few days.. I saw your laughter and this make me happy also. I wish we can be like this forever.. I thought when I occupied myself with work, I will not think of other things. I realised I am wrong, even when I am busy with the shutdown preparation, I will still think of you, occasionally still turn back to look at you. I think you had occupied an important place in my heart and I really don't wish to lose you, but I know this can't be forced.. I just want to let you know no matter how busy I am, I will not neglect you. I know you are shopping for handphone, I wonder if I have the honor to shop it with you?

9th September

I don't know when you will see this post... At first, when you start msn me, I feel very sad as you seem determine to reject me and choose him. But when we continue msn, I realise we both actually had feelings for each other but you refuse to admit it. Your trust and feelings had been decreasing for your current relationship but you also refuse to admit it. That why you choose to remember his good and forget his bad. You say you will still think of him when we are together but you forget time will fade his memories away. You are scare that our relationship might not work well, but you never try you never know.. Just like if you don't buy lottery, how can you expect you will get the prize? You are deceiving yourself, as in your heart you know I will be a better boyfriend or even husband as compare to him. You scare people will tease you, but we all are mature working adults, how much can they tease or gossip you? I think you had misunderstood me, I don't mind you keep it a secret of we are together to anyone even when they ask, you can deny also... If you told me not to spread a word out, my mouth will be tight.. We are together is only the 2 of us "business", why should you worry about others?

You always think how bad we will be together, but you don't want to think how good we will be together.. sharing the same interest, chatting the same topic, gossiping entertainment news, watching sports competition, eating all the nice food, exploring all the new places and shopping centres, going for flowers exhibition, catching magic shows, enjoying fireworks, covering for each other work, assisting each other in climbing up the career ladder, etc... You don't like his character but you still want to "force" yourself to accept and thinking there will be miracles that he will change.. If you don't dare to take a step out now, you can stop considering you will dare to take a step out in the future as you sunk deeper when the times goes....

Whether I can really be a good boyfriend or husband, you should already know based on the past 2 months you know me but if you want to confirm, you can asked around such as your boss.. If you want to know will I be affected by temptation and change of heart, you also can ask the guys how devoted I can be... If you want to know how filial I am, I think no one can answer you except my mother... haha... If we were together, I will discuss with you everything and ask for your opinion.. If it is really no good, I will listen to you... I seem to have understand you but I will not take this for granted, I will continue to pay attention to you, shower you with care, listening to your sorrows, needs and worries. Maybe what I listed seem that I am a "perfect" guy but I also got my bad points which I don't want to list out here. Maybe I will change if you ask me to.. I can promise you that what I had done is not because I want to go after you only, even when we are together, it will be the same or even better... All I want to say, done, promise I already did... Now is up to you if you are willing to take a step out.. Starting over again seem to be hard in the initial stage but you can take it as a learning process and experience. Don't worry, I had said I will be with you and faced everything with you, you will not be alone... I will hold your hands and give you confidence to tide over the "uncomfortable" period.. I had to say if we were together, you might shed your tears more times than with him, not because I will hurt you more but I will touched your heart more. :) If you think what I had said or written in this blog is nothing but just words or sweet talk to you, I don't know what I should do to make you believe. If you still have doubt with me or still insist on your current relationship, I will just give you my blessing...

Today is 9 September 2009, if we can be together, I promise my love for you and our relationship will last like the date triple 9 "久久久" (长长久久). (Even though this is sweet talk, but I will make it last as long as possible). I also choose to upload this blog at 1:28 am which is your birthday 28 Jan. I hope I got the honor to spend all your future birthday with you till you decided to leave me. :)

8th September

It has been some time that I am away from my desk for such a long time. Some people might not be used to it but I think somehow they will have to get used to it as I have decided even though I don't bear to... I glad that she had finally let others know the existence of him. Maybe because I had accidentally heard that, it help me to come to a decision.

I did a foolish thing again, maybe there are not many chances left.. I went to tiong bahru just to buy some snacks back that I saw on the net and came back, I still had to lie that I going there for lunch. Luckily, she say is nice and I know my effort is worth it. Because of her, the whole team get to taste all the nice snacks around this area. I think no one will ever deliberately go and buy the nice snacks in future, not to mention the queueing part. But too bad, good times don't last even though how I wish to... I had decided to bring forward my plan... no point dragging and causing misery.... too tired to wait for an unknown duration...

Tired...

Today I had completed the master copy of the shutdown script. Base on this, anyone should have no problem taking over... I had do my part for the company already, does that mean I can leave "peacefully"? I was surprise that I had completed much earlier than expected.. No mood for lunch today and she had packet a few sushi for me. I am grateful but also wonder what is the "intention" she coming from when she buying the sushi? Care and concern? For who? Colleague or ??? Because of me, I know her mood is also affected...

Feeling very tiring since morning even though I had sleep quite "early" last night. Maybe all those work and personnal happening had really tire me out. Anyway I had planned my leave... Will be able to relax after this... Will try to let go everything...

I know one shouldn't leave a relationship just because she met a better person. But why should you confine to him only, shouldn't you give others a chance also especially you also had feelings for that person? Unless you tell me you already confirm he will be the ideal guy that you want to marry.

I believe there are other considerations that you didn't tell me. If just because of troublesome to answer questions from your family on why you break, then you rather be with him, it may seem a bit ridiculous. It is also common to break in this "era", you don't need to stay with him throughout just because of others...

The guys had told me to continue ask you out. But you know what I told them? I tell them you are considering now and I don't want to affect your thinking. I know it will somehow affect your decision if I continue to ask you out or told you what I have done again. I guess the more I spend more time with you, you would be more touched. I want you to consider fairly, so I don't want to do anything more for last week. But I never know your way of fair thinking is different from me.

I don't know how much trust you still had in the relationship. But the most important factor that for both together is trust. If you feel disappointed with his character, how long can you "force" yourself to continue accept? If you told me you got no other choices or got choices but you didn't have feeling for them, that why you continue to be with him, then is ok. But now is a different story, you got choice and he had done a lot and you are touched and also had feelings for him, but why you just don't want to consider?

The time when you told him my existence, instead of trying to persuade you "stay", he just say up to you. You sure this is the answer you want to hear? If I were him, I would do what I can to persuade you to "stay" and let you have faith in this relationship but at the end, I will still leave the choice to you... as I know I had do what I can, eventually it is you that have the final say...

Knowing you had made me become foolish.. Have you wonder why lately I buy so many different kind of snacks? Actually I also don't know around this area got so many snacks that I never try or heard before.. I just search on the net for any recommendation and end up finding all those. I just want you to try all the nice food.. Seeing you saying is nice and eating happily, I will be happy... I am very foolish hor? When you told me which drama that you wanted to watch, I will find for you and convert the format, so you can watch it in your handphone on the move. When you told me you can't watch it, I will reconvert the drama again, so you can watch.. Even though it is time consuming, I don't mind doing it for you.. Again, am I very silly? What you told me, I always remember it in my heart. You say you don't like me to drink, I will give up for you.. No matter what I am doing, when I saw you are not "participating", I will stop what I doing and accompany you. Remember last saturday, I was still busy with the smart arms, but you told me you were leaving at 530pm, so I just stop what I am doing at 520pm and quickly transfer the files for you before I go down to continue the work again. Again, I am very foolish hor? I don't know if I still got the chance to be the foolish guy that always stand by you. If I am not the lucky guy, I hope he will be the lucky one...

11.05pm
Somehow I got a feeling she is not at home at this hour now... But I don't want to ask her anything... Whether she want to tell me, I leave it to her. Too tired to keep chasing for an answer....

Finale....

Let me guess what happened. Yesterday night, you stay over at his house. I try to deceive myself that after your bbq, his place is nearer but my memory told me, he live in north, you in west and your bbq is at west also. I can't find another lie to cover this lie, sorry. When you told me you want to think over the weekend, for once, I really believed that. But when all those "signs" show you are at his house, I know I am been a fool again. I feel disappointed but never mind, as this is not the first time. Maybe the way you think is different, you need to be with someone to think better... I wonder what is the purpose of sms me last night. To find out why I replied in such a way to your earlier sms? Or just for the sake of asking?

I hope you can tell me what I guess is wrong. I try very hard to deceive myself for the night but I just can't help feeling this way. I don't know how is you and him recently, but I guess still going on fine. Have you really been fair? You keep saying considering or thinking but you didn't give him and you a break period, so you can make a better decision. Instead, every now and then, you and him still the same, sms, phone, go out and stay over at his house while I just can silently doing things behind you. So you telling me this is fair?

You told me your mum and aunt had good impression of him. No doubt it will be good but why don't you tell them the "mistake" he commit, what he like to do and his character? I wonder will their impression change after you tell them... This is just like a sales talk, only promote the good and don't say the bad. Maybe again, this is your way of doing...

I really wonder the reason of you want me to stay. Happy working with me? Constant lunchmate? Or is it someone will at least be there to cover? I know you will be dishearten to hear this and I also feel very hurt to tell you this. But I not like you, that always keep things in suspense. Maybe I shall tell you, if I am not around and you still in this site, you can forget going for your saturday training. Almost every sat, you will need to come back. This site is not like your previous site, we don't practise work finish then come and see. You will be more tiring than now. I not sure if you know me and your site manager had lightened your workload. I can simply don't bother about smart arms, cleaning, miscellaneous stuff and A&A works. In the end, you think who will the site manager assign to? I think somehow working in this site will affect your relationship with him, but I just don't want to see that. Just think since your stay here, how many times you go back earlier than us? Not to mention on sat that you come later than us...

I had written this at 2.46 am with my handphone. It may sound disheartening, hurt to you but sorry, that is how moody I am feeling now. Partly, I also very jealous you and him still going on so well. So again, my guessing is wrong again? Anyway, you don't need to be sway by my tender, I will not let you know when will that happen and I sure site manager will help me to keep it a secret if I request to. You can tell me your thinking, consideration, explanation, planning, feeling, answer, etc, (which I don't think you will) but I can't promise you that my tender will be sway by your action. Maybe this time I feel totally disappointed after so many times.

I just want to tell you I had never doubt your care and concern towards me and I really appreciate that. You told me you had feelings for me and I also believe. But the longer you drag, the lesser confidence I had, because I know I am on the losing end as you still had him. I wanted to ask you out a few times but I think the topic will somehow go back to your decision and it might up end up like 8 aug night. That why I don't want to force you anymore but that doesn't mean I am not eager to know. I hope you will understand that I not trying to "blame", "threaten", "scold" you but maybe is due to tired, stress, insecure recently.

7.24am
Somehow you seem to had taken me for granted, always be there for you. I think is time you need to stand up on your own. I can't always be around. There had been times that I am "rectifying" your unintentional "mistakes" behind you, just that you don't know. To you, maybe you didn't notice and thought everything went smooth. I don't think you know that there are a few sunday that I am not feeling well or is raining, I still make my way back to office, as I had told you I will cover on your behalf.. I always told you sat I can handle, because I don't want you to feel bad, but do you know how exactly busy I am? Running up and down. By the time, you and your manager reach, I had either clear the work or everything is in progress and to you, it may seem I had a relax morning. I think you don't know, your manager had came earlier a few times just to help me out as she had told me personally. She also asked me why you are not around and why I always cover for you, I just told her that is ok, not that hard and I can handle it myself and you also got cover for me... I know you like your training very much, that why I always suggest you go training while I cover your work. Maybe I too sensitive, I realise whenever the sat I not around, your manager will arrange fewer jobs for that day. I think is time you had to pick up what belong to you, I believe the next engineer will not do so much.

All those stuffs that I had given you, you can just throw away like the flowers. Don't let them affect your relationship with him. Don't worry, I will still help in whatever I can while still around but I guess I will not be around to join in this year ORQ CRES christmas celebration. I had thought me and you as a "we" can celebrate christmas with rest of the team but I think the wish can't be fulfill...

10.15pm
This post I don't intend to upload... Maybe I just don't bear to do so after your request and end up considering... I watched 老婆大人 drama.. I dare to say I will try to be the husband as what shown in the drama, caring and loving you, always stand by you and ready to lend you my shoulder. The drama had also touched me for a certain degree, so I decided to give myself a final last chance, will you be fair and give me a chance to go after you? I can forget what had happened, accept your personnal problems, share your sorrows and problems. I will not because you accepted my request and take you for granted. I will treasure you, continue to do what I had done and will fulfill all those that I had written inside this blog and the letter. I will cheer you up, make you happy and not let you feel sad as much as I can. Should we got a chance to go into relationship, I not only will be good to you but also your family. I will never let you and them regret for me been with you. If your decision is not to give me a chance, I will respect your decision, hope you will find your happiness and don't regret your decision. I will not disturb you again, neither will I share my problems or tell you what and when I am going to do... I will sincerely wish you and him have a happy future. Hope he can continue to keep you happy and do whatever I had done for you.

5th September

I had reminded myself not to tell her anything but in the end I still reveal everything to her. I thought I can wait patiently and leave silently when the time comes... Now one person problem become two persons... Why can't I just endure a little bit more...

Song that can describe my feelings now will be:

If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go

Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too

Even when I leave, my love for her will never change... But is hard for her to believe I think....

I wish I can forever by her side and be her "guardian angel", reminding her all the stuff that she would forget, sheltering and helping her... but I think the chance and time left is not much....

Today is the second time I use the typewriter. Wasted a number of envelopes just to get the alignment right... But I think not many people would want to use the typewriter for this purpose..

4th September

Wake up in the middle of the night again. Feel like sms her but I don't know if I should "disturb" her. I feel I had neglect her these few days as I was quite busy with my work. But I know this shouldn't be an excuse. I think I should do something to make up despite my busy work... and that is buy bubble tea!!!!

Had a farewell dinner tonight. Maybe the next farewell will be mine... I had enjoy the dinner tonight, had been "cooking" food for her. Will there still be next time? I don't know will this also the last time I sending her to the bus. Do she have anything to tell or ask me? I know I got many questions but I don't dare to ask. I scare she isn't ready to answer me and make her more vex. She ask me why I have no mood today, I had type the reply but I just didn't send it out.. I know there is still no answer from her. Every night, my handphone is waiting for her sms but there is always none...

Trying my luck to see if I walk along the bus route, will there be any bus just happened to pass by and I can hop on to it. But I just don't seem to have any luck. Either the bus just pass before I reach or come after I go. Maybe the timing is really just wrong. Without noticing, I came back to Singapore River again. Maybe it is true that where things start, it should also end at there. Sometime I just can't force things to happen as what I had wished... I know things happened from now on will be a privilege and I will have to treasure it when it happens...

Today make a big progress in my shutdown preparation... maybe that will be the last thing I will help the company do... I hope I will not be label as "heartless" when I left as I fulfill the annual important thing to the company.

She told me she would think over the weekend. But same as what he had told her, if she need to consider, I think she no need to consider anymore... how can a 2 month happening compare with a 2 years relationship? Is not that my character is same as him, but sad to say, this is what I believe. I am already very happy that she say she will consider even though I believe the outcome is not to my favor... I think it is unfair for her to force her for an answer. Don't bother or think too much... Just enjoy the weekend....

3rd September

Sometimes I wonder can I really give her happiness? Will I treat her better than him? Will she really be happy with me? Will I share everything with her? Will I stay by her and cheer her up when she is down? Can I shelter her from anything? Will I face everything with her? Am I worthy of her?

If she scare of how people inside office will see us when we are together, I don't mind been a normal colleague or friend during office hour and together after office hour. Anyway I had said it will not be long that we might be in different sites. If she scare people ask her this and that, I will help her to think of answers or answer on her behalf. Most probably this is my wishful thinking again...

She told me yesterday she had gone out alone to look at something.. Maybe she don't know I don't mind accompany her to anywhere or look at anything.. Whenever I saw something nice just like those variety show introducing nice food or places, I hope I can be there with her...

Today meeting is nothing but more work. Already busy enough and still ask me to teach the shift engineer within the time frame, so client will be more "satisfied" with the service level. Almost all is more experienced than me, how to teach them? Ask me to feedback on them, I not so stupid again to tell the truth, I know my answer will be finding problem for myself. It should be a happy thing when people forcasting their leave but why am I not?

I really can't be as noble as 小鲍, doing all sort of things for 常在心 and letting her be with her boyfriend. I can't always watching her and him together and deceiving myself... I am getting tired..... in terms of work and personnal with everyday went past while others still think is because I watch too much drama....

Somehow, I think I know what to do...

Will my absence have any effect to anyone? maybe time can really fade away memories as what she said. Everything might be back to normal after some time...

Wanted to share her more about my problems but I had said earlier that one day, I still have to face it alone, can't always rely on "good" friend, unless she told me I am more than that... Maybe just tolerate a little longer, then problems will no longer exist... Let the next person continue this "office political war"...

2nd September

Busy day today. Work never seem to end. Haven't really touch on shutdown script and half day already gone. Late lunch with her, manager and the kid today. After which we went for dessert and my manager offered to share hers with me. I think if this goes on, it will make me more unbearing to leave. I got this feeling that something is bothering her and she keep a distance when walking back. But when I asked her, she say she all right. Am I thinking too much?

I really hope one day I can enter her life and we can explore places for delicious, famous food, go to places that we never been, enjoying sceneries and letting her taste the dessert that I make. But I know this is only a wish... don't dare to pin too much hope on it...

How long can I suppress my eagerness to know the answer, the urge to ask her questions? Maybe I will suppress till I am tired and leave... Just like today, got a feeling that she is going out after work but I just contain the question of asking where she is going in my heart. Telling myself I don't want to know...

Office had asked me to clear leave as I had 25 days and need to be submitted by next week. Maybe I should really start to plan... Getting tired as times goes... partly is due to the shutdown preparation and "political" issues I had to face within my own team... But no matter how busy or stressful fighting the "war", I still think of her, so I can definitely say that to forget her is impossible even I left...

1st September

Finally September has come and my busy month has start. Today weather is what I like but it cause disturbance to outdoor people as it is rainy. Her shoes got wet on the way back from lunch. I scare she might fall while walking on the slippery floor, how I wish I can hold her hands and walk with her. At the end of the day, I then get know of her leg is still "injured". If I had known earlier, I will change the lunch location to a nearer place, so she can walked lesser.

There is always better person out there but doesn't mean it will be suitable or compatible. To be together, there need to have some chemistry. And I think I had found the one. Maybe after all the "hardship", I will learn to treasure and not give up the plant easily. I don't know how good he treat her, but I know I will treat her the best I can.

Maybe if I really leave the site, all the memories of her will be hidden in some areas of my heart but to forget, I think is impossible, especially after all the efforts I put in. Her impression is too deep in my heart. I don't know if it is the same for her a not... She might be right that there is an "initial" stage of unbearing but I know this stage will be extremely long for me...

Last minute of the day, my manager call me to say due to client requirement, all the script that I had prepared need to be changed and asked me if is it possible for me due to the short time frame. When it is not a choice in the first place, why he bother to ask?

I don't know if I were to ask her out, will she still accept my invite? Even though this month is busy, I still want to spend time with her. Hope she can understand me and give me the chance to shower her with care.