Lost....

Yesterday is the first time I had agitated her. But it will be the last time also. Finally decided to give up after persisting for so long. I also not sure of the reason.. Maybe I really too tired mentally and I give in to her as she seem to like him very much and I know I can't replace him... I had never imagine I will lose this battle. Trying my very best in fighting this battle, thinking hard work will pay off. But not only losing in love, I had also lost in career. 赔了夫人又折兵... I realised in the process, I had given up too much and I had drifted too far from the team and "offended" some people... I think is too late to do anything..

No one ever made me shed a tear and she had done it twice. I don't know why I end up like this. Did I do anything wrong? My life is like a earthquake that had just occurred, over the night, everything that I had built up for so long is been destroyed. Now is in total mess. It happened just too fast for me to react. I don't know what is my next step. If I tender, all my shutdown preparation will be down the drain. Not to mention, I had turned down offers as I thought this will never happened... If I don't tender, can I still face her as normal? Can I don't let this affect my work with her? What is my objective in office when last time everything is for her?

Confidence is my strong point but now it is reduce to zero. But I will never blame her, all is just my wishful thinking. If time turns back, I will still do the same but this time round, I might not put in so much effort and yet getting nothing but full of wounds. Been with her all this while, I never regret. Instead, I am happy, most probably one of the few happiest moments in my life. She is the one that I love most but at the same time, I am wounded the deepest by her...

She insist of knowing what I had done but does she know by learning that, it might change her decision? I might or might not told her... What the point of spreading the misery to so many people? She said she never expect the after effect of "give up" to be so serious and wanted to decide again. I really doubting what she saying now. Should I believe her one more time and let her know what I lost or done? I have already lost the faith and trust... I had fell down once, now I had to climb up again and don't know if I can still walk as in the past. I really don't dare to fall down again...

Tonight I went back to the place where we first spend the night six weeks ago, singapore river outside central. Surrounding still the same but atmosphere is different. Memories flowing back... So much things had happened within this period. Why are we end up like this? Or I should say I instead of we...