Sad National Day

Everyone is so happy today except me.. This is my saddest National Day.. Why we had become like this? The flowers I intended to give you today, you had rejected it... Not only is the flowers you rejected, my effort in looking for the most beautiful bouquet, comparing every of them, find out which type of flowers mean, which can last longer, what type of color contrast look best, how to get the flowers and present in front of you... I had said a guy need a lot of courage to buy flowers for the girl he liked. I finally picked up my courage to order the flowers but in the end, you don't even want to take a look... I told the florist to cancel my order and she asked me again and again "are sure you don't want anymore", "it is very waste leh", "we can arrange to deliver it to any address you want tomorrow"... do they know how hurt I am already.. I still had to reconfirm again and again "Ya, sure... I don't want it anymore..." I know can arrange to deliver, but to where?? singapore river or rubbish bin?? I know confirm can't deliver it to the office.... When going to put down the call, I heard the florist telling her colleague "他真的不要leh... 很可惜" I also know 可惜 but what can I do?? Carry the flower and walk around alone, letting others know what is call wishful thinking, naive and foolish?

My initial plan today is to do what you like and wanted to do... First we will go marina barrage, after that Japan dinner at central where I will present you the flowers.. then we will slowly walked down to some place where we can watch the fireworks and I will show you another surprise during the fireworks.. After that, we will chat and engross in the celebration atmosphere.. I want everyone to envy of you that you are been loved with the flowers in your hands.. But all these can only appear in my dreams.. All the while, I never expect you will had to be my girlfriend after all these even though I hope so... I just take the whole thing as a gesture of my liking of you just like covering work for you or buying you almond milk tea... But somehow, you had think too deep in it...

I still can't understand why things change so fast?? just within a few hours.. 9+, we still going on fine.. 11+, things turn bad between us... I got a feeling is my too 冲动 and keep asking you question that make the night turn bad... You told me you only treat me as a good friend and that is your decision.. When you come to such a decision? Initially you told me there might or might not be a chance we will be together and leave it to fate but after that you seem to eliminate any of the chance... why is there such a drastic change? Is it because of what I do?

Why is my life full of misery? Last time only house is miserable, I still can stay in office to escape.. Now office is also miserable... Where can I escape to now? No where...

I am back to alone just like last time... What am I seeking? nothing.... What should I post next time?? nothing... What am I getting everyday? stress, endless quarrels and problems....

Mood very sad today but no one I can turn to... Go back to my old blog and found:

Monday, June 04, 2007
溏心风暴
Without noticing, it already June.. This month will be a busy month for me, 2 sites of my office got power shutdown, need to standby on site over the weekends to do some testing and ensure all the M&E systems working normally, not to mention a lot of paper and preparation work had to be done beforehand.

Currently watching TVB drama "溏心风暴". A nice touching drama, local drama definitely cant compare with it. It about family ties and some people doing all sorts of scheming acts over family fortune. Heard the rating is very high during airing in hongkong. People say 戏如人生, 人生如戏, quite true. From the drama, notice a lot of things, no matter how hard the obstacle or failure a person faced, at the end of the road, family is still there for him to lean onto; when the child wear the graduate hat, the most happiest persons will be the parents, true?? I think so. Cant understand why some people can forgo family ties for the sake of money? I agree money is important but is it really that important?? I don't want money but why I also can't find family ties? Why I always find myself alone in whatever I do? Happiness or sorrow all is me alone...


Another post from my last blog:

Sunday, July 01, 2007
1st day of July

七月已静悄悄地到来... Finally get to rest today after working everyday since 4th June. Last nite had a gathering with my frds, went for a drink. Reach the state of drunk, like the feel of brain been numb but dun like the hangover...

Saw the newspaper that one of the member from Soul has commit suicide, suspect is due to r/s.. Wat he write seem to make some sense:
"什么是爱？是牺牲？是要快乐？是要天天在一起？是对方快乐就什么就可以？是伟大？是无奈？是快乐？还是痛苦？是要有个伴？让你在最孤独的夜里心灵上有个依靠吗？是可以培养的吗？有时间性的吗？

走在漫长的道路上，你懂你要的是什么吗？你能用手触碰它吗？梦想是什么吗？还是你要放弃，让这完美的梦想，永远都不会有实现的一天？

尘世间最痛苦的事是什么？可能什么都不是。只是自己的一片痴心妄想。"

"走在这下着雨的道路上，你真正在等的是什么？

什么才算是真的拥有？心灵上的？肉体上的？可能都不是这些。。可能你什么都没有拥有过。

凡事只要已尽力，所该说的话都已说完，是否就已足够了？什么才是终点，如果你一直以来都不知道什么是起点。事实上，可能一直以来都不曾有过起点。又哪来的终点？就算有终点，你又怎能知道那里是终点呢？是由天来定，还是由人来定？"


I find the above really make sense now... Am I experiencing what he going through that time? Is the solution he choose the only solution out there? Nothing to bother after that, isn't that the easiest way out..
当我死去的时候亲爱
你别为我唱悲伤的歌
我坟上不必安插蔷薇
也无需浓荫的柏树
让盖着我的青青的草
淋着雨也沾着露珠
假如你愿意请记着我
要是你甘心忘了我

在悠久的昏暮中迷惘
阳光不升起也不消翳
我也许也许我还记得你
我也许把你忘记

我再见不到地面的青荫
觉不到雨露的甜蜜
我再听不到夜莺的歌喉
在黑夜里倾诉悲啼
歌