Your 2nd decision

I really don't know you like him so much. If I know earlier, I will control my feelings for you and all this will not happened. Remember the first time we went out to the IT show and chat at Marina Square Macdonald, during that time, I don't know you are already attached. I feel that we can click quite well, sharing all our past information (eg. What we do in our poly times, past job experience, interest, etc). I find out we actually had too much in common...

I know it is not easy to adapt to a new site especially a higher requirement front office, some more the cres team don't seem to have a good impression of you. They follow your instruction just because you are the DSM. To facilitate your working here easier and happier, I decided to be the mediator and pave the way for you. I show you around, telling you where need to pay more attention, where is less critical. I hope bit by bit, I can slowly influence you to change the style you bring over from atrium. Remember I told you "when you don't expect too much, you will not be disappointed as much". I not saying your way of doing things is wrong but it is hard to use it on the cleaning team over here. Instead of stating your expectation only, they would prefer you will be involved, or discussed with them. By just some simple action, they will find it is not that you are trying to make things hard for them but to improve the current situation. And things can only improve bit by bit and not at one go. I don't know if you still remember got one time, you, me and cleaning supervisor do a site inspection. Many areas are not up to your expectation and you had asked him to improve. He say ok in front of you but maybe you do not know after you left, he "grumble" to me. Then I and him run through everything again, explaining why some areas fail and advice him how to improve which he also agreed willingly. At that moment, I decided to "represent" you and show them you are not making things hard for them by understanding their work and helping them in whatever I can (eg. collecting cups for the pantry staff, fixing the loosen mop, etc). Maybe I don't really draw any line between me and them and my appointment is different from you, they tend to feedback more to me. With feedbacks from you and them, I think of ways to facilitate both sides even I had to hands on also (washing aircon diffuser), I also don't mind. Maybe they see us together too often, they start don't mind doing "extra" when you ask them to. Slowly they start to change the impression of you and you also become more flexible which is a good thing for teamwork. In the process, I had start to drift apart from my own engineering team...

I tend to spend more time with you and pay attention to what you say.. Trying to know you more through any ways I can. I always take note of what you like, dislike and where you want to go. Covering your job, standby for you become my work scope. When seeing you troubled and unhappy, I would think of ways to make you laugh. Thinking you might be tired, I would try to help you in whatever I can. When know you had to stay for any jobs, I would find some excuses and stay back with you... even on weekends, I would also deliberately come back to accompany you... Seeing you nobody accompany you for lunch, I turn down other lunch offer. I would find some opportunities to give you surprise like buying your favorite food that you had not eaten for some time. Knowing you are forgetful, I would constantly remind you or pass down instruction that you had forgotten. When going out or lunch, I would look out for any holes on the ground or uneven ground as you are wearing heels, look out for traffic when crossing the road. I also develop the habit of sms, bchat with you, turning my head to see if you are around, follow you around, finding ways to ask you out... When I know you like to watch TVB drama but usually not free to watch at home, I convert all the drama to handphone format and find the player so you can watch it on the move.. Even though the conversion is time consuming but thinking you can enjoy it, I don't mind it at all...

Next is the steamboat farewell dinner. We went shopping for your clothing after the dinner. You told me you don't like walking but you still walked from Bugis to Singapore River with me and had a long chat over there. You give me a feeling that we can most probably be more than normal friends. But reality is cruel. The next day, you break a sad news to me telling me you got boyfriend and is two years already at the esplanade library. But your action show me you are unhappy and insecure with the relationship. I try to act like nothing but deep in my heart, I am very sad. The next question is should I continue to fight the no guarantee war or retreat? Consider for a long time and since your signs told me you are unhappy with your relationship, I decided to go all out, thinking I will moved your heart with my sincerity and effort. Pick up my courage and declare my feelings for you. In the end, all I got back is "give up", wounds and false hope. I suffered the heaviest defeat without knowing the actual reasons. Up to now, I still don't understand how can I lost to a guy that hurt you before, decrease your trust and faith in relationship.. Sometime, I really doubt your words of "touched my heart", "can't bear to see you leave", etc. is it really from your heart? But in the end, I choose to believe it.. I really stand a place in your heart...

I finally realised the damage is so great. I lost career, love, confidence, trust and faith in relationship. I don't know after this fall down, can I walk back like normal? But I don't blame you. You still the girl I like most. All the effort, action I put in and the sacrifices is all the result of been over confident.. I think I will not be so daring anymore in love matters... The career I had build up in all these 3 years is been completely destroyed in just 6 weeks.. The feedbacks I received is all negative.. "start to rebel when only know something", "performance dropped", "useless", "gone case", etc.. Last time, all my work can be submitted to the client directly but now it has to go through other parties before submitting to the client, this show what? The client lost confidence in my work? A single mistake made in the past is often been seen as nothing but nowadays, a small mistake of mine is been amplified to my MD.. All those cost saving, initiative works is always been in charge by me but now it has changed to others.. Not to mention in charge, even involve also none of my business... How will I be able to gain back my performance again when nothing is left for me? By changing more light tubes?? Been always one of the high profile in the team, I suddenly dropped till like bottom... At first, I thought is just negative comment floating around only, still can take it.. Later found out that an overseas trip that is meant for me is had been replaced by someone else.. The trip finally is my turn after 3 years is gone due to the negative comment.... Increment usually I get the highest and will still get a little even when others don't have, this year round it seem to gone too.... The nearby overseas trip already no chance, not to mention the further ones.... All this happened not due to I had offend anyone but only drift apart from them... As the market is small, spread of mouth is fast.... Jobs offered that I had all rejected previously, will there be coming knocking on my door again? I wonder if I still got the strength to rebuild everything... What is my next step? I also don't know... I had no confidence in everything I do... beside picking up the wine bottle... Everyday I still had to put on a happy face and only when nobody is around, I can use back my original face... Is really tiring... Loving you is tiring, giving you up is tiring... Sometime I think falling for you is a wrong... like dropping into a deep hole where I can't climb up again...

Life is never fair.. That guy hurt you, cry a while, ask for forgiveness then get back together... I never hurt you, but why tears also come out from my eyes? I not blaming you or anything... Your just now sms, saying why I only treat you as a colleague, it is not true at all.. You should know I treat you as a very very important person but in the end what you say to me GIVE UP.. I put in so much effort in doing so many things to help you, make you happy, better working relationship with the team even though all is out of my own will, in the end what do I get again? GIVE UP... I cover your weekend work, scare you over tire yourself, want you to rest more, showering you with care and concern, in the end, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I even foolish and blind to the stage where I cover for your job and ask you to go and meet him, as I know you will be happier that way, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I told you all my thinking and feeling and ask for yours, your reply is "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"? Then I ask you for the reason for me to give up, you just give me "can't tell reason"... What kind of reason is that? You want me to tell you my everything and I had told you in this post... I just want to know more about you and you told me "personal reason that will hurt us".. What kind of reason is that again? I don't mind your past and any hurtful reasons, I am prepared to face it with you.. You just refused to tell me and say I will not be able to accept it... You know how hurt is that? Family problems which I usually don't reveal to anyone, yet I told you but even a problem of yours, you also can't share with me, do you know how disappointing it is? What am I actually to you? A colleague only? You say I might not want to see you online, that is the last thing that I will ever do... You know everytime you say "see you online", I will wait till around 1am, thinking you might be busy with other stuff, in the end, I still never see you online.. you know how I feel? How disheartening I am? Maybe to you, is just a casual remark, but to me, I take it very seriously. Everything you say I take note, just like the dance "The Next Wave".. When late night I didn't get your response, instead of getting angry, I am worried where you are, did you reached home safely... wake up in the middle of the night, checking for your sms... but everytime there is none... You know how worried I feel? You say you got the habit of checking sms instead of waiting for his sms, whenever you received sms, you will replied asap but when I sms you, I only get the reply after some time, do you think I am that stupid to believe that? You said you had feelings for both us but why you only show the feelings for him and not me? Why are you so unfair? You give me hope and you demolish it with your own hands.. It is not the first time.. Do you know it is really very heart breaking? I can easily make you stay till every job completes but I still believe I can move your heart, so I choose to cover for you. When I heard of your backache, I thought I cover for you today, so you can rest more but in the end, you tell me you are spending the night with him... You just want to break me down to pieces... And let me tell you today is a straight 13 hrs work.. and none of the work is under my care... even the manager also say it is very 可怜 to see me sitting there alone waiting for the job to complete.. I never even say one word about asking you to come back.... I just reply her with a fake smile... Sometime I really want to shout at you, vent out all my frustration, but when I saw you, I can't bear to.. When I already at my limit, I sms you but after that I will regret doing it and apologies to you.. Once again, I want to let you know although I had sacrifice a lot but I really never blame is your fault.. It all out of my own will....

You told me you are going to decide one more time as you don't know the seriousness and sms me a few times, my heart melt.... I decided to do whatever I can to try to move your heart once more even you just let me had a great fall... yesterday, I walked and queued for the kueh that you say nice.. at night, I scare your backache might get worsen, I offered to cover for you so you can go and see doctor... When election, before decision is made, the counting party must stay neutral to both voting party... You told me you still haven't reach a decision but every night you call him, meet him, stay at his house... yet I don't have that kind of privilege, please put yourself in my shoe, do you think it is fair to me? Not that I don't believe you but your action tells me my chance is very low.... I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't do anything, I scare I will lose to him... I want to do but I don't know to do what... Can you tell me what I should do to win you? He can happily doing nothing and winning you over as he don't know there is still this decision going on... I really can't accept that.. No matter how hard I run, he is just in front of me...

I don't know how well or good he treat you but I believe how I treat you should not be worse than him.. Base on what you told me, I know he had hurt you a lot.. Why can't you just give a chance to other guys to cherish you? Maybe your feelings for him is just too deep for any other parties to break through including me.... Maybe what I guess is correct, you and him is never meant to break even he breach the agreement again as your feelings for him is too deep... Now, you can very determined say yes, you will but when the time comes, the tears of his will melt your heart and let you forgive him again.. Remember that friday night, when me and you had a long chat, at that moment, I believe I already moved your heart and you have the intention to break but when you saw his sms, call or meet him, your heart went back to him again... So I can say no matter how much I do, I just can only moved you at that instance... Can you tell me all my assumption is wrong and told me the actual thing?

How will you feel if he told you he had feelings for you and another girl and he is deciding which one to go with. Then during this considering period, he stay overnight at the girl house and telling you he still considering, what would you think? Yesterday night, I had a talk with a friend which you know also, he gone through many relationship, at least 10+ and you can call him as a playboy also... He said every relationship he also got love the girl and almost all went to bed before.. But when the girl start to tell him about commitment, he will sure break... He told me one thing love and sex to a guy is 2 separate things while these 2 things to a girl is the same thing... He can go to bed with every girl but doesn't mean he truly love them... He also experienced the situation as your his before... He is attached then another girl also came into picture.. When been find out, he just apologies to his girlfriend and say is a mistake and he will not commit again but he told me his real intention is just to "delay" time.. so he can wait for another while still having this one.. I can't say he is bad as he really got feelings for his girlfriend, just that he hoping another better will come... A girl when with a suitable guy, she will not consider another guy that come later even he is better... But a guy when with a suitable girl, he will still consider another girl that come later... I don't know if your his is same as him a not, is up to your judgment.. But what I told you above, please don't let our particular friend know... wait he say I exposed his flirting secrets....

Maybe this is my last piece of confidence.. I only want to tell you, no matter what, my feelings for you will never change even though you let me down once... no matter how hurt or what, nothing is more hurt than losing you and I am prepared to face everything with you. I will not mind your past... the future is what I care... As long as you can give me chance and time, your feelings for me will sure more than what you had for him.. I will give you the happiness and blissfulness, treat you better and make a better boyfriend or even husband than him... I will always be there if you decided to tell me your problems. I will not let you leave me once you are with me.. I will share your joy and sorrow, listen to you and share everything I had with you... I know all these is say easier than done, but please believe me.. I will try my best in fulfill all my promise to you...

Tell you the truth, I had been drinking for 6 consecutive nights, it really made me forget what I had lost..and the sorrow, disappointment, disheartening, hurt you given me.... at least for the night, I can don't think about it... You asked me to listen you for once, not to drink.. But have you listen to me once? I had asked you before not to stay at his house overnight before any decision been made but you still did..
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾後悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
痛哭的人