19th August

A phrase from my friend “如果两个人的关系跟以前不一样了，谁也不需要再迁就谁，也不需要再为你做傻事，或默默地守候在你身边” After thinking for some time, I think it is quite true. No point doing so many things when the other party don’t appreciate it at all. Is just seem like a waste of time.

Somehow I get to know of the personal problem she referring to and after piecing the “info” together, it seem my assumption is correct. But does that matter now if I can accept or not? cause I guess this is not in her consideration in the first place…

These few days had been eating together with rest of the team, is it trying to tell me to treasure the times that I had and chances will be getting lesser or not going to have anymore? Next month will be my 3 years here… saw many people come and go… from day one till present, the only person that still here is site manager and me… we saw the team slowly getting bigger with people joining… it will be quite sad to leave this place… I wonder those that left had feel the same also? Maybe not as sad, as they don’t stay so long or put in so much effort and “emotion” to the site… Will I still encounter such a good team out there? To be precise, will I meet such a good manager? I had discussed with her regarding should I stay or move on… can be seen she also feel contradicting… she know my ability shouldn’t be just contained at this level but she also know if I left, she will loss a helper, for how good the helper is, I don’t know… Will the other “she” also feel contradicting? or just feeling a loss of colleague and a “good friend” only?

The sadness and the feeling of not bearing to leave had increased due to something that happened recently. I tried to convince everything can be back to normal… my behavior may seem to have do it but I know deep inside my heart, I still can’t let go at all… I know everything will be back to the same cycle again if I told her why and what I had been doing… In the end, it will be misery again… There are many things I want to know why but I had restraint myself from asking her or persuading her to do anything… my reply to her is only “ok” or short answer. What she wants to do, I will leave it to her to decide… What she wants to know, I will answer… I don’t want to “disrupt” any of her decision again… I not sure if she know till this very minute, I haven’t change a bit, just a word from her, I will do it no matter what…

The more I see 溏心风暴, the more I feel like I am like 小鲍. The whole family is turning around him, everyone want to have a piece of him… How much can he divide himself into? How much more “secret” he can keep for each individual member? When he not happy, he can’t reveal his emotion and still have to put up a strong front and think of others… When unendurable, he had to hide somewhere and let out the emotion alone… Despite all the problems, he still had to think of ways to cheer and encourage for the girl he liked, helping her to solve her problems… The only difference is: his work doesn’t give him problems but mine do… :(