Tired.......

By now, I guess you should know I had fail to tender again. I don't know you are happy or sad to hear this. I am really not bluffing you. I had consider tendering. Then your boss sms me and somehow it had "pull" me back.

Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?

I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?

I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?

I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...

As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.

Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....