4th October, depress...

I had been thinking for the whole night... But I still can't understand why... You had said you are considering but are you really doing that or you just want to "delay" the issue.. Your consideration is getting too long... I believed weekdays after work, you are tired to think about it. Weekends after going out with him, you stayed at his house and I assume you also can't think about it.. So when can you think about it? Is having my accompany on weekdays and him on weekends what you hoping for? What is so attractive at his house? Is it as classy as a Ritz Carlton president suite? If not, why you always need to stay overnight at there? You always told me he is not as bad as what I had think.. But you didn't tell me how good he is, maybe I have no right to know also.. I asked you several times why you can't leave him and what is holding you or your consideration, you just told me you still love him.. Is love the only reason? Don't you consider other factors beside love? Can you survive base on love only? You told you can't go without a job and I don't know what is your family situation. Is true we can't go without money but money is not everything also. Don't forgo other stuff because of money.. He might be better than me in terms of financial but doesn't mean I can't earn it to provide a better life for you... Is just at this current moment, I don't wish to switch job because of money.. I ask you for any other reasons for not breaking, I don't remember you telling me any.. So does that mean you believe your love for him will be everlasting? You will stay with him throughout as long as you still love him? Now you say you can't leave him because you still love him.. When he commit another offence, you say you will leave him but you still love him.. Doesn't that make any sense? Since you can still so love him after the first offence, why can't you do that for the second or even the third time? The moment you trust a person wholeheartedly, even the lies and bad, you will also can't see it.. You always say he is happy when with you and you can't sense any unhappiness.. This is what you think only... When he unhappy, does he need to put the word on his forehead? If he stop you from going to shopping and with your friends, will you be happy? When you considering whether to breakup, I think you only assume how sad he will be, the disappointment and hurt you will be giving him, the past happy memories of you and him will be gone, how good he had treat you... But you never think how hurt he had given you during the first offence, the disappointment he given you during your birthday or during normal times, his character and interest that you don't like.. And you never think for me if you were still to be with him... How sad I will be after so much more effort been put in than him, how hurt I will be, all the happy moments with me...

Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..

You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...

You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?

Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...

You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....

You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?

When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...

I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..

This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...