6th October

Feeling very different when waking up this morning. Not only I don't want to wake up but I hope this sleep can be forever. Maybe the daily event already make me very tired and I can't find any objective in carrying on this routine. As more time went past, I start to realise there are getting more that I can't understand. I don't know what I doing is correct or wrong. Why others without putting in much effort can get what they want? Why others not better than me can command better things? Why human are so complicated? Is only when gone then the truth will be out or it is never meant to be make known? Is getting what I want really so hard? Is it unachieveble no matter how hard I work towards it?

I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...

Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...

You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?

Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.

I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.

I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?