27th October

Today is a happening day.. Whole afternoon setting up for an event.. Organising event seem fun, maybe I had done that a few years back.. But if it is my full time job, I don't know if I am up to it..

I guess I should be able to hear some news soon.... Site manager show me her email stating that the account manager will be in contact with them soon... Will things still be the same if I cross over? Which site will I be posted to? Recently, my career seem to have a steep improve.. Is that my true working ability or am I suppressing it for too long? I only know I want to climb higher...

我曾经以为 最爱你的时候
我的眼泪可以像细水长流
流到我终于明白 属于我的不用哀求
感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个 继续难过的理由
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个放弃快乐的理由
Oh let me go 两个人都自由的结局
难道不是你梦寐以求 OH OH OH
难道是我主动要分手
太荒谬 你还不够

"属于我的不用哀求 感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋" So true.....

26th October

I thought it will be perfect if me and her can be together and at the same time my career goes a step further... But it didn't turns out as what I had thought... The only consolation is I can sense my career had gone further... I guess she still going on fine with him....

Suddenly I seem to "gain" a lot of trust from different parties.. They start to tell me more of their problems even though they are not my vendors.. Maybe this is what site manager had said "good relationship with vendor".. Next will be my soft skill with user... My working relationship with site manager seem to be go further as time went by... We can talk on any topic, work related or non related... I can feel there is quite a lot to learn from her... Tomorrow is another busy day... I guess I should be able to pick up one or two things...

25th October

Finally don't need to wake up so early today... These few days really tired... Every nights after updating this blog, my eyes will start to close...

Sometime I ask myself, if she were to choose me now, will I still be able to accept her? Even though I still got feelings for her... Maybe to me, once something had passed, you can't get back the same thing again... Just like a person can be very good to me but that doesn't mean I will forget it bad... Is that call realistic? Is it a good or bad thing?

Site manager yesterday ask me do I feel pity for missing the chance to be DSM due to the wrong info I received. She told me I should ask her how much the company is offering for that appointment instead of relying on the kid. I do feel a little pity but if I don't miss the chance, how will I know I am "qualified" for that post and the "popularity" I had in the team... I will take it as a blessing in disguise...

24th October

Lying on my bed listening to A-mei japanese song... I can imagine her emotion when listening to this song live... She will be very happy enjoying the song. But I will not be with her unlike the previous concert.

Now then I realise I had been "helping" her so much. It is pretty obvious after I start to "withdraw". Maybe I am too sensitive, she seem to be "isolating" from the team... It could be our attitude towards work and way of working is different in the first place. Given the current situation, I don't think my help is needed.

Today I then find out her boss don't know I had missed the chance to be DSM... Her boss told me I should had told her earlier, she will find ways to pull me in during that time.... Her boss feel pity that I had missed the first chance but she will try to help me in the second chance... But come to think of it, during that time, me and her boss is not so close, not even having meals together, so don't mention about talking "personal" stuff.

Maybe is all fated... Today work end unexpected late. And I overheard she seem to be meeting him. But I not going to be foolish to cover for her again. Some more her boss also ask me to go off with her. Her boss also suspect she got appointment but her boss don't want to ask me to stay. Maybe her boss also find that I had done beyond what is required. Somehow I feel that I can manage to persuade her boss to cross over... at least for short term... But currently, I don't have the intention.

I guess she must be thinking her previous site is better even though the exposure here is greater. Previous site, weekend going back to office is almost none, not to say staying for so late... Weekdays also don't need to stay so late... And last but not least, the management style over there suit her...

I can still remember when is the first time she had dressed like today since her arrival to this site. Does he also so attentive? Actually, all will be going on fine but too bad... Haiz...

22nd October

Seem like secrets between her boss and me is getting more... I think I am the only one beside her long time friends that she had told her "planning"... Now is just like as what her boss had said, 走一步，看一步... I can feel the tiredness increasing as time goes by.. Maybe is because I don't have anything to look forward to beside waiting for my 伯乐 to come... But I guess is soon since the switching over started to have news... Her boss had also told me she will try to help me cross over...

I better have the thinking of everything is over between me and her.... Don't want to hurt myself again.... I will be back to my normal self... An unpolished gem waiting to be discovered.... Even though how I wish to have that outcome, but I learn to let go.... It is her loss for not cherishing... She is not that good but I wonder why I like her... Maybe there will not be any answer.....

21st October

Is it really over between me and her? What a silly question I asking... Isn't the answer already out? It OVER... I shouldn't keep thinking that there is still chance. Let go is what I must do now...

Seem like knocking off together with her boss has become a habit. Her boss will ask if I were to knock off early but for others, she will just acknowledge.

What shall I do today? Nothing except waiting... Another guy had found his 伯乐... When will I find mine? Maybe once an oppounity is missed, it will not come knocking on the doors again... But 天无绝人之路, I just waiting for the time to come...

20th October

11 days passed... Her place in my heart haven't change... Have she give up on me already? Today she is sick. A few moments, I wanted to ask how she is.. Did she took any medicine? But it should be he to ask and not me...

Office doesn't seem any difference without her, and I am feeling "better" as I don't need to deliberate put on my "heartless" side, afraid that I will accidentally show my true side. I can be back to normal, have breakfast, "suaning", attend complaints, lunch, chatting, etc with her boss, no need to beware of anything. Think I need to change my leave planning again as her boss ask me to be around when she go overseas... Is that a compliment for my "importance"? I wonder will her boss say the same thing if others leave clash with her? Then her boss asked me why don't I go overseas together with her family.... What a joke...

I think I should "perfect" back my 3 principle, 快，狠，准 (efficient, resolute, accurate). Base on this, I think my working ability will improve... I thought I can also guide her along but I can't find the reason to do it now... If she want to take a step forward, I will be there for her... But I don't think she will want to... Anyway, according to what I and her boss had foreseen, last day of this year will most probably be the last day that we will be around... The usual new year party will become the farewell party for this year...

19th October

I think the only way to stop thinking of her is to leave... The whole day I can't stop thinking of her... what she is doing.. I roughly caught a glimpse on her checking on air ticket. First thing came to my mind is she is planning on a trip with him. But even that is the truth, I also don't have any right to stop. When she start to talk to me or message me, my thoughts will run wild again. Thinking I still got chance... But I know that not the truth... I will be "wake up" to face the reality again when I hear her sms tone during lunch hours and I know is from him. Why I can't just forget everything?

Sometime I just can't but believe in fate... An ex-couple ( X & Y) both meet their the other half and get married. Y never attend X wedding dinner and had no idea of where the venue is. But when Y get married, the venue chosen is the same and even the same ballroom. How to explain the coincidence beside fate? Just like me and her.. We both had feelings for each other but not fated to be together... I just had to resign to it...

Seem like getting a partner for me is a "major" concern for her boss. Occasionally her boss will bring up the issue again... Maybe her boss also notice my "good" side, will probably be a "good" boyfriend and husband and last but not least, my working ability even though we keep on bickering.. I think if me and her are together, her boss will be very happy... But too bad.... I am not the one she want...

18th October

因果，因果，有因才有果.. Do that really exist? I wonder what I had done to deserve this... I just want to find a suitable girl that can face everything with me, but it seem like it is hard.... All along I believe no one is perfect.. A person can't have the best of everything... My career might have passed with "flying colors" but in terms of love, I think I had failed... At this moment, I seem to have everything but short of "someone" to move on with me.... Maybe that is call fate...

Can she really forget about my existence? I can't... Does she still visit my blog everyday? How is she and him getting on? Still going on fine I guess... If every girls are like her that can't give up, I think there will not be so much breakup or divorce in the society... Maybe love is really a thing that can't be represent by value... Just like me and her... She can "gain" a lot of stuff if she had be with me but she rather choose him... That the fascination of love.... I hope she will not regret her decision...

I knew she is online... Even switching my msn to online, I also need to consider... I don't want her to be "distracted" by my online msn.. But maybe she will not be "distracted" at all, I guess she had given up on me totally... Only him in her heart.... But in my heart, I still hoping there will be a chance that one day, she will tell me that she had breakup with him and give me a chance...

I try to "force" myself to believe she is not that good... There are other girls out there that is much better than her... I can really be heartless towards her by ignoring her and minimise interaction with her. It is her loss for not cherishing me and one day, he will leave her for another girl.. But at the end of the day, I still can't make myself believe... I guess my love for her is too deep....

Magic show now... Is she watching?? Is a bit awkward if I remind her to watch now... I guess he will surely not reminding her as what I had done in the past.. Watching magic show is not his interest and he is not so attentive to her... Am I right?

The simplest shutdown...

The most simplest shutdown I had ever gone through is over. Going back this morning to ensure everything is back to normal.. Even though is simple, it is also another exposure to my experience.. Isn't life is like this? Adding pages to it as time goes by....

IF me and her is together, I guess today will not be as boring... Most probably at this time, I am outside with her.... No matter how I wish things to happen, I still can't forced it... I can put in 101% effort but that doesn't mean I will "win".. Is the same everywhere... All I can do is to keep my finger cross... Maybe he is really her 伯乐... Just like the song below

爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个最让你舍不得
感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的　她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的　虽然过去了
我们也都经历了
释怀教育著仇恨　和平劝著天下人
故事发生了便住下了　不管好的坏的
你让我成长了　就算是痛得值得
爱你的那一个　伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐

爱你的那一个　伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了　看看眼前的人
流泪记住了　还是微笑祝福著
伯乐

Up to now, I still asking myself why she want to be with him? If she had chosen me, it will surely be a "brighter and happier" future for her in terms of personal or career... But she want to choose otherwise... That nothing much I can do to change her answer I guess even though I really like her very much... But is there really no chance at all? Maybe by leaving will make me forget about her... What I can do now is to wait for the time to come... Maybe by then, the "consolation" is that I am not leaving alone....

17th October

Another day gone... Even today is public holiday but I still had to go to another site for power shutdown testing... Waking up in the morning with a headache... No choice but to take panadol and go to work.... Tomorrow had to go back to ensure everything is back to normal.. Sometime I think why I work so hard for?

Feeling very very tired... Thought going back home can rest but this idiotic home is full of nonsense... Then got this idiotic person thought she is "very great", everything she do is right, always creating problems with others... and worse, her thinking can't be changed... Why finding someone to understand me and sharing my feelings with is so hard? Am I really that inferior?

Today is Saturday again... I know she is with him and most probably staying at his house... But I don't feel as "negative" as in the past... Does that mean my heart had start to let go?

Our working style is different resulting in many feedbacks regarding her... I think it is pointless for me to continue to "assist" in her affairs... Since we can't go a step further, I think any unhappy or difficulties, she should counsel him or turn to him for support.... as he is the one she chosen....

Come across this song by Andy Lau.. I like the lyrics...
我我为你付出所有的
我的担心我的甜蜜我的呼吸
你的笑绝对的神奇你的哭绝对的可惜
因为你让我明白生命的真谛
可知道你的不小心会让我伤心一辈子
我是愿意为了你今生永不渝
为我你要好好自己保护自己
慢慢的学习不要干着急
一步一步走出每一个谷底坚定不移
为我你要好好自己保重身体
在每一段的路总会一身污泥
心肝宝贝不要怀疑最爱的就是你(最爱的是你)
你你是我一生的唯一
你的声音你的鼓励我的意义
如果没好好的身体
你我怎能永远在一起
外面的风和雨已不是问题
你永远是我的心肝,而我已不是你的宝贝
心肝宝贝

Cute sweets....

16th October

Had a headache at the end of the day... Will there be anyone that bother about it anyway? 7 days already... I wonder how she is feeling now? How is she and him? I think she is happy as there is no much "misery" and enjoying his accompany...

Today bought porridge for the team.. Partly is because I saw her eating biscuits for breakfast everyday... It will be heaty and she is not feeling well... The other reason is for her sick boss...

How many persons look at the goods and bads before making a decision? Often, no matter how good is a person, as long as there is a mistake, all the goods of his will be reduced to zero... Isn't that always the case?

Today is the longest "discussion" I had with her boss... It seem like if we both were to leave, the whole office will 变天... But when it had to come, it will have to come... That is nothing such as everlasting... I can feel that her boss is ready to leave... "She" seem to have a lot to learn but I don't think I can guide her much... Since she already choose he is the one, I hope he can advise or support her.... be it personal or career.....

Her boss still believe there might be a chance that I will take over her position... Am I really that capable? Will that really happen? When will the scene of having meals together with her boss going to end? Soon I guess....

15th October

Day by day passed... I should feel happy as I don't need to "suppress" my career ambition... I know I am progressing in these few days but I am not happy at all... Isn't to climb higher is my dream? I rather go back to the past when with her... Even though I am staying put during that time, but as long as with her, I will be happy... How I wish time will fade everything that I want to forget....

Today she still seem like not feeling well... I wanted to show her my concern but I think I shouldn't bring any more "misery" to anyone... Just let her think I am "heartless".....

It seem like in this market, those with engineering background will go far... such as the overseas FM also got engineering background... Will I be one of them also?
我要用力飞, 不管有多远
超越了极限, 挑战的冒险
我要勇敢追, 奔向到终点
痛过的泪水, 换来是甜美

14th October

Another day went past.... Nothing much happened today... She seem tired and most of the time remain quiet... I think she is just too tired due to the cold and nothing else on him... Better don't think too much... A few times, I wanted to ask her if she is feeling unwell from the cold but in the end, I just put up my "don't care" face... Up to now, I still think we are suitable for each other but.... I can't deny my work ability is not that bad, a guy that do household chores, just like watching dishes at the pantry today and inside the lift during knocking off, a user seem surprise when I discuss with the site manager on cooking issue... Why don't she want to be with a "good" guy like me? I can say that my heart is still open to her now, waiting for her to give me a chance...

Her boss tell me to "work hard" when she saw a wedding invitation card. Isn't I working very hard? Just that the girl don't want me... What is her intention of telling me? Does she hinting that my career is stable and I am a "good" guy, so finding a girlfriend shouldn't be a problem?

Work seem slack to me... Whole day nothing to do and end up doing jobs that doesn't belong to me.... But due to I had "hands on", I can reveal much more opinions from different angles... After these few days, it seem like there is still a gap between her level and the level of me and her boss... But given this situation, I am not required to help her to "bridge" to our level... I should just concentrate on my own career and bring it to further height...

She is online tonight again but as usual, I just remain offline again... I guess she will feel better this way... no need to think too much.... just him only....

13th October

Quite a fulfill day today... Accompany site manager with the overseas visitor and coffee session.. Leave office around 8pm after a discussion.. After today, I am more confident to say I am ready to take over a management role. Only those that had go through before will have a clearer picture and by looking at different angels will make me foreseen the difficulties that may occurred.. The visitor visit had somehow widen my exposure... I think if not for appointment issue, I can learn much more.... but too late to regret now... I had emphasis too much on money factor during that time... If not, I most probably be the deputy...

Since love path doesn't seem smooth to me, I should concentrate on my career... Everyday I will try to learn as much as I can... especially the way of management and issue solving... I guess those working with me will feel "threaten" when I ignite my flame of ambition....

Had come across this song today, take a bow by Rihanna. Not sure why, a portion of the lyrics seem to attract me. The lyrics as follow:
"But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now..."

12th October, 3rd day...

3rd day "without" her. Got an unusual feeling today for not bchat with her but somehow time just went past... Ask her wanted to join me and another colleague for lunch but she rejected, saying she wanted to buy some stuff. I guess if nothing happened, she will ask me to go with her.

Sometime I really envy her. To me, her working ability isn't greater than me but due to her appointment, she always got the "recognition" and oppounities to learn more stuff. When problem arise, then I will be remember. Why is it always like this? I swear I will not remain behind the backstage forever... I think the only solution is to leave this place...

Shaking leg everyday in office, got a feeling like counting the number of days left.. Her boss ask me how is the "status" and I just answer "waiting". On our way back home, we talked about the same topic again and booked the restaurant for their tomorrow lunch. This restaurant her boss had treat me on Dec 06 when I just joined this job for 3 months. Time passed so quickly...

Have she still come to read my blog? Does she know I still like her very much? There is another girl that I can woo but I know the feeling is just not there. I admit her appearance is better but her character is just not the one I looking for. I think I shouldn't waste this girl time... Anyway, I am used to been alone... Lonliness, my long time friend had came back to me...

Why in the past, she didn't online as often? These 2 days, I always saw her online but I just remain offline... Don't want to soften my heart again. Wanted to send her a good night sms but I hold back... I should continue to "endure" till I left... Stop bringing misery to others... I had start all these troubles, so I will be the one to end it...

Heartless....

She had said she is not feeling well... I wonder had she recovered... I think by "ignoring" her, she might feel better... Since she had the decision, I will be "heartless" and not to sway her decision again... Wanted to sms her a few times but I don't think I should do that... The magic show tonight is great, wanted to remind her to watch but I think this will "weaken my stand", so I hold back in the end.... I should not disturb her anymore and face everything myself...

Counting down.....

Finally.... I can say finally... After so much, I had decided not to be the "foolish" guy to wait anymore.... Getting too tired with no result after so much effort been put in.... This blog will not be like last time that will be updated daily... From now on, I will updated as when I feel like it....

Surprisingly, when she told me the answer is him again, I am not as sad as I had thought of... I know no matter how much effort, concern I put in, how much I love her, how unbearing, I still can't replace him... If in the past, I will reluctant to let go and continue to persist... But this time, I can accept it so readily... Maybe I understand "not to persist something I had lost or that is not meant for me in the first place".. Since she think he is the "better" and more suitable guy, then fine with me...

I had "suppress" myself for so long, if all this had not happened, I will already been in a management role... I miss the chance to work under her boss 1-2 years back... If I had taken that chance, I believe I can learn much more and by now, my experience is of another level...

Her boss had expected me to have some decision but she never expected I will made a decision so fast... Maybe after so much people had leave recently had made her "see openly"... Maybe it will not be long that after my leaving will be hers... She is tired after staying in this environment for so long and don't intend to stay any longer especially of this switching over incident... But I surprise she asked me to take over her role... She had think too high of me as I know I still not qualified enough... I didn't know that I am so "hot favorite", a few others had said they don't mind working under me after their current boss left... Does that mean I can be their number 2 boss? Haha.... Even my own engineering boss had "release news" to outside vendor not to "touch" me... I thought he had "condemn" me... I never know I still got some "value" to him...

I said before "当两个人的关系不一样，谁也不许要再迁就谁".. From now on, when things doesn't concern me, taking in my hands is a privilege, not an entitlement... I really want to see how things will become if me or her boss didn't interfere... Will the office be turn upside down or will it be as smooth? Only time will tells...

The below song is been kept in this blog since 5th August... Never got a chance to upload till today... I still remember 8th August is the "first" time me and her decided to go separate ways after I asked her for her decision and she answered he is very important to her... After that, there seem to be chance that we might be together but never know in the end, her answer is still the same... I guess she will not remember that this song is also been played at a shop when we go Illuma on 19th June... So fast is almost 4 months had passed with so many happy and unhappy times in between... time to move on... no point waiting for something

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)
Dreaming Of You

a post that came late...

A post that is meant to be uploaded on 6th September 2009..... I thought it will just remain as a draft and never meant to be uploaded... but in the end, it is meant to upload later and not never....

再见

我怕我没有机会
跟你说一声再见
因为也许就再也见不到你
明天我要离开
熟悉的地方和你
要分离我眼泪就掉下去
我会牢牢记住你的脸
我会珍惜你给的思念
这些日子在我心中永远都不会抹去
我不能答应你
我是否会再回来
不回头
不回头的走下去

一个人的精彩

那天醒来忽然想开
不愿再做等待的女孩
拿掉戒指扎起马尾
开始不再想你姿态
接受无奈承认失败
她才是你的爱
寂寞伴随自由色彩
迎面来
头发甩甩大步的走开
不怜悯心底小小悲哀
挥手bye-bye 祝你们愉快
我会
一个人活得精彩
也许明天我会选择
自己旅行不轻易恋爱
也许明天我会遇见
比你更适合的男孩
接受爱情自有安排
谁才是我的爱

Finally.......

I thought today will be different but turn out is still the same, still nothing from her... I am tired... I had given her a lot chances, delaying my plans again and again... I guess I should wake up by now after numerous times of disappointment and hurt. Since he is the one that she feel is more suitable for her, I will respect her decision. From now on, I will not pressure her again... She is "free" to do anything she want... This blog most probably will be drawing it curtain soon...

No matter how unbearing or sad, I will not show it in front of anyone. I never thought that "the time" will come so soon. Initial plan is end of the year but maybe the recent happening "trigger" me to bring forward. To give up my 13th month which is coming in Dec, I never imagine I am so "noble"... As what her boss and others had told me, my future doesn't end here. Thinking back, a 40% increment in switching to this job and another 40% in 3 years here, this should prove my ability...

Partly why I like water so much is because I am just the same as it. Water can float a boat but it can also sunk it... I can put in 101% effort but I also can don't put in at all. All is depend if I see is it worthwhile. I believe as what her boss say "no one is indispensable" but to a certain extend, it will cause a certain "disruption" and earth will seem to be turning slower than usual.

Anyway, a few of the core team members are getting tired over here, maybe is time we go separately to search for greener pasture. What I am going to do everyday is to count the days till the final day come...

Tired.......

By now, I guess you should know I had fail to tender again. I don't know you are happy or sad to hear this. I am really not bluffing you. I had consider tendering. Then your boss sms me and somehow it had "pull" me back.

Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?

I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?

I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?

I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...

As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.

Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....

Should I leave?

1 more day to her graduation. She must be very happy. Finally the day has come. As her boyfriend, I think he will be there to spend the memorable moment with her, presenting her flowers, arrange a venue for dinner to celebrate... That what I will do but sadly, I don't have the chance...

My hopeless seem to be increasing with the days went past... What should I do? Have I lost already? I don't know why but I just can't "tolerate" she and him still going on fine... Am I really can't replace him? If there is any difficulties or hardship, she can just tell me, I will face it with her...

Funny... Recently got people ask me to go clubbing. Not only one but two and is girls somemore... But I rejected. If it is she that asked, I will surely say yes. Don't know why, I find it pointless to do anything except with her around.

I feel the time has come... Got a feeling to tender today after I saw her and him still sms-ing... To me, she don't have the intention of giving him up... For me to make a decision is difficult, as my next job is an unknown. But for her to make a decision is not that hard, when she leave him, there is a "better" guy waiting for her. I just don't understand why....

6th October

Feeling very different when waking up this morning. Not only I don't want to wake up but I hope this sleep can be forever. Maybe the daily event already make me very tired and I can't find any objective in carrying on this routine. As more time went past, I start to realise there are getting more that I can't understand. I don't know what I doing is correct or wrong. Why others without putting in much effort can get what they want? Why others not better than me can command better things? Why human are so complicated? Is only when gone then the truth will be out or it is never meant to be make known? Is getting what I want really so hard? Is it unachieveble no matter how hard I work towards it?

I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...

Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...

You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?

Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.

I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.

I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?

5th October

Is Monday again.... The beginning of the week is usually seem long especially when I am not looking forward to anything.. Maybe subconscious I already know we can't be together.... I just deceiving myself that I still got chance while waiting for the time to come.. Is that really the fact? Only she has the answer....

I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...

Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??

29th August letter...

I had "accidentally" come across the soft copy of the letter that I had given you on 29th August.. I decided to upload it since it is also part of our memories... Maybe the original copy is already "long gone" from this world...






and the tickets....

4th October, depress...

I had been thinking for the whole night... But I still can't understand why... You had said you are considering but are you really doing that or you just want to "delay" the issue.. Your consideration is getting too long... I believed weekdays after work, you are tired to think about it. Weekends after going out with him, you stayed at his house and I assume you also can't think about it.. So when can you think about it? Is having my accompany on weekdays and him on weekends what you hoping for? What is so attractive at his house? Is it as classy as a Ritz Carlton president suite? If not, why you always need to stay overnight at there? You always told me he is not as bad as what I had think.. But you didn't tell me how good he is, maybe I have no right to know also.. I asked you several times why you can't leave him and what is holding you or your consideration, you just told me you still love him.. Is love the only reason? Don't you consider other factors beside love? Can you survive base on love only? You told you can't go without a job and I don't know what is your family situation. Is true we can't go without money but money is not everything also. Don't forgo other stuff because of money.. He might be better than me in terms of financial but doesn't mean I can't earn it to provide a better life for you... Is just at this current moment, I don't wish to switch job because of money.. I ask you for any other reasons for not breaking, I don't remember you telling me any.. So does that mean you believe your love for him will be everlasting? You will stay with him throughout as long as you still love him? Now you say you can't leave him because you still love him.. When he commit another offence, you say you will leave him but you still love him.. Doesn't that make any sense? Since you can still so love him after the first offence, why can't you do that for the second or even the third time? The moment you trust a person wholeheartedly, even the lies and bad, you will also can't see it.. You always say he is happy when with you and you can't sense any unhappiness.. This is what you think only... When he unhappy, does he need to put the word on his forehead? If he stop you from going to shopping and with your friends, will you be happy? When you considering whether to breakup, I think you only assume how sad he will be, the disappointment and hurt you will be giving him, the past happy memories of you and him will be gone, how good he had treat you... But you never think how hurt he had given you during the first offence, the disappointment he given you during your birthday or during normal times, his character and interest that you don't like.. And you never think for me if you were still to be with him... How sad I will be after so much more effort been put in than him, how hurt I will be, all the happy moments with me...

Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..

You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...

You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?

Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...

You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....

You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?

When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...

I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..

This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...

3rd October, mixed feeling...

Saturday, as usual, a busy day for me. But today most of the work is not mine. I am just helping her boss to supervise some works. Suddenly she asked me is my CV ready and might want it anytime and we talk about the "hot" topic again. When I ask her how she see the chances of staying, I surprise that her daily "behavior" is a contrast to her answer. She can still be so "normal"... I think others will not expect this answer if didn't ask her. At that moment, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Happy cause everything finally come to an end. Sad cause I really unbear to let go. She also admit that our working pattern is similar and if I want to go further than her, I should have some "changes" different from her. She also guide me how to be a "good" manager.

Even though changing desk arms is tiring, but this is one of the time when we show working as a team. Maybe this scenario will be ending soon. It hard to find manager that will "hands on" with her team. I like to work in such a team, work, eat, enjoy together. Just like today, after changing the arms, eat lunch, enjoy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Will we be eating mooncake together next year again? Recently she seem to have keen interest in my love life, always ask me this and that especially when I mention girls name. How I wish I can tell her "she" is the one I like. But I know there is no chance to do that. I guess she somehow know only me and her will do certain things and she ask me to go back early today, don't stay back for "extra" work. She rather "others" to come back tomorrow to do it. She once told me she really appreciated for the "extra" work I done and assisting her. Maybe that why me is closer to her than her own team members. Due to the appointment, there a limit she can let me involve. If she "rope" me in too many issue, it may show unfair to others. But I think if given a chance, my ability shouldn't be a problem to do all that.


I didn't deliberately ignore her today but I just don't know what to say to her. She sms me if I am still in office when all the work almost finish. After I replied, she didn't reply again.. Why she asked? Nothing to do or for the sake of asking? I thought she will talk to me today but she just remained quiet. Since she like pure silence, then let it be. I think she is meeting him out tonight, most probably overnight at his house again. Haiz... After so much up and down, she still be with him, what can I say anymore?

Tonight pass by Fort Canning again. Memories of we going to concert flood my head. So coincidence, I am eating sushi for dinner, same as that night. But I guess no more next time based on her feeling for him. She can still like him so much after the "flirting" incident, clubbing character and disappointing answer. Seem like I have to accept reality, I can't make her choose me... Once wind blow, it can't return back to it original position...

Seem like my guess is right... She just sms me good night but when I say she is at his house, she don't want to reply back... I think that is the silent admit.. But since she already have his accompany, why still want to sms me good night? What she really wants? Maybe he might be "不爽" after knowing my existence and her feelings for me.. But his 不爽 is regarding what? He jealous due to his feeling for her or he can't accept the fact that his girlfriend had another guy in her heart and make him "loss face"? He might also can accept a 2 timer girlfriend but I definitely cannot... Either she break, or I leave..... But is just a matter of time I leave after talking to her boss today... I can't find a reason to stay since she choose him...

3rd October, sad...

Mid autumn festival today.. 但愿人长久，千里共嫦娟. She and him will be together to celebrate this festival for couple...

Maybe I too understand you, I know you will still have no answer (or I rather say be with him), I had already start my "plan" as per your boss "advice" which I didn't told you yesterday. I am just waiting for the time to come... Even though I expected your outcome, but I still want to deceive myself that after this 2 weeks, your thinking is different and you and him is already on "breakup" mood and ready to break at any moment. I just refuse to accept the fact that you 2 still going on as normal. You keep saying I shouldn't fall for you but isn't it too late to say now. The fact now is I like you and you also like me.

You say he will be sad when breakup but you also agree I put in more effort than him despite the shorter time duration. You know I will be more sad than him if I let you go? You say you like him that why you can't let go, but you also like me and you can let me go? I know changing your thinking is hard and if not been forced, you will not bother. I think the answer is with him, if he can't initiate breakup, you will just stay with him. Sad to say, I can't wait for so long. If you don't want to leave him, I have no choice but accept. I will leave when the time comes.

Maybe is fate, after last night talking, today your boss and me will be alone in the morning, I think we will discuss on the "hot" topic again... To you, the new company coming in now is a disaster. To me, it might be a blessing in disguise, putting an end to everything. I think your unbearing when me and your boss or even your admin support leaving is just those "normal" type. I guess I had read too much into it, thinking your unbearing to me will be more than the other 2. No matter how sad or unbearing, I still had to let go, right?

2nd October

Today shall be a busy day due to tonight event. Today is also her boss birthday. Somehow I think she also feel that we will be having a "party" for her, just that she don't know the timing.

She offered to queue with me to buy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Is there any "meaning" or am I thinking too much again? Anyway I am buying for her and her boss, the 2 most "important" person in my workplace.

After everything is almost 10pm, as we are waiting, I start to leak some of her boss consideration and one of the plans we intend to do. I not threatening her but just to remind her time left isn't that long. As what I had expected, she still can't give me an answer but the ending didn't end as bad as last time.

I know you will be reading this blog. I can PROMISE you are one and only in my heart. I will not go out and "play". I wanted to tell you "我非常非常喜欢你". Why I want to send good night and morning sms everyday is because I really hope you can let go and be my girlfriend before the D-day comes. I don't want to take cab below ORQ is because I want to be with you longer. I really can't the feeling of been apart from you. But I give up once you say you are in pain. My love for you will definitely be more than him. I know he some time doesn't mean what he want, but if can agree to break up means to certain extend, he actually don't mind. How can a guy be unhappy with a girl accompanying him? But I think he will be happier with girls and buddies at the same time. If a better girl approach him now, you think he will reject or accept her? He will tell you to break up and come to me. Your 喜欢 for him can actually be replace by 喜欢 for me, just that you don't want to try. How long can your 喜欢 last? I guess his 喜欢 for you is getting lesser when time goes. Even you also agree you can't trust him as much now. Just think of how he break your heart that time, maybe you can bring yourself to take the first step. How can a guy don't mind his girlfriend got another guy in her heart?

Enough of him.. If I were to leave, I know I will be very miserable and sad. I really very 舍不得 you. I think you will feel the same too. I think my tears will drop on my last day as I know once I step out of ORQ, there will be no return. Do you really want that to happen? I can promise I will try my best to be the only guy in your life. No other girls will ever able to overtake your place in my heart. I may like drinking in the past but now I only drink occasionally, that why just now I don't even want to touch 1 drop and I will not say is because of you. I want to let you know is not you "forced" me but is I do it willingly. You will not regret for been with me. You will have a more attentive, considerate, caring, filial boyfriend that can help you in whatever ways. I hope you can really break with him but if you just because of 喜欢 and don't want to break, that fine. I will try harder till the day I left. I think you will feel more sad than leaving him by that time. I know no matter what I say is nothing. Your no reply will eventually lead to 1 thing, I LEAVE. I know you are tired now. Good night.

Children Day..

Today is children day, it is so good to be them. No need to bother and think so much like adults..

So fast it has been 1 week since we went to the F1 rocks concert. The memories of that night is still deeply in my mind. Is it also the same for her?

She seem to feel sad if her boss and I were to leave. She already feel like this as she just come for a few months. What about me? Me and her boss are the only ones that has been around since day one of this site. 天底下没有不散的宴席. But I will stay with her throughout if she give me a chance. I will never leave her no matter what. I will delay the situation of her boss and me leaving as long as possible. Is breaking up with him really so hard for her? I wanted to ask her how she is going to spend the mid autumn festival, with him or her family? Should I ask? I wish I can spend it with her but I already been "booked" for family dinner.

I wonder how often does she read my blog... Does she know how I feel? Can she just accept me? Can she just let go everything and be with me? If there is sorrow, I will share the burden with her. If there is problem, I will solve with her. If there is joy, I will laugh with her. If her leg is pain, I will support and walk with her. If she suffer, I will suffer with her. If she afraid she can't take care of the plant as good as me, I will not mind as long as she have the intention to. I will "cover" for her "shortcoming" and let the plant continue to grow. Can we start a new chapter of our life?

Don't know if it is call fate... Tomorrow got an event that is actually all of us will stay but slowly, one by one need to leave earlier and in the end only left 2 of us.. Don't she feel I really care for her? I also don't know why I will put her interest in the first place in everything I do. Just like today, I intend to buy a strawberry cheesecake for her boss as an early birthday cake. Somehow I decided to buy one more for her. I think I had love her so deep till she had become part of me. My thinking will "automatically" include her without considering.. Even though her birthday is still a few months away, I actually start to plan what I am going to give her and how to celebrate with her IF I got the chance.. I will make sure her every birthday is full of surprise and happiness. I can tell her she will not regret for been with me... Since she already start to feel the "sadness" of her boss and I leaving, can she just treasure the time we had.. I don't wish to leave when we haven't even started....

Should I tell her how I feel tomorrow night? I scare it will made the night turn bad again.... Will she tell me anything? I will see if she will bring up anything tomorrow night before I decide to tell her my feeling....