Thinking back, most of the times is my 执着 that make things worse. If I can 看开, things might be better. Everytime we can be happily going out but after that, we usually had an unhappy ending just because I always pressure her for an answer... I should not do that again but sometime is just hard to control as I am getting impatient... Why can't 2 person that like each other be together?
Even though how much I "dislike" my family, I think is still my responsibility to show my concern. Although I don't require much help from them now, but I can't deny that without them, I might not be what I am today. Maybe I had start working since young, I know if I want something, I need to work for it. From my first handphone to my degree, I paid for myself, different from my 2 siblings. But I am also the one that "involve" and help out the family the most. If in terms of own and repay, I repay many times of what I had own.. Maybe I am destined to be a family guy since the day I born. By not letting them know my problem, they think I have no problem and they want me to solve their problem too. A simple thing become complicated... I am really not a superman... I solve their problems but who can solve mine? Don't they know how they treat others, others will repay back? 无私的付出虽然不一定会得到回报，可是不付出又怎么会有回报？
Changing people thinking is very hard. And so unlucky, I need to change 2 person thinking. First is my mum... She is too "traditional", why can't she just keep up with times.. always think with "traditional" thinking... can't she be more flexible? Her traditional thinking always give me problem directly and indirectly.. Second is she.. What should I do so she can leave him? Obviously, I am the better guy that can give her more happiness and she will be happier with me.. We both had feelings for each other... But because of the 2.5 years duration, she can't bear to leave him... haiz....
In the evening, received a call from site manager telling me a glass shattered again.. Too bad, I not within the area and got a family dinner, so I can't rush down.. But immediately after dinner, I go down and site manager also reached just a little earlier than me... as this is not our first time experience this, we just do what is needed but this time, vendor cannot be activated.. So I can said this can also be consider as a new experience. We (me, site manager, her daughter and her husband) knocked down the glass and cleared all the shattered glass pieces away. By the time we finished, it is almost 10pm... Last minute incident, what can I say.. that is our job... I think girl from the same field will understand this and can "tolerate" these last minute stuff if at that time, we are outside together. I guess that girl will not blame me... That also one of the minority reason why I like her because I know she will understand my job.. I thinking of asking her out for dinner tomorrow but I suddenly remember she got training tomorrow, so no choice, I don't want her to miss her training because of me....
Monday, September 21, 2009
21st September
5 more days to shutdown.. These few days I had been thinking. If I withdraw, will she be happy? Can I really give up? Did I really strive for it beside using words? I know the answer is no. I never really show it in action how important she is to me. I only talk without action and keep pressuring for an answer. I didn't even have the courage to ask her out. When I feel like it, I talk to her. When I am moody, I will not talk to her. How will any girl want to be with me when I don't even consider in her place or neglect her feeling? I admit I am jealous when I know she is with him. It may be a good sign, as a person is jealous, this means that girl stand an important place in his heart. But jealous is not a reason for making unreasonable remarks or request to her. I will try to control my jealousy and not let it rule my head again. Time is running out and I will treasure it. All the moments will be happy I promised. I will not let anything at office affect her... Love a person doesn't mean how you want it to be but must let her know how you love her in action.
Tendering or leaving this site is a small issue as we still can be contactable.. But what if something more serious happen, only then she will really regret? Life is fragile, nobody knows what will happen the next moment... Why I didn't meet her 2.5 years ago? Can I turn back time? Is the only way that they will breakup is when he made a mistake again? Then I rather be selfish and pray that he will make mistake soon. Not to say I think negatively, but there is a possibility that if I were him, even I made a mistake again, I might not tell her.. How can she find out if I didn't tell the truth? especially I know that she had another guy in her heart.. I can just say nothing had happened... I don't expect her to think straightaway as the crossing over issue suddenly come in and I know she is quite troubled by it. But don't let the work issue mix up with her personnal as this work issue might last for months..
I think he will not give up anything for her sake, especially his interest. He will just put it off for the moment.. This also mean he will not give up the entire forest for a tree.. But if I meet the tree, I don't mind giving up the forest willingly... It might be a release for him if they were to breakup.. He will be able to go back to his favorite clubbing with his friends without any constraint.. since in his heart, he can't give up... Why she want to "force" him to do something unwillingly? Will there be happiness? How long can she control him? When both together, isn't to "click" with each other is important? If he like clubbing and she don't like, why still have to insist to be together? Is only a 2.5 years relationship.. I can't say it is short but it is not long either... As what the kid had said, if a couple meet everyday for 5 years, then it is long but if they only meet once or twice a week for 5 years, it is less than a couple with 2 years relationship... so I can say his 2.5 years is not exactly very long especially he had half a year overseas, meet once or twice a week.. A good boyfriend doesn't mean a good family man.. Hope she can think base on character and how the guy treat her, where she placed in his heart and not base on feeling that accumulated with time.. Everything will have feeling after a certain time... I served army for 2 years, I also had feelings for it but does that mean I don't want to leave? I would rather leave as fast as I could...
I glad that she realise why people say it is very "sian" when their relationship break and everything have to rebuild again BUT she say that doesn't mean she will not do it.. I will rebuild everything with her... If her current building is 10 storey, I will rebuild a 50 storey with her.. Since she know that I might not accept her again if she breakup with him in future, why can't she just treasure the chance she had now? I can say her trust and confidence in her current relationship is not that high. Why can't she just be hard hearted for once? Can she just think of the happy moments that we will have when we are together? Her family might have good opinion of him because they didn't have a full picture.. How long can she hide from them? Do she want to everytime hide inside the toilet and cry and cannot make any sounds? If her mum is like her boss and also like korean drama, I think she will be very happy that her daughter had know such a "good" guy that appear in korean drama, 细心，体贴，守候，保护，关怀，牺牲, etc..
From tomorrow onwards, it will be the final preparation week for the shutdown. It will be a little busy.. Will she ask me how is my work going on or offer her help? My luck with her seem not that good.. whenever I wanted to ask her out, she is always been "booked". She is really busy.... I want to ask her out for dinner, after that go for a walk and chat.. but the work schedule is quite packed till shutdown.. but that doesn't mean she had leave my mind, even for a second..
Tendering or leaving this site is a small issue as we still can be contactable.. But what if something more serious happen, only then she will really regret? Life is fragile, nobody knows what will happen the next moment... Why I didn't meet her 2.5 years ago? Can I turn back time? Is the only way that they will breakup is when he made a mistake again? Then I rather be selfish and pray that he will make mistake soon. Not to say I think negatively, but there is a possibility that if I were him, even I made a mistake again, I might not tell her.. How can she find out if I didn't tell the truth? especially I know that she had another guy in her heart.. I can just say nothing had happened... I don't expect her to think straightaway as the crossing over issue suddenly come in and I know she is quite troubled by it. But don't let the work issue mix up with her personnal as this work issue might last for months..
I think he will not give up anything for her sake, especially his interest. He will just put it off for the moment.. This also mean he will not give up the entire forest for a tree.. But if I meet the tree, I don't mind giving up the forest willingly... It might be a release for him if they were to breakup.. He will be able to go back to his favorite clubbing with his friends without any constraint.. since in his heart, he can't give up... Why she want to "force" him to do something unwillingly? Will there be happiness? How long can she control him? When both together, isn't to "click" with each other is important? If he like clubbing and she don't like, why still have to insist to be together? Is only a 2.5 years relationship.. I can't say it is short but it is not long either... As what the kid had said, if a couple meet everyday for 5 years, then it is long but if they only meet once or twice a week for 5 years, it is less than a couple with 2 years relationship... so I can say his 2.5 years is not exactly very long especially he had half a year overseas, meet once or twice a week.. A good boyfriend doesn't mean a good family man.. Hope she can think base on character and how the guy treat her, where she placed in his heart and not base on feeling that accumulated with time.. Everything will have feeling after a certain time... I served army for 2 years, I also had feelings for it but does that mean I don't want to leave? I would rather leave as fast as I could...
I glad that she realise why people say it is very "sian" when their relationship break and everything have to rebuild again BUT she say that doesn't mean she will not do it.. I will rebuild everything with her... If her current building is 10 storey, I will rebuild a 50 storey with her.. Since she know that I might not accept her again if she breakup with him in future, why can't she just treasure the chance she had now? I can say her trust and confidence in her current relationship is not that high. Why can't she just be hard hearted for once? Can she just think of the happy moments that we will have when we are together? Her family might have good opinion of him because they didn't have a full picture.. How long can she hide from them? Do she want to everytime hide inside the toilet and cry and cannot make any sounds? If her mum is like her boss and also like korean drama, I think she will be very happy that her daughter had know such a "good" guy that appear in korean drama, 细心，体贴，守候，保护，关怀，牺牲, etc..
From tomorrow onwards, it will be the final preparation week for the shutdown. It will be a little busy.. Will she ask me how is my work going on or offer her help? My luck with her seem not that good.. whenever I wanted to ask her out, she is always been "booked". She is really busy.... I want to ask her out for dinner, after that go for a walk and chat.. but the work schedule is quite packed till shutdown.. but that doesn't mean she had leave my mind, even for a second..
Sunday, September 20, 2009
6 days...
Now is 17 september, 11.28pm. Just as I started to write my first word after a long consideration, I received her sms. It may seem fake, but I also find it so coincidence. Is this call fate, affinity? When will I upload this post, I also can't confirm.
Since her sms on monday night asking me not to "push" her for an answer before shutdown, I told her I will never ask her for an answer even after shutdown. At that moment, she told me she still can't decide. If that really the reason, up to now, I still believe even after shutdown, she also can't have an answer. How long she need? She had been thinking from end august...
Saw the tv program 芳心有李 earlier on. Who say working in the same place can't be together? Isn't fann and chris getting married? I believe if 2 person truly love each other, nothing is impossible. Isn't 细心, 体贴, 关心, 孝顺 are what a girl usually want from a guy? Doesn't girl want a better and more suitable guy in terms of character, interest, etc. for her? But if I possess all these, why can't I just be together with her when we both had feelings for each other? Just because of the love she had for him despite of his disappointing reaction and character. Is love really that great? Can people survive on love only without food?
From tuesday till now, I had not switch on my laptop, no msn and even off the office bchat. Maybe I really want to stop all communication with her, even talking also to minimum. Can this period of time make us really realise where does we stand in each other heart? Or I had think too much again? These few days to her are just like normal days? No matter how 难受 and舍不得, I decided to keep it inside my heart. I can feel stress is piling up but I not going to tell her. Shutdown preparation has a number of hiccups along the way but manage to solve it so far. Maybe this is the last time I doing or because of her, I wanted this shutdown report to be one of the best in the asia pacific sites. Why I say because of her? Cause I want her to feel proud of me and acknowledge my achievement. But will there be a chance of that? Can she always stay by side and share all my happiness and achievement one after another? My vendor had been saying how capable I am, but how capable can I be when I am just a lonely person that fail to win her heart.
I had been asking myself what should I do these few days. In the end, I still don't know what to do. I know I miss her very much. But what can I do? I also unbear to leave this site. The happy ending I hope for will be we can be together and continue to work in this site at least till end of this year. This might seem sad for her as it will mean breakup with him. But she will have a "better" guy with her. Even if I don't exist, will their relationship meant to last? Am I spoiling a relationship by been a third party or am I just bringing forward an incident that will happen in the future?
I start to feel I am walking the same path as my site manager. Our way of working and career "attitude" seem to be the same. And I can seen our interaction had a sudden improvement since she arrived these few months. Our topic seem to be getting wider. That should be a good sign but it also mean there is another consideration when leaving the site.
18 September
A bad day but not for me. What me and my site manager discussed earlier on become a fact today. A secret between us become an open secret. She had asked if I am interested to cross over and can helped me talked to her boss. I told her if I cross over, I will follow her only and not other managers. The other she told me she will most probably not going back to her previous company. This taking over will most probably be effective from next January. Maybe this will be an ending for us and our "relationship" will drift apart. Isn't that a good sign? No need to bother about decision anymore.
Had lunch with her today. Somehow I can feel we are quite happy during that time, chatting, eating, walking. We also seem to walk quite close together. We can be like this everyday but is up to her to decide. Does she also feel so happy when with him? Does he also have so much same interest as her? I guess that this time round, time is getting shorter, either I tender or they crossing over come first. Will she treasure the time and quickly decide? I really don't wish to lose her but I know I can't be so 执着. I need to learn how to 拿得起, 放得下. When is not meant for me, no point forcing. There will be no happiness and only result in more misery. The reason why I don't want to update my blog is I still can't accept that till date, she still can't decide. I know the moment I see her, no matter how hard hearted I am, my heart will melt.
I notice what her mum likes through her. If we are together, I not only be attentive to her but also to her parents. But things just like to happen different from what I think. I think is time to slowly give up. I don't want to sink any deeper. Lesser interaction with her might help in giving up.
19 September
1 week to shutdown. It may seem long but I know it will come soon. I don't think after shutdown she will got answer and I don't bother to ask also. Somehow I feel her can't decide answer is just an "excuse" to cover her answer. Now she is happily with him and I am alone. Doesn't that tell her answer? Whole day today, I try very hard not to talk to her and somehow I succeed. I think she can also sensed I am ignoring her. Why bother to sms me and say "I am sorry I am unable to watch the dance performance with you" when both of us already knew it. Trying to sprinkle salt on my wound? Or telling me he is the guy she prefer? Always telling me how good I treat and care for her, even better from him, and yet in the end, because she like him more, she had stay with him. Since she want to choose the guy that his character she don't like, his clubbing interest she don't like, his disappointed answer and reaction she don't like, hurt her before, what else can I say? I already say if she can't leave him because of love now, no matter how many mistakes he made in future, she will also can't leave him, even how determine and confirm she can say now. I am very sad that we can't be together but life still had to go on...
Time is running out since the team taking over news is released. I not trying to pressure her but it might be too late before she finally realise. If she really had feelings for me, can she just forsake him and I will slowly filled her heart with feelings for me. Can we just let the plant grow before the time run out? Things are not going as what they seem to be. There are too many hidden "secrets" which I can't reveal. I wonder what make her so hard to decide? Just because of feelings only? Now she say is hard to explain to her parents if breakup. When this drag on and she bring him to meet her relatives, she will tell me is hard to explain to so many people... Same like the 2.5 years relationship. When time goes by, will the 2.5 become back to 2 or 1?
I guess she will feel sad and missed him for a while only if she breakup with him. But she definitely will not regret. What does this tell? A human is made of feelings, whether is there love involved is not important. When something been together for years, suddenly gone apart, there is always sadness. Why no regret? Because in one heart, she already know there is a better future waiting for her. Just like going to school and graduate. Will one regret after graduate? No... just sad that it had finished.
But as usual, she will still have her own "reasons" which seem unacceptable to me. I really can't understand her. I thought tonight I can talk with her online after a week of less interaction. But same, she still want to stay at his house. I don't understand why. Her bed every Saturday can't be slept? If my girlfriend tell me she got intention to break and there is another guy that seem to be better than me and she also got feeling for him, my relationship with her somehow will be affected and less contact with her and not to mention every Saturday let her stay at my house. So what is his intention? Already know his girlfriend had feeling for another guy and yet still can go on with her like normal... I really can't find a reason beside buying time for a better one to come. She think she really can make him tell the truth, she had over estimate herself or under estimate a guy lying power. The world is not as simple as what she think, especially for those that frequent clubbing, pubbing. Anyway it none of my concern.. She choose the path she want to walk. I also had decide what to do even though is unbearing...
20 September
This whole week I been "forcing" myself to sleep to escape. Don't want to face anything especially my laptop. Work and sleep my daily cycle. I feel like withdrawing. Can I don't suppress anything? If anyone not happy with her on work matters, can I not do anything as that doesn't concern me, unless it is the site manager that ask me to do. Without any special reasons, can I don't lunch with her? Will there still be happy lunch with her?
I thought she will reply to my blog or write an email to tell me something in this 1 week but in the end, nothing. She can still happily go past everyday, maybe he is back. Up till now, she can tell me how better and good I am from him, and she will like me more than him if we are together. Doesn't that seem easy to decide? But no, almost 1 month and still can't decide. What is the reason then? I think without a face to face talk, nothing can be solved. But I also scare. She can sound she is ready to break at that moment and the next day, she can take it as nothing happen and continue with him.
She had not told her mum anything as I had expected even though that Friday she can sound till so determine. I believe she is mature enough to think for her own future, who the best guy for her, not only for the time being but down the road and not just base on current feeling only. Just like switching job, it will be unbearing to leave the current job and switch to a new job. Everything had to restart again, adapt to the new environment and know new colleagues. And worst, that person have to face everything alone. The situation now is the same. If she break, she have to restart everything. But the difference is I will accompany and face everything with her. I will let her know my everything, from my family to my friends. The most important is we will be happy together.
I hate weekends and holidays. Staying inside the house with the quarrels made me stress. The only way to vent it out I think is through blogging. Why my family is so "special"? My own problem already stress and instead of providing advice to me, they keep adding more stress to me. How good if we are together. I will ask her out or go to her house and help her to do household chores or watch drama. Then I no need to face the quarrel. Should I accept my friend invitation to go drinking tonight? At least I can stop thinking for that duration.
I curious when she with him, does they have so much common topic or interest to talk? Does he also watch drama? Like what she like to do or just "forcing" himself to do? Understand what she wants? Attentive to her preference? Is she happier with him than with me?
祸不单行, not only mood not good, but also down with cold. If when one sneeze, that mean got someone thinking of him, that will be good, as whole evening I been sneezing. Is she thinking of me? I think 接二连三 is more suitable. Knee suddenly ache again... Maybe I had walked too much today.
Sometime I don't mean for what I said. No matter how I say I want to withdraw, the next moment I know is hard to do that and give up the idea. Can she just listen to his suggestion and be together with me and let the feelings develop? If I can be with her, I will not leave her or do anything that break her heart but I afraid is the other way round, she will leave me which I will try my best not to let that happen... I like her is for what she is and not her appearance, no matter what her previous relationship can't accept, seriously I will not mind as I am not that superficial. She will always have the priority in my heart.
If he truly love her, I don't mind giving up and can he stop giving her disappointment. If he doesn't, can he just tell her truthfully and breakup with her. Don't keep this dragging on...
有时牺牲了一切，到头来还是一无所有，回想起来真笨，不知道为了什么
Quarrel again... What shall I do? 6 days never upload anything. Did she check my blog daily? Did she got a bit of something amiss feeling? Did she miss me? I don't know what I did for the past 1 week is right or wrong. I only know 我很想她，很舍不得她. If I don't upload this, I will regret if she misunderstood anything. Can she tell me what I had misunderstood about her?
Since her sms on monday night asking me not to "push" her for an answer before shutdown, I told her I will never ask her for an answer even after shutdown. At that moment, she told me she still can't decide. If that really the reason, up to now, I still believe even after shutdown, she also can't have an answer. How long she need? She had been thinking from end august...
Saw the tv program 芳心有李 earlier on. Who say working in the same place can't be together? Isn't fann and chris getting married? I believe if 2 person truly love each other, nothing is impossible. Isn't 细心, 体贴, 关心, 孝顺 are what a girl usually want from a guy? Doesn't girl want a better and more suitable guy in terms of character, interest, etc. for her? But if I possess all these, why can't I just be together with her when we both had feelings for each other? Just because of the love she had for him despite of his disappointing reaction and character. Is love really that great? Can people survive on love only without food?
From tuesday till now, I had not switch on my laptop, no msn and even off the office bchat. Maybe I really want to stop all communication with her, even talking also to minimum. Can this period of time make us really realise where does we stand in each other heart? Or I had think too much again? These few days to her are just like normal days? No matter how 难受 and舍不得, I decided to keep it inside my heart. I can feel stress is piling up but I not going to tell her. Shutdown preparation has a number of hiccups along the way but manage to solve it so far. Maybe this is the last time I doing or because of her, I wanted this shutdown report to be one of the best in the asia pacific sites. Why I say because of her? Cause I want her to feel proud of me and acknowledge my achievement. But will there be a chance of that? Can she always stay by side and share all my happiness and achievement one after another? My vendor had been saying how capable I am, but how capable can I be when I am just a lonely person that fail to win her heart.
I had been asking myself what should I do these few days. In the end, I still don't know what to do. I know I miss her very much. But what can I do? I also unbear to leave this site. The happy ending I hope for will be we can be together and continue to work in this site at least till end of this year. This might seem sad for her as it will mean breakup with him. But she will have a "better" guy with her. Even if I don't exist, will their relationship meant to last? Am I spoiling a relationship by been a third party or am I just bringing forward an incident that will happen in the future?
I start to feel I am walking the same path as my site manager. Our way of working and career "attitude" seem to be the same. And I can seen our interaction had a sudden improvement since she arrived these few months. Our topic seem to be getting wider. That should be a good sign but it also mean there is another consideration when leaving the site.
18 September
A bad day but not for me. What me and my site manager discussed earlier on become a fact today. A secret between us become an open secret. She had asked if I am interested to cross over and can helped me talked to her boss. I told her if I cross over, I will follow her only and not other managers. The other she told me she will most probably not going back to her previous company. This taking over will most probably be effective from next January. Maybe this will be an ending for us and our "relationship" will drift apart. Isn't that a good sign? No need to bother about decision anymore.
Had lunch with her today. Somehow I can feel we are quite happy during that time, chatting, eating, walking. We also seem to walk quite close together. We can be like this everyday but is up to her to decide. Does she also feel so happy when with him? Does he also have so much same interest as her? I guess that this time round, time is getting shorter, either I tender or they crossing over come first. Will she treasure the time and quickly decide? I really don't wish to lose her but I know I can't be so 执着. I need to learn how to 拿得起, 放得下. When is not meant for me, no point forcing. There will be no happiness and only result in more misery. The reason why I don't want to update my blog is I still can't accept that till date, she still can't decide. I know the moment I see her, no matter how hard hearted I am, my heart will melt.
I notice what her mum likes through her. If we are together, I not only be attentive to her but also to her parents. But things just like to happen different from what I think. I think is time to slowly give up. I don't want to sink any deeper. Lesser interaction with her might help in giving up.
19 September
1 week to shutdown. It may seem long but I know it will come soon. I don't think after shutdown she will got answer and I don't bother to ask also. Somehow I feel her can't decide answer is just an "excuse" to cover her answer. Now she is happily with him and I am alone. Doesn't that tell her answer? Whole day today, I try very hard not to talk to her and somehow I succeed. I think she can also sensed I am ignoring her. Why bother to sms me and say "I am sorry I am unable to watch the dance performance with you" when both of us already knew it. Trying to sprinkle salt on my wound? Or telling me he is the guy she prefer? Always telling me how good I treat and care for her, even better from him, and yet in the end, because she like him more, she had stay with him. Since she want to choose the guy that his character she don't like, his clubbing interest she don't like, his disappointed answer and reaction she don't like, hurt her before, what else can I say? I already say if she can't leave him because of love now, no matter how many mistakes he made in future, she will also can't leave him, even how determine and confirm she can say now. I am very sad that we can't be together but life still had to go on...
Time is running out since the team taking over news is released. I not trying to pressure her but it might be too late before she finally realise. If she really had feelings for me, can she just forsake him and I will slowly filled her heart with feelings for me. Can we just let the plant grow before the time run out? Things are not going as what they seem to be. There are too many hidden "secrets" which I can't reveal. I wonder what make her so hard to decide? Just because of feelings only? Now she say is hard to explain to her parents if breakup. When this drag on and she bring him to meet her relatives, she will tell me is hard to explain to so many people... Same like the 2.5 years relationship. When time goes by, will the 2.5 become back to 2 or 1?
I guess she will feel sad and missed him for a while only if she breakup with him. But she definitely will not regret. What does this tell? A human is made of feelings, whether is there love involved is not important. When something been together for years, suddenly gone apart, there is always sadness. Why no regret? Because in one heart, she already know there is a better future waiting for her. Just like going to school and graduate. Will one regret after graduate? No... just sad that it had finished.
But as usual, she will still have her own "reasons" which seem unacceptable to me. I really can't understand her. I thought tonight I can talk with her online after a week of less interaction. But same, she still want to stay at his house. I don't understand why. Her bed every Saturday can't be slept? If my girlfriend tell me she got intention to break and there is another guy that seem to be better than me and she also got feeling for him, my relationship with her somehow will be affected and less contact with her and not to mention every Saturday let her stay at my house. So what is his intention? Already know his girlfriend had feeling for another guy and yet still can go on with her like normal... I really can't find a reason beside buying time for a better one to come. She think she really can make him tell the truth, she had over estimate herself or under estimate a guy lying power. The world is not as simple as what she think, especially for those that frequent clubbing, pubbing. Anyway it none of my concern.. She choose the path she want to walk. I also had decide what to do even though is unbearing...
20 September
This whole week I been "forcing" myself to sleep to escape. Don't want to face anything especially my laptop. Work and sleep my daily cycle. I feel like withdrawing. Can I don't suppress anything? If anyone not happy with her on work matters, can I not do anything as that doesn't concern me, unless it is the site manager that ask me to do. Without any special reasons, can I don't lunch with her? Will there still be happy lunch with her?
I thought she will reply to my blog or write an email to tell me something in this 1 week but in the end, nothing. She can still happily go past everyday, maybe he is back. Up till now, she can tell me how better and good I am from him, and she will like me more than him if we are together. Doesn't that seem easy to decide? But no, almost 1 month and still can't decide. What is the reason then? I think without a face to face talk, nothing can be solved. But I also scare. She can sound she is ready to break at that moment and the next day, she can take it as nothing happen and continue with him.
She had not told her mum anything as I had expected even though that Friday she can sound till so determine. I believe she is mature enough to think for her own future, who the best guy for her, not only for the time being but down the road and not just base on current feeling only. Just like switching job, it will be unbearing to leave the current job and switch to a new job. Everything had to restart again, adapt to the new environment and know new colleagues. And worst, that person have to face everything alone. The situation now is the same. If she break, she have to restart everything. But the difference is I will accompany and face everything with her. I will let her know my everything, from my family to my friends. The most important is we will be happy together.
I hate weekends and holidays. Staying inside the house with the quarrels made me stress. The only way to vent it out I think is through blogging. Why my family is so "special"? My own problem already stress and instead of providing advice to me, they keep adding more stress to me. How good if we are together. I will ask her out or go to her house and help her to do household chores or watch drama. Then I no need to face the quarrel. Should I accept my friend invitation to go drinking tonight? At least I can stop thinking for that duration.
I curious when she with him, does they have so much common topic or interest to talk? Does he also watch drama? Like what she like to do or just "forcing" himself to do? Understand what she wants? Attentive to her preference? Is she happier with him than with me?
祸不单行, not only mood not good, but also down with cold. If when one sneeze, that mean got someone thinking of him, that will be good, as whole evening I been sneezing. Is she thinking of me? I think 接二连三 is more suitable. Knee suddenly ache again... Maybe I had walked too much today.
Sometime I don't mean for what I said. No matter how I say I want to withdraw, the next moment I know is hard to do that and give up the idea. Can she just listen to his suggestion and be together with me and let the feelings develop? If I can be with her, I will not leave her or do anything that break her heart but I afraid is the other way round, she will leave me which I will try my best not to let that happen... I like her is for what she is and not her appearance, no matter what her previous relationship can't accept, seriously I will not mind as I am not that superficial. She will always have the priority in my heart.
If he truly love her, I don't mind giving up and can he stop giving her disappointment. If he doesn't, can he just tell her truthfully and breakup with her. Don't keep this dragging on...
有时牺牲了一切，到头来还是一无所有，回想起来真笨，不知道为了什么
Quarrel again... What shall I do? 6 days never upload anything. Did she check my blog daily? Did she got a bit of something amiss feeling? Did she miss me? I don't know what I did for the past 1 week is right or wrong. I only know 我很想她，很舍不得她. If I don't upload this, I will regret if she misunderstood anything. Can she tell me what I had misunderstood about her?
Monday, September 14, 2009
14th September
1.20am, I still tossing in bed since my last sms to her. Maybe I am not tired today, that why I can't get to sleep. I wonder how she can don't bother anything and just go to sleep. Wouldn't she feel uneasy? Me will be unable to do that. I wanted to sms but don't want to disturb her, so I choose to blog instead. Am I pressuring her too much? I think she will not sms or chat with me unless there is a special reason. Is this her character or just to me only? But I think if it is him that didn't contact her the whole day, her reaction will be different. I think I shouldn't pin too much hope on the coming saturday or should be no hope at all. The one to accompany her will not be me. Hearing "I like you" is happy but I still believe it is not just a simple 3 words, action tells a thousand words.
My own team manager that I had worked under for so long didn't even say the word "trust" to me, yet my site manager this morning tell me over last weekend she didn't bother to come back because she trust me can handle all the works. Will there still any "prospect" working under my own team?
Had lunch with her but somehow I feel there is a "barrier", maybe is due to the unknown decision. I guess even I ask her for decision, she will not answer... Does she know if she don't say, I will take her no reply as a reply and I will just do what I want. By then, she can drag as long as she want, nobody will be "forcing" her for an answer. The more she don't tell me anything, the more I might misunderstood her further...
To me, it seem like I put in lot of effort but I can't get what I want. On the other hand, he don't need to put in much effort but he can be with her for granted. Why can't she just let the guy that treasure her more to be together with her?
My cunning boss "tekan" me again. Last minute come out with changes for shutdown that is never perform before and needed to be ready by tomorrow. Upon receiving this email, another site engineer immediately call me and ask if I need help. But I don't think he can help much also. By chatting with her, my mood is better and nothing seem to be hard, completing on time shouldn't be a problem. I think nothing can beat waiting for her answer in terms of hardness.
The drama I watching seem to "enlighten" me something. When I clench my 2 hands, what I get is only 2 fists. When I release, I might have the world. Why should I be so stubborn and always "digging" the insoluble problem. When picking up something, I must also know how to put down. If insisting something will be unhappy, why should I continue to insist it? Maybe human only learn to treasure after they lost it. Why can't they just treasure it in the first place as not everytime lost things can be recover and no use regretting by then... What I think doesn't mean it is the fact such as he might not be that bad, and I might not be that good, been with him doesn't mean she will not get happiness from him... What doesn't belong to me, maybe I shouldn't force it...
My own team manager that I had worked under for so long didn't even say the word "trust" to me, yet my site manager this morning tell me over last weekend she didn't bother to come back because she trust me can handle all the works. Will there still any "prospect" working under my own team?
Had lunch with her but somehow I feel there is a "barrier", maybe is due to the unknown decision. I guess even I ask her for decision, she will not answer... Does she know if she don't say, I will take her no reply as a reply and I will just do what I want. By then, she can drag as long as she want, nobody will be "forcing" her for an answer. The more she don't tell me anything, the more I might misunderstood her further...
To me, it seem like I put in lot of effort but I can't get what I want. On the other hand, he don't need to put in much effort but he can be with her for granted. Why can't she just let the guy that treasure her more to be together with her?
My cunning boss "tekan" me again. Last minute come out with changes for shutdown that is never perform before and needed to be ready by tomorrow. Upon receiving this email, another site engineer immediately call me and ask if I need help. But I don't think he can help much also. By chatting with her, my mood is better and nothing seem to be hard, completing on time shouldn't be a problem. I think nothing can beat waiting for her answer in terms of hardness.
The drama I watching seem to "enlighten" me something. When I clench my 2 hands, what I get is only 2 fists. When I release, I might have the world. Why should I be so stubborn and always "digging" the insoluble problem. When picking up something, I must also know how to put down. If insisting something will be unhappy, why should I continue to insist it? Maybe human only learn to treasure after they lost it. Why can't they just treasure it in the first place as not everytime lost things can be recover and no use regretting by then... What I think doesn't mean it is the fact such as he might not be that bad, and I might not be that good, been with him doesn't mean she will not get happiness from him... What doesn't belong to me, maybe I shouldn't force it...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
13th September
I think the best time to think is during the morning when just wake up, the mind is clear, surrounding is quiet and not in a hurry to do anything, just like this morning, a Sunday morning. I was lazing around in bed since there are no plans for later on... Yesterday never heard anything from her for the whole day, start to feel worry for her. Luckily, she sms me that she got a very bad cramp only and I feel relieved as I know nothing serious happened to her.. I wonder had she told everything to her mum yet? She said it can't be compared for a 2.5 years relationship and I think is right. But after thinking, I am confident to say my feelings for her will be more than what he have for her even though me with her is only a few months. At least, I will not hurt her as much as he do.. Does he understand her as much as I do? I guess she stand a more important place in my heart than what I had thought.. without seeing her since end of Friday, I begin to miss her, always thinking what she is doing...
Decided to find something to do later on and that is making pudding.. If got chance, I will make for her to try... don't know if she will like it....
Yesterday, I let my shift engineer know the client arrangement for this coming shutdown. He also ask why the client had this kind of arrangement and think it is totally unfair to me... If an "outsider" also say this, I think the arrangement is obviously unreasonable...
If I like something, I will not give up easily. But sometime, I still need to face reality.. It seem to tell me no matter how disappointing his reaction to her are, she will only dishearten a bit but after that, she will be back to normal, able to accept the disappointment and not decreasing her like for him.. Should I don't bother too much and start my countdown timer?
Decided to find something to do later on and that is making pudding.. If got chance, I will make for her to try... don't know if she will like it....
Yesterday, I let my shift engineer know the client arrangement for this coming shutdown. He also ask why the client had this kind of arrangement and think it is totally unfair to me... If an "outsider" also say this, I think the arrangement is obviously unreasonable...
If I like something, I will not give up easily. But sometime, I still need to face reality.. It seem to tell me no matter how disappointing his reaction to her are, she will only dishearten a bit but after that, she will be back to normal, able to accept the disappointment and not decreasing her like for him.. Should I don't bother too much and start my countdown timer?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
12th September
You had brighten up my mood last night. But too bad, you still don't have any decision.. A good boyfriend doesn't mean a good husband. Is his character that you want? He might say things in a reverse way but how you know that not what he want? You may have like him a lot but can that let you accept all his disappointment, clubbing and his "playful" character? Guys that care a lot about face sometime will not initiate breakup even when he wants to.. When the girl initiate, he will accept, so this will be seem like the girl is the "bad" person while the guy is "innocent". Hope he don't belong to this cateory...
Is true that a 2.5 years relationship can't be compared. But do you know if this drag on, you will told me 2.6, 2.7 or even 3 years relationship. Maybe if we don't be together, the feelings for him in your heart will never be replaced. With every more "incidents" you both went through together, it will increase the feeling you had for him. How will I be able to overtake him in your heart then? What he say is true, feelings can be develop as time goes by. I think feeling is hard to go off by itself unless been replaced, don't you agree? If he commit wrong again, you say you definitely will leave him but the love for him can also gone overnight? It can't be... If you really can leave him if that happen, why can't you do it now? Isn't that contradicting? Why you want to let yourself hurt again before deciding?
You say you will tell your mum everything including the wrong he made. I agreed you should do that but I think your mom answer will most probably same as what I guess. The choice is up to you. She can only advise but can't decide. Even if you ask thousands of people, the final decision is still with you and you will be more confused as there will be different advices.
Everything I went through with you will be in my memory. I remember 13th june is our first "outing". We went to IT show but in the end, we had a chat at Marina Square Macdonald. 19th june is the most memorable. We had steamboat, walk around Bugis and end up at Singapore River. I noticed you seem troubled but I don't think is convenient for me to ask why at that moment, so I just accompany you silently till you decided to go home. Later I then realised is because of him. That night I am quite happy, maybe is because I already start to have feeling for you. You don't remember the date, I will not blame you as I know you are "absent minded". :) I will stay by your side and constantly remind you of any reminder if we are together...
A sentence "I like you" from you make me feel energised. No matter how busy I am today, I still think is ok. I can't imagine if you told me directly, I think I will be over the moon. Will I be able to hear it?
You had ask me if I am enduring my work. I can't say is enduring as I don't mind doing anything, even saturday work till late. I just hope once in a while, you can drop me a message, accompany me at the end of the day. This will already make me happy. I want you to feel proud of my career, ability one day and introduce me to your parents or relatives. Again, this is my thinking only...
No matter how long I want to wait, my tiredness seem to have taken over my patience...You already know how important you are to me, how will I treat you, how much I treasure you, how much my attention to you and last but not least, my care and concern for you. You will always be my priority if I am to choose between you and my friends. I believe you also think that if we were together, your feeling for me will be more than what you have for him now. I really hope you can tell me what I want to hear soon before I proceed with my "plan".
Is true that a 2.5 years relationship can't be compared. But do you know if this drag on, you will told me 2.6, 2.7 or even 3 years relationship. Maybe if we don't be together, the feelings for him in your heart will never be replaced. With every more "incidents" you both went through together, it will increase the feeling you had for him. How will I be able to overtake him in your heart then? What he say is true, feelings can be develop as time goes by. I think feeling is hard to go off by itself unless been replaced, don't you agree? If he commit wrong again, you say you definitely will leave him but the love for him can also gone overnight? It can't be... If you really can leave him if that happen, why can't you do it now? Isn't that contradicting? Why you want to let yourself hurt again before deciding?
You say you will tell your mum everything including the wrong he made. I agreed you should do that but I think your mom answer will most probably same as what I guess. The choice is up to you. She can only advise but can't decide. Even if you ask thousands of people, the final decision is still with you and you will be more confused as there will be different advices.
Everything I went through with you will be in my memory. I remember 13th june is our first "outing". We went to IT show but in the end, we had a chat at Marina Square Macdonald. 19th june is the most memorable. We had steamboat, walk around Bugis and end up at Singapore River. I noticed you seem troubled but I don't think is convenient for me to ask why at that moment, so I just accompany you silently till you decided to go home. Later I then realised is because of him. That night I am quite happy, maybe is because I already start to have feeling for you. You don't remember the date, I will not blame you as I know you are "absent minded". :) I will stay by your side and constantly remind you of any reminder if we are together...
A sentence "I like you" from you make me feel energised. No matter how busy I am today, I still think is ok. I can't imagine if you told me directly, I think I will be over the moon. Will I be able to hear it?
You had ask me if I am enduring my work. I can't say is enduring as I don't mind doing anything, even saturday work till late. I just hope once in a while, you can drop me a message, accompany me at the end of the day. This will already make me happy. I want you to feel proud of my career, ability one day and introduce me to your parents or relatives. Again, this is my thinking only...
No matter how long I want to wait, my tiredness seem to have taken over my patience...You already know how important you are to me, how will I treat you, how much I treasure you, how much my attention to you and last but not least, my care and concern for you. You will always be my priority if I am to choose between you and my friends. I believe you also think that if we were together, your feeling for me will be more than what you have for him now. I really hope you can tell me what I want to hear soon before I proceed with my "plan".
Friday, September 11, 2009
11th September
Today is the 3rd year of my stay in this job but I don't feel the least happy... The down feeling just find it way to me. I don't feel like blogging tonight but you want me to share with you why I am moody and what had happened. In the end, I can't resist your "request" and write a long blog... Your concern to me today is more than just friends, I don't know if you feel the same? When I am unhappy, you will be unhappy also and vice versa, I will not be happy when you are not.
You give me a feeling that you are escaping rather than thinking. If I bring up the "decision" topic, you will choose not to answer and escape... If I don't bring up, we can talk freely and happily, but I will feel it is unfair to me, as end of the day, he is still the one that got the status recognition. You told me I can ask you if I have doubt but I afraid it will become like "forcing" you and end up in you making a hasty decision.
Why I say decision doesn't lie with you? You told me you want to breakup with him and bring him to the bank to close your shared account but when he refused, you will accept his refusal... No matter how determine you are, when he say he don't want to break, you will not break... even he still give you disappointment... This weekend he will be overseas and I guess you will not have any decision.. If he go for half a year, sad to say during this period, you also can't have any decision.. the reason is he didn't state he want to break a not... To wait for your decision, I would rather say is waiting for his decision... Please tell me what I assume is wrong...
My guess: Luckily he is overseas for this weekend, so next week you still can go for the dance performance with him... Oct 8 is your graduation if I not wrong and he will probably be there and your parents to celebrate with you and take graduation photo with you.. This will add to the good that you will remember of him... I can "seen" you are putting in effort to "drift" apart from him. The E63 you holding belong to him right? Why you want to buy a handphone now is because you don't want to hold on to something that belong to him, so next time breakup (if there is), you will not feel you had own him so much...
I don't know how is you and him now.. still contacting or "giving each other a break" period? First, you told me he refused to close shared account and breakup, then later, you told me he accepted breakup when you told him you want to be with me... so I don't know which is which... But I can tell you, the more you 2 are together, the more you can't decide... Is the same as when you want to buy a bag but you told yourself you don't want to buy and every now and then, you still go and look at the bag.... how to decide? I wondering how long you need to make your decision.. maybe my tiredness is unable to wait for your answer... the reason I can think of is, the things happened between you and him is too much and he had treated you really well before my existence, that why you need to consider for so long...
Why I am moody today? First is your last night reply. I guess after you seen my last night blog, you scared I will "forced" or "questioned" you again, that why you choose to sleep and don't want to think too much... I am disappointed but I don't want to force you... This morning, I don't know what to say to you, that why I just stay low.. Then the "client" send an email stating the job scope of each individual for this coming shutdown.. I should be happy that my job scope is one of the least important but I know all the credit will go to his 2 favorite generals as they are holding all the important scopes.. This will also mean all the effort I put in will become theirs... Family problem is always there and often I am been dragged in, so coincidence it happen at the same time.... When I asked you not to come in tomorrow for that minor work and I said you can use your time better and your reply is he is overseas for the weekend, a negative feeling come to me, telling me that if he is around, you will still go out with him despite the breakup you mentioned.. I know I might have think too much but can't help feeling sad.. During late morning, I found out instead of getting me in the loop for tomorrow testing works in the initial stage, he had get his 3 favorite generals to involve and today none of them show up and I had to clear the preparation for them and liaise with landlord when I know nothing at all... I wanted to share these "happenings" with you but I don't want to bother you with my stuff, so I just remain silent... Maybe I had unintentionally said or do something that upset you... I am sorry about that... Hope you don't mind...
End of the day, I am getting tired... Family, work and you, all don't seem to be smooth to me... How I wish you can stay by my side and after work, we can go for dinner and you cheer me up, celebrate my 3rd year stay and let me forget what had happened... My mood will be better as I know no matter what happened, you will be beside me... but this is just my (wishful) thinking only... You don't need to pay much attention to it...
I suggested you no need to come in tomorrow even he is overseas.. You can just spend your time with your parents, be a filial child and help out in the household chores or bring them out for dinner or you can do your ironing... What for you waste your time coming back when I can just covered for you... when I still around...
After the breakup you mentioned on Tuesday night, I got a feeling that there is someone that I need to care for... In order to care for her, I need to take care of myself first... I start to take cough medicine, not to over stress my knee, cut down my drinking, etc... But yesterday, my sixth sense somehow tell me I am deceiving myself again..
Don't you think up to certain extend, you are like 常在心? :)
You give me a feeling that you are escaping rather than thinking. If I bring up the "decision" topic, you will choose not to answer and escape... If I don't bring up, we can talk freely and happily, but I will feel it is unfair to me, as end of the day, he is still the one that got the status recognition. You told me I can ask you if I have doubt but I afraid it will become like "forcing" you and end up in you making a hasty decision.
Why I say decision doesn't lie with you? You told me you want to breakup with him and bring him to the bank to close your shared account but when he refused, you will accept his refusal... No matter how determine you are, when he say he don't want to break, you will not break... even he still give you disappointment... This weekend he will be overseas and I guess you will not have any decision.. If he go for half a year, sad to say during this period, you also can't have any decision.. the reason is he didn't state he want to break a not... To wait for your decision, I would rather say is waiting for his decision... Please tell me what I assume is wrong...
My guess: Luckily he is overseas for this weekend, so next week you still can go for the dance performance with him... Oct 8 is your graduation if I not wrong and he will probably be there and your parents to celebrate with you and take graduation photo with you.. This will add to the good that you will remember of him... I can "seen" you are putting in effort to "drift" apart from him. The E63 you holding belong to him right? Why you want to buy a handphone now is because you don't want to hold on to something that belong to him, so next time breakup (if there is), you will not feel you had own him so much...
I don't know how is you and him now.. still contacting or "giving each other a break" period? First, you told me he refused to close shared account and breakup, then later, you told me he accepted breakup when you told him you want to be with me... so I don't know which is which... But I can tell you, the more you 2 are together, the more you can't decide... Is the same as when you want to buy a bag but you told yourself you don't want to buy and every now and then, you still go and look at the bag.... how to decide? I wondering how long you need to make your decision.. maybe my tiredness is unable to wait for your answer... the reason I can think of is, the things happened between you and him is too much and he had treated you really well before my existence, that why you need to consider for so long...
Why I am moody today? First is your last night reply. I guess after you seen my last night blog, you scared I will "forced" or "questioned" you again, that why you choose to sleep and don't want to think too much... I am disappointed but I don't want to force you... This morning, I don't know what to say to you, that why I just stay low.. Then the "client" send an email stating the job scope of each individual for this coming shutdown.. I should be happy that my job scope is one of the least important but I know all the credit will go to his 2 favorite generals as they are holding all the important scopes.. This will also mean all the effort I put in will become theirs... Family problem is always there and often I am been dragged in, so coincidence it happen at the same time.... When I asked you not to come in tomorrow for that minor work and I said you can use your time better and your reply is he is overseas for the weekend, a negative feeling come to me, telling me that if he is around, you will still go out with him despite the breakup you mentioned.. I know I might have think too much but can't help feeling sad.. During late morning, I found out instead of getting me in the loop for tomorrow testing works in the initial stage, he had get his 3 favorite generals to involve and today none of them show up and I had to clear the preparation for them and liaise with landlord when I know nothing at all... I wanted to share these "happenings" with you but I don't want to bother you with my stuff, so I just remain silent... Maybe I had unintentionally said or do something that upset you... I am sorry about that... Hope you don't mind...
End of the day, I am getting tired... Family, work and you, all don't seem to be smooth to me... How I wish you can stay by my side and after work, we can go for dinner and you cheer me up, celebrate my 3rd year stay and let me forget what had happened... My mood will be better as I know no matter what happened, you will be beside me... but this is just my (wishful) thinking only... You don't need to pay much attention to it...
I suggested you no need to come in tomorrow even he is overseas.. You can just spend your time with your parents, be a filial child and help out in the household chores or bring them out for dinner or you can do your ironing... What for you waste your time coming back when I can just covered for you... when I still around...
After the breakup you mentioned on Tuesday night, I got a feeling that there is someone that I need to care for... In order to care for her, I need to take care of myself first... I start to take cough medicine, not to over stress my knee, cut down my drinking, etc... But yesterday, my sixth sense somehow tell me I am deceiving myself again..
Don't you think up to certain extend, you are like 常在心? :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
10th September
I am not sure if you still feeling tired. I don't dare to sms you these few days as I afraid it will pressurise you further and making you more tired. Even a good morning or good night sms to you I also need to think for some time. Don't misunderstood that recently, I didn't sms you is I am tired of you. My feelings for you is still the same but I just afraid I might over water the plant again...
When you msn me that night that you initiated a breakup with him and told him the reason is you want to be with me, I was very happy but at the same time, I was surprise. I don't know I have reach so far in your heart. I feel so bad for misunderstood you in the past, sometime even doubting what you said. I am sorry. :(
Restarting and adapting is part of life. When you move house, switch job, parting and knowing new people, etc, all these are restarting. You need to learn to adapt to the new environment. Maybe your previous experience make you don't dare to try again but can't just because of a fall, you don't dare to stand up again or just choose to stay put.
I guess in your heart, you already choose to "restart" but you feeling "pity" because you had put in so much effort in the relationship and you don't bear to see it gone down the drain despite the numerous disappointment he given you. That why you are confused whether to give up and deceive yourself to remember the good of him and not the bad. When it is meant to end, no point holding on...
Don't feel sad because it ended but happy because a new beginning has began. I know no matter what I say now is nothing but empty promise and you still have doubt and afraid we might not turn out well. I don't know what I need to do in order to gain your trust. All I can hope is you can believe me, close your eyes, give me your hand, I will face everything with you. I will definitely treat you better than him. I will try my best not to let you experience sadness or disappointment... at least not from me. :) By now, you should know how I am to you and I don't think I want to repeat saying it anymore. I will be waiting for your answer and I got a feeling it will be coming soon...
I don't know if you feel the same as me... I feel today lunch you are happier than the previous few days.. I saw your laughter and this make me happy also. I wish we can be like this forever.. I thought when I occupied myself with work, I will not think of other things. I realised I am wrong, even when I am busy with the shutdown preparation, I will still think of you, occasionally still turn back to look at you. I think you had occupied an important place in my heart and I really don't wish to lose you, but I know this can't be forced.. I just want to let you know no matter how busy I am, I will not neglect you. I know you are shopping for handphone, I wonder if I have the honor to shop it with you?
When you msn me that night that you initiated a breakup with him and told him the reason is you want to be with me, I was very happy but at the same time, I was surprise. I don't know I have reach so far in your heart. I feel so bad for misunderstood you in the past, sometime even doubting what you said. I am sorry. :(
Restarting and adapting is part of life. When you move house, switch job, parting and knowing new people, etc, all these are restarting. You need to learn to adapt to the new environment. Maybe your previous experience make you don't dare to try again but can't just because of a fall, you don't dare to stand up again or just choose to stay put.
I guess in your heart, you already choose to "restart" but you feeling "pity" because you had put in so much effort in the relationship and you don't bear to see it gone down the drain despite the numerous disappointment he given you. That why you are confused whether to give up and deceive yourself to remember the good of him and not the bad. When it is meant to end, no point holding on...
Don't feel sad because it ended but happy because a new beginning has began. I know no matter what I say now is nothing but empty promise and you still have doubt and afraid we might not turn out well. I don't know what I need to do in order to gain your trust. All I can hope is you can believe me, close your eyes, give me your hand, I will face everything with you. I will definitely treat you better than him. I will try my best not to let you experience sadness or disappointment... at least not from me. :) By now, you should know how I am to you and I don't think I want to repeat saying it anymore. I will be waiting for your answer and I got a feeling it will be coming soon...
I don't know if you feel the same as me... I feel today lunch you are happier than the previous few days.. I saw your laughter and this make me happy also. I wish we can be like this forever.. I thought when I occupied myself with work, I will not think of other things. I realised I am wrong, even when I am busy with the shutdown preparation, I will still think of you, occasionally still turn back to look at you. I think you had occupied an important place in my heart and I really don't wish to lose you, but I know this can't be forced.. I just want to let you know no matter how busy I am, I will not neglect you. I know you are shopping for handphone, I wonder if I have the honor to shop it with you?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
9th September
I don't know when you will see this post... At first, when you start msn me, I feel very sad as you seem determine to reject me and choose him. But when we continue msn, I realise we both actually had feelings for each other but you refuse to admit it. Your trust and feelings had been decreasing for your current relationship but you also refuse to admit it. That why you choose to remember his good and forget his bad. You say you will still think of him when we are together but you forget time will fade his memories away. You are scare that our relationship might not work well, but you never try you never know.. Just like if you don't buy lottery, how can you expect you will get the prize? You are deceiving yourself, as in your heart you know I will be a better boyfriend or even husband as compare to him. You scare people will tease you, but we all are mature working adults, how much can they tease or gossip you? I think you had misunderstood me, I don't mind you keep it a secret of we are together to anyone even when they ask, you can deny also... If you told me not to spread a word out, my mouth will be tight.. We are together is only the 2 of us "business", why should you worry about others?
You always think how bad we will be together, but you don't want to think how good we will be together.. sharing the same interest, chatting the same topic, gossiping entertainment news, watching sports competition, eating all the nice food, exploring all the new places and shopping centres, going for flowers exhibition, catching magic shows, enjoying fireworks, covering for each other work, assisting each other in climbing up the career ladder, etc... You don't like his character but you still want to "force" yourself to accept and thinking there will be miracles that he will change.. If you don't dare to take a step out now, you can stop considering you will dare to take a step out in the future as you sunk deeper when the times goes....
Whether I can really be a good boyfriend or husband, you should already know based on the past 2 months you know me but if you want to confirm, you can asked around such as your boss.. If you want to know will I be affected by temptation and change of heart, you also can ask the guys how devoted I can be... If you want to know how filial I am, I think no one can answer you except my mother... haha... If we were together, I will discuss with you everything and ask for your opinion.. If it is really no good, I will listen to you... I seem to have understand you but I will not take this for granted, I will continue to pay attention to you, shower you with care, listening to your sorrows, needs and worries. Maybe what I listed seem that I am a "perfect" guy but I also got my bad points which I don't want to list out here. Maybe I will change if you ask me to.. I can promise you that what I had done is not because I want to go after you only, even when we are together, it will be the same or even better... All I want to say, done, promise I already did... Now is up to you if you are willing to take a step out.. Starting over again seem to be hard in the initial stage but you can take it as a learning process and experience. Don't worry, I had said I will be with you and faced everything with you, you will not be alone... I will hold your hands and give you confidence to tide over the "uncomfortable" period.. I had to say if we were together, you might shed your tears more times than with him, not because I will hurt you more but I will touched your heart more. :) If you think what I had said or written in this blog is nothing but just words or sweet talk to you, I don't know what I should do to make you believe. If you still have doubt with me or still insist on your current relationship, I will just give you my blessing...
Today is 9 September 2009, if we can be together, I promise my love for you and our relationship will last like the date triple 9 "久久久" (长长久久). (Even though this is sweet talk, but I will make it last as long as possible). I also choose to upload this blog at 1:28 am which is your birthday 28 Jan. I hope I got the honor to spend all your future birthday with you till you decided to leave me. :)
You always think how bad we will be together, but you don't want to think how good we will be together.. sharing the same interest, chatting the same topic, gossiping entertainment news, watching sports competition, eating all the nice food, exploring all the new places and shopping centres, going for flowers exhibition, catching magic shows, enjoying fireworks, covering for each other work, assisting each other in climbing up the career ladder, etc... You don't like his character but you still want to "force" yourself to accept and thinking there will be miracles that he will change.. If you don't dare to take a step out now, you can stop considering you will dare to take a step out in the future as you sunk deeper when the times goes....
Whether I can really be a good boyfriend or husband, you should already know based on the past 2 months you know me but if you want to confirm, you can asked around such as your boss.. If you want to know will I be affected by temptation and change of heart, you also can ask the guys how devoted I can be... If you want to know how filial I am, I think no one can answer you except my mother... haha... If we were together, I will discuss with you everything and ask for your opinion.. If it is really no good, I will listen to you... I seem to have understand you but I will not take this for granted, I will continue to pay attention to you, shower you with care, listening to your sorrows, needs and worries. Maybe what I listed seem that I am a "perfect" guy but I also got my bad points which I don't want to list out here. Maybe I will change if you ask me to.. I can promise you that what I had done is not because I want to go after you only, even when we are together, it will be the same or even better... All I want to say, done, promise I already did... Now is up to you if you are willing to take a step out.. Starting over again seem to be hard in the initial stage but you can take it as a learning process and experience. Don't worry, I had said I will be with you and faced everything with you, you will not be alone... I will hold your hands and give you confidence to tide over the "uncomfortable" period.. I had to say if we were together, you might shed your tears more times than with him, not because I will hurt you more but I will touched your heart more. :) If you think what I had said or written in this blog is nothing but just words or sweet talk to you, I don't know what I should do to make you believe. If you still have doubt with me or still insist on your current relationship, I will just give you my blessing...
Today is 9 September 2009, if we can be together, I promise my love for you and our relationship will last like the date triple 9 "久久久" (长长久久). (Even though this is sweet talk, but I will make it last as long as possible). I also choose to upload this blog at 1:28 am which is your birthday 28 Jan. I hope I got the honor to spend all your future birthday with you till you decided to leave me. :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
8th September
It has been some time that I am away from my desk for such a long time. Some people might not be used to it but I think somehow they will have to get used to it as I have decided even though I don't bear to... I glad that she had finally let others know the existence of him. Maybe because I had accidentally heard that, it help me to come to a decision.
I did a foolish thing again, maybe there are not many chances left.. I went to tiong bahru just to buy some snacks back that I saw on the net and came back, I still had to lie that I going there for lunch. Luckily, she say is nice and I know my effort is worth it. Because of her, the whole team get to taste all the nice snacks around this area. I think no one will ever deliberately go and buy the nice snacks in future, not to mention the queueing part. But too bad, good times don't last even though how I wish to... I had decided to bring forward my plan... no point dragging and causing misery.... too tired to wait for an unknown duration...
I did a foolish thing again, maybe there are not many chances left.. I went to tiong bahru just to buy some snacks back that I saw on the net and came back, I still had to lie that I going there for lunch. Luckily, she say is nice and I know my effort is worth it. Because of her, the whole team get to taste all the nice snacks around this area. I think no one will ever deliberately go and buy the nice snacks in future, not to mention the queueing part. But too bad, good times don't last even though how I wish to... I had decided to bring forward my plan... no point dragging and causing misery.... too tired to wait for an unknown duration...
Monday, September 7, 2009
Tired...
Today I had completed the master copy of the shutdown script. Base on this, anyone should have no problem taking over... I had do my part for the company already, does that mean I can leave "peacefully"? I was surprise that I had completed much earlier than expected.. No mood for lunch today and she had packet a few sushi for me. I am grateful but also wonder what is the "intention" she coming from when she buying the sushi? Care and concern? For who? Colleague or ??? Because of me, I know her mood is also affected...
Feeling very tiring since morning even though I had sleep quite "early" last night. Maybe all those work and personnal happening had really tire me out. Anyway I had planned my leave... Will be able to relax after this... Will try to let go everything...
I know one shouldn't leave a relationship just because she met a better person. But why should you confine to him only, shouldn't you give others a chance also especially you also had feelings for that person? Unless you tell me you already confirm he will be the ideal guy that you want to marry.
I believe there are other considerations that you didn't tell me. If just because of troublesome to answer questions from your family on why you break, then you rather be with him, it may seem a bit ridiculous. It is also common to break in this "era", you don't need to stay with him throughout just because of others...
The guys had told me to continue ask you out. But you know what I told them? I tell them you are considering now and I don't want to affect your thinking. I know it will somehow affect your decision if I continue to ask you out or told you what I have done again. I guess the more I spend more time with you, you would be more touched. I want you to consider fairly, so I don't want to do anything more for last week. But I never know your way of fair thinking is different from me.
I don't know how much trust you still had in the relationship. But the most important factor that for both together is trust. If you feel disappointed with his character, how long can you "force" yourself to continue accept? If you told me you got no other choices or got choices but you didn't have feeling for them, that why you continue to be with him, then is ok. But now is a different story, you got choice and he had done a lot and you are touched and also had feelings for him, but why you just don't want to consider?
The time when you told him my existence, instead of trying to persuade you "stay", he just say up to you. You sure this is the answer you want to hear? If I were him, I would do what I can to persuade you to "stay" and let you have faith in this relationship but at the end, I will still leave the choice to you... as I know I had do what I can, eventually it is you that have the final say...
Knowing you had made me become foolish.. Have you wonder why lately I buy so many different kind of snacks? Actually I also don't know around this area got so many snacks that I never try or heard before.. I just search on the net for any recommendation and end up finding all those. I just want you to try all the nice food.. Seeing you saying is nice and eating happily, I will be happy... I am very foolish hor? When you told me which drama that you wanted to watch, I will find for you and convert the format, so you can watch it in your handphone on the move. When you told me you can't watch it, I will reconvert the drama again, so you can watch.. Even though it is time consuming, I don't mind doing it for you.. Again, am I very silly? What you told me, I always remember it in my heart. You say you don't like me to drink, I will give up for you.. No matter what I am doing, when I saw you are not "participating", I will stop what I doing and accompany you. Remember last saturday, I was still busy with the smart arms, but you told me you were leaving at 530pm, so I just stop what I am doing at 520pm and quickly transfer the files for you before I go down to continue the work again. Again, I am very foolish hor? I don't know if I still got the chance to be the foolish guy that always stand by you. If I am not the lucky guy, I hope he will be the lucky one...
11.05pm
Somehow I got a feeling she is not at home at this hour now... But I don't want to ask her anything... Whether she want to tell me, I leave it to her. Too tired to keep chasing for an answer....
Feeling very tiring since morning even though I had sleep quite "early" last night. Maybe all those work and personnal happening had really tire me out. Anyway I had planned my leave... Will be able to relax after this... Will try to let go everything...
I know one shouldn't leave a relationship just because she met a better person. But why should you confine to him only, shouldn't you give others a chance also especially you also had feelings for that person? Unless you tell me you already confirm he will be the ideal guy that you want to marry.
I believe there are other considerations that you didn't tell me. If just because of troublesome to answer questions from your family on why you break, then you rather be with him, it may seem a bit ridiculous. It is also common to break in this "era", you don't need to stay with him throughout just because of others...
The guys had told me to continue ask you out. But you know what I told them? I tell them you are considering now and I don't want to affect your thinking. I know it will somehow affect your decision if I continue to ask you out or told you what I have done again. I guess the more I spend more time with you, you would be more touched. I want you to consider fairly, so I don't want to do anything more for last week. But I never know your way of fair thinking is different from me.
I don't know how much trust you still had in the relationship. But the most important factor that for both together is trust. If you feel disappointed with his character, how long can you "force" yourself to continue accept? If you told me you got no other choices or got choices but you didn't have feeling for them, that why you continue to be with him, then is ok. But now is a different story, you got choice and he had done a lot and you are touched and also had feelings for him, but why you just don't want to consider?
The time when you told him my existence, instead of trying to persuade you "stay", he just say up to you. You sure this is the answer you want to hear? If I were him, I would do what I can to persuade you to "stay" and let you have faith in this relationship but at the end, I will still leave the choice to you... as I know I had do what I can, eventually it is you that have the final say...
Knowing you had made me become foolish.. Have you wonder why lately I buy so many different kind of snacks? Actually I also don't know around this area got so many snacks that I never try or heard before.. I just search on the net for any recommendation and end up finding all those. I just want you to try all the nice food.. Seeing you saying is nice and eating happily, I will be happy... I am very foolish hor? When you told me which drama that you wanted to watch, I will find for you and convert the format, so you can watch it in your handphone on the move. When you told me you can't watch it, I will reconvert the drama again, so you can watch.. Even though it is time consuming, I don't mind doing it for you.. Again, am I very silly? What you told me, I always remember it in my heart. You say you don't like me to drink, I will give up for you.. No matter what I am doing, when I saw you are not "participating", I will stop what I doing and accompany you. Remember last saturday, I was still busy with the smart arms, but you told me you were leaving at 530pm, so I just stop what I am doing at 520pm and quickly transfer the files for you before I go down to continue the work again. Again, I am very foolish hor? I don't know if I still got the chance to be the foolish guy that always stand by you. If I am not the lucky guy, I hope he will be the lucky one...
11.05pm
Somehow I got a feeling she is not at home at this hour now... But I don't want to ask her anything... Whether she want to tell me, I leave it to her. Too tired to keep chasing for an answer....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Finale....
Let me guess what happened. Yesterday night, you stay over at his house. I try to deceive myself that after your bbq, his place is nearer but my memory told me, he live in north, you in west and your bbq is at west also. I can't find another lie to cover this lie, sorry. When you told me you want to think over the weekend, for once, I really believed that. But when all those "signs" show you are at his house, I know I am been a fool again. I feel disappointed but never mind, as this is not the first time. Maybe the way you think is different, you need to be with someone to think better... I wonder what is the purpose of sms me last night. To find out why I replied in such a way to your earlier sms? Or just for the sake of asking?
I hope you can tell me what I guess is wrong. I try very hard to deceive myself for the night but I just can't help feeling this way. I don't know how is you and him recently, but I guess still going on fine. Have you really been fair? You keep saying considering or thinking but you didn't give him and you a break period, so you can make a better decision. Instead, every now and then, you and him still the same, sms, phone, go out and stay over at his house while I just can silently doing things behind you. So you telling me this is fair?
You told me your mum and aunt had good impression of him. No doubt it will be good but why don't you tell them the "mistake" he commit, what he like to do and his character? I wonder will their impression change after you tell them... This is just like a sales talk, only promote the good and don't say the bad. Maybe again, this is your way of doing...
I really wonder the reason of you want me to stay. Happy working with me? Constant lunchmate? Or is it someone will at least be there to cover? I know you will be dishearten to hear this and I also feel very hurt to tell you this. But I not like you, that always keep things in suspense. Maybe I shall tell you, if I am not around and you still in this site, you can forget going for your saturday training. Almost every sat, you will need to come back. This site is not like your previous site, we don't practise work finish then come and see. You will be more tiring than now. I not sure if you know me and your site manager had lightened your workload. I can simply don't bother about smart arms, cleaning, miscellaneous stuff and A&A works. In the end, you think who will the site manager assign to? I think somehow working in this site will affect your relationship with him, but I just don't want to see that. Just think since your stay here, how many times you go back earlier than us? Not to mention on sat that you come later than us...
I had written this at 2.46 am with my handphone. It may sound disheartening, hurt to you but sorry, that is how moody I am feeling now. Partly, I also very jealous you and him still going on so well. So again, my guessing is wrong again? Anyway, you don't need to be sway by my tender, I will not let you know when will that happen and I sure site manager will help me to keep it a secret if I request to. You can tell me your thinking, consideration, explanation, planning, feeling, answer, etc, (which I don't think you will) but I can't promise you that my tender will be sway by your action. Maybe this time I feel totally disappointed after so many times.
I just want to tell you I had never doubt your care and concern towards me and I really appreciate that. You told me you had feelings for me and I also believe. But the longer you drag, the lesser confidence I had, because I know I am on the losing end as you still had him. I wanted to ask you out a few times but I think the topic will somehow go back to your decision and it might up end up like 8 aug night. That why I don't want to force you anymore but that doesn't mean I am not eager to know. I hope you will understand that I not trying to "blame", "threaten", "scold" you but maybe is due to tired, stress, insecure recently.
7.24am
Somehow you seem to had taken me for granted, always be there for you. I think is time you need to stand up on your own. I can't always be around. There had been times that I am "rectifying" your unintentional "mistakes" behind you, just that you don't know. To you, maybe you didn't notice and thought everything went smooth. I don't think you know that there are a few sunday that I am not feeling well or is raining, I still make my way back to office, as I had told you I will cover on your behalf.. I always told you sat I can handle, because I don't want you to feel bad, but do you know how exactly busy I am? Running up and down. By the time, you and your manager reach, I had either clear the work or everything is in progress and to you, it may seem I had a relax morning. I think you don't know, your manager had came earlier a few times just to help me out as she had told me personally. She also asked me why you are not around and why I always cover for you, I just told her that is ok, not that hard and I can handle it myself and you also got cover for me... I know you like your training very much, that why I always suggest you go training while I cover your work. Maybe I too sensitive, I realise whenever the sat I not around, your manager will arrange fewer jobs for that day. I think is time you had to pick up what belong to you, I believe the next engineer will not do so much.
All those stuffs that I had given you, you can just throw away like the flowers. Don't let them affect your relationship with him. Don't worry, I will still help in whatever I can while still around but I guess I will not be around to join in this year ORQ CRES christmas celebration. I had thought me and you as a "we" can celebrate christmas with rest of the team but I think the wish can't be fulfill...
10.15pm
This post I don't intend to upload... Maybe I just don't bear to do so after your request and end up considering... I watched 老婆大人 drama.. I dare to say I will try to be the husband as what shown in the drama, caring and loving you, always stand by you and ready to lend you my shoulder. The drama had also touched me for a certain degree, so I decided to give myself a final last chance, will you be fair and give me a chance to go after you? I can forget what had happened, accept your personnal problems, share your sorrows and problems. I will not because you accepted my request and take you for granted. I will treasure you, continue to do what I had done and will fulfill all those that I had written inside this blog and the letter. I will cheer you up, make you happy and not let you feel sad as much as I can. Should we got a chance to go into relationship, I not only will be good to you but also your family. I will never let you and them regret for me been with you. If your decision is not to give me a chance, I will respect your decision, hope you will find your happiness and don't regret your decision. I will not disturb you again, neither will I share my problems or tell you what and when I am going to do... I will sincerely wish you and him have a happy future. Hope he can continue to keep you happy and do whatever I had done for you.
I hope you can tell me what I guess is wrong. I try very hard to deceive myself for the night but I just can't help feeling this way. I don't know how is you and him recently, but I guess still going on fine. Have you really been fair? You keep saying considering or thinking but you didn't give him and you a break period, so you can make a better decision. Instead, every now and then, you and him still the same, sms, phone, go out and stay over at his house while I just can silently doing things behind you. So you telling me this is fair?
You told me your mum and aunt had good impression of him. No doubt it will be good but why don't you tell them the "mistake" he commit, what he like to do and his character? I wonder will their impression change after you tell them... This is just like a sales talk, only promote the good and don't say the bad. Maybe again, this is your way of doing...
I really wonder the reason of you want me to stay. Happy working with me? Constant lunchmate? Or is it someone will at least be there to cover? I know you will be dishearten to hear this and I also feel very hurt to tell you this. But I not like you, that always keep things in suspense. Maybe I shall tell you, if I am not around and you still in this site, you can forget going for your saturday training. Almost every sat, you will need to come back. This site is not like your previous site, we don't practise work finish then come and see. You will be more tiring than now. I not sure if you know me and your site manager had lightened your workload. I can simply don't bother about smart arms, cleaning, miscellaneous stuff and A&A works. In the end, you think who will the site manager assign to? I think somehow working in this site will affect your relationship with him, but I just don't want to see that. Just think since your stay here, how many times you go back earlier than us? Not to mention on sat that you come later than us...
I had written this at 2.46 am with my handphone. It may sound disheartening, hurt to you but sorry, that is how moody I am feeling now. Partly, I also very jealous you and him still going on so well. So again, my guessing is wrong again? Anyway, you don't need to be sway by my tender, I will not let you know when will that happen and I sure site manager will help me to keep it a secret if I request to. You can tell me your thinking, consideration, explanation, planning, feeling, answer, etc, (which I don't think you will) but I can't promise you that my tender will be sway by your action. Maybe this time I feel totally disappointed after so many times.
I just want to tell you I had never doubt your care and concern towards me and I really appreciate that. You told me you had feelings for me and I also believe. But the longer you drag, the lesser confidence I had, because I know I am on the losing end as you still had him. I wanted to ask you out a few times but I think the topic will somehow go back to your decision and it might up end up like 8 aug night. That why I don't want to force you anymore but that doesn't mean I am not eager to know. I hope you will understand that I not trying to "blame", "threaten", "scold" you but maybe is due to tired, stress, insecure recently.
7.24am
Somehow you seem to had taken me for granted, always be there for you. I think is time you need to stand up on your own. I can't always be around. There had been times that I am "rectifying" your unintentional "mistakes" behind you, just that you don't know. To you, maybe you didn't notice and thought everything went smooth. I don't think you know that there are a few sunday that I am not feeling well or is raining, I still make my way back to office, as I had told you I will cover on your behalf.. I always told you sat I can handle, because I don't want you to feel bad, but do you know how exactly busy I am? Running up and down. By the time, you and your manager reach, I had either clear the work or everything is in progress and to you, it may seem I had a relax morning. I think you don't know, your manager had came earlier a few times just to help me out as she had told me personally. She also asked me why you are not around and why I always cover for you, I just told her that is ok, not that hard and I can handle it myself and you also got cover for me... I know you like your training very much, that why I always suggest you go training while I cover your work. Maybe I too sensitive, I realise whenever the sat I not around, your manager will arrange fewer jobs for that day. I think is time you had to pick up what belong to you, I believe the next engineer will not do so much.
All those stuffs that I had given you, you can just throw away like the flowers. Don't let them affect your relationship with him. Don't worry, I will still help in whatever I can while still around but I guess I will not be around to join in this year ORQ CRES christmas celebration. I had thought me and you as a "we" can celebrate christmas with rest of the team but I think the wish can't be fulfill...
10.15pm
This post I don't intend to upload... Maybe I just don't bear to do so after your request and end up considering... I watched 老婆大人 drama.. I dare to say I will try to be the husband as what shown in the drama, caring and loving you, always stand by you and ready to lend you my shoulder. The drama had also touched me for a certain degree, so I decided to give myself a final last chance, will you be fair and give me a chance to go after you? I can forget what had happened, accept your personnal problems, share your sorrows and problems. I will not because you accepted my request and take you for granted. I will treasure you, continue to do what I had done and will fulfill all those that I had written inside this blog and the letter. I will cheer you up, make you happy and not let you feel sad as much as I can. Should we got a chance to go into relationship, I not only will be good to you but also your family. I will never let you and them regret for me been with you. If your decision is not to give me a chance, I will respect your decision, hope you will find your happiness and don't regret your decision. I will not disturb you again, neither will I share my problems or tell you what and when I am going to do... I will sincerely wish you and him have a happy future. Hope he can continue to keep you happy and do whatever I had done for you.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
5th September
I had reminded myself not to tell her anything but in the end I still reveal everything to her. I thought I can wait patiently and leave silently when the time comes... Now one person problem become two persons... Why can't I just endure a little bit more...
Song that can describe my feelings now will be:
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Even when I leave, my love for her will never change... But is hard for her to believe I think....
I wish I can forever by her side and be her "guardian angel", reminding her all the stuff that she would forget, sheltering and helping her... but I think the chance and time left is not much....
Today is the second time I use the typewriter. Wasted a number of envelopes just to get the alignment right... But I think not many people would want to use the typewriter for this purpose..
Song that can describe my feelings now will be:
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Even when I leave, my love for her will never change... But is hard for her to believe I think....
I wish I can forever by her side and be her "guardian angel", reminding her all the stuff that she would forget, sheltering and helping her... but I think the chance and time left is not much....
Today is the second time I use the typewriter. Wasted a number of envelopes just to get the alignment right... But I think not many people would want to use the typewriter for this purpose..
Friday, September 4, 2009
4th September
Wake up in the middle of the night again. Feel like sms her but I don't know if I should "disturb" her. I feel I had neglect her these few days as I was quite busy with my work. But I know this shouldn't be an excuse. I think I should do something to make up despite my busy work... and that is buy bubble tea!!!!
Had a farewell dinner tonight. Maybe the next farewell will be mine... I had enjoy the dinner tonight, had been "cooking" food for her. Will there still be next time? I don't know will this also the last time I sending her to the bus. Do she have anything to tell or ask me? I know I got many questions but I don't dare to ask. I scare she isn't ready to answer me and make her more vex. She ask me why I have no mood today, I had type the reply but I just didn't send it out.. I know there is still no answer from her. Every night, my handphone is waiting for her sms but there is always none...
Trying my luck to see if I walk along the bus route, will there be any bus just happened to pass by and I can hop on to it. But I just don't seem to have any luck. Either the bus just pass before I reach or come after I go. Maybe the timing is really just wrong. Without noticing, I came back to Singapore River again. Maybe it is true that where things start, it should also end at there. Sometime I just can't force things to happen as what I had wished... I know things happened from now on will be a privilege and I will have to treasure it when it happens...
Today make a big progress in my shutdown preparation... maybe that will be the last thing I will help the company do... I hope I will not be label as "heartless" when I left as I fulfill the annual important thing to the company.
She told me she would think over the weekend. But same as what he had told her, if she need to consider, I think she no need to consider anymore... how can a 2 month happening compare with a 2 years relationship? Is not that my character is same as him, but sad to say, this is what I believe. I am already very happy that she say she will consider even though I believe the outcome is not to my favor... I think it is unfair for her to force her for an answer. Don't bother or think too much... Just enjoy the weekend....
Had a farewell dinner tonight. Maybe the next farewell will be mine... I had enjoy the dinner tonight, had been "cooking" food for her. Will there still be next time? I don't know will this also the last time I sending her to the bus. Do she have anything to tell or ask me? I know I got many questions but I don't dare to ask. I scare she isn't ready to answer me and make her more vex. She ask me why I have no mood today, I had type the reply but I just didn't send it out.. I know there is still no answer from her. Every night, my handphone is waiting for her sms but there is always none...
Trying my luck to see if I walk along the bus route, will there be any bus just happened to pass by and I can hop on to it. But I just don't seem to have any luck. Either the bus just pass before I reach or come after I go. Maybe the timing is really just wrong. Without noticing, I came back to Singapore River again. Maybe it is true that where things start, it should also end at there. Sometime I just can't force things to happen as what I had wished... I know things happened from now on will be a privilege and I will have to treasure it when it happens...
Today make a big progress in my shutdown preparation... maybe that will be the last thing I will help the company do... I hope I will not be label as "heartless" when I left as I fulfill the annual important thing to the company.
She told me she would think over the weekend. But same as what he had told her, if she need to consider, I think she no need to consider anymore... how can a 2 month happening compare with a 2 years relationship? Is not that my character is same as him, but sad to say, this is what I believe. I am already very happy that she say she will consider even though I believe the outcome is not to my favor... I think it is unfair for her to force her for an answer. Don't bother or think too much... Just enjoy the weekend....
Thursday, September 3, 2009
3rd September
Sometimes I wonder can I really give her happiness? Will I treat her better than him? Will she really be happy with me? Will I share everything with her? Will I stay by her and cheer her up when she is down? Can I shelter her from anything? Will I face everything with her? Am I worthy of her?
If she scare of how people inside office will see us when we are together, I don't mind been a normal colleague or friend during office hour and together after office hour. Anyway I had said it will not be long that we might be in different sites. If she scare people ask her this and that, I will help her to think of answers or answer on her behalf. Most probably this is my wishful thinking again...
She told me yesterday she had gone out alone to look at something.. Maybe she don't know I don't mind accompany her to anywhere or look at anything.. Whenever I saw something nice just like those variety show introducing nice food or places, I hope I can be there with her...
Today meeting is nothing but more work. Already busy enough and still ask me to teach the shift engineer within the time frame, so client will be more "satisfied" with the service level. Almost all is more experienced than me, how to teach them? Ask me to feedback on them, I not so stupid again to tell the truth, I know my answer will be finding problem for myself. It should be a happy thing when people forcasting their leave but why am I not?
I really can't be as noble as 小鲍, doing all sort of things for 常在心 and letting her be with her boyfriend. I can't always watching her and him together and deceiving myself... I am getting tired..... in terms of work and personnal with everyday went past while others still think is because I watch too much drama....
Somehow, I think I know what to do...
Will my absence have any effect to anyone? maybe time can really fade away memories as what she said. Everything might be back to normal after some time...
Wanted to share her more about my problems but I had said earlier that one day, I still have to face it alone, can't always rely on "good" friend, unless she told me I am more than that... Maybe just tolerate a little longer, then problems will no longer exist... Let the next person continue this "office political war"...
If she scare of how people inside office will see us when we are together, I don't mind been a normal colleague or friend during office hour and together after office hour. Anyway I had said it will not be long that we might be in different sites. If she scare people ask her this and that, I will help her to think of answers or answer on her behalf. Most probably this is my wishful thinking again...
She told me yesterday she had gone out alone to look at something.. Maybe she don't know I don't mind accompany her to anywhere or look at anything.. Whenever I saw something nice just like those variety show introducing nice food or places, I hope I can be there with her...
Today meeting is nothing but more work. Already busy enough and still ask me to teach the shift engineer within the time frame, so client will be more "satisfied" with the service level. Almost all is more experienced than me, how to teach them? Ask me to feedback on them, I not so stupid again to tell the truth, I know my answer will be finding problem for myself. It should be a happy thing when people forcasting their leave but why am I not?
I really can't be as noble as 小鲍, doing all sort of things for 常在心 and letting her be with her boyfriend. I can't always watching her and him together and deceiving myself... I am getting tired..... in terms of work and personnal with everyday went past while others still think is because I watch too much drama....
Somehow, I think I know what to do...
Will my absence have any effect to anyone? maybe time can really fade away memories as what she said. Everything might be back to normal after some time...
Wanted to share her more about my problems but I had said earlier that one day, I still have to face it alone, can't always rely on "good" friend, unless she told me I am more than that... Maybe just tolerate a little longer, then problems will no longer exist... Let the next person continue this "office political war"...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
2nd September
Busy day today. Work never seem to end. Haven't really touch on shutdown script and half day already gone. Late lunch with her, manager and the kid today. After which we went for dessert and my manager offered to share hers with me. I think if this goes on, it will make me more unbearing to leave. I got this feeling that something is bothering her and she keep a distance when walking back. But when I asked her, she say she all right. Am I thinking too much?
I really hope one day I can enter her life and we can explore places for delicious, famous food, go to places that we never been, enjoying sceneries and letting her taste the dessert that I make. But I know this is only a wish... don't dare to pin too much hope on it...
How long can I suppress my eagerness to know the answer, the urge to ask her questions? Maybe I will suppress till I am tired and leave... Just like today, got a feeling that she is going out after work but I just contain the question of asking where she is going in my heart. Telling myself I don't want to know...
Office had asked me to clear leave as I had 25 days and need to be submitted by next week. Maybe I should really start to plan... Getting tired as times goes... partly is due to the shutdown preparation and "political" issues I had to face within my own team... But no matter how busy or stressful fighting the "war", I still think of her, so I can definitely say that to forget her is impossible even I left...
I really hope one day I can enter her life and we can explore places for delicious, famous food, go to places that we never been, enjoying sceneries and letting her taste the dessert that I make. But I know this is only a wish... don't dare to pin too much hope on it...
How long can I suppress my eagerness to know the answer, the urge to ask her questions? Maybe I will suppress till I am tired and leave... Just like today, got a feeling that she is going out after work but I just contain the question of asking where she is going in my heart. Telling myself I don't want to know...
Office had asked me to clear leave as I had 25 days and need to be submitted by next week. Maybe I should really start to plan... Getting tired as times goes... partly is due to the shutdown preparation and "political" issues I had to face within my own team... But no matter how busy or stressful fighting the "war", I still think of her, so I can definitely say that to forget her is impossible even I left...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
1st September
Finally September has come and my busy month has start. Today weather is what I like but it cause disturbance to outdoor people as it is rainy. Her shoes got wet on the way back from lunch. I scare she might fall while walking on the slippery floor, how I wish I can hold her hands and walk with her. At the end of the day, I then get know of her leg is still "injured". If I had known earlier, I will change the lunch location to a nearer place, so she can walked lesser.
There is always better person out there but doesn't mean it will be suitable or compatible. To be together, there need to have some chemistry. And I think I had found the one. Maybe after all the "hardship", I will learn to treasure and not give up the plant easily. I don't know how good he treat her, but I know I will treat her the best I can.
Maybe if I really leave the site, all the memories of her will be hidden in some areas of my heart but to forget, I think is impossible, especially after all the efforts I put in. Her impression is too deep in my heart. I don't know if it is the same for her a not... She might be right that there is an "initial" stage of unbearing but I know this stage will be extremely long for me...
Last minute of the day, my manager call me to say due to client requirement, all the script that I had prepared need to be changed and asked me if is it possible for me due to the short time frame. When it is not a choice in the first place, why he bother to ask?
I don't know if I were to ask her out, will she still accept my invite? Even though this month is busy, I still want to spend time with her. Hope she can understand me and give me the chance to shower her with care.
There is always better person out there but doesn't mean it will be suitable or compatible. To be together, there need to have some chemistry. And I think I had found the one. Maybe after all the "hardship", I will learn to treasure and not give up the plant easily. I don't know how good he treat her, but I know I will treat her the best I can.
Maybe if I really leave the site, all the memories of her will be hidden in some areas of my heart but to forget, I think is impossible, especially after all the efforts I put in. Her impression is too deep in my heart. I don't know if it is the same for her a not... She might be right that there is an "initial" stage of unbearing but I know this stage will be extremely long for me...
Last minute of the day, my manager call me to say due to client requirement, all the script that I had prepared need to be changed and asked me if is it possible for me due to the short time frame. When it is not a choice in the first place, why he bother to ask?
I don't know if I were to ask her out, will she still accept my invite? Even though this month is busy, I still want to spend time with her. Hope she can understand me and give me the chance to shower her with care.
Monday, August 31, 2009
31st August
Can drinking really solve problem? Maybe it can help to escape from reality. Once the alcohol reach the brain, thinking will be stop and pain will slowly gone also. At that moment, it will be a trouble-less world. Everything been said and done will be base on feeling. Maybe is true that only when drunk, people will tell the truth. I don't know why but after drinking, courage will increase and sometime I really want to ask her can she be selfish for one time and leave him. But I know even I say that, it will not have any effect. Since she can't decide, should I just let go everything and leave this place? Don't bother about the work in hand, don't bother about the environment and lastly don't bother about her. Physically doing that is no problem but can my heart do that?
I told her I not "artistic", don't go for performance but I guess she also know if she ask me to accompany her, I will go no matter it is of my interest a not. But too bad, I know me not the first in her priority list. And somehow I can guess who is going with her on that day...
She asked by saying “not going to pressure” is it “withdraw”. The answer is no or maybe yes... But I know if this drag on for unknown duration, I will be really tired, the answer will be yes. I am not as “noble” as what she think. I can’t stay by her side for so long watching them as an item. Maybe I will not be around when she finally can decide who is better for her and by then, don’t think there is a need to think anymore as there is only him... The time to end will be the time I leaving this site...
Even though my handphone got many songs but whole day, I just repeating one song which represent what I wanted to told her, the song is "Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You"
Why she keeps moving me? She keeps giving me expectations, but in the end this happens. I wait by myself, I get hurt by myself. Once I am down, she chase up to me again. If I push her aside, she will persist to cheer me up. When I am back to normal again, I feel been ignored again. I hate this. Maybe our relationship will always be entwined, and never end, but I very mad about that. Can’t she just give me a chance after all the things I had done?
I told her I not "artistic", don't go for performance but I guess she also know if she ask me to accompany her, I will go no matter it is of my interest a not. But too bad, I know me not the first in her priority list. And somehow I can guess who is going with her on that day...
She asked by saying “not going to pressure” is it “withdraw”. The answer is no or maybe yes... But I know if this drag on for unknown duration, I will be really tired, the answer will be yes. I am not as “noble” as what she think. I can’t stay by her side for so long watching them as an item. Maybe I will not be around when she finally can decide who is better for her and by then, don’t think there is a need to think anymore as there is only him... The time to end will be the time I leaving this site...
Even though my handphone got many songs but whole day, I just repeating one song which represent what I wanted to told her, the song is "Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You"
Why she keeps moving me? She keeps giving me expectations, but in the end this happens. I wait by myself, I get hurt by myself. Once I am down, she chase up to me again. If I push her aside, she will persist to cheer me up. When I am back to normal again, I feel been ignored again. I hate this. Maybe our relationship will always be entwined, and never end, but I very mad about that. Can’t she just give me a chance after all the things I had done?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
30th August
A tired day today... Yesterday only sleep for less than 2 hours. But the tiredness is not as bad as I had think, maybe my mood is good after knowing her thinking... But I can't expect too much as I still seem to be on the losing end till she had decided to be single again... Not going to pressure or ask her as in the past even though I wish to know eagerly. I just leave it to her... When I feel is the time to go, I will just leave silently no matter how unbearing it is... that will also mean the time to end has come...
I never know what my place in her heart is till she told me that night. It is out of my expectation and I was quite happy with it. It has kept me going for yesterday. I wonder how is my letter now? Hope it is not inside the rubbish bin...How she feel after reading my letter?
Somehow I feel things are predestined. The letter that I prepared and the blog that I going to post for the next day is a result of I not sure of her thinking. But before I going to do that, she actually told me her thinking and I know if I had knew it earlier, I would not had written the same thing. But I think is also good for her to know how I feel before she told me her thinking. I think I had to wait for some time again before she “update” me her feeling and thinking again...
I never know what my place in her heart is till she told me that night. It is out of my expectation and I was quite happy with it. It has kept me going for yesterday. I wonder how is my letter now? Hope it is not inside the rubbish bin...How she feel after reading my letter?
Somehow I feel things are predestined. The letter that I prepared and the blog that I going to post for the next day is a result of I not sure of her thinking. But before I going to do that, she actually told me her thinking and I know if I had knew it earlier, I would not had written the same thing. But I think is also good for her to know how I feel before she told me her thinking. I think I had to wait for some time again before she “update” me her feeling and thinking again...
29th August
This can be consider one of the worst shutdown that I ever been. So many hiccups along the way, no communication, wrong instruction given, equipment breakdown, etc. No matter how good beforehand planning is, the possibility of equipment spoilt is always there. We only can hope everything went smooth during the actual event. Maybe the unexpected part is the most dreadful, that why most will try not to be the one to chair, especially for major site. Spending months for the preparation and yet due to some uncontrollable circumstances, the whole shutdown screw up, it might seem disheartening. From next month onwards, it will be a busy month for me as my site shutdown is end of the month. Actually I do not need to be doing all these again if I had follow my initial plan.
2am looking at orchard from the office window, the street seem to have a lonely feeling... same as me... I wonder how she feeling after the things I given her today. I didn't expect her to told me her consideration when I wrote the letter. But as time is drawing nearer for the performance, I had to pass the tickets to her soon.
4am, she told me she will talk to me tomorrow. What will that be? Bad news again? I think is time for me to sleep now since my hair had dried. Next morning, I still need to reach office by 7am... That the bad thing for shutdown...
After our chatting last night, I really hope we will got a chance to start and I am sure I will be a better boyfriend than him. I will face everything and share all her responsibility including to her family. Can she trust me for one time and give me a chance?
2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust
Only Love
2am looking at orchard from the office window, the street seem to have a lonely feeling... same as me... I wonder how she feeling after the things I given her today. I didn't expect her to told me her consideration when I wrote the letter. But as time is drawing nearer for the performance, I had to pass the tickets to her soon.
4am, she told me she will talk to me tomorrow. What will that be? Bad news again? I think is time for me to sleep now since my hair had dried. Next morning, I still need to reach office by 7am... That the bad thing for shutdown...
After our chatting last night, I really hope we will got a chance to start and I am sure I will be a better boyfriend than him. I will face everything and share all her responsibility including to her family. Can she trust me for one time and give me a chance?
2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust
Only Love
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