I really don't know you like him so much. If I know earlier, I will control my feelings for you and all this will not happened. Remember the first time we went out to the IT show and chat at Marina Square Macdonald, during that time, I don't know you are already attached. I feel that we can click quite well, sharing all our past information (eg. What we do in our poly times, past job experience, interest, etc). I find out we actually had too much in common...
I know it is not easy to adapt to a new site especially a higher requirement front office, some more the cres team don't seem to have a good impression of you. They follow your instruction just because you are the DSM. To facilitate your working here easier and happier, I decided to be the mediator and pave the way for you. I show you around, telling you where need to pay more attention, where is less critical. I hope bit by bit, I can slowly influence you to change the style you bring over from atrium. Remember I told you "when you don't expect too much, you will not be disappointed as much". I not saying your way of doing things is wrong but it is hard to use it on the cleaning team over here. Instead of stating your expectation only, they would prefer you will be involved, or discussed with them. By just some simple action, they will find it is not that you are trying to make things hard for them but to improve the current situation. And things can only improve bit by bit and not at one go. I don't know if you still remember got one time, you, me and cleaning supervisor do a site inspection. Many areas are not up to your expectation and you had asked him to improve. He say ok in front of you but maybe you do not know after you left, he "grumble" to me. Then I and him run through everything again, explaining why some areas fail and advice him how to improve which he also agreed willingly. At that moment, I decided to "represent" you and show them you are not making things hard for them by understanding their work and helping them in whatever I can (eg. collecting cups for the pantry staff, fixing the loosen mop, etc). Maybe I don't really draw any line between me and them and my appointment is different from you, they tend to feedback more to me. With feedbacks from you and them, I think of ways to facilitate both sides even I had to hands on also (washing aircon diffuser), I also don't mind. Maybe they see us together too often, they start don't mind doing "extra" when you ask them to. Slowly they start to change the impression of you and you also become more flexible which is a good thing for teamwork. In the process, I had start to drift apart from my own engineering team...
I tend to spend more time with you and pay attention to what you say.. Trying to know you more through any ways I can. I always take note of what you like, dislike and where you want to go. Covering your job, standby for you become my work scope. When seeing you troubled and unhappy, I would think of ways to make you laugh. Thinking you might be tired, I would try to help you in whatever I can. When know you had to stay for any jobs, I would find some excuses and stay back with you... even on weekends, I would also deliberately come back to accompany you... Seeing you nobody accompany you for lunch, I turn down other lunch offer. I would find some opportunities to give you surprise like buying your favorite food that you had not eaten for some time. Knowing you are forgetful, I would constantly remind you or pass down instruction that you had forgotten. When going out or lunch, I would look out for any holes on the ground or uneven ground as you are wearing heels, look out for traffic when crossing the road. I also develop the habit of sms, bchat with you, turning my head to see if you are around, follow you around, finding ways to ask you out... When I know you like to watch TVB drama but usually not free to watch at home, I convert all the drama to handphone format and find the player so you can watch it on the move.. Even though the conversion is time consuming but thinking you can enjoy it, I don't mind it at all...
Next is the steamboat farewell dinner. We went shopping for your clothing after the dinner. You told me you don't like walking but you still walked from Bugis to Singapore River with me and had a long chat over there. You give me a feeling that we can most probably be more than normal friends. But reality is cruel. The next day, you break a sad news to me telling me you got boyfriend and is two years already at the esplanade library. But your action show me you are unhappy and insecure with the relationship. I try to act like nothing but deep in my heart, I am very sad. The next question is should I continue to fight the no guarantee war or retreat? Consider for a long time and since your signs told me you are unhappy with your relationship, I decided to go all out, thinking I will moved your heart with my sincerity and effort. Pick up my courage and declare my feelings for you. In the end, all I got back is "give up", wounds and false hope. I suffered the heaviest defeat without knowing the actual reasons. Up to now, I still don't understand how can I lost to a guy that hurt you before, decrease your trust and faith in relationship.. Sometime, I really doubt your words of "touched my heart", "can't bear to see you leave", etc. is it really from your heart? But in the end, I choose to believe it.. I really stand a place in your heart...
I finally realised the damage is so great. I lost career, love, confidence, trust and faith in relationship. I don't know after this fall down, can I walk back like normal? But I don't blame you. You still the girl I like most. All the effort, action I put in and the sacrifices is all the result of been over confident.. I think I will not be so daring anymore in love matters... The career I had build up in all these 3 years is been completely destroyed in just 6 weeks.. The feedbacks I received is all negative.. "start to rebel when only know something", "performance dropped", "useless", "gone case", etc.. Last time, all my work can be submitted to the client directly but now it has to go through other parties before submitting to the client, this show what? The client lost confidence in my work? A single mistake made in the past is often been seen as nothing but nowadays, a small mistake of mine is been amplified to my MD.. All those cost saving, initiative works is always been in charge by me but now it has changed to others.. Not to mention in charge, even involve also none of my business... How will I be able to gain back my performance again when nothing is left for me? By changing more light tubes?? Been always one of the high profile in the team, I suddenly dropped till like bottom... At first, I thought is just negative comment floating around only, still can take it.. Later found out that an overseas trip that is meant for me is had been replaced by someone else.. The trip finally is my turn after 3 years is gone due to the negative comment.... Increment usually I get the highest and will still get a little even when others don't have, this year round it seem to gone too.... The nearby overseas trip already no chance, not to mention the further ones.... All this happened not due to I had offend anyone but only drift apart from them... As the market is small, spread of mouth is fast.... Jobs offered that I had all rejected previously, will there be coming knocking on my door again? I wonder if I still got the strength to rebuild everything... What is my next step? I also don't know... I had no confidence in everything I do... beside picking up the wine bottle... Everyday I still had to put on a happy face and only when nobody is around, I can use back my original face... Is really tiring... Loving you is tiring, giving you up is tiring... Sometime I think falling for you is a wrong... like dropping into a deep hole where I can't climb up again...
Life is never fair.. That guy hurt you, cry a while, ask for forgiveness then get back together... I never hurt you, but why tears also come out from my eyes? I not blaming you or anything... Your just now sms, saying why I only treat you as a colleague, it is not true at all.. You should know I treat you as a very very important person but in the end what you say to me GIVE UP.. I put in so much effort in doing so many things to help you, make you happy, better working relationship with the team even though all is out of my own will, in the end what do I get again? GIVE UP... I cover your weekend work, scare you over tire yourself, want you to rest more, showering you with care and concern, in the end, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I even foolish and blind to the stage where I cover for your job and ask you to go and meet him, as I know you will be happier that way, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I told you all my thinking and feeling and ask for yours, your reply is "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"? Then I ask you for the reason for me to give up, you just give me "can't tell reason"... What kind of reason is that? You want me to tell you my everything and I had told you in this post... I just want to know more about you and you told me "personal reason that will hurt us".. What kind of reason is that again? I don't mind your past and any hurtful reasons, I am prepared to face it with you.. You just refused to tell me and say I will not be able to accept it... You know how hurt is that? Family problems which I usually don't reveal to anyone, yet I told you but even a problem of yours, you also can't share with me, do you know how disappointing it is? What am I actually to you? A colleague only? You say I might not want to see you online, that is the last thing that I will ever do... You know everytime you say "see you online", I will wait till around 1am, thinking you might be busy with other stuff, in the end, I still never see you online.. you know how I feel? How disheartening I am? Maybe to you, is just a casual remark, but to me, I take it very seriously. Everything you say I take note, just like the dance "The Next Wave".. When late night I didn't get your response, instead of getting angry, I am worried where you are, did you reached home safely... wake up in the middle of the night, checking for your sms... but everytime there is none... You know how worried I feel? You say you got the habit of checking sms instead of waiting for his sms, whenever you received sms, you will replied asap but when I sms you, I only get the reply after some time, do you think I am that stupid to believe that? You said you had feelings for both us but why you only show the feelings for him and not me? Why are you so unfair? You give me hope and you demolish it with your own hands.. It is not the first time.. Do you know it is really very heart breaking? I can easily make you stay till every job completes but I still believe I can move your heart, so I choose to cover for you. When I heard of your backache, I thought I cover for you today, so you can rest more but in the end, you tell me you are spending the night with him... You just want to break me down to pieces... And let me tell you today is a straight 13 hrs work.. and none of the work is under my care... even the manager also say it is very 可怜 to see me sitting there alone waiting for the job to complete.. I never even say one word about asking you to come back.... I just reply her with a fake smile... Sometime I really want to shout at you, vent out all my frustration, but when I saw you, I can't bear to.. When I already at my limit, I sms you but after that I will regret doing it and apologies to you.. Once again, I want to let you know although I had sacrifice a lot but I really never blame is your fault.. It all out of my own will....
You told me you are going to decide one more time as you don't know the seriousness and sms me a few times, my heart melt.... I decided to do whatever I can to try to move your heart once more even you just let me had a great fall... yesterday, I walked and queued for the kueh that you say nice.. at night, I scare your backache might get worsen, I offered to cover for you so you can go and see doctor... When election, before decision is made, the counting party must stay neutral to both voting party... You told me you still haven't reach a decision but every night you call him, meet him, stay at his house... yet I don't have that kind of privilege, please put yourself in my shoe, do you think it is fair to me? Not that I don't believe you but your action tells me my chance is very low.... I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't do anything, I scare I will lose to him... I want to do but I don't know to do what... Can you tell me what I should do to win you? He can happily doing nothing and winning you over as he don't know there is still this decision going on... I really can't accept that.. No matter how hard I run, he is just in front of me...
I don't know how well or good he treat you but I believe how I treat you should not be worse than him.. Base on what you told me, I know he had hurt you a lot.. Why can't you just give a chance to other guys to cherish you? Maybe your feelings for him is just too deep for any other parties to break through including me.... Maybe what I guess is correct, you and him is never meant to break even he breach the agreement again as your feelings for him is too deep... Now, you can very determined say yes, you will but when the time comes, the tears of his will melt your heart and let you forgive him again.. Remember that friday night, when me and you had a long chat, at that moment, I believe I already moved your heart and you have the intention to break but when you saw his sms, call or meet him, your heart went back to him again... So I can say no matter how much I do, I just can only moved you at that instance... Can you tell me all my assumption is wrong and told me the actual thing?
How will you feel if he told you he had feelings for you and another girl and he is deciding which one to go with. Then during this considering period, he stay overnight at the girl house and telling you he still considering, what would you think? Yesterday night, I had a talk with a friend which you know also, he gone through many relationship, at least 10+ and you can call him as a playboy also... He said every relationship he also got love the girl and almost all went to bed before.. But when the girl start to tell him about commitment, he will sure break... He told me one thing love and sex to a guy is 2 separate things while these 2 things to a girl is the same thing... He can go to bed with every girl but doesn't mean he truly love them... He also experienced the situation as your his before... He is attached then another girl also came into picture.. When been find out, he just apologies to his girlfriend and say is a mistake and he will not commit again but he told me his real intention is just to "delay" time.. so he can wait for another while still having this one.. I can't say he is bad as he really got feelings for his girlfriend, just that he hoping another better will come... A girl when with a suitable guy, she will not consider another guy that come later even he is better... But a guy when with a suitable girl, he will still consider another girl that come later... I don't know if your his is same as him a not, is up to your judgment.. But what I told you above, please don't let our particular friend know... wait he say I exposed his flirting secrets....
Maybe this is my last piece of confidence.. I only want to tell you, no matter what, my feelings for you will never change even though you let me down once... no matter how hurt or what, nothing is more hurt than losing you and I am prepared to face everything with you. I will not mind your past... the future is what I care... As long as you can give me chance and time, your feelings for me will sure more than what you had for him.. I will give you the happiness and blissfulness, treat you better and make a better boyfriend or even husband than him... I will always be there if you decided to tell me your problems. I will not let you leave me once you are with me.. I will share your joy and sorrow, listen to you and share everything I had with you... I know all these is say easier than done, but please believe me.. I will try my best in fulfill all my promise to you...
Tell you the truth, I had been drinking for 6 consecutive nights, it really made me forget what I had lost..and the sorrow, disappointment, disheartening, hurt you given me.... at least for the night, I can don't think about it... You asked me to listen you for once, not to drink.. But have you listen to me once? I had asked you before not to stay at his house overnight before any decision been made but you still did..
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾後悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
痛哭的人
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Lost....
Yesterday is the first time I had agitated her. But it will be the last time also. Finally decided to give up after persisting for so long. I also not sure of the reason.. Maybe I really too tired mentally and I give in to her as she seem to like him very much and I know I can't replace him... I had never imagine I will lose this battle. Trying my very best in fighting this battle, thinking hard work will pay off. But not only losing in love, I had also lost in career. 赔了夫人又折兵... I realised in the process, I had given up too much and I had drifted too far from the team and "offended" some people... I think is too late to do anything..
No one ever made me shed a tear and she had done it twice. I don't know why I end up like this. Did I do anything wrong? My life is like a earthquake that had just occurred, over the night, everything that I had built up for so long is been destroyed. Now is in total mess. It happened just too fast for me to react. I don't know what is my next step. If I tender, all my shutdown preparation will be down the drain. Not to mention, I had turned down offers as I thought this will never happened... If I don't tender, can I still face her as normal? Can I don't let this affect my work with her? What is my objective in office when last time everything is for her?
Confidence is my strong point but now it is reduce to zero. But I will never blame her, all is just my wishful thinking. If time turns back, I will still do the same but this time round, I might not put in so much effort and yet getting nothing but full of wounds. Been with her all this while, I never regret. Instead, I am happy, most probably one of the few happiest moments in my life. She is the one that I love most but at the same time, I am wounded the deepest by her...
She insist of knowing what I had done but does she know by learning that, it might change her decision? I might or might not told her... What the point of spreading the misery to so many people? She said she never expect the after effect of "give up" to be so serious and wanted to decide again. I really doubting what she saying now. Should I believe her one more time and let her know what I lost or done? I have already lost the faith and trust... I had fell down once, now I had to climb up again and don't know if I can still walk as in the past. I really don't dare to fall down again...
Tonight I went back to the place where we first spend the night six weeks ago, singapore river outside central. Surrounding still the same but atmosphere is different. Memories flowing back... So much things had happened within this period. Why are we end up like this? Or I should say I instead of we...
No one ever made me shed a tear and she had done it twice. I don't know why I end up like this. Did I do anything wrong? My life is like a earthquake that had just occurred, over the night, everything that I had built up for so long is been destroyed. Now is in total mess. It happened just too fast for me to react. I don't know what is my next step. If I tender, all my shutdown preparation will be down the drain. Not to mention, I had turned down offers as I thought this will never happened... If I don't tender, can I still face her as normal? Can I don't let this affect my work with her? What is my objective in office when last time everything is for her?
Confidence is my strong point but now it is reduce to zero. But I will never blame her, all is just my wishful thinking. If time turns back, I will still do the same but this time round, I might not put in so much effort and yet getting nothing but full of wounds. Been with her all this while, I never regret. Instead, I am happy, most probably one of the few happiest moments in my life. She is the one that I love most but at the same time, I am wounded the deepest by her...
She insist of knowing what I had done but does she know by learning that, it might change her decision? I might or might not told her... What the point of spreading the misery to so many people? She said she never expect the after effect of "give up" to be so serious and wanted to decide again. I really doubting what she saying now. Should I believe her one more time and let her know what I lost or done? I have already lost the faith and trust... I had fell down once, now I had to climb up again and don't know if I can still walk as in the past. I really don't dare to fall down again...
Tonight I went back to the place where we first spend the night six weeks ago, singapore river outside central. Surrounding still the same but atmosphere is different. Memories flowing back... So much things had happened within this period. Why are we end up like this? Or I should say I instead of we...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
30th July (afternoon)
Afternoon my mood get better, I start to chat with her again... two different person from the morning... I tried very hard not to talk to her or see her in the morning but I just can't bear it... Whenever she wanted me to give up, I find I had sunk deeper and more determined to win her over... Tuesday night, she had told me that how can a guy be without ambition, everyday just counting the days to pay day.. I am different from them.. Without clearing the issue between her and me, I will not shift my focus back to career... Going after her is like journey to the west, full of obstacles and patience is needed to brave through all the obstacles before getting the sutra... I believe I will success one day...
Evening time stay back at the office again.. I find it funny, this time round, don't know how this job become under my care... but my mood seem good, even she didn't stay back... don't know why... my head keep thinking what stupid excuses she trying to make me give up.. every excuse she give is just exposing her how she is not confident of her current relationship.. I can give her reasons why she should break... The best reason, I am definitely better in the way of treating her.. But if in terms of breaking heart and commit "offence", he is surely better than me....
Now I just waiting for her to online and start our "debate"...
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
How you got me blind is still a mystery
I cant get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
As Long As You Love Me
Evening time stay back at the office again.. I find it funny, this time round, don't know how this job become under my care... but my mood seem good, even she didn't stay back... don't know why... my head keep thinking what stupid excuses she trying to make me give up.. every excuse she give is just exposing her how she is not confident of her current relationship.. I can give her reasons why she should break... The best reason, I am definitely better in the way of treating her.. But if in terms of breaking heart and commit "offence", he is surely better than me....
Now I just waiting for her to online and start our "debate"...
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
How you got me blind is still a mystery
I cant get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
As Long As You Love Me
30th July (morning)
I thought I can express freely in my blog but I never expect it will cause her to think so negative... From now on, I will only post things that are positive. This will be my last post on negative things..
Despite I had put in so much effort and done so much, the word "give up" never seem to leave her mouth. Not sure if she know the word is very disheartening to me... Are "can't bear to see you leave", "feel touched", "a place in her heart", "happy when with you" just words only, does that have significant meaning? If there is, can show me with some action... My blog, sms and action seem like a one way "transmission", or writing my feeling and problem on to a piece of paper and throw into the sea. There is always no response, I never get to know what her "feedback" thinking is. Her only reaction to them end up "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"... Sometime I already can predict her answer... Maybe to her and him, love is only words.. She say she is considering on the relation between three of us... But does I actually stand on the same level as him during the consideration? Where I stand in her heart? If I not wrong, first is family, second him, third friends, follow by work and maybe the last is me... The idea she give me is she can still do anything even when she tired except going out with me.. Only when I really troubled or feeling low, she will offer me a support... or start to show her concern...
Yesterday had a bad day with my manager, he seem to finding faults with me.. Then the kid remind me that I must had "offend" my boss again, that why bad feedback is floating around. I thought she can share my problems but end up between us also got problems. Go back home, my mother also give me problems... I wonder what did I do to deserve this? So many problems and yet in front of others, I still had to 强言欢笑... acting like nothing had happened at all...
男人不坏, 女人不爱... I start to believe it... All his "wrong doing" seem forgivable and acceptable by her.. Her interaction with him also doesn't seem to show a sign of slow down which I known of. Maybe the only way I can take over him is after he committed an offence again. That maybe is also the time where her consideration will have a conclusion. I also slowly understand the phase 自作多情, come to think of it, beside that sunday when I sensed her concern, there is never other times... Most of the time, I had to initial stuff such as when free to meet, and this also subject to if she want to... 尽人事, 听天命, what I can do, I already did... maybe I should stop asking her this and that.. just wait for her to tell me... "也许放弃才能靠近你, 不再想你, 你才会把我记起" maybe this is true.. Her action tell me, in her heart, he is always the first priority... No matter how much effort I put in and what wrong he did as long as it is not breach of agreement, I will never be able to replace him.. 努力的付出不一定会有回报... is really tiring and disappointing when one had really put in a lot of effort and yet there is no sign of positive sign...
Can she tell me all this is wrong? This is what I assume only.. Most importantly, stop giving me "reasons" that she also can't convince herself... I really wonder what drug he had given her, making her to be so forgiving and so "loyal"... Since she so free to think of so many stupid excuses for me to give up, why don't she think of "requirements" on how I can win her over...
Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head
You're the one who set it up now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head
That's Why You Go Away
Despite I had put in so much effort and done so much, the word "give up" never seem to leave her mouth. Not sure if she know the word is very disheartening to me... Are "can't bear to see you leave", "feel touched", "a place in her heart", "happy when with you" just words only, does that have significant meaning? If there is, can show me with some action... My blog, sms and action seem like a one way "transmission", or writing my feeling and problem on to a piece of paper and throw into the sea. There is always no response, I never get to know what her "feedback" thinking is. Her only reaction to them end up "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"... Sometime I already can predict her answer... Maybe to her and him, love is only words.. She say she is considering on the relation between three of us... But does I actually stand on the same level as him during the consideration? Where I stand in her heart? If I not wrong, first is family, second him, third friends, follow by work and maybe the last is me... The idea she give me is she can still do anything even when she tired except going out with me.. Only when I really troubled or feeling low, she will offer me a support... or start to show her concern...
Yesterday had a bad day with my manager, he seem to finding faults with me.. Then the kid remind me that I must had "offend" my boss again, that why bad feedback is floating around. I thought she can share my problems but end up between us also got problems. Go back home, my mother also give me problems... I wonder what did I do to deserve this? So many problems and yet in front of others, I still had to 强言欢笑... acting like nothing had happened at all...
男人不坏, 女人不爱... I start to believe it... All his "wrong doing" seem forgivable and acceptable by her.. Her interaction with him also doesn't seem to show a sign of slow down which I known of. Maybe the only way I can take over him is after he committed an offence again. That maybe is also the time where her consideration will have a conclusion. I also slowly understand the phase 自作多情, come to think of it, beside that sunday when I sensed her concern, there is never other times... Most of the time, I had to initial stuff such as when free to meet, and this also subject to if she want to... 尽人事, 听天命, what I can do, I already did... maybe I should stop asking her this and that.. just wait for her to tell me... "也许放弃才能靠近你, 不再想你, 你才会把我记起" maybe this is true.. Her action tell me, in her heart, he is always the first priority... No matter how much effort I put in and what wrong he did as long as it is not breach of agreement, I will never be able to replace him.. 努力的付出不一定会有回报... is really tiring and disappointing when one had really put in a lot of effort and yet there is no sign of positive sign...
Can she tell me all this is wrong? This is what I assume only.. Most importantly, stop giving me "reasons" that she also can't convince herself... I really wonder what drug he had given her, making her to be so forgiving and so "loyal"... Since she so free to think of so many stupid excuses for me to give up, why don't she think of "requirements" on how I can win her over...
Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head
You're the one who set it up now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head
That's Why You Go Away
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
29th July
Alcohol has been my companion for third consecutive days.. Only after that, I will be able to sleep without waking up in between. Is this the only solution for not to think too much?
I surprise the company I rejected two times looked me up today again... They hinted me that if I crossed over, I can be an account manager.. I just smiled as a reply... Meet the kid for dinner... as usual "debating" with him over career perspective.. I told him do everything he should have an objective.. just like crossing over to the next job, he should know what he want.. Then he asked me why I am still here when I had almost fulfilled the requirement of an account manager.. As I had promised to keep the secret between her and me, I just told him I am not so career minded.. Then he told me he noticed I am different from when he just joined this company, during that time, I was a career driven guy... now I seen like a "slacker".. but can be seen he still don't know what the real reason behind..
I accidentally force and pressurise her for a decision again... I really sorry.. I don't know why I can't keep my cool and patience and do it again.. I had sms her to apologise but she seem to ignore it... What should I do to appease her? I really really very sorry....
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Right Here Waiting
I surprise the company I rejected two times looked me up today again... They hinted me that if I crossed over, I can be an account manager.. I just smiled as a reply... Meet the kid for dinner... as usual "debating" with him over career perspective.. I told him do everything he should have an objective.. just like crossing over to the next job, he should know what he want.. Then he asked me why I am still here when I had almost fulfilled the requirement of an account manager.. As I had promised to keep the secret between her and me, I just told him I am not so career minded.. Then he told me he noticed I am different from when he just joined this company, during that time, I was a career driven guy... now I seen like a "slacker".. but can be seen he still don't know what the real reason behind..
I accidentally force and pressurise her for a decision again... I really sorry.. I don't know why I can't keep my cool and patience and do it again.. I had sms her to apologise but she seem to ignore it... What should I do to appease her? I really really very sorry....
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Right Here Waiting
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
28th July
Stay back inside office till almost 9.. as usual, I am not required to stay but I do it just to accompany her or cover for her if needed... She had a backache today.. wanted her to go back early to rest but she insist on staying... it is because I am staying also??
Receive an offer from my vendor today.. They are going to tender for a site and required experienced personnel to station there... If I were to go over, I might be leading the FM team there with another guy... but nothing seem to attract me except her.. she is just too important to me and I can't bear to leave her... so I decided to reject their offer for the second time...
Alcohol seem to become my companion for the past two nights.. will there be a third time and so on? Alcohol cannot help to solve any troubles but it can help to forget troubles for that moment... Maybe after drinking, I can really don't think too much... How long do I still need to wait? Till he commit an "offence" again? Can I be that patient?
解开我 最神秘的等待
星星坠落 风在吹动
终於再将你拥入怀中
两颗心 颤抖
相信我 不变的真心
千年等待有我承诺
无论经过多少的寒冬
我绝不放手
神话
Receive an offer from my vendor today.. They are going to tender for a site and required experienced personnel to station there... If I were to go over, I might be leading the FM team there with another guy... but nothing seem to attract me except her.. she is just too important to me and I can't bear to leave her... so I decided to reject their offer for the second time...
Alcohol seem to become my companion for the past two nights.. will there be a third time and so on? Alcohol cannot help to solve any troubles but it can help to forget troubles for that moment... Maybe after drinking, I can really don't think too much... How long do I still need to wait? Till he commit an "offence" again? Can I be that patient?
解开我 最神秘的等待
星星坠落 风在吹动
终於再将你拥入怀中
两颗心 颤抖
相信我 不变的真心
千年等待有我承诺
无论经过多少的寒冬
我绝不放手
神话
Monday, July 27, 2009
27th July
Regarding work, I usually full of confidence even when challenging with superior.. But when facing her, my confidence gone down to zero.... A slight "movement" will make me feel insecure.. Just like today, when someone ask her why she only lunch with me alone, I scared that will affect her and shaken her decision... I hope she will not be "shaken" so easily and give in to those "pressure" or others "saying"...
I can understand why she still like him, no matter what, it is still a 2 years relationship.. how will she be able to give it up just overnight? I hope time will fade her feelings for him and replaced it with mine... But she must also learn to slowly let go... Maybe decrease the frequency of contacting with him such as sms, call, meet with him, etc.. I think slowly he will know the meaning and resulted in a peaceful break up... I hope she will summon her "勇气" and work towards it... I will try my very best not to let her regret the decision she made.. I will not repeat his mistake as she is the only girl I will think of... giving her all I can, happiness, blissfulness... sharing with her everything... not letting her to shed a tear of sadness for me... Will she give me a chance to do that?
终于作了这个决定 别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定 我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易 我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃
爱真的需要勇气 来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气 去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里 你的真心
如果我的坚强任性 会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒 我虽然心太急
更害怕错过你
勇气
I can understand why she still like him, no matter what, it is still a 2 years relationship.. how will she be able to give it up just overnight? I hope time will fade her feelings for him and replaced it with mine... But she must also learn to slowly let go... Maybe decrease the frequency of contacting with him such as sms, call, meet with him, etc.. I think slowly he will know the meaning and resulted in a peaceful break up... I hope she will summon her "勇气" and work towards it... I will try my very best not to let her regret the decision she made.. I will not repeat his mistake as she is the only girl I will think of... giving her all I can, happiness, blissfulness... sharing with her everything... not letting her to shed a tear of sadness for me... Will she give me a chance to do that?
终于作了这个决定 别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定 我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易 我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃
爱真的需要勇气 来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气 去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里 你的真心
如果我的坚强任性 会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒 我虽然心太急
更害怕错过你
勇气
Sunday, July 26, 2009
26th July
Went back to office today to normalise back my fire system and put back all those AV equipment that I had dismantled for some refurnishing works.. I also can use this time to escape from the noisy house for a while..
She also went back today... Initially she planned to go home after the works but when I told her I wanted to go walk walk to escape from the noisy house, she agreed to accompany me even she is feeling tired... Maybe I was a "simple" guy, I was touched by her intention, whether will it come true, that another thing... After work completed, we proceed to Vivocity and walk around.. Happy times passed fast.. soon it is time for her to go home for her home cooked dinner.. Wanted to ask her some questions but the questions just can't come out from my mouth... After she board the bus, I decided to sms her the questions "How is she and him?" and "How is the "how ah".. The answer she replied is quite depressing.. I had walked down to the mrt but upon hearing the answer, I went up again to look at the sea... hoping the sea can bring my troubles away... but things just always don't happen as expected... The sea is still, same as my troubles.. She had sms me a few times but I just don't know what to reply... I scare I might caused her as miserable as me.. I already knew that I should not pressure her for a decision again and again but my heart just can't do it... Now I understand how selfish love is.. To give her up, I can't bear to... To continue as it is, I feel insecure, I scare one day she will just go back to him.... What should I do??
Decided to walk back home from there.. The route is so familiar even though it is 3 years back during my 2nd job... During that time, my mood when walking this route is that dreadful feeling.. Maybe it is fated that when I take this route this time, the feeling is similar... don't know what to do.. the difference is this time round, I think she will be there to lead me through the mist.. but I might not accept her offer as I know after this mist, she might disappear and I had to face a thicker mist alone... so why should I let a single problem affecting 2 person in the first place when eventually I am the only one that need to face it... One person miserable is better than two...
也许放弃 才能靠近你
不再见你 你才会把我记起
时间累积 这盛夏的果实
回忆里寂寞的香气
我要试着离开你不要再想你
虽然这并不是我本意
盛夏的果实
Nonsense from home, conflicts, stress from work, issues between me and her, how long can I hold on my strong front in front of others and acting like nothing had happened at all... I think only she know about all my problems as family matters I usually don't revealed to others...
She also went back today... Initially she planned to go home after the works but when I told her I wanted to go walk walk to escape from the noisy house, she agreed to accompany me even she is feeling tired... Maybe I was a "simple" guy, I was touched by her intention, whether will it come true, that another thing... After work completed, we proceed to Vivocity and walk around.. Happy times passed fast.. soon it is time for her to go home for her home cooked dinner.. Wanted to ask her some questions but the questions just can't come out from my mouth... After she board the bus, I decided to sms her the questions "How is she and him?" and "How is the "how ah".. The answer she replied is quite depressing.. I had walked down to the mrt but upon hearing the answer, I went up again to look at the sea... hoping the sea can bring my troubles away... but things just always don't happen as expected... The sea is still, same as my troubles.. She had sms me a few times but I just don't know what to reply... I scare I might caused her as miserable as me.. I already knew that I should not pressure her for a decision again and again but my heart just can't do it... Now I understand how selfish love is.. To give her up, I can't bear to... To continue as it is, I feel insecure, I scare one day she will just go back to him.... What should I do??
Decided to walk back home from there.. The route is so familiar even though it is 3 years back during my 2nd job... During that time, my mood when walking this route is that dreadful feeling.. Maybe it is fated that when I take this route this time, the feeling is similar... don't know what to do.. the difference is this time round, I think she will be there to lead me through the mist.. but I might not accept her offer as I know after this mist, she might disappear and I had to face a thicker mist alone... so why should I let a single problem affecting 2 person in the first place when eventually I am the only one that need to face it... One person miserable is better than two...
也许放弃 才能靠近你
不再见你 你才会把我记起
时间累积 这盛夏的果实
回忆里寂寞的香气
我要试着离开你不要再想你
虽然这并不是我本意
盛夏的果实
Nonsense from home, conflicts, stress from work, issues between me and her, how long can I hold on my strong front in front of others and acting like nothing had happened at all... I think only she know about all my problems as family matters I usually don't revealed to others...
Fear......
Never saw her reply since last night.. When I am unsure of how she are, I will wake up a few times in a night, checking for any sms from her... The only recent night that I sleep well is friday night where I feel a sense of "assurance"...
Suddenly I got a fear that she might choose to give up and stay put as it is.. I still remember friday night she keep asking me "how ah" and her cute expression when speaking "I don't know how to say" in cantonese, this make me feel she is prepared to let go of her current relationship.. Can she please assure me again that she will not give chances to that guy anymore?
Tell me babe, how many do I shed my tears?
EVERY HEART, every heart is not a gentle yet
Shall I do, I can never say my loneliness
EVERY HEART, doesn't know so what to say or what to do
Was afraid of darkness cause I felt that I was left alone
So I prayed for help to distant million stars
Every Heart
Every Heart (English)
Suddenly I got a fear that she might choose to give up and stay put as it is.. I still remember friday night she keep asking me "how ah" and her cute expression when speaking "I don't know how to say" in cantonese, this make me feel she is prepared to let go of her current relationship.. Can she please assure me again that she will not give chances to that guy anymore?
Tell me babe, how many do I shed my tears?
EVERY HEART, every heart is not a gentle yet
Shall I do, I can never say my loneliness
EVERY HEART, doesn't know so what to say or what to do
Was afraid of darkness cause I felt that I was left alone
So I prayed for help to distant million stars
Every Heart
Every Heart (English)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
25th July
An exceptional busy day... 7 vendors at one go but nothing matters me after last night talking.. A 强心针 has been injected into me because I know I got chance :) She commented she is tired due to not enough rest today but somehow I sensed there is still some happiness when she said that.. Maybe is I am too over sensitive, I find her mood today is a bit brighter than in the past.. Is it the effect of our last night conversation?
She is the only girl that I had told about my family issue.. Does that mean in front of her, I can faced her with my true self without putting on any "armor"? I really feel sad for her when she told me her sad stories of him... I don't think this is fair to her.. I regret not knowing her earlier, so I can tide over the sad period with her.. When a guy cannot honor anything to a girl, then don't waste the girl time and saying excuse like it will be changed after getting married.. When he can't do it now, how he can do it in the future..
You ask me how? What should you do? I think my answer is ask you to break with him.. Once you make up your mind, don't think too much, don't turn back, just tell him. Words might be difficult to come out from the mouth, close your eyes and say it like there is nobody around will make it easier. You might need to do some explanation to some parties but no one can blame you as this is your life and eventually it is you that determine it. Letting go can means the ending of a thing but it also means the beginning of another.. The hours before the break of dawn is always the darkest. Once you went past it, you will see the beauty of sunrise... Don't be afraid, I will always be there with you, tiding through every obstacle.. please believe me..
"愿我会查火箭 带你到天空去
在太空中两人住
活到一千岁 都一般心醉
有你在身边多乐趣
共你双双对 好得戚好得意
地塌天崩当间事
就算翻风雨 只需睇到你
似见阳光千万里"
分分钟需要你
She is the only girl that I had told about my family issue.. Does that mean in front of her, I can faced her with my true self without putting on any "armor"? I really feel sad for her when she told me her sad stories of him... I don't think this is fair to her.. I regret not knowing her earlier, so I can tide over the sad period with her.. When a guy cannot honor anything to a girl, then don't waste the girl time and saying excuse like it will be changed after getting married.. When he can't do it now, how he can do it in the future..
You ask me how? What should you do? I think my answer is ask you to break with him.. Once you make up your mind, don't think too much, don't turn back, just tell him. Words might be difficult to come out from the mouth, close your eyes and say it like there is nobody around will make it easier. You might need to do some explanation to some parties but no one can blame you as this is your life and eventually it is you that determine it. Letting go can means the ending of a thing but it also means the beginning of another.. The hours before the break of dawn is always the darkest. Once you went past it, you will see the beauty of sunrise... Don't be afraid, I will always be there with you, tiding through every obstacle.. please believe me..
"愿我会查火箭 带你到天空去
在太空中两人住
活到一千岁 都一般心醉
有你在身边多乐趣
共你双双对 好得戚好得意
地塌天崩当间事
就算翻风雨 只需睇到你
似见阳光千万里"
分分钟需要你
24th July
Today is like election day. In the morning, my vote seem on the low end. Thinking should I just withdraw from the election. At night, it turn out my votes is on the high side, overtaking him. I was so happy..
The dreadful feeling come back to me again after last night msn with her.. The feeling of standing at the crossroad, don't know what to do... Wanted someone to provide me advice but no one is there.. Everything in front seem like a mist, can I really walk through it alone? After doing so much, I still don't know what her thinking and I am getting tired of guessing her thinking and worse, most of the time she said is wrong. With the office conflict and her "issue", I don't know how long I can still hold on... Throughout the whole day, I don't know what should I do or talk to her, so I remain quiet.. She also noticed my strange behavior and asked me am I all right... I keep thinking will my give up really make her feel happy and is this what she truly want? If that is so, I would "fulfill" her wish. As I had said before, the reason why I still at this job is because of her.. so if give up, it will also mean I would leave this job and disappear from her sight so as not to bring back any sad memories.. I am prepared for the night talk and if the worst scenario is to happen, the following monday will be my last day in the office and my leave will be used to cover the whole notice of termination..
At night, I finally know her thinking. My morning initial plan to leave has changed.. She shared with me her story. After listening, I seriously not regretting making my move of letting her know how I feel in the first place.. I will most probably be a more suitable person to her and treat her better than him. To me, I will suggest her to break as the feel is not there anymore. It may pain but is better short term than long term. Summon the courage and tell him the word "break". She might not have the chance to do it again because I will try my very best not to let her say it. She keep told me she don't have an answer but in her heart, I can see she had already make a decision. I guess she just looking for a way to break the news to him. Who know that is what he waiting to hear also.. Haha... I am bad...
For a long long time, I had never feel so happy before. You had added colors to my life and I hope one day, my life will become a master artpiece by you. Even though this is an old phase, but I hope the moment when I can say it to you directly can come sooner. "I LOVE YOU!!"
"Now, I belong to you
From this day until forever,
Just love me tenderly
And I'll give to you every part of me.
Oh, don't ever make me cry
Through long lonely nights without us.
Be always true to me,
Keep this day in your heart eternally."
Lover's Concerto
The dreadful feeling come back to me again after last night msn with her.. The feeling of standing at the crossroad, don't know what to do... Wanted someone to provide me advice but no one is there.. Everything in front seem like a mist, can I really walk through it alone? After doing so much, I still don't know what her thinking and I am getting tired of guessing her thinking and worse, most of the time she said is wrong. With the office conflict and her "issue", I don't know how long I can still hold on... Throughout the whole day, I don't know what should I do or talk to her, so I remain quiet.. She also noticed my strange behavior and asked me am I all right... I keep thinking will my give up really make her feel happy and is this what she truly want? If that is so, I would "fulfill" her wish. As I had said before, the reason why I still at this job is because of her.. so if give up, it will also mean I would leave this job and disappear from her sight so as not to bring back any sad memories.. I am prepared for the night talk and if the worst scenario is to happen, the following monday will be my last day in the office and my leave will be used to cover the whole notice of termination..
At night, I finally know her thinking. My morning initial plan to leave has changed.. She shared with me her story. After listening, I seriously not regretting making my move of letting her know how I feel in the first place.. I will most probably be a more suitable person to her and treat her better than him. To me, I will suggest her to break as the feel is not there anymore. It may pain but is better short term than long term. Summon the courage and tell him the word "break". She might not have the chance to do it again because I will try my very best not to let her say it. She keep told me she don't have an answer but in her heart, I can see she had already make a decision. I guess she just looking for a way to break the news to him. Who know that is what he waiting to hear also.. Haha... I am bad...
For a long long time, I had never feel so happy before. You had added colors to my life and I hope one day, my life will become a master artpiece by you. Even though this is an old phase, but I hope the moment when I can say it to you directly can come sooner. "I LOVE YOU!!"
"Now, I belong to you
From this day until forever,
Just love me tenderly
And I'll give to you every part of me.
Oh, don't ever make me cry
Through long lonely nights without us.
Be always true to me,
Keep this day in your heart eternally."
Lover's Concerto
Thursday, July 23, 2009
23rd July
A packed day today. Helping her to do all the keypress and finally it had completed. Today is also the first time I let my personal feeling into my work when we are chatting over the office chatting system. I told her for her only, I will help and cover her duty...
After last night long msn chat, I seem to know more about her relationship but also unsure of what holding her back at the same time. She told me to give up for a "cannot tell" reason. She say I will not be able to accept her "flaws". But the thing I like in her is not her appearance only. A relationship is full of give and take. I hope my action and feeling will let her know that I am not those superficial type and I am able to accept her "flaws". No one is perfect including me. Love is not only words but also action. I will let my action, care and concern do the talking. No point saying so much. Or act remorseful after doing something that shouldn't happen in the first place. "一次不忠，百次不容". She can give that "vase breaker" chances, tolerate all his nonsenses and let him be away for half a year but can't give me a chance. Is this fair to me? How do she expect me to admit defeat and give up?
"就请你给我多一点点时间
再多一点点问候
不要一切都带走
就请你给我多一点点空间
再多一点点温柔
不要让我如此难受
你这样一个女人 让我欢喜让我忧
让我甘心为了你 付出我所有"
让我欢喜让我忧
After last night long msn chat, I seem to know more about her relationship but also unsure of what holding her back at the same time. She told me to give up for a "cannot tell" reason. She say I will not be able to accept her "flaws". But the thing I like in her is not her appearance only. A relationship is full of give and take. I hope my action and feeling will let her know that I am not those superficial type and I am able to accept her "flaws". No one is perfect including me. Love is not only words but also action. I will let my action, care and concern do the talking. No point saying so much. Or act remorseful after doing something that shouldn't happen in the first place. "一次不忠，百次不容". She can give that "vase breaker" chances, tolerate all his nonsenses and let him be away for half a year but can't give me a chance. Is this fair to me? How do she expect me to admit defeat and give up?
"就请你给我多一点点时间
再多一点点问候
不要一切都带走
就请你给我多一点点空间
再多一点点温柔
不要让我如此难受
你这样一个女人 让我欢喜让我忧
让我甘心为了你 付出我所有"
让我欢喜让我忧
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
22nd July
As days went passed, I get to know more about her... People say "因误会而在一起, 因理解而分开".. But this prove otherwise for me... When I know her more, I sunk deeper for her.. She had told me she worked even later at her previous site.. maybe over there, she had to do everything by herself.. but over here, even when all others don't help her (which don't seem will happen), I will still help her... I heard all her coming weekends will be burnt for office works. If that is going to happen, I will stay throughout with her and clear the works together... even if she planned to go out with him, :( I will still stay back and clear the job for her...
Today she suddenly asked me how is my shutdown preparation.. At that moment, I really very happy, think everything is worthwhile even the preparation is very tedious. I not sure and also don't want to find out what her real intention of asking. I will take it as a concern from her...
At one hand, she persuade me to give up and say her relationship is not as bad as what I think.. At the other hand, she told me she is unhappy and lost trust.... Contradicting but no matter what, I will not give her up and time will prove my love for her... I hope one day she will open her heart and share all her worries, problems and happiness with me..
I think a relationship is just like shopping. When a person went shopping, she may took an apple on first sight, thinking that she will buy it. But along the way, second apple maybe spotted. The second apple might seem to be more suitable to her. There are no rules stating that she need to buy the first apple just because she put it in her trolley. As long as she haven't proceed to the cashier, she still can change it for the second apple. The first apple might not be tastier than the second apple, but why she still insist on getting the first apple, giving it chances hoping it will become tastier? Why can't she just give the second apple a chance even though it is not been spotted in the first place? People might say there maybe third or fourth apple down the road, but if I am the second apple, I will remain fresh and tasty, so she will not think of getting any other apples..
"是你让我看透生命这东西
四个字 坚持到底
如果没有你
我的生活回到一片狼藉
是你让我翻破爱情的秘笈
四个字 坚持到底
不管有多苦
我会全心全力
爱你到底"
坚持到底
Will she be online tonight?? Even though I face her the whole day in office today... It just seem not enough...
Today she suddenly asked me how is my shutdown preparation.. At that moment, I really very happy, think everything is worthwhile even the preparation is very tedious. I not sure and also don't want to find out what her real intention of asking. I will take it as a concern from her...
At one hand, she persuade me to give up and say her relationship is not as bad as what I think.. At the other hand, she told me she is unhappy and lost trust.... Contradicting but no matter what, I will not give her up and time will prove my love for her... I hope one day she will open her heart and share all her worries, problems and happiness with me..
I think a relationship is just like shopping. When a person went shopping, she may took an apple on first sight, thinking that she will buy it. But along the way, second apple maybe spotted. The second apple might seem to be more suitable to her. There are no rules stating that she need to buy the first apple just because she put it in her trolley. As long as she haven't proceed to the cashier, she still can change it for the second apple. The first apple might not be tastier than the second apple, but why she still insist on getting the first apple, giving it chances hoping it will become tastier? Why can't she just give the second apple a chance even though it is not been spotted in the first place? People might say there maybe third or fourth apple down the road, but if I am the second apple, I will remain fresh and tasty, so she will not think of getting any other apples..
"是你让我看透生命这东西
四个字 坚持到底
如果没有你
我的生活回到一片狼藉
是你让我翻破爱情的秘笈
四个字 坚持到底
不管有多苦
我会全心全力
爱你到底"
坚持到底
Will she be online tonight?? Even though I face her the whole day in office today... It just seem not enough...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
21st July
A normal tuesday went past without noticing... Whole day is busy with rearranging keys.. Again is not my job scope... Seeing her busy with her inventory, I decided to help her with the keys rearrangement...
Since letting her know how I feel, I seem like 2 different person in the day and night... During the day, I had to control what I do or say.. During the night, I tend to be more emotional, can say what is in my heart... Is really liking someone is so hard? If I work hard enough, will I get the happiness I striving for? Is what I been doing doesn't show my sincerity? Why every night I keep thinking of her, hoping she will drop me a sms? Why am I always staring at my ceiling, wondering what I should do next? Why can't a chance been present to me just because I came late? Does been early got the entitlement to have her? Why should I been sentenced to death even before trial? Is my feelings and actions fail to touch her? Why I can't just get her out of my heart? Why am I hoping for something that it might not happen at all? Isn't liking someone is suppose to be happy? But why I am more sad than happy? Does he really make a better choice than me? To her, am I really that inferior to him? Is it I really don't stand any chance to shower her with care and concern, take care of her? There are many questions in my heart waiting for an answer but who can answer them? Maybe the answer is he still far better than me :(....
"喔~相信我无悔无求
我愿为你放弃所有
男人不该让女人流泪
至少我尽力而为
喔~相信我别再闪躲
我愿陪你
直到最后
男人不该让女人流泪
至少我尽力而为
相信我"
男人不该让女人流泪
Since letting her know how I feel, I seem like 2 different person in the day and night... During the day, I had to control what I do or say.. During the night, I tend to be more emotional, can say what is in my heart... Is really liking someone is so hard? If I work hard enough, will I get the happiness I striving for? Is what I been doing doesn't show my sincerity? Why every night I keep thinking of her, hoping she will drop me a sms? Why am I always staring at my ceiling, wondering what I should do next? Why can't a chance been present to me just because I came late? Does been early got the entitlement to have her? Why should I been sentenced to death even before trial? Is my feelings and actions fail to touch her? Why I can't just get her out of my heart? Why am I hoping for something that it might not happen at all? Isn't liking someone is suppose to be happy? But why I am more sad than happy? Does he really make a better choice than me? To her, am I really that inferior to him? Is it I really don't stand any chance to shower her with care and concern, take care of her? There are many questions in my heart waiting for an answer but who can answer them? Maybe the answer is he still far better than me :(....
"喔~相信我无悔无求
我愿为你放弃所有
男人不该让女人流泪
至少我尽力而为
喔~相信我别再闪躲
我愿陪你
直到最后
男人不该让女人流泪
至少我尽力而为
相信我"
男人不该让女人流泪
Monday, July 20, 2009
20th July
A busy day due to user move from other site to my site... But early part of the day I not busy with my scope of work... somehow I find by helping others, they will treat me better in return or my "face" value will increase... A good example, if I were to stay, the cleaning supervisor will also stay back with me... maybe due to I always help him out just like helping him to find keys today.. I hope how they treat or give "face" to me, they will also do the same to her... even when I not around..
Since the guy first job, his performance had been quite good.. Within 3 months, he had overtake his colleague to become the building manager and he is also the youngest among the whole team of building managers. With less than 6 month experience, he is been task to handle a 1.3 million A&A project.. He had also become the longest building manager for that particular building as there are many problems with the site.. Imagine a site that change 8 managers in a year... He had managed to solve the problems one by one... During his one and a half stay there, he had done a total of 1.7 million worth of project which is one of the highest in the whole team and not to mentioned all the outstanding problems been solved... but the management say his performance is just satisfactory and no increment or bonus... he quit.... Then he found a short term job which only last for a month...
After which, he found his third job which is doing outsource FM for a investment bank. His role is been switched from total FM to M&E focus.. Without a technical trained background, this job seem to be a challenge to him.. especially when inside a bank, M&E is very critical, advanced and complicated. Everything seem strange to him, his superior only tell him to follow vendor around and handed him a set of drawing to study. He told him anything he don't know, can go and ask him... But the problem is he also not sure what he is suppose to know, so he just learn whatever he could... After 6 months, his superior told him he is transferring back to the main office, there will be someone to cover him but he will be the lead engineer instead of that newcomer.. This cause a fear in him as he scare without his superior around and he is quite inexperienced, he might not be capable to handle the bank front office alone.. Around 1 month later, his superior gone... left only him around.. he learn and work as the time goes by... maybe he is lucky, he managed to overcome one obstacle by another.. completing the task and challenging difficulties from the client, win the support of his vendor.. and eventually overtaking all his same level colleagues in terms of technical knowledge.. become the youngest to handle a site alone.. not only familiar with his site but also another nearby new site... his keen learning has let him to be able to complete the whole power shutdown testing...
Slowly, the site seem to be going on well with him around... Many people including the client managers, say that he got bright future and staying in his current role will only diminish his career prospect.. They told him that a managerial role shouldn't be a problem to him and advise him to move on and he had planned to do so... But when that time is getting closer, a girl was transferred to his site... Initially, that doesn't affect his plan but since don't know when, he start to have feelings for her and drop the idea of career advancement and choose to stay back for her... He also done a lot of things that either he long time doesn't do already or he doesn't do before.. just to let her can have a better working environment and relationship with others...
Base on that guy work performance, he seem to have a bright career.. Maybe others think it is a pity for him to give up, but that guy think otherwise.. when he complete the 1.3 million project, when he overcome every challenge, "traps" set by the client, when he complete the whole power shutdown single handedly, not to mention his vendors.. who is there to share his joy, his achievement? when he face difficulties, who is there to lend him a support? now he finally found the girl and hope she can be the one to share his joy and sorrow... No matter how bright the career, without her, is just dim to him...
People say career is the most important to a guy.. If a guy give up his career advancement because of a girl, what does that mean? How will the girl feel?
"我坚持的 都值得坚持吗
我所相信的 就是真的吗
如果我敢追求 我就敢拥有吗
而如果 都算了 不要呢
或许吧 或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧 或许我太天真了吧"
属于
Since the guy first job, his performance had been quite good.. Within 3 months, he had overtake his colleague to become the building manager and he is also the youngest among the whole team of building managers. With less than 6 month experience, he is been task to handle a 1.3 million A&A project.. He had also become the longest building manager for that particular building as there are many problems with the site.. Imagine a site that change 8 managers in a year... He had managed to solve the problems one by one... During his one and a half stay there, he had done a total of 1.7 million worth of project which is one of the highest in the whole team and not to mentioned all the outstanding problems been solved... but the management say his performance is just satisfactory and no increment or bonus... he quit.... Then he found a short term job which only last for a month...
After which, he found his third job which is doing outsource FM for a investment bank. His role is been switched from total FM to M&E focus.. Without a technical trained background, this job seem to be a challenge to him.. especially when inside a bank, M&E is very critical, advanced and complicated. Everything seem strange to him, his superior only tell him to follow vendor around and handed him a set of drawing to study. He told him anything he don't know, can go and ask him... But the problem is he also not sure what he is suppose to know, so he just learn whatever he could... After 6 months, his superior told him he is transferring back to the main office, there will be someone to cover him but he will be the lead engineer instead of that newcomer.. This cause a fear in him as he scare without his superior around and he is quite inexperienced, he might not be capable to handle the bank front office alone.. Around 1 month later, his superior gone... left only him around.. he learn and work as the time goes by... maybe he is lucky, he managed to overcome one obstacle by another.. completing the task and challenging difficulties from the client, win the support of his vendor.. and eventually overtaking all his same level colleagues in terms of technical knowledge.. become the youngest to handle a site alone.. not only familiar with his site but also another nearby new site... his keen learning has let him to be able to complete the whole power shutdown testing...
Slowly, the site seem to be going on well with him around... Many people including the client managers, say that he got bright future and staying in his current role will only diminish his career prospect.. They told him that a managerial role shouldn't be a problem to him and advise him to move on and he had planned to do so... But when that time is getting closer, a girl was transferred to his site... Initially, that doesn't affect his plan but since don't know when, he start to have feelings for her and drop the idea of career advancement and choose to stay back for her... He also done a lot of things that either he long time doesn't do already or he doesn't do before.. just to let her can have a better working environment and relationship with others...
Base on that guy work performance, he seem to have a bright career.. Maybe others think it is a pity for him to give up, but that guy think otherwise.. when he complete the 1.3 million project, when he overcome every challenge, "traps" set by the client, when he complete the whole power shutdown single handedly, not to mention his vendors.. who is there to share his joy, his achievement? when he face difficulties, who is there to lend him a support? now he finally found the girl and hope she can be the one to share his joy and sorrow... No matter how bright the career, without her, is just dim to him...
People say career is the most important to a guy.. If a guy give up his career advancement because of a girl, what does that mean? How will the girl feel?
"我坚持的 都值得坚持吗
我所相信的 就是真的吗
如果我敢追求 我就敢拥有吗
而如果 都算了 不要呢
或许吧 或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧 或许我太天真了吧"
属于
Sunday, July 19, 2009
19th July
Today is a day of mixed feelings. Initial plan in the morning is to go back office even though I am not really required to do so... because I know she will be back.. Late morning, I had decided not to go back as I had drop the idea of asking her out after work due to this week is quite busy for her and same goes to the next few weeks.. I wanted her to have more rest and do not want to see her over tired.. Then in the early afternoon, due to some reasons, I was back in office.. Since there was a change in plan, I asked her if she want to go out for a walk with me and she agreed.. I was contented for the times with her even it is just only 2 hours... everything seem to be worthwhile including the almost 12 hours of work yesterday..
A thing that make me happy today is when she told me the watch she looking for is for herself and not for him.. :D
"无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问
有一天坏的可能
无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂如此沸腾
为我爱的人"
无条件为你
A thing that make me happy today is when she told me the watch she looking for is for herself and not for him.. :D
"无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问
有一天坏的可能
无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂如此沸腾
为我爱的人"
无条件为你
Saturday, July 18, 2009
18th July
Reached office at 8+, whole office is empty... Thought vendor will be early but they failed to surprise me.. The earliest vendor come at 9+... Maybe I been through all these for "so many" times, this long maintenance work seem normal to me...
Since nothing to do, I turn on my laptop and listen to some songs.. If she is more observant, she will know that all the songs I played is those with special "meaning".. Slowly, one by one vendor came in and I do all the necessary arrangement. I know all these work is not under my duty to take care and she had reminded me of that.. But don't she think it is useless as my mind already set to cover for her? I am extremely happy to know her honest answer from her heart when she told me been with me, she feel happy.. All my efforts seem to be worthwhile.. I don't know how honest her answer is, but I choose to believe it...
Think the "greatest" thing of the day will be I suggested to cover for her during the evening, so she can go ahead with her weekly "appointment" with him.. Why I would do that? Cos I know the feeling of waiting, the feeling of can't be with someone and I know if she miss this "appointment", she will most probably get to see him again in a week's time.. All these will only result in unhappiness... If I let her go, I will be unhappy... If I let her miss the "appointment", she will be unhappy.. I really don't wish to see the latter, so I choose to cover for her.. just let me be the only person to "suffer" rather than two person... That also the reason why I keep persuading her to go off early... The longer she stay and I know she will be meeting him after that, it just make me more depressed....
Tonight got fireworks for NDP, I hope one day I can watch the short beautiful moments with her, just the both of us... maybe there is no maybe at all... I had sms her if she had saw the fireworks with him, she had replied no and asked me what time I left the office.. I choose not to reply as I know this might only affect her tonight mood... Each time she ask me what time I am leaving office today, I hope it is a concern from her and not just for the sake of asking or to feel less guilty.. Please don't feel bad or guilty for what I had done and pity or sympathize me for that...
Tonight is the only night that I feel not to reply your sms or waiting for u to online in msn...
"我不管你用任何眼光看我 我都不会选择放弃
我要坚持到底 忽略那些冷言冷语
爱是如此珍贵 值得我们彼此相信
两颗心才越靠越近
And no one knows
Why I’m into you
Cause you'll never know
what its like to walk in our shoes
没人会懂 是我们的梦
懂再多困难只要牵手 就变得不同
That’s why we'll break through
And I don’t care what they say
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
I wanna be with you
我不在乎怎么做
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
Seems like every day that go by
things are gettin harder
Want to be the one that
give you the whole enchilada
Cause I know what my baby like,
I lean you on that Prada
You ain’t got to match with the shoes
我知道每一次的沟通 就会让我爱你更多
跟一次的拥抱 温暖让我不再怯懦
爱是真实的触摸 美好或相同"
Be With You
Since nothing to do, I turn on my laptop and listen to some songs.. If she is more observant, she will know that all the songs I played is those with special "meaning".. Slowly, one by one vendor came in and I do all the necessary arrangement. I know all these work is not under my duty to take care and she had reminded me of that.. But don't she think it is useless as my mind already set to cover for her? I am extremely happy to know her honest answer from her heart when she told me been with me, she feel happy.. All my efforts seem to be worthwhile.. I don't know how honest her answer is, but I choose to believe it...
Think the "greatest" thing of the day will be I suggested to cover for her during the evening, so she can go ahead with her weekly "appointment" with him.. Why I would do that? Cos I know the feeling of waiting, the feeling of can't be with someone and I know if she miss this "appointment", she will most probably get to see him again in a week's time.. All these will only result in unhappiness... If I let her go, I will be unhappy... If I let her miss the "appointment", she will be unhappy.. I really don't wish to see the latter, so I choose to cover for her.. just let me be the only person to "suffer" rather than two person... That also the reason why I keep persuading her to go off early... The longer she stay and I know she will be meeting him after that, it just make me more depressed....
Tonight got fireworks for NDP, I hope one day I can watch the short beautiful moments with her, just the both of us... maybe there is no maybe at all... I had sms her if she had saw the fireworks with him, she had replied no and asked me what time I left the office.. I choose not to reply as I know this might only affect her tonight mood... Each time she ask me what time I am leaving office today, I hope it is a concern from her and not just for the sake of asking or to feel less guilty.. Please don't feel bad or guilty for what I had done and pity or sympathize me for that...
Tonight is the only night that I feel not to reply your sms or waiting for u to online in msn...
"我不管你用任何眼光看我 我都不会选择放弃
我要坚持到底 忽略那些冷言冷语
爱是如此珍贵 值得我们彼此相信
两颗心才越靠越近
And no one knows
Why I’m into you
Cause you'll never know
what its like to walk in our shoes
没人会懂 是我们的梦
懂再多困难只要牵手 就变得不同
That’s why we'll break through
And I don’t care what they say
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
I wanna be with you
我不在乎怎么做
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
I’m gonna be with you
Seems like every day that go by
things are gettin harder
Want to be the one that
give you the whole enchilada
Cause I know what my baby like,
I lean you on that Prada
You ain’t got to match with the shoes
我知道每一次的沟通 就会让我爱你更多
跟一次的拥抱 温暖让我不再怯懦
爱是真实的触摸 美好或相同"
Be With You
17th July
Not a peaceful day today.. One of the glass inside the office shattered, I believed a person ability can only be shown during emergency or alarms. As I had experienced this before, I can handle the situation calmly... While waiting for the vendor to come and cleared the mess, my security concierge ask me to postphone my plan of throwing letter till the sept shutdown is over.. Although my answer to him is see how, but I already decided to defer my plan till "further notice".. Reason is not because of anything but her...
I thought the night will be ending after dinner when she told me she going to take mrt home.. I wanted to ask her for a drink as it is not easy to be alone with her recently due to "the kid" always so fated to be with us.. But I scare that will make her feel uneasy as I don't know how she will think.. so no choice but to keep quiet and accompany her to mrt.. Luckily upon reaching mrt, she say she wanted to get a drink, then I know the night will be "extend". While drinking at macdonald, we watch and discuss about the drama.. As the aircon is quite cold after some time and she is wearing sleeveless, I suggested to go to the outdoor where it will be warmer. Even though I wanted to continue watching the drama with her but the time is late, so I told her she had to go home after that episode. Don't want to put her in difficult position, I decided not to send her home even though I wanted to..
Tomorrow will be a busy day again.. She is asked to come in the morning but I think she should know that with me around, she can just go for her training and come in the afternoon. And only she has the ability to make me do it for her voluntarily.. So I told her I will cover for her and she agreed.
I really enjoyed the times with her, make me forget all the day problems and doing anything just for that few moments with her is also worthwhile. Human is greedy, now I hoping she isn't meeting "anyone" tomorrow as the work has no fixed completion timing.. but even she meeting "that one", I will also respect her wish and cover for her till the work completed... I can do anything as long as she is happy...
"咖啡麻醉不了孤单 只会让心更烫
哦 都一样 所谓梦想 终究飘飘荡荡
在迷乱的台北流浪 寻找一个幻想
突然很渴望在我身上 找到妳要的靠岸
这一刻 当我们都感觉到彼此的心愿
爱情早已经开始 思念早已经蔓延"
靠岸
I thought the night will be ending after dinner when she told me she going to take mrt home.. I wanted to ask her for a drink as it is not easy to be alone with her recently due to "the kid" always so fated to be with us.. But I scare that will make her feel uneasy as I don't know how she will think.. so no choice but to keep quiet and accompany her to mrt.. Luckily upon reaching mrt, she say she wanted to get a drink, then I know the night will be "extend". While drinking at macdonald, we watch and discuss about the drama.. As the aircon is quite cold after some time and she is wearing sleeveless, I suggested to go to the outdoor where it will be warmer. Even though I wanted to continue watching the drama with her but the time is late, so I told her she had to go home after that episode. Don't want to put her in difficult position, I decided not to send her home even though I wanted to..
Tomorrow will be a busy day again.. She is asked to come in the morning but I think she should know that with me around, she can just go for her training and come in the afternoon. And only she has the ability to make me do it for her voluntarily.. So I told her I will cover for her and she agreed.
I really enjoyed the times with her, make me forget all the day problems and doing anything just for that few moments with her is also worthwhile. Human is greedy, now I hoping she isn't meeting "anyone" tomorrow as the work has no fixed completion timing.. but even she meeting "that one", I will also respect her wish and cover for her till the work completed... I can do anything as long as she is happy...
"咖啡麻醉不了孤单 只会让心更烫
哦 都一样 所谓梦想 终究飘飘荡荡
在迷乱的台北流浪 寻找一个幻想
突然很渴望在我身上 找到妳要的靠岸
这一刻 当我们都感觉到彼此的心愿
爱情早已经开始 思念早已经蔓延"
靠岸
Thursday, July 16, 2009
16th July
Nothing special today.. But been with her, it become like a fruitful day.. Clearing office storeroom today, actually it is not my job but eventually I suggest ideas on how to rearrange and move the stores. I think I really had changed since she arrived here.. I start to become more "helpful" and my working interaction with everyone seem to have improve..
I thought somehow by letting her know how I feel, it will affect our daily working interaction. But surprise it doesn't affect much, still the same as in the past, I hope this will continue...
Maybe really is fate, tomorrow we are meeting for dinner again due to got after office hour work.. I will try my best not to let her feel so bored again... I feel like I get to know her better with everyday went past.. I will keep my promise and wait for her till the day I can moved her heart..
Found a song that can really describe my feeling at the moment..
"Let's fall in love 她却不晓得
我每一分钟都等着 她这样承诺
Let's fall in love 在匆忙人世中
我从来没怀疑过 这样一个选择
她微笑诉说 心中想些什么
我多么希望她能够 其中提到我
Let's fall in love 她还不晓得
在她眼中我的脸 是多么的失落
Let's fall in love 在拥挤的寂寞中
哪一天她会开口 说
Let's fall in love"
Let's fall in love
I thought somehow by letting her know how I feel, it will affect our daily working interaction. But surprise it doesn't affect much, still the same as in the past, I hope this will continue...
Maybe really is fate, tomorrow we are meeting for dinner again due to got after office hour work.. I will try my best not to let her feel so bored again... I feel like I get to know her better with everyday went past.. I will keep my promise and wait for her till the day I can moved her heart..
Found a song that can really describe my feeling at the moment..
"Let's fall in love 她却不晓得
我每一分钟都等着 她这样承诺
Let's fall in love 在匆忙人世中
我从来没怀疑过 这样一个选择
她微笑诉说 心中想些什么
我多么希望她能够 其中提到我
Let's fall in love 她还不晓得
在她眼中我的脸 是多么的失落
Let's fall in love 在拥挤的寂寞中
哪一天她会开口 说
Let's fall in love"
Let's fall in love
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
15th July
First day back to work.. seem like quite a long break when it is only 7 days... Whole morning busy clearing email and outstanding work.. But it is better than reservist...
Finally got the chance to lunch with her again.. Maybe our conversation has bored her, she seem rather quiet and bored throughout the whole lunch... wanted to change topic so she can involve, but I failed to do so... :( After lunch, as usual, we go walk walk and while waiting for my shift engineer to queue for some phone enquires, me and her sit down there and watch tvb drama.. I really hope this can last forever, sharing our view on the drama and occasionally, seeing her getting over excited over the drama... But happy times don't last, soon we are back to office..
Not long after, is time to knock off and again can go walk walk with her. We decided to walk to Marina Square for dinner.. Along the way, we passed by Mango shop, I guessed she will go in to take a look after dinner and I am correct. Wanted to accompany her to go in but as my shift engineer is around, I don't want her to feel awkward, so I waited outside for her. Then we go for a drink at Suntec.. All the while she just listened to our conversation.. I wanted to talk to her but guessed she doesn't want "others" to be suspicious, so I just have to carry on the conversation... Then her phone ring, first thought is that "someone" call her, then ask her if she want to go somewhere.. My heart is like suspending in the air.. Then luckily she reject... My mood lighten up but dampen again when I saw her look tired and trying to "endure" through the night... Throughout the whole night, I tried to hold back in many instances just not to arouse any suspicion...
Maybe is fate.. suddenly the next few weekends is full of maintenance works.. does that mean we will have more time together?
"是你在那个雨季冲进我生命 带着一点任信和迷人的表情
是你在那个雨季赶走了孤寂 温暖的笑容还我仅有的坚定
天上一万颗星星 我却只看见你
要说这是幸运 还是不可思议
身边有太多风景 我却停在这里
说我傻得可以 还不是因为你
是你的声音 带给我勇气
恋爱的频率 直到我心底
如果你愿意 是的我愿意
爱在我幸福的主旋律"
愛的主旋律
Finally got the chance to lunch with her again.. Maybe our conversation has bored her, she seem rather quiet and bored throughout the whole lunch... wanted to change topic so she can involve, but I failed to do so... :( After lunch, as usual, we go walk walk and while waiting for my shift engineer to queue for some phone enquires, me and her sit down there and watch tvb drama.. I really hope this can last forever, sharing our view on the drama and occasionally, seeing her getting over excited over the drama... But happy times don't last, soon we are back to office..
Not long after, is time to knock off and again can go walk walk with her. We decided to walk to Marina Square for dinner.. Along the way, we passed by Mango shop, I guessed she will go in to take a look after dinner and I am correct. Wanted to accompany her to go in but as my shift engineer is around, I don't want her to feel awkward, so I waited outside for her. Then we go for a drink at Suntec.. All the while she just listened to our conversation.. I wanted to talk to her but guessed she doesn't want "others" to be suspicious, so I just have to carry on the conversation... Then her phone ring, first thought is that "someone" call her, then ask her if she want to go somewhere.. My heart is like suspending in the air.. Then luckily she reject... My mood lighten up but dampen again when I saw her look tired and trying to "endure" through the night... Throughout the whole night, I tried to hold back in many instances just not to arouse any suspicion...
Maybe is fate.. suddenly the next few weekends is full of maintenance works.. does that mean we will have more time together?
"是你在那个雨季冲进我生命 带着一点任信和迷人的表情
是你在那个雨季赶走了孤寂 温暖的笑容还我仅有的坚定
天上一万颗星星 我却只看见你
要说这是幸运 还是不可思议
身边有太多风景 我却停在这里
说我傻得可以 还不是因为你
是你的声音 带给我勇气
恋爱的频率 直到我心底
如果你愿意 是的我愿意
爱在我幸福的主旋律"
愛的主旋律
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