Sunday, October 11, 2009
Heartless....
She had said she is not feeling well... I wonder had she recovered... I think by "ignoring" her, she might feel better... Since she had the decision, I will be "heartless" and not to sway her decision again... Wanted to sms her a few times but I don't think I should do that... The magic show tonight is great, wanted to remind her to watch but I think this will "weaken my stand", so I hold back in the end.... I should not disturb her anymore and face everything myself...
Counting down.....
Finally.... I can say finally... After so much, I had decided not to be the "foolish" guy to wait anymore.... Getting too tired with no result after so much effort been put in.... This blog will not be like last time that will be updated daily... From now on, I will updated as when I feel like it....
Surprisingly, when she told me the answer is him again, I am not as sad as I had thought of... I know no matter how much effort, concern I put in, how much I love her, how unbearing, I still can't replace him... If in the past, I will reluctant to let go and continue to persist... But this time, I can accept it so readily... Maybe I understand "not to persist something I had lost or that is not meant for me in the first place".. Since she think he is the "better" and more suitable guy, then fine with me...
I had "suppress" myself for so long, if all this had not happened, I will already been in a management role... I miss the chance to work under her boss 1-2 years back... If I had taken that chance, I believe I can learn much more and by now, my experience is of another level...
Her boss had expected me to have some decision but she never expected I will made a decision so fast... Maybe after so much people had leave recently had made her "see openly"... Maybe it will not be long that after my leaving will be hers... She is tired after staying in this environment for so long and don't intend to stay any longer especially of this switching over incident... But I surprise she asked me to take over her role... She had think too high of me as I know I still not qualified enough... I didn't know that I am so "hot favorite", a few others had said they don't mind working under me after their current boss left... Does that mean I can be their number 2 boss? Haha.... Even my own engineering boss had "release news" to outside vendor not to "touch" me... I thought he had "condemn" me... I never know I still got some "value" to him...
I said before "当两个人的关系不一样，谁也不许要再迁就谁".. From now on, when things doesn't concern me, taking in my hands is a privilege, not an entitlement... I really want to see how things will become if me or her boss didn't interfere... Will the office be turn upside down or will it be as smooth? Only time will tells...
The below song is been kept in this blog since 5th August... Never got a chance to upload till today... I still remember 8th August is the "first" time me and her decided to go separate ways after I asked her for her decision and she answered he is very important to her... After that, there seem to be chance that we might be together but never know in the end, her answer is still the same... I guess she will not remember that this song is also been played at a shop when we go Illuma on 19th June... So fast is almost 4 months had passed with so many happy and unhappy times in between... time to move on... no point waiting for something
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)
Dreaming Of You
Surprisingly, when she told me the answer is him again, I am not as sad as I had thought of... I know no matter how much effort, concern I put in, how much I love her, how unbearing, I still can't replace him... If in the past, I will reluctant to let go and continue to persist... But this time, I can accept it so readily... Maybe I understand "not to persist something I had lost or that is not meant for me in the first place".. Since she think he is the "better" and more suitable guy, then fine with me...
I had "suppress" myself for so long, if all this had not happened, I will already been in a management role... I miss the chance to work under her boss 1-2 years back... If I had taken that chance, I believe I can learn much more and by now, my experience is of another level...
Her boss had expected me to have some decision but she never expected I will made a decision so fast... Maybe after so much people had leave recently had made her "see openly"... Maybe it will not be long that after my leaving will be hers... She is tired after staying in this environment for so long and don't intend to stay any longer especially of this switching over incident... But I surprise she asked me to take over her role... She had think too high of me as I know I still not qualified enough... I didn't know that I am so "hot favorite", a few others had said they don't mind working under me after their current boss left... Does that mean I can be their number 2 boss? Haha.... Even my own engineering boss had "release news" to outside vendor not to "touch" me... I thought he had "condemn" me... I never know I still got some "value" to him...
I said before "当两个人的关系不一样，谁也不许要再迁就谁".. From now on, when things doesn't concern me, taking in my hands is a privilege, not an entitlement... I really want to see how things will become if me or her boss didn't interfere... Will the office be turn upside down or will it be as smooth? Only time will tells...
The below song is been kept in this blog since 5th August... Never got a chance to upload till today... I still remember 8th August is the "first" time me and her decided to go separate ways after I asked her for her decision and she answered he is very important to her... After that, there seem to be chance that we might be together but never know in the end, her answer is still the same... I guess she will not remember that this song is also been played at a shop when we go Illuma on 19th June... So fast is almost 4 months had passed with so many happy and unhappy times in between... time to move on... no point waiting for something
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)
Dreaming Of You
a post that came late...
A post that is meant to be uploaded on 6th September 2009..... I thought it will just remain as a draft and never meant to be uploaded... but in the end, it is meant to upload later and not never....
再见
我怕我没有机会
跟你说一声再见
因为也许就再也见不到你
明天我要离开
熟悉的地方和你
要分离我眼泪就掉下去
我会牢牢记住你的脸
我会珍惜你给的思念
这些日子在我心中永远都不会抹去
我不能答应你
我是否会再回来
不回头
不回头的走下去
再见
我怕我没有机会
跟你说一声再见
因为也许就再也见不到你
明天我要离开
熟悉的地方和你
要分离我眼泪就掉下去
我会牢牢记住你的脸
我会珍惜你给的思念
这些日子在我心中永远都不会抹去
我不能答应你
我是否会再回来
不回头
不回头的走下去
Saturday, October 10, 2009
一个人的精彩
那天醒来忽然想开
不愿再做等待的女孩
拿掉戒指扎起马尾
开始不再想你姿态
接受无奈承认失败
她才是你的爱
寂寞伴随自由色彩
迎面来
头发甩甩大步的走开
不怜悯心底小小悲哀
挥手bye-bye 祝你们愉快
我会
一个人活得精彩
也许明天我会选择
自己旅行不轻易恋爱
也许明天我会遇见
比你更适合的男孩
接受爱情自有安排
谁才是我的爱
不愿再做等待的女孩
拿掉戒指扎起马尾
开始不再想你姿态
接受无奈承认失败
她才是你的爱
寂寞伴随自由色彩
迎面来
头发甩甩大步的走开
不怜悯心底小小悲哀
挥手bye-bye 祝你们愉快
我会
一个人活得精彩
也许明天我会选择
自己旅行不轻易恋爱
也许明天我会遇见
比你更适合的男孩
接受爱情自有安排
谁才是我的爱
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finally.......
I thought today will be different but turn out is still the same, still nothing from her... I am tired... I had given her a lot chances, delaying my plans again and again... I guess I should wake up by now after numerous times of disappointment and hurt. Since he is the one that she feel is more suitable for her, I will respect her decision. From now on, I will not pressure her again... She is "free" to do anything she want... This blog most probably will be drawing it curtain soon...
No matter how unbearing or sad, I will not show it in front of anyone. I never thought that "the time" will come so soon. Initial plan is end of the year but maybe the recent happening "trigger" me to bring forward. To give up my 13th month which is coming in Dec, I never imagine I am so "noble"... As what her boss and others had told me, my future doesn't end here. Thinking back, a 40% increment in switching to this job and another 40% in 3 years here, this should prove my ability...
Partly why I like water so much is because I am just the same as it. Water can float a boat but it can also sunk it... I can put in 101% effort but I also can don't put in at all. All is depend if I see is it worthwhile. I believe as what her boss say "no one is indispensable" but to a certain extend, it will cause a certain "disruption" and earth will seem to be turning slower than usual.
Anyway, a few of the core team members are getting tired over here, maybe is time we go separately to search for greener pasture. What I am going to do everyday is to count the days till the final day come...
No matter how unbearing or sad, I will not show it in front of anyone. I never thought that "the time" will come so soon. Initial plan is end of the year but maybe the recent happening "trigger" me to bring forward. To give up my 13th month which is coming in Dec, I never imagine I am so "noble"... As what her boss and others had told me, my future doesn't end here. Thinking back, a 40% increment in switching to this job and another 40% in 3 years here, this should prove my ability...
Partly why I like water so much is because I am just the same as it. Water can float a boat but it can also sunk it... I can put in 101% effort but I also can don't put in at all. All is depend if I see is it worthwhile. I believe as what her boss say "no one is indispensable" but to a certain extend, it will cause a certain "disruption" and earth will seem to be turning slower than usual.
Anyway, a few of the core team members are getting tired over here, maybe is time we go separately to search for greener pasture. What I am going to do everyday is to count the days till the final day come...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tired.......
By now, I guess you should know I had fail to tender again. I don't know you are happy or sad to hear this. I am really not bluffing you. I had consider tendering. Then your boss sms me and somehow it had "pull" me back.
Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?
I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?
I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?
I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...
As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.
Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....
Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?
I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?
I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?
I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...
As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.
Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Should I leave?
1 more day to her graduation. She must be very happy. Finally the day has come. As her boyfriend, I think he will be there to spend the memorable moment with her, presenting her flowers, arrange a venue for dinner to celebrate... That what I will do but sadly, I don't have the chance...
My hopeless seem to be increasing with the days went past... What should I do? Have I lost already? I don't know why but I just can't "tolerate" she and him still going on fine... Am I really can't replace him? If there is any difficulties or hardship, she can just tell me, I will face it with her...
Funny... Recently got people ask me to go clubbing. Not only one but two and is girls somemore... But I rejected. If it is she that asked, I will surely say yes. Don't know why, I find it pointless to do anything except with her around.
I feel the time has come... Got a feeling to tender today after I saw her and him still sms-ing... To me, she don't have the intention of giving him up... For me to make a decision is difficult, as my next job is an unknown. But for her to make a decision is not that hard, when she leave him, there is a "better" guy waiting for her. I just don't understand why....
My hopeless seem to be increasing with the days went past... What should I do? Have I lost already? I don't know why but I just can't "tolerate" she and him still going on fine... Am I really can't replace him? If there is any difficulties or hardship, she can just tell me, I will face it with her...
Funny... Recently got people ask me to go clubbing. Not only one but two and is girls somemore... But I rejected. If it is she that asked, I will surely say yes. Don't know why, I find it pointless to do anything except with her around.
I feel the time has come... Got a feeling to tender today after I saw her and him still sms-ing... To me, she don't have the intention of giving him up... For me to make a decision is difficult, as my next job is an unknown. But for her to make a decision is not that hard, when she leave him, there is a "better" guy waiting for her. I just don't understand why....
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
6th October
Feeling very different when waking up this morning. Not only I don't want to wake up but I hope this sleep can be forever. Maybe the daily event already make me very tired and I can't find any objective in carrying on this routine. As more time went past, I start to realise there are getting more that I can't understand. I don't know what I doing is correct or wrong. Why others without putting in much effort can get what they want? Why others not better than me can command better things? Why human are so complicated? Is only when gone then the truth will be out or it is never meant to be make known? Is getting what I want really so hard? Is it unachieveble no matter how hard I work towards it?
I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...
Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...
You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?
Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.
I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.
I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?
I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...
Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...
You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?
Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.
I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.
I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?
Monday, October 5, 2009
5th October
Is Monday again.... The beginning of the week is usually seem long especially when I am not looking forward to anything.. Maybe subconscious I already know we can't be together.... I just deceiving myself that I still got chance while waiting for the time to come.. Is that really the fact? Only she has the answer....
I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...
Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??
I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...
Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??
Sunday, October 4, 2009
29th August letter...
I had "accidentally" come across the soft copy of the letter that I had given you on 29th August.. I decided to upload it since it is also part of our memories... Maybe the original copy is already "long gone" from this world...
and the tickets....
and the tickets....
4th October, depress...
I had been thinking for the whole night... But I still can't understand why... You had said you are considering but are you really doing that or you just want to "delay" the issue.. Your consideration is getting too long... I believed weekdays after work, you are tired to think about it. Weekends after going out with him, you stayed at his house and I assume you also can't think about it.. So when can you think about it? Is having my accompany on weekdays and him on weekends what you hoping for? What is so attractive at his house? Is it as classy as a Ritz Carlton president suite? If not, why you always need to stay overnight at there? You always told me he is not as bad as what I had think.. But you didn't tell me how good he is, maybe I have no right to know also.. I asked you several times why you can't leave him and what is holding you or your consideration, you just told me you still love him.. Is love the only reason? Don't you consider other factors beside love? Can you survive base on love only? You told you can't go without a job and I don't know what is your family situation. Is true we can't go without money but money is not everything also. Don't forgo other stuff because of money.. He might be better than me in terms of financial but doesn't mean I can't earn it to provide a better life for you... Is just at this current moment, I don't wish to switch job because of money.. I ask you for any other reasons for not breaking, I don't remember you telling me any.. So does that mean you believe your love for him will be everlasting? You will stay with him throughout as long as you still love him? Now you say you can't leave him because you still love him.. When he commit another offence, you say you will leave him but you still love him.. Doesn't that make any sense? Since you can still so love him after the first offence, why can't you do that for the second or even the third time? The moment you trust a person wholeheartedly, even the lies and bad, you will also can't see it.. You always say he is happy when with you and you can't sense any unhappiness.. This is what you think only... When he unhappy, does he need to put the word on his forehead? If he stop you from going to shopping and with your friends, will you be happy? When you considering whether to breakup, I think you only assume how sad he will be, the disappointment and hurt you will be giving him, the past happy memories of you and him will be gone, how good he had treat you... But you never think how hurt he had given you during the first offence, the disappointment he given you during your birthday or during normal times, his character and interest that you don't like.. And you never think for me if you were still to be with him... How sad I will be after so much more effort been put in than him, how hurt I will be, all the happy moments with me...
Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..
You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...
You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?
Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...
You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....
You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?
When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...
I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..
This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...
Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..
You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...
You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?
Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...
You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....
You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?
When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...
I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..
This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
3rd October, mixed feeling...
Saturday, as usual, a busy day for me. But today most of the work is not mine. I am just helping her boss to supervise some works. Suddenly she asked me is my CV ready and might want it anytime and we talk about the "hot" topic again. When I ask her how she see the chances of staying, I surprise that her daily "behavior" is a contrast to her answer. She can still be so "normal"... I think others will not expect this answer if didn't ask her. At that moment, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Happy cause everything finally come to an end. Sad cause I really unbear to let go. She also admit that our working pattern is similar and if I want to go further than her, I should have some "changes" different from her. She also guide me how to be a "good" manager.
Even though changing desk arms is tiring, but this is one of the time when we show working as a team. Maybe this scenario will be ending soon. It hard to find manager that will "hands on" with her team. I like to work in such a team, work, eat, enjoy together. Just like today, after changing the arms, eat lunch, enjoy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Will we be eating mooncake together next year again? Recently she seem to have keen interest in my love life, always ask me this and that especially when I mention girls name. How I wish I can tell her "she" is the one I like. But I know there is no chance to do that. I guess she somehow know only me and her will do certain things and she ask me to go back early today, don't stay back for "extra" work. She rather "others" to come back tomorrow to do it. She once told me she really appreciated for the "extra" work I done and assisting her. Maybe that why me is closer to her than her own team members. Due to the appointment, there a limit she can let me involve. If she "rope" me in too many issue, it may show unfair to others. But I think if given a chance, my ability shouldn't be a problem to do all that.
I didn't deliberately ignore her today but I just don't know what to say to her. She sms me if I am still in office when all the work almost finish. After I replied, she didn't reply again.. Why she asked? Nothing to do or for the sake of asking? I thought she will talk to me today but she just remained quiet. Since she like pure silence, then let it be. I think she is meeting him out tonight, most probably overnight at his house again. Haiz... After so much up and down, she still be with him, what can I say anymore?
Tonight pass by Fort Canning again. Memories of we going to concert flood my head. So coincidence, I am eating sushi for dinner, same as that night. But I guess no more next time based on her feeling for him. She can still like him so much after the "flirting" incident, clubbing character and disappointing answer. Seem like I have to accept reality, I can't make her choose me... Once wind blow, it can't return back to it original position...
Seem like my guess is right... She just sms me good night but when I say she is at his house, she don't want to reply back... I think that is the silent admit.. But since she already have his accompany, why still want to sms me good night? What she really wants? Maybe he might be "不爽" after knowing my existence and her feelings for me.. But his 不爽 is regarding what? He jealous due to his feeling for her or he can't accept the fact that his girlfriend had another guy in her heart and make him "loss face"? He might also can accept a 2 timer girlfriend but I definitely cannot... Either she break, or I leave..... But is just a matter of time I leave after talking to her boss today... I can't find a reason to stay since she choose him...
Even though changing desk arms is tiring, but this is one of the time when we show working as a team. Maybe this scenario will be ending soon. It hard to find manager that will "hands on" with her team. I like to work in such a team, work, eat, enjoy together. Just like today, after changing the arms, eat lunch, enjoy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Will we be eating mooncake together next year again? Recently she seem to have keen interest in my love life, always ask me this and that especially when I mention girls name. How I wish I can tell her "she" is the one I like. But I know there is no chance to do that. I guess she somehow know only me and her will do certain things and she ask me to go back early today, don't stay back for "extra" work. She rather "others" to come back tomorrow to do it. She once told me she really appreciated for the "extra" work I done and assisting her. Maybe that why me is closer to her than her own team members. Due to the appointment, there a limit she can let me involve. If she "rope" me in too many issue, it may show unfair to others. But I think if given a chance, my ability shouldn't be a problem to do all that.
I didn't deliberately ignore her today but I just don't know what to say to her. She sms me if I am still in office when all the work almost finish. After I replied, she didn't reply again.. Why she asked? Nothing to do or for the sake of asking? I thought she will talk to me today but she just remained quiet. Since she like pure silence, then let it be. I think she is meeting him out tonight, most probably overnight at his house again. Haiz... After so much up and down, she still be with him, what can I say anymore?
Tonight pass by Fort Canning again. Memories of we going to concert flood my head. So coincidence, I am eating sushi for dinner, same as that night. But I guess no more next time based on her feeling for him. She can still like him so much after the "flirting" incident, clubbing character and disappointing answer. Seem like I have to accept reality, I can't make her choose me... Once wind blow, it can't return back to it original position...
Seem like my guess is right... She just sms me good night but when I say she is at his house, she don't want to reply back... I think that is the silent admit.. But since she already have his accompany, why still want to sms me good night? What she really wants? Maybe he might be "不爽" after knowing my existence and her feelings for me.. But his 不爽 is regarding what? He jealous due to his feeling for her or he can't accept the fact that his girlfriend had another guy in her heart and make him "loss face"? He might also can accept a 2 timer girlfriend but I definitely cannot... Either she break, or I leave..... But is just a matter of time I leave after talking to her boss today... I can't find a reason to stay since she choose him...
3rd October, sad...
Mid autumn festival today.. 但愿人长久，千里共嫦娟. She and him will be together to celebrate this festival for couple...
Maybe I too understand you, I know you will still have no answer (or I rather say be with him), I had already start my "plan" as per your boss "advice" which I didn't told you yesterday. I am just waiting for the time to come... Even though I expected your outcome, but I still want to deceive myself that after this 2 weeks, your thinking is different and you and him is already on "breakup" mood and ready to break at any moment. I just refuse to accept the fact that you 2 still going on as normal. You keep saying I shouldn't fall for you but isn't it too late to say now. The fact now is I like you and you also like me.
You say he will be sad when breakup but you also agree I put in more effort than him despite the shorter time duration. You know I will be more sad than him if I let you go? You say you like him that why you can't let go, but you also like me and you can let me go? I know changing your thinking is hard and if not been forced, you will not bother. I think the answer is with him, if he can't initiate breakup, you will just stay with him. Sad to say, I can't wait for so long. If you don't want to leave him, I have no choice but accept. I will leave when the time comes.
Maybe is fate, after last night talking, today your boss and me will be alone in the morning, I think we will discuss on the "hot" topic again... To you, the new company coming in now is a disaster. To me, it might be a blessing in disguise, putting an end to everything. I think your unbearing when me and your boss or even your admin support leaving is just those "normal" type. I guess I had read too much into it, thinking your unbearing to me will be more than the other 2. No matter how sad or unbearing, I still had to let go, right?
Maybe I too understand you, I know you will still have no answer (or I rather say be with him), I had already start my "plan" as per your boss "advice" which I didn't told you yesterday. I am just waiting for the time to come... Even though I expected your outcome, but I still want to deceive myself that after this 2 weeks, your thinking is different and you and him is already on "breakup" mood and ready to break at any moment. I just refuse to accept the fact that you 2 still going on as normal. You keep saying I shouldn't fall for you but isn't it too late to say now. The fact now is I like you and you also like me.
You say he will be sad when breakup but you also agree I put in more effort than him despite the shorter time duration. You know I will be more sad than him if I let you go? You say you like him that why you can't let go, but you also like me and you can let me go? I know changing your thinking is hard and if not been forced, you will not bother. I think the answer is with him, if he can't initiate breakup, you will just stay with him. Sad to say, I can't wait for so long. If you don't want to leave him, I have no choice but accept. I will leave when the time comes.
Maybe is fate, after last night talking, today your boss and me will be alone in the morning, I think we will discuss on the "hot" topic again... To you, the new company coming in now is a disaster. To me, it might be a blessing in disguise, putting an end to everything. I think your unbearing when me and your boss or even your admin support leaving is just those "normal" type. I guess I had read too much into it, thinking your unbearing to me will be more than the other 2. No matter how sad or unbearing, I still had to let go, right?
2nd October
Today shall be a busy day due to tonight event. Today is also her boss birthday. Somehow I think she also feel that we will be having a "party" for her, just that she don't know the timing.
She offered to queue with me to buy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Is there any "meaning" or am I thinking too much again? Anyway I am buying for her and her boss, the 2 most "important" person in my workplace.
After everything is almost 10pm, as we are waiting, I start to leak some of her boss consideration and one of the plans we intend to do. I not threatening her but just to remind her time left isn't that long. As what I had expected, she still can't give me an answer but the ending didn't end as bad as last time.
I know you will be reading this blog. I can PROMISE you are one and only in my heart. I will not go out and "play". I wanted to tell you "我非常非常喜欢你". Why I want to send good night and morning sms everyday is because I really hope you can let go and be my girlfriend before the D-day comes. I don't want to take cab below ORQ is because I want to be with you longer. I really can't the feeling of been apart from you. But I give up once you say you are in pain. My love for you will definitely be more than him. I know he some time doesn't mean what he want, but if can agree to break up means to certain extend, he actually don't mind. How can a guy be unhappy with a girl accompanying him? But I think he will be happier with girls and buddies at the same time. If a better girl approach him now, you think he will reject or accept her? He will tell you to break up and come to me. Your 喜欢 for him can actually be replace by 喜欢 for me, just that you don't want to try. How long can your 喜欢 last? I guess his 喜欢 for you is getting lesser when time goes. Even you also agree you can't trust him as much now. Just think of how he break your heart that time, maybe you can bring yourself to take the first step. How can a guy don't mind his girlfriend got another guy in her heart?
Enough of him.. If I were to leave, I know I will be very miserable and sad. I really very 舍不得 you. I think you will feel the same too. I think my tears will drop on my last day as I know once I step out of ORQ, there will be no return. Do you really want that to happen? I can promise I will try my best to be the only guy in your life. No other girls will ever able to overtake your place in my heart. I may like drinking in the past but now I only drink occasionally, that why just now I don't even want to touch 1 drop and I will not say is because of you. I want to let you know is not you "forced" me but is I do it willingly. You will not regret for been with me. You will have a more attentive, considerate, caring, filial boyfriend that can help you in whatever ways. I hope you can really break with him but if you just because of 喜欢 and don't want to break, that fine. I will try harder till the day I left. I think you will feel more sad than leaving him by that time. I know no matter what I say is nothing. Your no reply will eventually lead to 1 thing, I LEAVE. I know you are tired now. Good night.
She offered to queue with me to buy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Is there any "meaning" or am I thinking too much again? Anyway I am buying for her and her boss, the 2 most "important" person in my workplace.
After everything is almost 10pm, as we are waiting, I start to leak some of her boss consideration and one of the plans we intend to do. I not threatening her but just to remind her time left isn't that long. As what I had expected, she still can't give me an answer but the ending didn't end as bad as last time.
I know you will be reading this blog. I can PROMISE you are one and only in my heart. I will not go out and "play". I wanted to tell you "我非常非常喜欢你". Why I want to send good night and morning sms everyday is because I really hope you can let go and be my girlfriend before the D-day comes. I don't want to take cab below ORQ is because I want to be with you longer. I really can't the feeling of been apart from you. But I give up once you say you are in pain. My love for you will definitely be more than him. I know he some time doesn't mean what he want, but if can agree to break up means to certain extend, he actually don't mind. How can a guy be unhappy with a girl accompanying him? But I think he will be happier with girls and buddies at the same time. If a better girl approach him now, you think he will reject or accept her? He will tell you to break up and come to me. Your 喜欢 for him can actually be replace by 喜欢 for me, just that you don't want to try. How long can your 喜欢 last? I guess his 喜欢 for you is getting lesser when time goes. Even you also agree you can't trust him as much now. Just think of how he break your heart that time, maybe you can bring yourself to take the first step. How can a guy don't mind his girlfriend got another guy in her heart?
Enough of him.. If I were to leave, I know I will be very miserable and sad. I really very 舍不得 you. I think you will feel the same too. I think my tears will drop on my last day as I know once I step out of ORQ, there will be no return. Do you really want that to happen? I can promise I will try my best to be the only guy in your life. No other girls will ever able to overtake your place in my heart. I may like drinking in the past but now I only drink occasionally, that why just now I don't even want to touch 1 drop and I will not say is because of you. I want to let you know is not you "forced" me but is I do it willingly. You will not regret for been with me. You will have a more attentive, considerate, caring, filial boyfriend that can help you in whatever ways. I hope you can really break with him but if you just because of 喜欢 and don't want to break, that fine. I will try harder till the day I left. I think you will feel more sad than leaving him by that time. I know no matter what I say is nothing. Your no reply will eventually lead to 1 thing, I LEAVE. I know you are tired now. Good night.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Children Day..
Today is children day, it is so good to be them. No need to bother and think so much like adults..
So fast it has been 1 week since we went to the F1 rocks concert. The memories of that night is still deeply in my mind. Is it also the same for her?
She seem to feel sad if her boss and I were to leave. She already feel like this as she just come for a few months. What about me? Me and her boss are the only ones that has been around since day one of this site. 天底下没有不散的宴席. But I will stay with her throughout if she give me a chance. I will never leave her no matter what. I will delay the situation of her boss and me leaving as long as possible. Is breaking up with him really so hard for her? I wanted to ask her how she is going to spend the mid autumn festival, with him or her family? Should I ask? I wish I can spend it with her but I already been "booked" for family dinner.
I wonder how often does she read my blog... Does she know how I feel? Can she just accept me? Can she just let go everything and be with me? If there is sorrow, I will share the burden with her. If there is problem, I will solve with her. If there is joy, I will laugh with her. If her leg is pain, I will support and walk with her. If she suffer, I will suffer with her. If she afraid she can't take care of the plant as good as me, I will not mind as long as she have the intention to. I will "cover" for her "shortcoming" and let the plant continue to grow. Can we start a new chapter of our life?
Don't know if it is call fate... Tomorrow got an event that is actually all of us will stay but slowly, one by one need to leave earlier and in the end only left 2 of us.. Don't she feel I really care for her? I also don't know why I will put her interest in the first place in everything I do. Just like today, I intend to buy a strawberry cheesecake for her boss as an early birthday cake. Somehow I decided to buy one more for her. I think I had love her so deep till she had become part of me. My thinking will "automatically" include her without considering.. Even though her birthday is still a few months away, I actually start to plan what I am going to give her and how to celebrate with her IF I got the chance.. I will make sure her every birthday is full of surprise and happiness. I can tell her she will not regret for been with me... Since she already start to feel the "sadness" of her boss and I leaving, can she just treasure the time we had.. I don't wish to leave when we haven't even started....
Should I tell her how I feel tomorrow night? I scare it will made the night turn bad again.... Will she tell me anything? I will see if she will bring up anything tomorrow night before I decide to tell her my feeling....
So fast it has been 1 week since we went to the F1 rocks concert. The memories of that night is still deeply in my mind. Is it also the same for her?
She seem to feel sad if her boss and I were to leave. She already feel like this as she just come for a few months. What about me? Me and her boss are the only ones that has been around since day one of this site. 天底下没有不散的宴席. But I will stay with her throughout if she give me a chance. I will never leave her no matter what. I will delay the situation of her boss and me leaving as long as possible. Is breaking up with him really so hard for her? I wanted to ask her how she is going to spend the mid autumn festival, with him or her family? Should I ask? I wish I can spend it with her but I already been "booked" for family dinner.
I wonder how often does she read my blog... Does she know how I feel? Can she just accept me? Can she just let go everything and be with me? If there is sorrow, I will share the burden with her. If there is problem, I will solve with her. If there is joy, I will laugh with her. If her leg is pain, I will support and walk with her. If she suffer, I will suffer with her. If she afraid she can't take care of the plant as good as me, I will not mind as long as she have the intention to. I will "cover" for her "shortcoming" and let the plant continue to grow. Can we start a new chapter of our life?
Don't know if it is call fate... Tomorrow got an event that is actually all of us will stay but slowly, one by one need to leave earlier and in the end only left 2 of us.. Don't she feel I really care for her? I also don't know why I will put her interest in the first place in everything I do. Just like today, I intend to buy a strawberry cheesecake for her boss as an early birthday cake. Somehow I decided to buy one more for her. I think I had love her so deep till she had become part of me. My thinking will "automatically" include her without considering.. Even though her birthday is still a few months away, I actually start to plan what I am going to give her and how to celebrate with her IF I got the chance.. I will make sure her every birthday is full of surprise and happiness. I can tell her she will not regret for been with me... Since she already start to feel the "sadness" of her boss and I leaving, can she just treasure the time we had.. I don't wish to leave when we haven't even started....
Should I tell her how I feel tomorrow night? I scare it will made the night turn bad again.... Will she tell me anything? I will see if she will bring up anything tomorrow night before I decide to tell her my feeling....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
30th September
Helping colleague to buy 大中国 mooncake. How I wish I got a chance to carry it to her house one day. I know it will be awkward if I were to buy mooncake for her family now, so I just buy 2 pieces of the yam mooncake and let her bring home. I hope she will know my intention. This week seem to be slow.. Today is just Wednesday. Maybe it is like this when a person doesn't look forward for anything. Sometime I just feel like asking her what is her thinking.. She seem to be planning something but I don't know if I should ask. Will she tell me if I ask? From the surface, it seem like I am of high chance but I don't dare to pin any high expectation as usually it will become disappointment. Can she please don't disappoint me again? I really like her very much and don't wish to miss her.
She wanted to return me the money for concert tickets, but what I had done is not something that can be determine by money. Do she still need to be so calculative to me? Is the value of what I had done in her heart is only measure by money? Sad to say, maybe... I wanted to tell her today, what is money if I can be together with her? But I think it will affect her mood if I were to say.. Just like the song, "One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love".. I think I will go through everyday just like currently, accompany her, chat with her, surprise her, think for her, help her, care for her, etc. Even if I decided to leave, I will do it silently... And it seem like I can't escape any longer...
After today meeting, 2 person is leaving this site for "better prospect". Her boss told me "我看我们也是时候考虑一下了"... I guess if I were to tender, it will somehow affect her boss decision to tender also..
She wanted to return me the money for concert tickets, but what I had done is not something that can be determine by money. Do she still need to be so calculative to me? Is the value of what I had done in her heart is only measure by money? Sad to say, maybe... I wanted to tell her today, what is money if I can be together with her? But I think it will affect her mood if I were to say.. Just like the song, "One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love".. I think I will go through everyday just like currently, accompany her, chat with her, surprise her, think for her, help her, care for her, etc. Even if I decided to leave, I will do it silently... And it seem like I can't escape any longer...
After today meeting, 2 person is leaving this site for "better prospect". Her boss told me "我看我们也是时候考虑一下了"... I guess if I were to tender, it will somehow affect her boss decision to tender also..
Mooncake for her
This is from an old brand yam mooncake that I bought yesterday. I guess this is one of her favorite. If she give me a chance, I will buy for her different variety of mooncakes every year and not forgetting 大中国 mooncake for her family no matter how long the queue will be.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
29th September
Why this shutdown is so tiring? I feeling more tired than the previous shutdown. Maybe this time is not only physiacal but also mental... I guess no matter how much I do, it will still lose to a verbal "I love you" from him.
I heard the new taking over company practice is they will not offer the same terms as the existing company but lower. If that is really the truth, I guess leaving this site will be less unbearing as someone will be leaving with me. At that time, she no need to be vex over my constant pressure for answer. Me and she will also no need to decide as environment will decide for us to be apart.
Do she want to be like 常在心? She got feeling for 小鲍 but don't want to say. Even when he planned to leave, she still don't ask him to stay or tell him her feeling. And later when he almost got accident, she then show her feeling. Drama is different from real life. In drama, it is preplanned, getting back together is easy. In real life, once it gone, most probably it can't return. If that is what she plan, I also can't say anything but hope she don't regret. Till now, she still didn't tell me anything despite I ask her a few times. In office, she don't want to talk about this. After office hour, she also don't want to say... Since she don't want to face it, I should not forced it. If she want to miss the chance, then let be it... What can I do?
Although I had "announced" my planned leave today, I got a feeling that it will be changed... Maybe I will not wait that long... I will tell her this by then.
最近还好吗 想念的心开不了口
枯想着你有没有好好过 担心着你每天生活
你好吗 最近如何 照顾身体工作加油
我一个人也会勇敢好好过 不让你担心多一秒
想念着 每天每秒我们故事 每天每秒说好的事
两个人一起散步 是最浪漫的事
你是我的天使 给我力量能够坚持
那些关心问候 翅膀一样的双手
是我最幸福的所有
心里面有你建的角落
脆弱时我能够躲一躲
你爱我 像翅膀一样温柔的手
我要抱着你不要再错过
你的爱 是最蓝那片天空
I can feel she is starting to be more "open" towards me. Is she starting to accept me? Or is I thinking too much again? Can she please tell me?
On the way back home, walk past one of the traditional brand mooncake shophouse and saw a long queue. Queued for quite some time just to buy 2 pieces only...
I heard the new taking over company practice is they will not offer the same terms as the existing company but lower. If that is really the truth, I guess leaving this site will be less unbearing as someone will be leaving with me. At that time, she no need to be vex over my constant pressure for answer. Me and she will also no need to decide as environment will decide for us to be apart.
Do she want to be like 常在心? She got feeling for 小鲍 but don't want to say. Even when he planned to leave, she still don't ask him to stay or tell him her feeling. And later when he almost got accident, she then show her feeling. Drama is different from real life. In drama, it is preplanned, getting back together is easy. In real life, once it gone, most probably it can't return. If that is what she plan, I also can't say anything but hope she don't regret. Till now, she still didn't tell me anything despite I ask her a few times. In office, she don't want to talk about this. After office hour, she also don't want to say... Since she don't want to face it, I should not forced it. If she want to miss the chance, then let be it... What can I do?
Although I had "announced" my planned leave today, I got a feeling that it will be changed... Maybe I will not wait that long... I will tell her this by then.
最近还好吗 想念的心开不了口
枯想着你有没有好好过 担心着你每天生活
你好吗 最近如何 照顾身体工作加油
我一个人也会勇敢好好过 不让你担心多一秒
想念着 每天每秒我们故事 每天每秒说好的事
两个人一起散步 是最浪漫的事
你是我的天使 给我力量能够坚持
那些关心问候 翅膀一样的双手
是我最幸福的所有
心里面有你建的角落
脆弱时我能够躲一躲
你爱我 像翅膀一样温柔的手
我要抱着你不要再错过
你的爱 是最蓝那片天空
I can feel she is starting to be more "open" towards me. Is she starting to accept me? Or is I thinking too much again? Can she please tell me?
On the way back home, walk past one of the traditional brand mooncake shophouse and saw a long queue. Queued for quite some time just to buy 2 pieces only...
Monday, September 28, 2009
28th September
Even when we haven't together now, I already feeling proud of her. I don't like anyone to "look down" on her. That playboy kid told me how good is all his girlfriends and better than her. I answered him how good is her and his girlfriends all can't match. At least, she is a "good" girl and not those "problematic" type.
My life in office will be quite free after today returning of equipments. Shutdown over, nothing much need to be done beside those daily complaints. What should I do next? I had told her I will not ask her for answer anymore. What is her plan? To remain the same as it is? Should I remain to wait? or just leave as planned? She can't deny the "better" future we will have together, either can she deny that she don't have feeling for me.
Had lunch with my ex-colleague. Even though I can't agree the way he work but it seem like our situation is the same... We can put in 101% to our work but we get only less than 50% recognition.. Why should we work so hard? We both also don't have any "good" team members that can assist us... Why we always need to cover for others? When problem arise, it will be us to solve no matter we can handle a not. During "peace" time, we will be left aside... Our capability is not limited to the current appointment we in. If simple task I also need to do, what for need others? But the difference is he got an "objective" to work for... his wife... I work so hard for what? So capable for what? Help to do so much for what? For nothing...
Is really tiring... Is there really "一个人的精彩"?
I thought she might want to go out for a walk during lunch, so after my lunch, I went back to office to accompany her out. But she told me to packet for her when I already in the lift up to office. Then I U-turn back to 1st floor. Thinking is some time since she haven't eat her favorite tom yum fish noodle, I go and queue 30+mins to get it and also bought a fish soup for her boss. But it seem she prefer thunder rice to what I bought... :(
Why I can't just "ignore" or "angry" with her? When she try to divert the topic and say "don't want to talk about this in office", I was a bit angry and wanted to ignore her. But when she sms me to eat dessert, my "anger" appeased and chat with her again. Then she told me her eyes itchy, my mind immediately told me to get a contact lens solution for her, but in the end, I can only find irritation relief eyedrop. I don't know why I just can't get angry with her. Wanted to ignore her but once she sms me, I will forget what happened. When she tell me she not feeling well or her problem, I will want to help her in whatever ways I can...
Did my action today moved her heart? I think she is old enough to think who is good for her, no point I keep emphasis on who is better.. When she just come to this site, it is Michelle and Shaun wedding... Now is Fann and Chris wedding, will there be any change to my relationship with her?
My life in office will be quite free after today returning of equipments. Shutdown over, nothing much need to be done beside those daily complaints. What should I do next? I had told her I will not ask her for answer anymore. What is her plan? To remain the same as it is? Should I remain to wait? or just leave as planned? She can't deny the "better" future we will have together, either can she deny that she don't have feeling for me.
Had lunch with my ex-colleague. Even though I can't agree the way he work but it seem like our situation is the same... We can put in 101% to our work but we get only less than 50% recognition.. Why should we work so hard? We both also don't have any "good" team members that can assist us... Why we always need to cover for others? When problem arise, it will be us to solve no matter we can handle a not. During "peace" time, we will be left aside... Our capability is not limited to the current appointment we in. If simple task I also need to do, what for need others? But the difference is he got an "objective" to work for... his wife... I work so hard for what? So capable for what? Help to do so much for what? For nothing...
Is really tiring... Is there really "一个人的精彩"?
I thought she might want to go out for a walk during lunch, so after my lunch, I went back to office to accompany her out. But she told me to packet for her when I already in the lift up to office. Then I U-turn back to 1st floor. Thinking is some time since she haven't eat her favorite tom yum fish noodle, I go and queue 30+mins to get it and also bought a fish soup for her boss. But it seem she prefer thunder rice to what I bought... :(
Why I can't just "ignore" or "angry" with her? When she try to divert the topic and say "don't want to talk about this in office", I was a bit angry and wanted to ignore her. But when she sms me to eat dessert, my "anger" appeased and chat with her again. Then she told me her eyes itchy, my mind immediately told me to get a contact lens solution for her, but in the end, I can only find irritation relief eyedrop. I don't know why I just can't get angry with her. Wanted to ignore her but once she sms me, I will forget what happened. When she tell me she not feeling well or her problem, I will want to help her in whatever ways I can...
Did my action today moved her heart? I think she is old enough to think who is good for her, no point I keep emphasis on who is better.. When she just come to this site, it is Michelle and Shaun wedding... Now is Fann and Chris wedding, will there be any change to my relationship with her?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"一首简单的小情歌"
Her version of "一首简单的小情歌".... :) Don't know why I just like to "suan" her and I guess she know I am joking with her only... I like to see her reaction when been "suan" by me... hehe...
Her favorite singer... and 情歌圣手...:)
Her favorite singer... and 情歌圣手...:)
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