Is Monday again.... The beginning of the week is usually seem long especially when I am not looking forward to anything.. Maybe subconscious I already know we can't be together.... I just deceiving myself that I still got chance while waiting for the time to come.. Is that really the fact? Only she has the answer....
I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...
Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
29th August letter...
I had "accidentally" come across the soft copy of the letter that I had given you on 29th August.. I decided to upload it since it is also part of our memories... Maybe the original copy is already "long gone" from this world...
and the tickets....
and the tickets....
4th October, depress...
I had been thinking for the whole night... But I still can't understand why... You had said you are considering but are you really doing that or you just want to "delay" the issue.. Your consideration is getting too long... I believed weekdays after work, you are tired to think about it. Weekends after going out with him, you stayed at his house and I assume you also can't think about it.. So when can you think about it? Is having my accompany on weekdays and him on weekends what you hoping for? What is so attractive at his house? Is it as classy as a Ritz Carlton president suite? If not, why you always need to stay overnight at there? You always told me he is not as bad as what I had think.. But you didn't tell me how good he is, maybe I have no right to know also.. I asked you several times why you can't leave him and what is holding you or your consideration, you just told me you still love him.. Is love the only reason? Don't you consider other factors beside love? Can you survive base on love only? You told you can't go without a job and I don't know what is your family situation. Is true we can't go without money but money is not everything also. Don't forgo other stuff because of money.. He might be better than me in terms of financial but doesn't mean I can't earn it to provide a better life for you... Is just at this current moment, I don't wish to switch job because of money.. I ask you for any other reasons for not breaking, I don't remember you telling me any.. So does that mean you believe your love for him will be everlasting? You will stay with him throughout as long as you still love him? Now you say you can't leave him because you still love him.. When he commit another offence, you say you will leave him but you still love him.. Doesn't that make any sense? Since you can still so love him after the first offence, why can't you do that for the second or even the third time? The moment you trust a person wholeheartedly, even the lies and bad, you will also can't see it.. You always say he is happy when with you and you can't sense any unhappiness.. This is what you think only... When he unhappy, does he need to put the word on his forehead? If he stop you from going to shopping and with your friends, will you be happy? When you considering whether to breakup, I think you only assume how sad he will be, the disappointment and hurt you will be giving him, the past happy memories of you and him will be gone, how good he had treat you... But you never think how hurt he had given you during the first offence, the disappointment he given you during your birthday or during normal times, his character and interest that you don't like.. And you never think for me if you were still to be with him... How sad I will be after so much more effort been put in than him, how hurt I will be, all the happy moments with me...
Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..
You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...
You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?
Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...
You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....
You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?
When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...
I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..
This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...
Not I want to say badly of him, but I think if you really breakup with him, I guess less than 2 months, he will have a new girlfriend... I know you will say even he got, it is just a "smokescreen" from him to make you feel better... How can a guy when like a girl, he doesn't even bother how to celebrate with her or only due last minute then ask the girl along and buy gift for her? Does this show the importance of her in his heart? I know you will say this is his character... Now we still haven't together, I already planned so many "surprise" for you, getting "gifts" that you like and even start to think of how to celebrate your birthday (if I got the chance). I know your answer is I can't compare with him... Sometime I wonder it is uncomparable or you refuse to compare as it may show the negative side which you don't wish to know.. Just like it pretty obvious ORQ is better than atrium in terms of management but you always say can't be compare.. As what I had told you, if you still in atrium, you will not be as sad when the team leaves.. Even this is true, you also don't want to acknowledge it... You told me the necklace and ring is not from him but it seem pretty obvious that only when you go out with him, you will wear it... I had noticed it a few times..
You always told me he doesn't mean what he say.. He agree to breakup, actually he doesn't... Does this include when you told him my existence, he say "if you need to consider, you can don't consider anymore", he also doesn't mean that? When he go "flirting" with other girls, he also doesn't mean he is flirting, he is just "testing his market value"? When he is happy going out with you, he doesn't mean that also? When he say you are not 100% faithful to him, it is not what he want to say also? I think you are a bit "biased".. When he say stuff that is hurt or disappointing, you say he doesn't mean what he say.. When he treat you good, you say it is from his heart...
You had asked me since I start work, did I start any relationship or fancy any girls. I didn't start any relationship partly I want to focus on my career and I think I had took much lesser time to achieve my current level. Some people had said for a non technical trained personnel like me to handle engineering for a front office is not an easy task and yet I still be able to do it. The other reason why I didn't start a relationship is I haven't find a suitable girl even though I meet some that I fancied. You ask if I will still accept you after I had left and my answer is most probably not as I want to concentrate on my new career and strive for the best performance. Partly for unable to accept you is because of guy dignity. By that time, I might still love you very much but I guess you are been "forced" to leave him due to whatever reason and that why you come to me. I will have this thinking is because you can't leave him now but how come you can leave him in the future?
Sometime I am really disappointed when you keep "escaping"... Maybe I am the type that will see the whole picture and I don't wish to see time to be lost.. To you, maybe time actually is not been lost as you still have him and work. But to me, work is nothing or as what I said "I am too efficient" and we are still not together. It seem like I am wasting time here when I can't get any "result" in both career and love. I foreseen my career doesn't end here, at least I will be able to reach your boss level which your boss also say so. I had told you a few times that it is going to be the last time and I going to tender. It is not that I am "threatening" you.. If you don't believe, you can go to my desk and there are a few notice of resignation letter that I intend to submit. But whenever that date came, I just can't bear to submit when I saw you and I will just put it a side.. But this time, the outside factors will "forced" me to go.. You played a major role in my existence in the office. When you disappointed me times to times, there still a minor factor for me to stay. But once this minor factor is also gone and I can't have the major role with me, I think I should "wake up" and let go... I want to be your guardian angel that always stay by you but I think you prefer him to be the guardian angel... I had no choice but to accept. I want to let you know if the minor factor is gone and I have the major role, I will consider to stay... I guess you know what is the major role and minor factor I referring to. I always say the word "you are mature" cause I think you should be able to know who is a more suitable guy to take care of you, care for you, and your family when you are married, to be a good husband, go through joy and sorrow with you and will not hurt you. If you think he is the one, I will trust your view and respect your decision. You had asked me why I wake up so early.. The reason is I am thinking of you and the things between us. What will happen if you decide to be with him? What am I going to do by then? Can I still carry on as per normal? Will I break down? You know how "torturing" it is to keep something in the heart and cannot say to anyone? Whenever conversation goes to love matters, I can't tell people the girl I like is you and I am going after you... I can only smile and change the topic to prevent you from awkwarding...
You know what I plan to do on last Friday night? You know why I don't want to let you board a cab below ORQ and insist on walking further down? But last minute I withdraw what I want to do after you told me you are in pain and I feel that you and him is still getting on fine... When you say want to have dinner with me, I am very happy and I thought after dinner, we can go to the Singapore River and have a chat just like last time. I even search internet and think of where to go for dinner.. It is a 2nd level restaurant by Boat Quay where we can see the Singapore River and this restaurant open till quite late.. Then you told me you are full that night and not going to have dinner, so I change the plan and wanted to "make" you walk to Singapore River, then I will suggest to sit down there and have a chat. But after seeing the time and you are not feeling well, I give up.. I was disappointed but I guess you don't know about it cause you think every guys will put their emotion on their face... I just continue to joke with you while waiting for cab... What I intend to tell you is "你曾说过重新开始会很辛苦，可是我可以跟你保证这将是你最后一次重新开始，不管多辛苦我也会陪你走下去。无论你面对什么，我会永远在你身边陪你一起分担。我也不会让你为了其它男的而离开我。我会永远对你体贴，细心，呵护，体谅，关心。我真的很喜欢你。你可以给我一个机会照顾你吗？从这一刻开始，你愿意把我和你成为我们吗？" Actually I don't know why I want to tell you this, maybe I wanted to increase the little chance that I had....
You can't disagree that you are happy when with me... You had dropped tears for me not because of hurt but touch. I wonder does he ever do something that touch you to tears before? Doesn't we seem to have many common interest? We can discuss from work to drama... Doesn't my attentive, caring, patience, considerate, devoted, love you wholeheartedly or even a little filial caught your attention? Can you say you are not "amazed" by me knowing so many things? I think starting a conversation with your parents and relatives shouldn't be a problem (but I know this most probably will not happen). Doesn't my work ability "surprise" and attract you? Doesn't girls prefer guys with "good" career ability and good character? Didn't what I done had moved your heart a few times? Don't you feel the feeling I had for you? Don't you sense the importance you had in my heart? Can you say you don't have any special feeling for me? Can you say when I am unhappy, your mood will not be affected? Can you say you don't think of me when you can't see me? Can you say you don't miss the times we are together? Can you say you never or only once in a while you read my blog? and you read my blog is for the sake of killing time only? Can you say you don't know how much things and effort I had done and put in for you?
When you don't have any "big action" for me, that doesn't mean you don't like me but I think you are still not in a position to do it due to the existence of him.. I know you afraid you can't be as committed as me to this relationship but I never expect anything more than your love... I don't need you to do anything even when we are together... I just need you to be a girl that stay by me, support me, share my happiness and achievement, give me your opinion when I faced difficulties, provide me a corner to hide when I am sad, encourage me when I am down...
I ask myself why will I fall for you.. It is the common interest, your personality and character that attract me.. I feel when I go out with you, I don't need to force myself to "facilitate" you like going to look at flowers, walking around, watching drama, going to concert... But I admit it is not my interest of going to the dance performance, as I don't have the "talent" to appreciate it.. But I will still go with you for the first time for experience and if don't like, there will not be second time of going... I think you also want someone that when going out with you, you can discuss with him of anything and not only a "one sided talking" due to the other party not interested or don't know anything about it... I prefer girl that is filial, know the courtesy such as buying things home or mooncake during festival for the family or others. Don't have "bad" habit like smoking, clubbing or frequent pubbing.. Will do household chores. Got a "stable" career, care and think for others, flexible, understanding, treat relationship seriously and can "click" with me.. and you seem to fulfill most of the "requirement". That why I fall for you..
This is the 144th post and the longest I had written.. I think I had spent 5 hours writing this post and the song "Let Me Go" had been repeating in my laptop background at least 50 times. I find this song is meaningful and I also feel you are by my side when listening to this song just like during the concert. Today is the 137th days we know each other. I never thought I can "用心" to write so many post since day one. On the other hand, the countdown timer for me to leave had started.. which I also don't wish it will come... I had written so many post and so far you had only replied only once. You told me you wish to be a 2 sided communication but you didn't do that.. You know how I feel, what I am facing but I don't know as much about you as what you know about me. I had asked you several times on this blog that how you feel, hoping to see your reply. But everytime is none... I thought the next few days after my post, you will talk to me, but is also none and you can treat like nothing had happened... It make me wonder did you actually read this blog.... I guess after this post, it will be the same, you will have nothing to say to me... I know sometime you also don't know what to reply and you also had a hard time considering. You can just tell me what you want.. You don't need to make a fancy story to tell me. If you really can't let him go or don't know what to say, then let it be... I guess the next "activity" for you and him is to take graduation photo together, am I right? If that happen, can you please tell me honestly? I will "forced" my heart to die as I know my chances is already to the bottom of the pit by then... Never mind, I will treasure the times we still had, which is getting shorter if there is still no answer from you... After that, he can have your whole heart back again... Enjoy the Sunday and stay happy... By the way, you know I like to use songs to represent my mood and I had changed the background songs to what I am feeling now...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
3rd October, mixed feeling...
Saturday, as usual, a busy day for me. But today most of the work is not mine. I am just helping her boss to supervise some works. Suddenly she asked me is my CV ready and might want it anytime and we talk about the "hot" topic again. When I ask her how she see the chances of staying, I surprise that her daily "behavior" is a contrast to her answer. She can still be so "normal"... I think others will not expect this answer if didn't ask her. At that moment, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Happy cause everything finally come to an end. Sad cause I really unbear to let go. She also admit that our working pattern is similar and if I want to go further than her, I should have some "changes" different from her. She also guide me how to be a "good" manager.
Even though changing desk arms is tiring, but this is one of the time when we show working as a team. Maybe this scenario will be ending soon. It hard to find manager that will "hands on" with her team. I like to work in such a team, work, eat, enjoy together. Just like today, after changing the arms, eat lunch, enjoy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Will we be eating mooncake together next year again? Recently she seem to have keen interest in my love life, always ask me this and that especially when I mention girls name. How I wish I can tell her "she" is the one I like. But I know there is no chance to do that. I guess she somehow know only me and her will do certain things and she ask me to go back early today, don't stay back for "extra" work. She rather "others" to come back tomorrow to do it. She once told me she really appreciated for the "extra" work I done and assisting her. Maybe that why me is closer to her than her own team members. Due to the appointment, there a limit she can let me involve. If she "rope" me in too many issue, it may show unfair to others. But I think if given a chance, my ability shouldn't be a problem to do all that.
I didn't deliberately ignore her today but I just don't know what to say to her. She sms me if I am still in office when all the work almost finish. After I replied, she didn't reply again.. Why she asked? Nothing to do or for the sake of asking? I thought she will talk to me today but she just remained quiet. Since she like pure silence, then let it be. I think she is meeting him out tonight, most probably overnight at his house again. Haiz... After so much up and down, she still be with him, what can I say anymore?
Tonight pass by Fort Canning again. Memories of we going to concert flood my head. So coincidence, I am eating sushi for dinner, same as that night. But I guess no more next time based on her feeling for him. She can still like him so much after the "flirting" incident, clubbing character and disappointing answer. Seem like I have to accept reality, I can't make her choose me... Once wind blow, it can't return back to it original position...
Seem like my guess is right... She just sms me good night but when I say she is at his house, she don't want to reply back... I think that is the silent admit.. But since she already have his accompany, why still want to sms me good night? What she really wants? Maybe he might be "不爽" after knowing my existence and her feelings for me.. But his 不爽 is regarding what? He jealous due to his feeling for her or he can't accept the fact that his girlfriend had another guy in her heart and make him "loss face"? He might also can accept a 2 timer girlfriend but I definitely cannot... Either she break, or I leave..... But is just a matter of time I leave after talking to her boss today... I can't find a reason to stay since she choose him...
Even though changing desk arms is tiring, but this is one of the time when we show working as a team. Maybe this scenario will be ending soon. It hard to find manager that will "hands on" with her team. I like to work in such a team, work, eat, enjoy together. Just like today, after changing the arms, eat lunch, enjoy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Will we be eating mooncake together next year again? Recently she seem to have keen interest in my love life, always ask me this and that especially when I mention girls name. How I wish I can tell her "she" is the one I like. But I know there is no chance to do that. I guess she somehow know only me and her will do certain things and she ask me to go back early today, don't stay back for "extra" work. She rather "others" to come back tomorrow to do it. She once told me she really appreciated for the "extra" work I done and assisting her. Maybe that why me is closer to her than her own team members. Due to the appointment, there a limit she can let me involve. If she "rope" me in too many issue, it may show unfair to others. But I think if given a chance, my ability shouldn't be a problem to do all that.
I didn't deliberately ignore her today but I just don't know what to say to her. She sms me if I am still in office when all the work almost finish. After I replied, she didn't reply again.. Why she asked? Nothing to do or for the sake of asking? I thought she will talk to me today but she just remained quiet. Since she like pure silence, then let it be. I think she is meeting him out tonight, most probably overnight at his house again. Haiz... After so much up and down, she still be with him, what can I say anymore?
Tonight pass by Fort Canning again. Memories of we going to concert flood my head. So coincidence, I am eating sushi for dinner, same as that night. But I guess no more next time based on her feeling for him. She can still like him so much after the "flirting" incident, clubbing character and disappointing answer. Seem like I have to accept reality, I can't make her choose me... Once wind blow, it can't return back to it original position...
Seem like my guess is right... She just sms me good night but when I say she is at his house, she don't want to reply back... I think that is the silent admit.. But since she already have his accompany, why still want to sms me good night? What she really wants? Maybe he might be "不爽" after knowing my existence and her feelings for me.. But his 不爽 is regarding what? He jealous due to his feeling for her or he can't accept the fact that his girlfriend had another guy in her heart and make him "loss face"? He might also can accept a 2 timer girlfriend but I definitely cannot... Either she break, or I leave..... But is just a matter of time I leave after talking to her boss today... I can't find a reason to stay since she choose him...
3rd October, sad...
Mid autumn festival today.. 但愿人长久，千里共嫦娟. She and him will be together to celebrate this festival for couple...
Maybe I too understand you, I know you will still have no answer (or I rather say be with him), I had already start my "plan" as per your boss "advice" which I didn't told you yesterday. I am just waiting for the time to come... Even though I expected your outcome, but I still want to deceive myself that after this 2 weeks, your thinking is different and you and him is already on "breakup" mood and ready to break at any moment. I just refuse to accept the fact that you 2 still going on as normal. You keep saying I shouldn't fall for you but isn't it too late to say now. The fact now is I like you and you also like me.
You say he will be sad when breakup but you also agree I put in more effort than him despite the shorter time duration. You know I will be more sad than him if I let you go? You say you like him that why you can't let go, but you also like me and you can let me go? I know changing your thinking is hard and if not been forced, you will not bother. I think the answer is with him, if he can't initiate breakup, you will just stay with him. Sad to say, I can't wait for so long. If you don't want to leave him, I have no choice but accept. I will leave when the time comes.
Maybe is fate, after last night talking, today your boss and me will be alone in the morning, I think we will discuss on the "hot" topic again... To you, the new company coming in now is a disaster. To me, it might be a blessing in disguise, putting an end to everything. I think your unbearing when me and your boss or even your admin support leaving is just those "normal" type. I guess I had read too much into it, thinking your unbearing to me will be more than the other 2. No matter how sad or unbearing, I still had to let go, right?
Maybe I too understand you, I know you will still have no answer (or I rather say be with him), I had already start my "plan" as per your boss "advice" which I didn't told you yesterday. I am just waiting for the time to come... Even though I expected your outcome, but I still want to deceive myself that after this 2 weeks, your thinking is different and you and him is already on "breakup" mood and ready to break at any moment. I just refuse to accept the fact that you 2 still going on as normal. You keep saying I shouldn't fall for you but isn't it too late to say now. The fact now is I like you and you also like me.
You say he will be sad when breakup but you also agree I put in more effort than him despite the shorter time duration. You know I will be more sad than him if I let you go? You say you like him that why you can't let go, but you also like me and you can let me go? I know changing your thinking is hard and if not been forced, you will not bother. I think the answer is with him, if he can't initiate breakup, you will just stay with him. Sad to say, I can't wait for so long. If you don't want to leave him, I have no choice but accept. I will leave when the time comes.
Maybe is fate, after last night talking, today your boss and me will be alone in the morning, I think we will discuss on the "hot" topic again... To you, the new company coming in now is a disaster. To me, it might be a blessing in disguise, putting an end to everything. I think your unbearing when me and your boss or even your admin support leaving is just those "normal" type. I guess I had read too much into it, thinking your unbearing to me will be more than the other 2. No matter how sad or unbearing, I still had to let go, right?
2nd October
Today shall be a busy day due to tonight event. Today is also her boss birthday. Somehow I think she also feel that we will be having a "party" for her, just that she don't know the timing.
She offered to queue with me to buy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Is there any "meaning" or am I thinking too much again? Anyway I am buying for her and her boss, the 2 most "important" person in my workplace.
After everything is almost 10pm, as we are waiting, I start to leak some of her boss consideration and one of the plans we intend to do. I not threatening her but just to remind her time left isn't that long. As what I had expected, she still can't give me an answer but the ending didn't end as bad as last time.
I know you will be reading this blog. I can PROMISE you are one and only in my heart. I will not go out and "play". I wanted to tell you "我非常非常喜欢你". Why I want to send good night and morning sms everyday is because I really hope you can let go and be my girlfriend before the D-day comes. I don't want to take cab below ORQ is because I want to be with you longer. I really can't the feeling of been apart from you. But I give up once you say you are in pain. My love for you will definitely be more than him. I know he some time doesn't mean what he want, but if can agree to break up means to certain extend, he actually don't mind. How can a guy be unhappy with a girl accompanying him? But I think he will be happier with girls and buddies at the same time. If a better girl approach him now, you think he will reject or accept her? He will tell you to break up and come to me. Your 喜欢 for him can actually be replace by 喜欢 for me, just that you don't want to try. How long can your 喜欢 last? I guess his 喜欢 for you is getting lesser when time goes. Even you also agree you can't trust him as much now. Just think of how he break your heart that time, maybe you can bring yourself to take the first step. How can a guy don't mind his girlfriend got another guy in her heart?
Enough of him.. If I were to leave, I know I will be very miserable and sad. I really very 舍不得 you. I think you will feel the same too. I think my tears will drop on my last day as I know once I step out of ORQ, there will be no return. Do you really want that to happen? I can promise I will try my best to be the only guy in your life. No other girls will ever able to overtake your place in my heart. I may like drinking in the past but now I only drink occasionally, that why just now I don't even want to touch 1 drop and I will not say is because of you. I want to let you know is not you "forced" me but is I do it willingly. You will not regret for been with me. You will have a more attentive, considerate, caring, filial boyfriend that can help you in whatever ways. I hope you can really break with him but if you just because of 喜欢 and don't want to break, that fine. I will try harder till the day I left. I think you will feel more sad than leaving him by that time. I know no matter what I say is nothing. Your no reply will eventually lead to 1 thing, I LEAVE. I know you are tired now. Good night.
She offered to queue with me to buy the Goodwood Park mooncake. Is there any "meaning" or am I thinking too much again? Anyway I am buying for her and her boss, the 2 most "important" person in my workplace.
After everything is almost 10pm, as we are waiting, I start to leak some of her boss consideration and one of the plans we intend to do. I not threatening her but just to remind her time left isn't that long. As what I had expected, she still can't give me an answer but the ending didn't end as bad as last time.
I know you will be reading this blog. I can PROMISE you are one and only in my heart. I will not go out and "play". I wanted to tell you "我非常非常喜欢你". Why I want to send good night and morning sms everyday is because I really hope you can let go and be my girlfriend before the D-day comes. I don't want to take cab below ORQ is because I want to be with you longer. I really can't the feeling of been apart from you. But I give up once you say you are in pain. My love for you will definitely be more than him. I know he some time doesn't mean what he want, but if can agree to break up means to certain extend, he actually don't mind. How can a guy be unhappy with a girl accompanying him? But I think he will be happier with girls and buddies at the same time. If a better girl approach him now, you think he will reject or accept her? He will tell you to break up and come to me. Your 喜欢 for him can actually be replace by 喜欢 for me, just that you don't want to try. How long can your 喜欢 last? I guess his 喜欢 for you is getting lesser when time goes. Even you also agree you can't trust him as much now. Just think of how he break your heart that time, maybe you can bring yourself to take the first step. How can a guy don't mind his girlfriend got another guy in her heart?
Enough of him.. If I were to leave, I know I will be very miserable and sad. I really very 舍不得 you. I think you will feel the same too. I think my tears will drop on my last day as I know once I step out of ORQ, there will be no return. Do you really want that to happen? I can promise I will try my best to be the only guy in your life. No other girls will ever able to overtake your place in my heart. I may like drinking in the past but now I only drink occasionally, that why just now I don't even want to touch 1 drop and I will not say is because of you. I want to let you know is not you "forced" me but is I do it willingly. You will not regret for been with me. You will have a more attentive, considerate, caring, filial boyfriend that can help you in whatever ways. I hope you can really break with him but if you just because of 喜欢 and don't want to break, that fine. I will try harder till the day I left. I think you will feel more sad than leaving him by that time. I know no matter what I say is nothing. Your no reply will eventually lead to 1 thing, I LEAVE. I know you are tired now. Good night.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Children Day..
Today is children day, it is so good to be them. No need to bother and think so much like adults..
So fast it has been 1 week since we went to the F1 rocks concert. The memories of that night is still deeply in my mind. Is it also the same for her?
She seem to feel sad if her boss and I were to leave. She already feel like this as she just come for a few months. What about me? Me and her boss are the only ones that has been around since day one of this site. 天底下没有不散的宴席. But I will stay with her throughout if she give me a chance. I will never leave her no matter what. I will delay the situation of her boss and me leaving as long as possible. Is breaking up with him really so hard for her? I wanted to ask her how she is going to spend the mid autumn festival, with him or her family? Should I ask? I wish I can spend it with her but I already been "booked" for family dinner.
I wonder how often does she read my blog... Does she know how I feel? Can she just accept me? Can she just let go everything and be with me? If there is sorrow, I will share the burden with her. If there is problem, I will solve with her. If there is joy, I will laugh with her. If her leg is pain, I will support and walk with her. If she suffer, I will suffer with her. If she afraid she can't take care of the plant as good as me, I will not mind as long as she have the intention to. I will "cover" for her "shortcoming" and let the plant continue to grow. Can we start a new chapter of our life?
Don't know if it is call fate... Tomorrow got an event that is actually all of us will stay but slowly, one by one need to leave earlier and in the end only left 2 of us.. Don't she feel I really care for her? I also don't know why I will put her interest in the first place in everything I do. Just like today, I intend to buy a strawberry cheesecake for her boss as an early birthday cake. Somehow I decided to buy one more for her. I think I had love her so deep till she had become part of me. My thinking will "automatically" include her without considering.. Even though her birthday is still a few months away, I actually start to plan what I am going to give her and how to celebrate with her IF I got the chance.. I will make sure her every birthday is full of surprise and happiness. I can tell her she will not regret for been with me... Since she already start to feel the "sadness" of her boss and I leaving, can she just treasure the time we had.. I don't wish to leave when we haven't even started....
Should I tell her how I feel tomorrow night? I scare it will made the night turn bad again.... Will she tell me anything? I will see if she will bring up anything tomorrow night before I decide to tell her my feeling....
So fast it has been 1 week since we went to the F1 rocks concert. The memories of that night is still deeply in my mind. Is it also the same for her?
She seem to feel sad if her boss and I were to leave. She already feel like this as she just come for a few months. What about me? Me and her boss are the only ones that has been around since day one of this site. 天底下没有不散的宴席. But I will stay with her throughout if she give me a chance. I will never leave her no matter what. I will delay the situation of her boss and me leaving as long as possible. Is breaking up with him really so hard for her? I wanted to ask her how she is going to spend the mid autumn festival, with him or her family? Should I ask? I wish I can spend it with her but I already been "booked" for family dinner.
I wonder how often does she read my blog... Does she know how I feel? Can she just accept me? Can she just let go everything and be with me? If there is sorrow, I will share the burden with her. If there is problem, I will solve with her. If there is joy, I will laugh with her. If her leg is pain, I will support and walk with her. If she suffer, I will suffer with her. If she afraid she can't take care of the plant as good as me, I will not mind as long as she have the intention to. I will "cover" for her "shortcoming" and let the plant continue to grow. Can we start a new chapter of our life?
Don't know if it is call fate... Tomorrow got an event that is actually all of us will stay but slowly, one by one need to leave earlier and in the end only left 2 of us.. Don't she feel I really care for her? I also don't know why I will put her interest in the first place in everything I do. Just like today, I intend to buy a strawberry cheesecake for her boss as an early birthday cake. Somehow I decided to buy one more for her. I think I had love her so deep till she had become part of me. My thinking will "automatically" include her without considering.. Even though her birthday is still a few months away, I actually start to plan what I am going to give her and how to celebrate with her IF I got the chance.. I will make sure her every birthday is full of surprise and happiness. I can tell her she will not regret for been with me... Since she already start to feel the "sadness" of her boss and I leaving, can she just treasure the time we had.. I don't wish to leave when we haven't even started....
Should I tell her how I feel tomorrow night? I scare it will made the night turn bad again.... Will she tell me anything? I will see if she will bring up anything tomorrow night before I decide to tell her my feeling....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
30th September
Helping colleague to buy 大中国 mooncake. How I wish I got a chance to carry it to her house one day. I know it will be awkward if I were to buy mooncake for her family now, so I just buy 2 pieces of the yam mooncake and let her bring home. I hope she will know my intention. This week seem to be slow.. Today is just Wednesday. Maybe it is like this when a person doesn't look forward for anything. Sometime I just feel like asking her what is her thinking.. She seem to be planning something but I don't know if I should ask. Will she tell me if I ask? From the surface, it seem like I am of high chance but I don't dare to pin any high expectation as usually it will become disappointment. Can she please don't disappoint me again? I really like her very much and don't wish to miss her.
She wanted to return me the money for concert tickets, but what I had done is not something that can be determine by money. Do she still need to be so calculative to me? Is the value of what I had done in her heart is only measure by money? Sad to say, maybe... I wanted to tell her today, what is money if I can be together with her? But I think it will affect her mood if I were to say.. Just like the song, "One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love".. I think I will go through everyday just like currently, accompany her, chat with her, surprise her, think for her, help her, care for her, etc. Even if I decided to leave, I will do it silently... And it seem like I can't escape any longer...
After today meeting, 2 person is leaving this site for "better prospect". Her boss told me "我看我们也是时候考虑一下了"... I guess if I were to tender, it will somehow affect her boss decision to tender also..
She wanted to return me the money for concert tickets, but what I had done is not something that can be determine by money. Do she still need to be so calculative to me? Is the value of what I had done in her heart is only measure by money? Sad to say, maybe... I wanted to tell her today, what is money if I can be together with her? But I think it will affect her mood if I were to say.. Just like the song, "One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love".. I think I will go through everyday just like currently, accompany her, chat with her, surprise her, think for her, help her, care for her, etc. Even if I decided to leave, I will do it silently... And it seem like I can't escape any longer...
After today meeting, 2 person is leaving this site for "better prospect". Her boss told me "我看我们也是时候考虑一下了"... I guess if I were to tender, it will somehow affect her boss decision to tender also..
Mooncake for her
This is from an old brand yam mooncake that I bought yesterday. I guess this is one of her favorite. If she give me a chance, I will buy for her different variety of mooncakes every year and not forgetting 大中国 mooncake for her family no matter how long the queue will be.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
29th September
Why this shutdown is so tiring? I feeling more tired than the previous shutdown. Maybe this time is not only physiacal but also mental... I guess no matter how much I do, it will still lose to a verbal "I love you" from him.
I heard the new taking over company practice is they will not offer the same terms as the existing company but lower. If that is really the truth, I guess leaving this site will be less unbearing as someone will be leaving with me. At that time, she no need to be vex over my constant pressure for answer. Me and she will also no need to decide as environment will decide for us to be apart.
Do she want to be like 常在心? She got feeling for 小鲍 but don't want to say. Even when he planned to leave, she still don't ask him to stay or tell him her feeling. And later when he almost got accident, she then show her feeling. Drama is different from real life. In drama, it is preplanned, getting back together is easy. In real life, once it gone, most probably it can't return. If that is what she plan, I also can't say anything but hope she don't regret. Till now, she still didn't tell me anything despite I ask her a few times. In office, she don't want to talk about this. After office hour, she also don't want to say... Since she don't want to face it, I should not forced it. If she want to miss the chance, then let be it... What can I do?
Although I had "announced" my planned leave today, I got a feeling that it will be changed... Maybe I will not wait that long... I will tell her this by then.
最近还好吗 想念的心开不了口
枯想着你有没有好好过 担心着你每天生活
你好吗 最近如何 照顾身体工作加油
我一个人也会勇敢好好过 不让你担心多一秒
想念着 每天每秒我们故事 每天每秒说好的事
两个人一起散步 是最浪漫的事
你是我的天使 给我力量能够坚持
那些关心问候 翅膀一样的双手
是我最幸福的所有
心里面有你建的角落
脆弱时我能够躲一躲
你爱我 像翅膀一样温柔的手
我要抱着你不要再错过
你的爱 是最蓝那片天空
I can feel she is starting to be more "open" towards me. Is she starting to accept me? Or is I thinking too much again? Can she please tell me?
On the way back home, walk past one of the traditional brand mooncake shophouse and saw a long queue. Queued for quite some time just to buy 2 pieces only...
I heard the new taking over company practice is they will not offer the same terms as the existing company but lower. If that is really the truth, I guess leaving this site will be less unbearing as someone will be leaving with me. At that time, she no need to be vex over my constant pressure for answer. Me and she will also no need to decide as environment will decide for us to be apart.
Do she want to be like 常在心? She got feeling for 小鲍 but don't want to say. Even when he planned to leave, she still don't ask him to stay or tell him her feeling. And later when he almost got accident, she then show her feeling. Drama is different from real life. In drama, it is preplanned, getting back together is easy. In real life, once it gone, most probably it can't return. If that is what she plan, I also can't say anything but hope she don't regret. Till now, she still didn't tell me anything despite I ask her a few times. In office, she don't want to talk about this. After office hour, she also don't want to say... Since she don't want to face it, I should not forced it. If she want to miss the chance, then let be it... What can I do?
Although I had "announced" my planned leave today, I got a feeling that it will be changed... Maybe I will not wait that long... I will tell her this by then.
最近还好吗 想念的心开不了口
枯想着你有没有好好过 担心着你每天生活
你好吗 最近如何 照顾身体工作加油
我一个人也会勇敢好好过 不让你担心多一秒
想念着 每天每秒我们故事 每天每秒说好的事
两个人一起散步 是最浪漫的事
你是我的天使 给我力量能够坚持
那些关心问候 翅膀一样的双手
是我最幸福的所有
心里面有你建的角落
脆弱时我能够躲一躲
你爱我 像翅膀一样温柔的手
我要抱着你不要再错过
你的爱 是最蓝那片天空
I can feel she is starting to be more "open" towards me. Is she starting to accept me? Or is I thinking too much again? Can she please tell me?
On the way back home, walk past one of the traditional brand mooncake shophouse and saw a long queue. Queued for quite some time just to buy 2 pieces only...
Monday, September 28, 2009
28th September
Even when we haven't together now, I already feeling proud of her. I don't like anyone to "look down" on her. That playboy kid told me how good is all his girlfriends and better than her. I answered him how good is her and his girlfriends all can't match. At least, she is a "good" girl and not those "problematic" type.
My life in office will be quite free after today returning of equipments. Shutdown over, nothing much need to be done beside those daily complaints. What should I do next? I had told her I will not ask her for answer anymore. What is her plan? To remain the same as it is? Should I remain to wait? or just leave as planned? She can't deny the "better" future we will have together, either can she deny that she don't have feeling for me.
Had lunch with my ex-colleague. Even though I can't agree the way he work but it seem like our situation is the same... We can put in 101% to our work but we get only less than 50% recognition.. Why should we work so hard? We both also don't have any "good" team members that can assist us... Why we always need to cover for others? When problem arise, it will be us to solve no matter we can handle a not. During "peace" time, we will be left aside... Our capability is not limited to the current appointment we in. If simple task I also need to do, what for need others? But the difference is he got an "objective" to work for... his wife... I work so hard for what? So capable for what? Help to do so much for what? For nothing...
Is really tiring... Is there really "一个人的精彩"?
I thought she might want to go out for a walk during lunch, so after my lunch, I went back to office to accompany her out. But she told me to packet for her when I already in the lift up to office. Then I U-turn back to 1st floor. Thinking is some time since she haven't eat her favorite tom yum fish noodle, I go and queue 30+mins to get it and also bought a fish soup for her boss. But it seem she prefer thunder rice to what I bought... :(
Why I can't just "ignore" or "angry" with her? When she try to divert the topic and say "don't want to talk about this in office", I was a bit angry and wanted to ignore her. But when she sms me to eat dessert, my "anger" appeased and chat with her again. Then she told me her eyes itchy, my mind immediately told me to get a contact lens solution for her, but in the end, I can only find irritation relief eyedrop. I don't know why I just can't get angry with her. Wanted to ignore her but once she sms me, I will forget what happened. When she tell me she not feeling well or her problem, I will want to help her in whatever ways I can...
Did my action today moved her heart? I think she is old enough to think who is good for her, no point I keep emphasis on who is better.. When she just come to this site, it is Michelle and Shaun wedding... Now is Fann and Chris wedding, will there be any change to my relationship with her?
My life in office will be quite free after today returning of equipments. Shutdown over, nothing much need to be done beside those daily complaints. What should I do next? I had told her I will not ask her for answer anymore. What is her plan? To remain the same as it is? Should I remain to wait? or just leave as planned? She can't deny the "better" future we will have together, either can she deny that she don't have feeling for me.
Had lunch with my ex-colleague. Even though I can't agree the way he work but it seem like our situation is the same... We can put in 101% to our work but we get only less than 50% recognition.. Why should we work so hard? We both also don't have any "good" team members that can assist us... Why we always need to cover for others? When problem arise, it will be us to solve no matter we can handle a not. During "peace" time, we will be left aside... Our capability is not limited to the current appointment we in. If simple task I also need to do, what for need others? But the difference is he got an "objective" to work for... his wife... I work so hard for what? So capable for what? Help to do so much for what? For nothing...
Is really tiring... Is there really "一个人的精彩"?
I thought she might want to go out for a walk during lunch, so after my lunch, I went back to office to accompany her out. But she told me to packet for her when I already in the lift up to office. Then I U-turn back to 1st floor. Thinking is some time since she haven't eat her favorite tom yum fish noodle, I go and queue 30+mins to get it and also bought a fish soup for her boss. But it seem she prefer thunder rice to what I bought... :(
Why I can't just "ignore" or "angry" with her? When she try to divert the topic and say "don't want to talk about this in office", I was a bit angry and wanted to ignore her. But when she sms me to eat dessert, my "anger" appeased and chat with her again. Then she told me her eyes itchy, my mind immediately told me to get a contact lens solution for her, but in the end, I can only find irritation relief eyedrop. I don't know why I just can't get angry with her. Wanted to ignore her but once she sms me, I will forget what happened. When she tell me she not feeling well or her problem, I will want to help her in whatever ways I can...
Did my action today moved her heart? I think she is old enough to think who is good for her, no point I keep emphasis on who is better.. When she just come to this site, it is Michelle and Shaun wedding... Now is Fann and Chris wedding, will there be any change to my relationship with her?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"一首简单的小情歌"
Her version of "一首简单的小情歌".... :) Don't know why I just like to "suan" her and I guess she know I am joking with her only... I like to see her reaction when been "suan" by me... hehe...
Her favorite singer... and 情歌圣手...:)
Her favorite singer... and 情歌圣手...:)
27th September
F1 Singapore is over, another year had passed without noticing... Before knowing it, time had already gone... Can she please treasure the time before it gone? I promise it will be better than what she is in now. Took a nap to "recuperate" from my tiredness. But it seem like sleep is never enough... Why she want to come back today? Just for work only? But the work is very minor, don't need her deliberately to come... Anyway, I was quite happy to see her and my tiredness lessen for that few hours.. Shown her the Fann Wong wedding clip that she had missed on TV due to going to concert.. She had asked me why I download the clip.. I wondered she really don't know the reason or just wanted to ask only... Isn't that obvious I download is to let her watch it?
Maybe I too sensitive, I feel she is getting "reserved" in sms-ing.. She will not reply when I ask a bit more over the border.. But when face to face, the feeling she give me is different... Is she considering something? Did something happened between them? Can she please tell me? Seem like is quite some time that I had seen her online in msn.. Is she really that busy or tired or just trying not to "face" me?
I wondered is my expectation high or other people standard is too low.. The engineering team overall standard is getting from bad to worse especially after the start of shift system.. None of them seem to be able to "perform".. even the most "outstanding" one.. Ask them to do something, they can only accomplished with supervision.. Just like today, when I am with them, they will work.. When I go round with her, they will just stopped... I can leave the office when power resume.. as it is their responsbility to resume back everything... In the end, I still had to stay to ensure...
I thought the kid only work wise is "below average" but outside life is also the same... His thinking is just too immature.. He got tons of girlfriends is not surprising... Recently he know of another and start to go after her.. But the girl promise to only meet him on Christmas day and he agreed.. Then he told me he is treating this girl very serious and "discuss" with me how he going to prepare a surprise for her. He say he going to put in a lot of effort and ask me for ideas and accompany him to buy a diary so he can record everyday her sms, his feeling, etc and give her. This happened on the Wednesday that just passed.. Then today, he told me he know another girl and decided to go after her and "forsake" the previous girl.. This happened in just a few days only.... I just can't understand why girls still like this kind of person, playboy I should say.... And he said if he were me, he will not wait for her and just go out know other "better" ones... or he will continue to go after her but at the same time, go after others.... Luckily, I am the "devoted" type and I only want her and no one else.. nothing can change my thinking.. Then this stupid kid always frustrate me... His thinking not only immature and too naive.. Friday "forced" me to go tea break with boss, today again "forced" me to go breakfast with boss but in the end, saw many "high management" people there and he decided not to join... worse, at night, he give my number to a girl which he even don't know but he saw it online that she look quite pretty... and that girl call me cause she is bored... I rejected and blacklisted that girl call... No girl will catch my attention except the she in my heart... I will prove to her I am not those guy that can't resist temptation...
Maybe I too sensitive, I feel she is getting "reserved" in sms-ing.. She will not reply when I ask a bit more over the border.. But when face to face, the feeling she give me is different... Is she considering something? Did something happened between them? Can she please tell me? Seem like is quite some time that I had seen her online in msn.. Is she really that busy or tired or just trying not to "face" me?
I wondered is my expectation high or other people standard is too low.. The engineering team overall standard is getting from bad to worse especially after the start of shift system.. None of them seem to be able to "perform".. even the most "outstanding" one.. Ask them to do something, they can only accomplished with supervision.. Just like today, when I am with them, they will work.. When I go round with her, they will just stopped... I can leave the office when power resume.. as it is their responsbility to resume back everything... In the end, I still had to stay to ensure...
I thought the kid only work wise is "below average" but outside life is also the same... His thinking is just too immature.. He got tons of girlfriends is not surprising... Recently he know of another and start to go after her.. But the girl promise to only meet him on Christmas day and he agreed.. Then he told me he is treating this girl very serious and "discuss" with me how he going to prepare a surprise for her. He say he going to put in a lot of effort and ask me for ideas and accompany him to buy a diary so he can record everyday her sms, his feeling, etc and give her. This happened on the Wednesday that just passed.. Then today, he told me he know another girl and decided to go after her and "forsake" the previous girl.. This happened in just a few days only.... I just can't understand why girls still like this kind of person, playboy I should say.... And he said if he were me, he will not wait for her and just go out know other "better" ones... or he will continue to go after her but at the same time, go after others.... Luckily, I am the "devoted" type and I only want her and no one else.. nothing can change my thinking.. Then this stupid kid always frustrate me... His thinking not only immature and too naive.. Friday "forced" me to go tea break with boss, today again "forced" me to go breakfast with boss but in the end, saw many "high management" people there and he decided not to join... worse, at night, he give my number to a girl which he even don't know but he saw it online that she look quite pretty... and that girl call me cause she is bored... I rejected and blacklisted that girl call... No girl will catch my attention except the she in my heart... I will prove to her I am not those guy that can't resist temptation...
Let "Him" Go
Come across this clip while browsing youtube.. Hope this night will forever be in her memory....
Shutdown over
Time flies. Annual shutdown is just over. Another year has gone. So fast is 130 days since I know her. 2 nights ago, me and her still watching concert, it seem like just happened yesterday. Maybe without her, I will not gain so much. I will not know I can do so much and love a girl so deeply.
Where will she be tonight? Looking at the night scenery outside the office, does she know I am thinking of her? When can we be together?
Repeatedly listening to let me go by Jacky Cheung while waiting for power to the lift to resume back. I think if I never go to the concert, I will never heard of this song. Waiting for some time and I start to consider if I should continue waiting. I don't know how long I still need to wait. Should I just give up and take the stairs? I decided to wait a while more and power resumed back. Will that also happen to me and her? I really hope it will...
Where will she be tonight? Looking at the night scenery outside the office, does she know I am thinking of her? When can we be together?
Repeatedly listening to let me go by Jacky Cheung while waiting for power to the lift to resume back. I think if I never go to the concert, I will never heard of this song. Waiting for some time and I start to consider if I should continue waiting. I don't know how long I still need to wait. Should I just give up and take the stairs? I decided to wait a while more and power resumed back. Will that also happen to me and her? I really hope it will...
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Shutdown
Finally the day had come. Even though is a major event, I don't feel much bothered by it. Maybe there another thing in my heart. I had sms her a few times and as usual, her reply is always got "delay". Is it due to she didn't check her handphone or she just don't bother to reply? She had asked me to concentrate on shutdown first. Now shutdown is almost over, what else I need to wait again? I want to ask for her answer but I scare she will give me an answer that I don't want to hear. Aren't we both very happy when together? Doesn't her heart have feeling for me? When I am moody, doesn't she feel affected also? Since we both have feeling for each other and I am so good to her, why doesn't she want to be pamper by me? I will let her be a blissful girl, happier than now. Can she forget about him?
Shutdown to me is nothing but tired. Before I can sleep well, I had to wake up again.. Preparing shutdown is like organising event. You can waste a lot of time and effort in preparation but all will be gone in just a few hours... Leaving after shutdown is one of the plan that I had considered. Not for career advancement, prospect or money, but to run away from this site. Maybe when I decided to do that, I am too tired of waiting... Can this don't happen? Can I just have a happy outcome? I should wait for this shutdown to be over and see if there is any "surprise" or "good news" for me...
She told me she will be coming back tomorrow. But I can't find a reason for her to come back. What need to be done is only minor work. Can she tell me she coming back is for me? Just to lessen my longing for her? But I rather she don't come back as her leg is still in pain and too much walking will worsen it. Some more she had to deliver mooncake to her aunt later tomorrow. No matter how much I miss her, I also don't want her to over tire... I rather I suffer than her...
Shutdown to me is nothing but tired. Before I can sleep well, I had to wake up again.. Preparing shutdown is like organising event. You can waste a lot of time and effort in preparation but all will be gone in just a few hours... Leaving after shutdown is one of the plan that I had considered. Not for career advancement, prospect or money, but to run away from this site. Maybe when I decided to do that, I am too tired of waiting... Can this don't happen? Can I just have a happy outcome? I should wait for this shutdown to be over and see if there is any "surprise" or "good news" for me...
She told me she will be coming back tomorrow. But I can't find a reason for her to come back. What need to be done is only minor work. Can she tell me she coming back is for me? Just to lessen my longing for her? But I rather she don't come back as her leg is still in pain and too much walking will worsen it. Some more she had to deliver mooncake to her aunt later tomorrow. No matter how much I miss her, I also don't want her to over tire... I rather I suffer than her...
Friday, September 25, 2009
25th September
Yesterday went to have dim sum during lunch. I seem to know everything but what I want to know is her thinking. I don't believe there is any girl that don't prefer a "better" guy given the same situation. When can I have a heart to heart talk with her?
Not going to be a clown that entertain people again. That kid keep insist I join him for tea break with our boss. Since nothing in hand at that moment, I agree. In the end, it turn out to be an extremely boring session. I just can't join in the topic and I almost fall asleep.. Can't understand why people can "forced" themselves to entertain.. Throughout the whole tea break, my heart seem to drift to elsewhere, pictures and songs of last night start to appear in my mind.
Shutdown preparation went according as planned today except for a few small hiccups. She had said how will the office people see us when we are together. Instead of gossiping, I think they will give us their blessing. I guess some is already used to seeing us together and will asked when they see I am alone. Even though I am running here and there today, I am still quite happy as I manage to chat with her a few times when I went back to my desk. Somehow, I feel the plant has grown a little today... When can the plant bear flowers? Will there be flower bud after shutdown? I think it still need time...
Tomorrow is Saturday again, the day that I don't like. I don't mind she go out with him but can she don't stay over at his place? I am really very very jealous. I never feel like this before. I know the more I jealous, the more important she is in my heart. Can the box of mooncake be a beautiful ending between them?
Not going to be a clown that entertain people again. That kid keep insist I join him for tea break with our boss. Since nothing in hand at that moment, I agree. In the end, it turn out to be an extremely boring session. I just can't join in the topic and I almost fall asleep.. Can't understand why people can "forced" themselves to entertain.. Throughout the whole tea break, my heart seem to drift to elsewhere, pictures and songs of last night start to appear in my mind.
Shutdown preparation went according as planned today except for a few small hiccups. She had said how will the office people see us when we are together. Instead of gossiping, I think they will give us their blessing. I guess some is already used to seeing us together and will asked when they see I am alone. Even though I am running here and there today, I am still quite happy as I manage to chat with her a few times when I went back to my desk. Somehow, I feel the plant has grown a little today... When can the plant bear flowers? Will there be flower bud after shutdown? I think it still need time...
Tomorrow is Saturday again, the day that I don't like. I don't mind she go out with him but can she don't stay over at his place? I am really very very jealous. I never feel like this before. I know the more I jealous, the more important she is in my heart. Can the box of mooncake be a beautiful ending between them?
first concert with her!!
First time going to a concert and also first time going with the girl I liked. After work, we went to buy some drinks and sushi, intending to eat while watching the concert. Along the way, we chat and have fun, just like a couple. But upon reaching, we are been told outside food and drink are not allowed, no choice, we consume what we can and surrender the rest. After walking a distance, we finally get to see the concert. Throughout the concert, we also behave like a couple, standing or sitting so near to each other till we can touch each other. When we are about to leave, her leg old injury suddenly act up again and is pain till she had to hold on to me to walk. I get to "hold" her hand but I think she had no choice. At that moment, I am "evil", wishing her pain will be longer, so she can hold my hands longer. But when her leg slightly better, she quickly let go. After which will be as usual, going back home no matter how I wish the night haven't end...
Even though the concert is not very good, AV technical fault, no direction signage, can't bring own food and drink due to they are selling, etc, I am still very happy and I really don't feel tired despite the walking, standing and fanning for you, maybe the reason is you are with me. Do you feel happy too? If I got the chance, I will want to go with you again. But I think maybe you want to go it with "someone". I actually don't prefer crowds, but I don't mind if you are with me. The crowds is nothing as compare to festive seasons in Chinatown. On the way there, I know you had deliberately position your hand away from mine. I had consider holding it but I had decided not to do it as I guess you are still not ready despite what I had done and the previous few happy lunch hours. And my guessing is correct. I don't blame you, I know some things need time. But I hope you can consider faster and let me hold your hand and walk with you.
There are 2 songs that leave a deep impression. First is the song that I tell you is nice , 永远在身边 by 大嘴巴. This song I say nice because is meaningful. "我要和你手牵手，一步一步一起走，永远永远要记得，我们要一起生活". Second song is Let Me Go by 张学友. Can you let him go? Letting him go might just a release to him. I guess because of you, he had suppressing his interest like clubbing. I believe you are not the only girl in his heart. Since his friends and character is not what you prefer, you think on long term, will there be happiness? You want him to "forgo" his friends forever or put him in a difficult spot between you and them?
Do you feel happy last night? I guess he will not do the same as me... Knowing what you like and give you "surprise", or fanning for you throughout the night. I guess there are girls last night that are envy of you for having a guy to keep fanning for you. I don't know what is still bothering and holding you back. I believe you also feel the same as me, I can give you happiness, take care of you, care and attentive more than him. I guess the plant has grown after these few days, am I right? The kid had told me a girl better than you is not a hard thing to find and I also know that but I told him I just like you and you are different from others to me. I wanted to ask you some questions last night but I afraid it will spoilt our mood, so I just keep quiet. Can we go for a dinner and u tell me the "consideration" you had? Even though you keep telling me don't have but I just don't believe from my understanding of you.
1 more day to shutdown. Today and tomorrow will be the busy day. After that will be quite relax. I hope these 2 days I can don't think of you but I know is impossible to do that. Will you have an answer for me after this weekend? I can promise what I had done so far is not only for the wooing process but a neverending process. I will not break your heart. Can you believe me?
Even though the concert is not very good, AV technical fault, no direction signage, can't bring own food and drink due to they are selling, etc, I am still very happy and I really don't feel tired despite the walking, standing and fanning for you, maybe the reason is you are with me. Do you feel happy too? If I got the chance, I will want to go with you again. But I think maybe you want to go it with "someone". I actually don't prefer crowds, but I don't mind if you are with me. The crowds is nothing as compare to festive seasons in Chinatown. On the way there, I know you had deliberately position your hand away from mine. I had consider holding it but I had decided not to do it as I guess you are still not ready despite what I had done and the previous few happy lunch hours. And my guessing is correct. I don't blame you, I know some things need time. But I hope you can consider faster and let me hold your hand and walk with you.
There are 2 songs that leave a deep impression. First is the song that I tell you is nice , 永远在身边 by 大嘴巴. This song I say nice because is meaningful. "我要和你手牵手，一步一步一起走，永远永远要记得，我们要一起生活". Second song is Let Me Go by 张学友. Can you let him go? Letting him go might just a release to him. I guess because of you, he had suppressing his interest like clubbing. I believe you are not the only girl in his heart. Since his friends and character is not what you prefer, you think on long term, will there be happiness? You want him to "forgo" his friends forever or put him in a difficult spot between you and them?
Do you feel happy last night? I guess he will not do the same as me... Knowing what you like and give you "surprise", or fanning for you throughout the night. I guess there are girls last night that are envy of you for having a guy to keep fanning for you. I don't know what is still bothering and holding you back. I believe you also feel the same as me, I can give you happiness, take care of you, care and attentive more than him. I guess the plant has grown after these few days, am I right? The kid had told me a girl better than you is not a hard thing to find and I also know that but I told him I just like you and you are different from others to me. I wanted to ask you some questions last night but I afraid it will spoilt our mood, so I just keep quiet. Can we go for a dinner and u tell me the "consideration" you had? Even though you keep telling me don't have but I just don't believe from my understanding of you.
1 more day to shutdown. Today and tomorrow will be the busy day. After that will be quite relax. I hope these 2 days I can don't think of you but I know is impossible to do that. Will you have an answer for me after this weekend? I can promise what I had done so far is not only for the wooing process but a neverending process. I will not break your heart. Can you believe me?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Jealous....
I guess they are still the same. Always seen her sms when lunch hour come. After so much happened, didn't it affect them at all? Can they treat it like nothing had happened? I guess they still calling each other at night, sms each other during lunch, going out on sat, staying at his house overnight... Does he know she is going out with me, all the happy moments we had together and she also got feeling for me? Can he really be so "generous" and not bothering by it? Or he just trying to "delay" time? Seriously, if it is me, I can't accept it... I guess she had also bought mooncake for his parents. What does that mean? They still going on fine? Whenever I see mooncake, it will make me think they are still happily together... I am really JEALOUS. I been the "better" choice and treat her better but why I can't be with her? Why??? Feel like asking her if she will be happier if the guy going with her is him. I think I shouldn't let my mood be affected by that now... I should be happy as tonight I am going to the concert with her... Will I got the chance to go with her to next year A Mei concert? Or will I attain an "official status" by then?
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