A phrase from my friend “如果两个人的关系跟以前不一样了，谁也不需要再迁就谁，也不需要再为你做傻事，或默默地守候在你身边” After thinking for some time, I think it is quite true. No point doing so many things when the other party don’t appreciate it at all. Is just seem like a waste of time.
Somehow I get to know of the personal problem she referring to and after piecing the “info” together, it seem my assumption is correct. But does that matter now if I can accept or not? cause I guess this is not in her consideration in the first place…
These few days had been eating together with rest of the team, is it trying to tell me to treasure the times that I had and chances will be getting lesser or not going to have anymore? Next month will be my 3 years here… saw many people come and go… from day one till present, the only person that still here is site manager and me… we saw the team slowly getting bigger with people joining… it will be quite sad to leave this place… I wonder those that left had feel the same also? Maybe not as sad, as they don’t stay so long or put in so much effort and “emotion” to the site… Will I still encounter such a good team out there? To be precise, will I meet such a good manager? I had discussed with her regarding should I stay or move on… can be seen she also feel contradicting… she know my ability shouldn’t be just contained at this level but she also know if I left, she will loss a helper, for how good the helper is, I don’t know… Will the other “she” also feel contradicting? or just feeling a loss of colleague and a “good friend” only?
The sadness and the feeling of not bearing to leave had increased due to something that happened recently. I tried to convince everything can be back to normal… my behavior may seem to have do it but I know deep inside my heart, I still can’t let go at all… I know everything will be back to the same cycle again if I told her why and what I had been doing… In the end, it will be misery again… There are many things I want to know why but I had restraint myself from asking her or persuading her to do anything… my reply to her is only “ok” or short answer. What she wants to do, I will leave it to her to decide… What she wants to know, I will answer… I don’t want to “disrupt” any of her decision again… I not sure if she know till this very minute, I haven’t change a bit, just a word from her, I will do it no matter what…
The more I see 溏心风暴, the more I feel like I am like 小鲍. The whole family is turning around him, everyone want to have a piece of him… How much can he divide himself into? How much more “secret” he can keep for each individual member? When he not happy, he can’t reveal his emotion and still have to put up a strong front and think of others… When unendurable, he had to hide somewhere and let out the emotion alone… Despite all the problems, he still had to think of ways to cheer and encourage for the girl he liked, helping her to solve her problems… The only difference is: his work doesn’t give him problems but mine do… :(
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
16th August
It seems like a long time since I had a break. Last night till this morning, I had been considering should I go back to office today… Maybe I should really learn to let go by showing it in action, so I decided not to go back. Feeling tired after my yesterday work... Maybe it is the last time that I will be working till so late on a Saturday night.... Whole morning lying on the bed, even though can’t sleep, just don’t feel like waking up… maybe I just want to escape by not facing anything…
These few days routine consists of work and sleep only… I think it will be the same for the near future… No matter what is the work, I will get involve, so I can be fully occupied and don’t have the time to think… I began to do more cleaning chores at office… cleaning tables, vacuuming carpets, etc… maybe time can passed faster this way…Why should people draw a clear cut between different levels? Recently at home, household chores also slowly increasing… Last time, I only in charge of folding all the clothing everyday. Now whipping a simple dinner also becomes my scope… but I don’t mind, at least I got something to do…
Is first impression really important? Why can’t people just accept flaws or imperfectness? I thought character can overcome flaws but it show otherwise… One flaw will prevail over how good one is… Don’t people know appearance is not everlasting but the inner beauty and character is? Does imperfect person means they have no right to choose?
What is the scariest thing in the night? Is when one wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep… The black loneliness will make one feel how helpless one is… I had experienced this many times… I can’t do anything and memories of the things that what you want to forget will slowly flow in… It gives a feeling of slowly weakening you till you fall asleep again…
Today is the half marathon day… I managed to complete 21km in 2 hr 10 mins last time… Can I still run again like last time? Not to say finish with the same timing, I think even to complete now is also a problem… Should I try it once more? Maybe I can just divert all my focus to the preparation of next year half marathon and forget other things…
These few days routine consists of work and sleep only… I think it will be the same for the near future… No matter what is the work, I will get involve, so I can be fully occupied and don’t have the time to think… I began to do more cleaning chores at office… cleaning tables, vacuuming carpets, etc… maybe time can passed faster this way…Why should people draw a clear cut between different levels? Recently at home, household chores also slowly increasing… Last time, I only in charge of folding all the clothing everyday. Now whipping a simple dinner also becomes my scope… but I don’t mind, at least I got something to do…
Is first impression really important? Why can’t people just accept flaws or imperfectness? I thought character can overcome flaws but it show otherwise… One flaw will prevail over how good one is… Don’t people know appearance is not everlasting but the inner beauty and character is? Does imperfect person means they have no right to choose?
What is the scariest thing in the night? Is when one wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep… The black loneliness will make one feel how helpless one is… I had experienced this many times… I can’t do anything and memories of the things that what you want to forget will slowly flow in… It gives a feeling of slowly weakening you till you fall asleep again…
Today is the half marathon day… I managed to complete 21km in 2 hr 10 mins last time… Can I still run again like last time? Not to say finish with the same timing, I think even to complete now is also a problem… Should I try it once more? Maybe I can just divert all my focus to the preparation of next year half marathon and forget other things…
16th August
什么是期待？什么是希望？希望和期待只是换来无限的失望和无奈。。。 如果是这样，人为何还要期待着一些不可能发生的事，到头来，什么都不是，只有悲伤和失望。。。无私的付出就会有回报吗？还是得到的只是愚蠢和天真？坚持又会得到什么呢？什么都没有只有失去。。。如果早已作了选择，为何不残忍的拒绝，而要给人希望，然后又毁灭它？
人为了什么而活？如果没有目标，对明天没有希望，活的意义又是什么？反复地工作，睡觉不会闷吗？爱情真的会带来快乐吗？如果带来的是痛苦和悲伤，那还敢追求吗？如果敢追求，拥有了就会有幸福吗？如果有爱不能在一起，这是什么缘分?
人真的可以麻木吗？不停的工作就会忘记所有痛苦的记忆和残酷的事实吗？好心就会有好报？那诚心的对待为什么又没有一个好的结果？为什么人总是那么假？人前强言欢笑，人后悲伤哭泣。人为什么又会哭？是因为做错事，祈求原谅？还是到了伤心处？
当一个人要默默忍受着各方面的压力，不能跟任何人倾诉，他能支撑多久呢？如果每天充满着吵闹，痛苦，无奈，失败和悲伤，放弃一切就会得到解脱吗？有多少人又能真正的放弃一切呢？包括生命中最重要的东西：生命。。。
人为了什么而活？如果没有目标，对明天没有希望，活的意义又是什么？反复地工作，睡觉不会闷吗？爱情真的会带来快乐吗？如果带来的是痛苦和悲伤，那还敢追求吗？如果敢追求，拥有了就会有幸福吗？如果有爱不能在一起，这是什么缘分?
人真的可以麻木吗？不停的工作就会忘记所有痛苦的记忆和残酷的事实吗？好心就会有好报？那诚心的对待为什么又没有一个好的结果？为什么人总是那么假？人前强言欢笑，人后悲伤哭泣。人为什么又会哭？是因为做错事，祈求原谅？还是到了伤心处？
当一个人要默默忍受着各方面的压力，不能跟任何人倾诉，他能支撑多久呢？如果每天充满着吵闹，痛苦，无奈，失败和悲伤，放弃一切就会得到解脱吗？有多少人又能真正的放弃一切呢？包括生命中最重要的东西：生命。。。
Friday, August 14, 2009
14th August
People say girls are more sensitive but I think some guys are just as sensitive...
These few days really like in the past, as like nothing had happened before... Does she can take it like nothing happened also? My intuition told me that an important date is coming up for her and she is busy planning for that... Is all right for her to do that as all the while is just I 自作多情... I think is time to stop spoiling their relationship even though I can't accept the idea of nothing had happened at all... But I need to accept the fact I can't change her heart and her heart consist of him only... I had asked for her last decision but I know it will not be of any difference from her previous ones... Her don't tell decision and action during these few days is her best expression of her decision... Seem like she had really forgotten the happenings between us... Is that a good thing?
If I am not wrong, tomorrow is an important day to her. Something more important than work. She can forgo her training in the morning and come to work and go off in the afternoon. To make such arrangement, it can't be something simple. I can guess what it is and that also tell me I don't stand a chance at all... no matter what she had said in the past...
Going back to my usual lifestyle tomorrow... running and training to keep myself occupied... only then I can have back the carefree feeling... Why should I scare about injury when end of the day is just me alone that will face everything... Isn't that happened in the past also? From today onwards, I will just suffer alone, no point causing so much misery to others.. I decided not to bother her again on love matters.... even though I really can't bear to let go... I thought we can strive together at work, go dating after that and cover for each other if any of us need to go off earlier... but I know this will not be happen anymore.... I don't know how long I need to let go my feelings for her... I will continue to restraint my feelings just like what I had been doing for the past few days.. Acting like nothing when she sms, rushing off or doing anything that concern him a not... I think she might feel better this way... I hope she and him can have a happy ending and he can be a good husband to her...
好久没有你的信
好久没有人陪我谈心
怀念你柔情似水的眼睛
是我天空最美丽的星星
异乡的午夜特别冷清
一个男人和一颗热切的心
不知在远方的你是否能感应
我从来不敢给你任何诺言
是因为我知道我们太年轻
你追求的是一种浪漫感觉
还是那不必负责任的热情
心中的话到现在才对你表明不知道
你是否会因此而清醒
让身在远方的我不必为你担心
一颗爱你的心 时时刻刻为你转不停
我的爱也曾经
深深温暖你的心灵
你和他之间是否已经有了真感情
别隐瞒 对我说别怕我伤心
別怕我伤心
These few days really like in the past, as like nothing had happened before... Does she can take it like nothing happened also? My intuition told me that an important date is coming up for her and she is busy planning for that... Is all right for her to do that as all the while is just I 自作多情... I think is time to stop spoiling their relationship even though I can't accept the idea of nothing had happened at all... But I need to accept the fact I can't change her heart and her heart consist of him only... I had asked for her last decision but I know it will not be of any difference from her previous ones... Her don't tell decision and action during these few days is her best expression of her decision... Seem like she had really forgotten the happenings between us... Is that a good thing?
If I am not wrong, tomorrow is an important day to her. Something more important than work. She can forgo her training in the morning and come to work and go off in the afternoon. To make such arrangement, it can't be something simple. I can guess what it is and that also tell me I don't stand a chance at all... no matter what she had said in the past...
Going back to my usual lifestyle tomorrow... running and training to keep myself occupied... only then I can have back the carefree feeling... Why should I scare about injury when end of the day is just me alone that will face everything... Isn't that happened in the past also? From today onwards, I will just suffer alone, no point causing so much misery to others.. I decided not to bother her again on love matters.... even though I really can't bear to let go... I thought we can strive together at work, go dating after that and cover for each other if any of us need to go off earlier... but I know this will not be happen anymore.... I don't know how long I need to let go my feelings for her... I will continue to restraint my feelings just like what I had been doing for the past few days.. Acting like nothing when she sms, rushing off or doing anything that concern him a not... I think she might feel better this way... I hope she and him can have a happy ending and he can be a good husband to her...
好久没有你的信
好久没有人陪我谈心
怀念你柔情似水的眼睛
是我天空最美丽的星星
异乡的午夜特别冷清
一个男人和一颗热切的心
不知在远方的你是否能感应
我从来不敢给你任何诺言
是因为我知道我们太年轻
你追求的是一种浪漫感觉
还是那不必负责任的热情
心中的话到现在才对你表明不知道
你是否会因此而清醒
让身在远方的我不必为你担心
一颗爱你的心 时时刻刻为你转不停
我的爱也曾经
深深温暖你的心灵
你和他之间是否已经有了真感情
别隐瞒 对我说别怕我伤心
別怕我伤心
Thursday, August 13, 2009
13th August
What is the purpose of human living in this world? Do they live for themselves or are they living for others? I had been living aimlessly, searching for someone I can lived for... Isn't that will be more meaningful? Living for itself is agony. Only those experienced before will know exactly how it feel... When I thought I had found the someone I can lived for, it turn out that the someone is not meant to be...
Don't know why these few days my old injury start acting up again... tonight shouldn't be a problem falling asleep with the aching as I had a tired day at work... Why others can enjoyed chatting and drinking and I had to clear up the mess for them? That is life... I realised my appointment to others is a question mark... am I an engineer? technician? handyman? cleaner? haha.. even I am confused at times... but why should I bother so much? Important is I can occupied with tons of work... so time can passed better and accumulate my tiredness.... These few days, I feel a sudden "concern" from a few people... eg. pantry auntie change to buying another newspaper cause I casually mention that the usual newspaper she bought I got at home.. my vendor recently always say wanted to treat me to overseas... Is heaven trying to pity me cause fate had play a fool with me? Or they know that the time I working with them might be getting lesser?
Suddenly got a strange thinking after waking up this morning.. Actually what I had done shouldn't have happened at all... cause it just make no difference... everything is like in the past... behaving what normal colleague does.. She everyday come to work and go home when the time comes... I still the same, doing things that is within or not within my job scope, staying back till everything finish, then go home face back my loneliness... no more persuading her to go back earlier as is up to her if she wants to stay, I have no say over it.. unnecessary sms, chatting or msn will only happen once in a blue moon... maybe after a few months, she will be rotated away from this site... that will be the time when everything is really back to the same old time... If I still happened to be around, me, site manager and cleaning supervisor will be doing everything by ourselves... the only difference is by that time, my lunch will mostly be packing back or go on diet... cos there is no mood and no one to eat with...
Why should I cause so much problem for coming in between them and I also gained nothing in the end... only sadness and misery... She still with him and I still alone.. I shouldn't had let my feelings overrule my rational.. But I can feel I am slowly back to last time... not pinning any hope anymore, just trying to have more memories of the moments with her before either of us left... maybe I know no matter what I say or what I do, is still the same in the end... I am still the outsider... Did my heart finally died off with the feelings buried deep inside?
我等你
半年为期
逾期就狠狠把你忘记
不只伤心的
还包括一切甜蜜
你应该已经和他公开在一起
要等你
要证明自己
我可以纵容你在心底
也可以当你只是路过的人而已
爱到痛之极
才需要一段等你的限期
来遗忘自己
我等你
Don't know why these few days my old injury start acting up again... tonight shouldn't be a problem falling asleep with the aching as I had a tired day at work... Why others can enjoyed chatting and drinking and I had to clear up the mess for them? That is life... I realised my appointment to others is a question mark... am I an engineer? technician? handyman? cleaner? haha.. even I am confused at times... but why should I bother so much? Important is I can occupied with tons of work... so time can passed better and accumulate my tiredness.... These few days, I feel a sudden "concern" from a few people... eg. pantry auntie change to buying another newspaper cause I casually mention that the usual newspaper she bought I got at home.. my vendor recently always say wanted to treat me to overseas... Is heaven trying to pity me cause fate had play a fool with me? Or they know that the time I working with them might be getting lesser?
Suddenly got a strange thinking after waking up this morning.. Actually what I had done shouldn't have happened at all... cause it just make no difference... everything is like in the past... behaving what normal colleague does.. She everyday come to work and go home when the time comes... I still the same, doing things that is within or not within my job scope, staying back till everything finish, then go home face back my loneliness... no more persuading her to go back earlier as is up to her if she wants to stay, I have no say over it.. unnecessary sms, chatting or msn will only happen once in a blue moon... maybe after a few months, she will be rotated away from this site... that will be the time when everything is really back to the same old time... If I still happened to be around, me, site manager and cleaning supervisor will be doing everything by ourselves... the only difference is by that time, my lunch will mostly be packing back or go on diet... cos there is no mood and no one to eat with...
Why should I cause so much problem for coming in between them and I also gained nothing in the end... only sadness and misery... She still with him and I still alone.. I shouldn't had let my feelings overrule my rational.. But I can feel I am slowly back to last time... not pinning any hope anymore, just trying to have more memories of the moments with her before either of us left... maybe I know no matter what I say or what I do, is still the same in the end... I am still the outsider... Did my heart finally died off with the feelings buried deep inside?
我等你
半年为期
逾期就狠狠把你忘记
不只伤心的
还包括一切甜蜜
你应该已经和他公开在一起
要等你
要证明自己
我可以纵容你在心底
也可以当你只是路过的人而已
爱到痛之极
才需要一段等你的限期
来遗忘自己
我等你
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
12th August
After a few days, finally going to post tonight... Maybe today my mood had become a little better... Last few days my mood is not that good, maybe is due to stress from various areas and the old injury suddenly ache again.. I also become emotional as a result and some of my action and words aren't my real intention... I don't know why I will blurt some words out, maybe I really need to vent some of my frustration... That also the reason why my reaction seem cold to her.. I so sorry about that... She is the first one that I reveal my family matters to.. and I am very grateful she is there to be a listener... Although is just a few days difference, now I feel more "free", not bounded by waiting for her to online, sms, waiting to go off with her or anything... If she online, I will chat with her.. If she not, I will not think so much.. Deliberately doing things for her doesn't show anything but adding more pressure to her... Maybe that is call let nature take it course...
Thinking back, I realised I had poured too much water to the plant... I thought by doing so, I can make the plant grow faster but it is the other way round, I almost made the plant died and I deeply regretted.. Do I still have the chance to see it grow healthily again? IF I am lucky to see the plant back alive, I understand that haste will only result in failure.. This time round, I will slowly watered and understand the plant, giving what the plant need and not giving the plant what I need... I will not forced it to grow faster again...
I don't know why today I can advise on my shift engineer on career prospect when my life is already in a mess... But he is really just like a kid, thinking everything can be achieve overnight.. can reach the same "level" as me by just getting the same certificate... Maybe he don't know how much effort I had put in to attain this "level"... and how high "rating" I once got....
She always told me that I always think too much.. Isn't she the same also? Just like today, repairing of handphone only and she can think so much... I just ask her if she want to me to stay and yet she can scare this and that such as hinder career progress... Maybe I have "babysit" a baby for some time and I understand how simple baby can be... Why can't adults be the same also? Why they need to think so much? Making simple things complicated... Just say whatever in their heart... Don't deceive oneself... One never know what will happen tomorrow, why can't we just treasure what is in today.. Is true that opportunities don't come easily but good suitable person is more harder to meet...
对你的思念
是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
秋天的风一阵阵的吹过
想起了去年的这个时候
你的心到底在想些什么
为什么留下这个结局让我承受
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候
没有说一句话就走
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过
你怎么舍得我难过
Thinking back, I realised I had poured too much water to the plant... I thought by doing so, I can make the plant grow faster but it is the other way round, I almost made the plant died and I deeply regretted.. Do I still have the chance to see it grow healthily again? IF I am lucky to see the plant back alive, I understand that haste will only result in failure.. This time round, I will slowly watered and understand the plant, giving what the plant need and not giving the plant what I need... I will not forced it to grow faster again...
I don't know why today I can advise on my shift engineer on career prospect when my life is already in a mess... But he is really just like a kid, thinking everything can be achieve overnight.. can reach the same "level" as me by just getting the same certificate... Maybe he don't know how much effort I had put in to attain this "level"... and how high "rating" I once got....
She always told me that I always think too much.. Isn't she the same also? Just like today, repairing of handphone only and she can think so much... I just ask her if she want to me to stay and yet she can scare this and that such as hinder career progress... Maybe I have "babysit" a baby for some time and I understand how simple baby can be... Why can't adults be the same also? Why they need to think so much? Making simple things complicated... Just say whatever in their heart... Don't deceive oneself... One never know what will happen tomorrow, why can't we just treasure what is in today.. Is true that opportunities don't come easily but good suitable person is more harder to meet...
对你的思念
是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
秋天的风一阵阵的吹过
想起了去年的这个时候
你的心到底在想些什么
为什么留下这个结局让我承受
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候
没有说一句话就走
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过
你怎么舍得我难过
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sad National Day
Everyone is so happy today except me.. This is my saddest National Day.. Why we had become like this? The flowers I intended to give you today, you had rejected it... Not only is the flowers you rejected, my effort in looking for the most beautiful bouquet, comparing every of them, find out which type of flowers mean, which can last longer, what type of color contrast look best, how to get the flowers and present in front of you... I had said a guy need a lot of courage to buy flowers for the girl he liked. I finally picked up my courage to order the flowers but in the end, you don't even want to take a look... I told the florist to cancel my order and she asked me again and again "are sure you don't want anymore", "it is very waste leh", "we can arrange to deliver it to any address you want tomorrow"... do they know how hurt I am already.. I still had to reconfirm again and again "Ya, sure... I don't want it anymore..." I know can arrange to deliver, but to where?? singapore river or rubbish bin?? I know confirm can't deliver it to the office.... When going to put down the call, I heard the florist telling her colleague "他真的不要leh... 很可惜" I also know 可惜 but what can I do?? Carry the flower and walk around alone, letting others know what is call wishful thinking, naive and foolish?
My initial plan today is to do what you like and wanted to do... First we will go marina barrage, after that Japan dinner at central where I will present you the flowers.. then we will slowly walked down to some place where we can watch the fireworks and I will show you another surprise during the fireworks.. After that, we will chat and engross in the celebration atmosphere.. I want everyone to envy of you that you are been loved with the flowers in your hands.. But all these can only appear in my dreams.. All the while, I never expect you will had to be my girlfriend after all these even though I hope so... I just take the whole thing as a gesture of my liking of you just like covering work for you or buying you almond milk tea... But somehow, you had think too deep in it...
I still can't understand why things change so fast?? just within a few hours.. 9+, we still going on fine.. 11+, things turn bad between us... I got a feeling is my too 冲动 and keep asking you question that make the night turn bad... You told me you only treat me as a good friend and that is your decision.. When you come to such a decision? Initially you told me there might or might not be a chance we will be together and leave it to fate but after that you seem to eliminate any of the chance... why is there such a drastic change? Is it because of what I do?
Why is my life full of misery? Last time only house is miserable, I still can stay in office to escape.. Now office is also miserable... Where can I escape to now? No where...
I am back to alone just like last time... What am I seeking? nothing.... What should I post next time?? nothing... What am I getting everyday? stress, endless quarrels and problems....
Mood very sad today but no one I can turn to... Go back to my old blog and found:
Monday, June 04, 2007
溏心风暴
Without noticing, it already June.. This month will be a busy month for me, 2 sites of my office got power shutdown, need to standby on site over the weekends to do some testing and ensure all the M&E systems working normally, not to mention a lot of paper and preparation work had to be done beforehand.
Currently watching TVB drama "溏心风暴". A nice touching drama, local drama definitely cant compare with it. It about family ties and some people doing all sorts of scheming acts over family fortune. Heard the rating is very high during airing in hongkong. People say 戏如人生, 人生如戏, quite true. From the drama, notice a lot of things, no matter how hard the obstacle or failure a person faced, at the end of the road, family is still there for him to lean onto; when the child wear the graduate hat, the most happiest persons will be the parents, true?? I think so. Cant understand why some people can forgo family ties for the sake of money? I agree money is important but is it really that important?? I don't want money but why I also can't find family ties? Why I always find myself alone in whatever I do? Happiness or sorrow all is me alone...
Another post from my last blog:
Sunday, July 01, 2007
1st day of July
七月已静悄悄地到来... Finally get to rest today after working everyday since 4th June. Last nite had a gathering with my frds, went for a drink. Reach the state of drunk, like the feel of brain been numb but dun like the hangover...
Saw the newspaper that one of the member from Soul has commit suicide, suspect is due to r/s.. Wat he write seem to make some sense:
"什么是爱？是牺牲？是要快乐？是要天天在一起？是对方快乐就什么就可以？是伟大？是无奈？是快乐？还是痛苦？是要有个伴？让你在最孤独的夜里心灵上有个依靠吗？是可以培养的吗？有时间性的吗？
走在漫长的道路上，你懂你要的是什么吗？你能用手触碰它吗？梦想是什么吗？还是你要放弃，让这完美的梦想，永远都不会有实现的一天？
尘世间最痛苦的事是什么？可能什么都不是。只是自己的一片痴心妄想。"
"走在这下着雨的道路上，你真正在等的是什么？
什么才算是真的拥有？心灵上的？肉体上的？可能都不是这些。。可能你什么都没有拥有过。
凡事只要已尽力，所该说的话都已说完，是否就已足够了？什么才是终点，如果你一直以来都不知道什么是起点。事实上，可能一直以来都不曾有过起点。又哪来的终点？就算有终点，你又怎能知道那里是终点呢？是由天来定，还是由人来定？"
I find the above really make sense now... Am I experiencing what he going through that time? Is the solution he choose the only solution out there? Nothing to bother after that, isn't that the easiest way out..
当我死去的时候亲爱
你别为我唱悲伤的歌
我坟上不必安插蔷薇
也无需浓荫的柏树
让盖着我的青青的草
淋着雨也沾着露珠
假如你愿意请记着我
要是你甘心忘了我
在悠久的昏暮中迷惘
阳光不升起也不消翳
我也许也许我还记得你
我也许把你忘记
我再见不到地面的青荫
觉不到雨露的甜蜜
我再听不到夜莺的歌喉
在黑夜里倾诉悲啼
歌
My initial plan today is to do what you like and wanted to do... First we will go marina barrage, after that Japan dinner at central where I will present you the flowers.. then we will slowly walked down to some place where we can watch the fireworks and I will show you another surprise during the fireworks.. After that, we will chat and engross in the celebration atmosphere.. I want everyone to envy of you that you are been loved with the flowers in your hands.. But all these can only appear in my dreams.. All the while, I never expect you will had to be my girlfriend after all these even though I hope so... I just take the whole thing as a gesture of my liking of you just like covering work for you or buying you almond milk tea... But somehow, you had think too deep in it...
I still can't understand why things change so fast?? just within a few hours.. 9+, we still going on fine.. 11+, things turn bad between us... I got a feeling is my too 冲动 and keep asking you question that make the night turn bad... You told me you only treat me as a good friend and that is your decision.. When you come to such a decision? Initially you told me there might or might not be a chance we will be together and leave it to fate but after that you seem to eliminate any of the chance... why is there such a drastic change? Is it because of what I do?
Why is my life full of misery? Last time only house is miserable, I still can stay in office to escape.. Now office is also miserable... Where can I escape to now? No where...
I am back to alone just like last time... What am I seeking? nothing.... What should I post next time?? nothing... What am I getting everyday? stress, endless quarrels and problems....
Mood very sad today but no one I can turn to... Go back to my old blog and found:
Monday, June 04, 2007
溏心风暴
Without noticing, it already June.. This month will be a busy month for me, 2 sites of my office got power shutdown, need to standby on site over the weekends to do some testing and ensure all the M&E systems working normally, not to mention a lot of paper and preparation work had to be done beforehand.
Currently watching TVB drama "溏心风暴". A nice touching drama, local drama definitely cant compare with it. It about family ties and some people doing all sorts of scheming acts over family fortune. Heard the rating is very high during airing in hongkong. People say 戏如人生, 人生如戏, quite true. From the drama, notice a lot of things, no matter how hard the obstacle or failure a person faced, at the end of the road, family is still there for him to lean onto; when the child wear the graduate hat, the most happiest persons will be the parents, true?? I think so. Cant understand why some people can forgo family ties for the sake of money? I agree money is important but is it really that important?? I don't want money but why I also can't find family ties? Why I always find myself alone in whatever I do? Happiness or sorrow all is me alone...
Another post from my last blog:
Sunday, July 01, 2007
1st day of July
七月已静悄悄地到来... Finally get to rest today after working everyday since 4th June. Last nite had a gathering with my frds, went for a drink. Reach the state of drunk, like the feel of brain been numb but dun like the hangover...
Saw the newspaper that one of the member from Soul has commit suicide, suspect is due to r/s.. Wat he write seem to make some sense:
"什么是爱？是牺牲？是要快乐？是要天天在一起？是对方快乐就什么就可以？是伟大？是无奈？是快乐？还是痛苦？是要有个伴？让你在最孤独的夜里心灵上有个依靠吗？是可以培养的吗？有时间性的吗？
走在漫长的道路上，你懂你要的是什么吗？你能用手触碰它吗？梦想是什么吗？还是你要放弃，让这完美的梦想，永远都不会有实现的一天？
尘世间最痛苦的事是什么？可能什么都不是。只是自己的一片痴心妄想。"
"走在这下着雨的道路上，你真正在等的是什么？
什么才算是真的拥有？心灵上的？肉体上的？可能都不是这些。。可能你什么都没有拥有过。
凡事只要已尽力，所该说的话都已说完，是否就已足够了？什么才是终点，如果你一直以来都不知道什么是起点。事实上，可能一直以来都不曾有过起点。又哪来的终点？就算有终点，你又怎能知道那里是终点呢？是由天来定，还是由人来定？"
I find the above really make sense now... Am I experiencing what he going through that time? Is the solution he choose the only solution out there? Nothing to bother after that, isn't that the easiest way out..
当我死去的时候亲爱
你别为我唱悲伤的歌
我坟上不必安插蔷薇
也无需浓荫的柏树
让盖着我的青青的草
淋着雨也沾着露珠
假如你愿意请记着我
要是你甘心忘了我
在悠久的昏暮中迷惘
阳光不升起也不消翳
我也许也许我还记得你
我也许把你忘记
我再见不到地面的青荫
觉不到雨露的甜蜜
我再听不到夜莺的歌喉
在黑夜里倾诉悲啼
歌
Post of my previous blog
Sunday, December 21, 2008
家好月圆
Finished watching 家好月圆 till 3am last nite. Had been catching this 40 episode drama for a few weeks. Singapore drama just cant match hongkong... The love between the family is quite touching, helping each other when they faced difficulities. This TVB drama also won quite a numerous awards in hongkong. Recommended for those drama lovers.
A touching love relationship inside the drama:
管家仔 and 于素秋 had been childhood mates and had feelings for each others since young. But they were been separated due to 于素秋 was been send to aboard for study. After a few years, 于素秋 graduated and came back and meet 管家仔 again. Despite been still deeply in love with her, he suppressed his declaration to her due to she been a doctor and he just a confectionary baker. Just when 管家仔 decide to declare his feeling for 于素秋, she met another doctor, 凌至信, whom she took a liking and rejected his declaration. They are happily together till she find out that 凌至信 had a girlfriend whom had gone through hardship with him during his study at London. To prevent herself from been the third party, 于素秋 considered to break out with him. She finally decided the break out when 凌至信 decided to migrate to London with his girlfriend. During this sad period, 管家仔 always stay by her side to comfort her. Finally his determination is been paid off with 于素秋 accepting his love. But fate like to play with people, 凌至信 appear again. 管家仔 and 于素秋 relationship is been put to test again when she learnt that 凌至信 migrate to London is to accompany his girlfiend for her illness treatment and died soon after reaching due to a treatment mishap. 凌至信 also lied to 于素秋 that he had been married just to make her forget about him. Upon learning the reasons, 于素秋 is confused of who she should been together with. Signs and hints show that 于素秋 and 凌至信 reconciled. Thinking it is fated that teenagers love will not be the same after years of separation but the drama at the end made a twist and 于素秋 and 凌至信 together is just a smoke screen, 于素秋 eventually choose 管家仔.
有情人终成眷属，does this eventually appear in real life? Do feelings still the same after a few years? Do both person that have feelings for each other will eventually be together?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
家好月圆 (3)
Is there really any family like the one inside the drama, 家好月圆, whole family living in harmony, full of joke and laughter? I can only say mine is definitely the opposite, sometime rather work 24/7 or post to overseas rather than staying in this house.. Now the only reason that can attract me to come home is a cute baby... Whenever I come home from work, he will laugh and crawl to me, stretch out his arms to hint me to carry him.. His laughter will let one forget the troubles at work.. If he not here, I rather stay out instead of facing all the endless quarrels........... What a "wonderful" family I had...
Watching the fireworks from the TV... no matter how beautiful, it just reminded me I am still alone just like the previous years fireworks... Last saturday preview and today actual fireworks is similar, but feeling is different.. Last saturday, I was happy and full of hope cause I know today I had planned to watch with someone and she had agreed but today I was very hurt and down cause I know everything is just a fantasy...
如果我說 愛我沒有如果
錯過就過 你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當借口
那愛是不是有一點弱
如果我說 愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什么 還怕什么
快牽起我的手
有人說
世界上最遙遠的距離不是生與死
而是我就站在你面前
你卻不知道我愛你
沒有如果
家好月圆
Finished watching 家好月圆 till 3am last nite. Had been catching this 40 episode drama for a few weeks. Singapore drama just cant match hongkong... The love between the family is quite touching, helping each other when they faced difficulities. This TVB drama also won quite a numerous awards in hongkong. Recommended for those drama lovers.
A touching love relationship inside the drama:
管家仔 and 于素秋 had been childhood mates and had feelings for each others since young. But they were been separated due to 于素秋 was been send to aboard for study. After a few years, 于素秋 graduated and came back and meet 管家仔 again. Despite been still deeply in love with her, he suppressed his declaration to her due to she been a doctor and he just a confectionary baker. Just when 管家仔 decide to declare his feeling for 于素秋, she met another doctor, 凌至信, whom she took a liking and rejected his declaration. They are happily together till she find out that 凌至信 had a girlfriend whom had gone through hardship with him during his study at London. To prevent herself from been the third party, 于素秋 considered to break out with him. She finally decided the break out when 凌至信 decided to migrate to London with his girlfriend. During this sad period, 管家仔 always stay by her side to comfort her. Finally his determination is been paid off with 于素秋 accepting his love. But fate like to play with people, 凌至信 appear again. 管家仔 and 于素秋 relationship is been put to test again when she learnt that 凌至信 migrate to London is to accompany his girlfiend for her illness treatment and died soon after reaching due to a treatment mishap. 凌至信 also lied to 于素秋 that he had been married just to make her forget about him. Upon learning the reasons, 于素秋 is confused of who she should been together with. Signs and hints show that 于素秋 and 凌至信 reconciled. Thinking it is fated that teenagers love will not be the same after years of separation but the drama at the end made a twist and 于素秋 and 凌至信 together is just a smoke screen, 于素秋 eventually choose 管家仔.
有情人终成眷属，does this eventually appear in real life? Do feelings still the same after a few years? Do both person that have feelings for each other will eventually be together?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
家好月圆 (3)
Is there really any family like the one inside the drama, 家好月圆, whole family living in harmony, full of joke and laughter? I can only say mine is definitely the opposite, sometime rather work 24/7 or post to overseas rather than staying in this house.. Now the only reason that can attract me to come home is a cute baby... Whenever I come home from work, he will laugh and crawl to me, stretch out his arms to hint me to carry him.. His laughter will let one forget the troubles at work.. If he not here, I rather stay out instead of facing all the endless quarrels........... What a "wonderful" family I had...
Watching the fireworks from the TV... no matter how beautiful, it just reminded me I am still alone just like the previous years fireworks... Last saturday preview and today actual fireworks is similar, but feeling is different.. Last saturday, I was happy and full of hope cause I know today I had planned to watch with someone and she had agreed but today I was very hurt and down cause I know everything is just a fantasy...
如果我說 愛我沒有如果
錯過就過 你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當借口
那愛是不是有一點弱
如果我說 愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什么 還怕什么
快牽起我的手
有人說
世界上最遙遠的距離不是生與死
而是我就站在你面前
你卻不知道我愛你
沒有如果
Agreement...
Last night, don't know why.. We finally bare everything out... During dinner, everything is still ok... only when at night chatting, something lead us to say or ask what had been bothering in our heart.. After all this, I finally realised in her heart, I just a good friend to her... At that moment, my heart shattered again.. It seem like quite long ago, she had hurt me once... but when I think back now, is just last thursday... Why that night, she say she want reconsider if she want to treat me as a good friend only? I still can't explained... Maybe as what she say this is just the wrong timing... She told me now she is on cold war and IF there is a break, she will remain single for some time and don't wish to think about relationship.... On a guy view, my advice to her is he will not be a good husband.... whether what decision she want to make will be up to her...
I thought this National Day will be different from previous... Not only my wish cannot be fulfill, is different in such a way that, this National Day is more disappointing, hurt and sad than previous... Maybe this will "forced" me to let ignite my ambition flame again...
After a sleepless night, I finally made my decision.. My current career status is still not good enough to go after anyone including her... Within the next 2 years, I want to restraint my feelings for her and focused on my career and attain a stable manager appointment.. not assistant manager... By that time I attained that, I will come back for her again... Hope she will be single by that time... and we can have a happy ending... I can also used this period of time to think how much is my feelings for her, can this feeling endure the test of time? I also hope she can use this time to think who is the one that she can give her hand to, give her happiness... I know she ask me not to think about the chance is because she scare I will be hurt again.... I understand her kind intention which may seem cruel but I think it is also not easy for her to say this...
"不曾错过, 也就不能拥有, 更好的你, 更好的一个我" Can we agreed that we will continue to share our happiness and unhappiness, problems, troubles, go out walk walk, lunch, dinner, chat, sms and msn even if we are on different sites? I will not think much until I achieved my career objective... Can we have that agreement?
我想或许就是要过这么久,
花的等待才能够结成果.
路一定要蜿蜒直到这个路口,
才最适合再重逢.
你的眼和我的手都比从前柔软许多,
更懂面对,更懂紧握.
收获
这一路点滴苦痛
原来全都是收获
不曾错过
也就不能拥有
更好的你
更好的一个我
当然我们都可能会再犯错
但这次一定更容易就渡过
未来像神秘包裹
等着你我
用天真勇气去打开
快乐感动
我的笑在你怀中
都比从前暖的多
能够重来
我感谢得颤抖
收获
此刻的我们
刚刚好最芳香成熟
请你陪我
往明天慢慢走
种下爱
看长出什么梦
绕了一圈的你我
终于等到最好的时候
尝到爱的丰硕
收获
这一路点滴苦痛
原来全都是收获
不曾错过
也就不能拥有
更好的你
更好的一个我
收获
I thought this National Day will be different from previous... Not only my wish cannot be fulfill, is different in such a way that, this National Day is more disappointing, hurt and sad than previous... Maybe this will "forced" me to let ignite my ambition flame again...
After a sleepless night, I finally made my decision.. My current career status is still not good enough to go after anyone including her... Within the next 2 years, I want to restraint my feelings for her and focused on my career and attain a stable manager appointment.. not assistant manager... By that time I attained that, I will come back for her again... Hope she will be single by that time... and we can have a happy ending... I can also used this period of time to think how much is my feelings for her, can this feeling endure the test of time? I also hope she can use this time to think who is the one that she can give her hand to, give her happiness... I know she ask me not to think about the chance is because she scare I will be hurt again.... I understand her kind intention which may seem cruel but I think it is also not easy for her to say this...
"不曾错过, 也就不能拥有, 更好的你, 更好的一个我" Can we agreed that we will continue to share our happiness and unhappiness, problems, troubles, go out walk walk, lunch, dinner, chat, sms and msn even if we are on different sites? I will not think much until I achieved my career objective... Can we have that agreement?
我想或许就是要过这么久,
花的等待才能够结成果.
路一定要蜿蜒直到这个路口,
才最适合再重逢.
你的眼和我的手都比从前柔软许多,
更懂面对,更懂紧握.
收获
这一路点滴苦痛
原来全都是收获
不曾错过
也就不能拥有
更好的你
更好的一个我
当然我们都可能会再犯错
但这次一定更容易就渡过
未来像神秘包裹
等着你我
用天真勇气去打开
快乐感动
我的笑在你怀中
都比从前暖的多
能够重来
我感谢得颤抖
收获
此刻的我们
刚刚好最芳香成熟
请你陪我
往明天慢慢走
种下爱
看长出什么梦
绕了一圈的你我
终于等到最好的时候
尝到爱的丰硕
收获
这一路点滴苦痛
原来全都是收获
不曾错过
也就不能拥有
更好的你
更好的一个我
收获
8th August
A day full of disappointment. Thought I can spend a happy National Day with you. For the past 1 week, I had been cracking my head on planning some surprises and what to do for that afternoon and evening. In the end, your surprise is much greater, telling me to cancel it... I don't blame you.. family come first for you... All my effort gone down the drain... Never mind, it is not the first time.. One of my friends whom I known recently, disappointment, came and look for me.
I know tonight you had also put in effort in accompanying me for dinner and gai gai. I really appreciated but you seem just to "clock" the timing. After dinner, you can just told me you want to go home. Don't need to deliberately walk around just for the sake of last night blog. I thought you had something to say but in the end, no... I thought that night he had hurt you badly but you told me is normal quarrel, so is my over duly worrying for nothing... why you sound so serious in the first place? Sorry, I had accidentally saw you surfing the net for chalet and birthday cake. I know you intend to celebrate birthday for him. You told me you looking at birthday cake cause got promotion. So coincidencely, chalet is also on promotion, right? I think you should arrange to celebrate in a disco and invite all his friends, he will be happier... Since you already say he is very important in your heart, so where do I stand? The last? His phone call and sms is always your priority than mine... Why you say you want to reconsider on last thursday night when you hurt me deeply? Why you keep showing your concern for me? Just let my cough worsen, don't bother about me... Why ask me to rest more and have I reach home? What is your intention of asking? I know at this moment he call, I will just be forgotten...
You suddenly mention me about superband finalist, soul team member commit sucide cause of love. It is not surprise, girls are not the only one that suffer, guys also... They had loved and been hurt too deep... Who knows leaving this problematic world maybe is a relief to them...
Why I always choose to walk home? Cause I don't want to show my sadness on my face to anyone and also walking take longer time, I can also go back to the troublesome house later... maybe walking can also let me be more tired, so I can sleep better... even though it might worsen something... but why bother so much... who know what will happen tomorrow...
爱你 不是因为你的美而已
我越来越爱你 每个眼神触动我的心
因为你让我看见forever 才了解自己
未来这些日子 要好好珍惜
爱我 有些痛苦有些不公平
如果真的爱我 不是理所当然的决定
感到你的呼吸在我耳边 像微风神奇
温柔的安抚 我的不安定
所以我～要 每天研究你的笑容
ooh 多么自然
Forever love Forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后 你会是所有 幸福的理由
Forever Love
I know tonight you had also put in effort in accompanying me for dinner and gai gai. I really appreciated but you seem just to "clock" the timing. After dinner, you can just told me you want to go home. Don't need to deliberately walk around just for the sake of last night blog. I thought you had something to say but in the end, no... I thought that night he had hurt you badly but you told me is normal quarrel, so is my over duly worrying for nothing... why you sound so serious in the first place? Sorry, I had accidentally saw you surfing the net for chalet and birthday cake. I know you intend to celebrate birthday for him. You told me you looking at birthday cake cause got promotion. So coincidencely, chalet is also on promotion, right? I think you should arrange to celebrate in a disco and invite all his friends, he will be happier... Since you already say he is very important in your heart, so where do I stand? The last? His phone call and sms is always your priority than mine... Why you say you want to reconsider on last thursday night when you hurt me deeply? Why you keep showing your concern for me? Just let my cough worsen, don't bother about me... Why ask me to rest more and have I reach home? What is your intention of asking? I know at this moment he call, I will just be forgotten...
You suddenly mention me about superband finalist, soul team member commit sucide cause of love. It is not surprise, girls are not the only one that suffer, guys also... They had loved and been hurt too deep... Who knows leaving this problematic world maybe is a relief to them...
Why I always choose to walk home? Cause I don't want to show my sadness on my face to anyone and also walking take longer time, I can also go back to the troublesome house later... maybe walking can also let me be more tired, so I can sleep better... even though it might worsen something... but why bother so much... who know what will happen tomorrow...
爱你 不是因为你的美而已
我越来越爱你 每个眼神触动我的心
因为你让我看见forever 才了解自己
未来这些日子 要好好珍惜
爱我 有些痛苦有些不公平
如果真的爱我 不是理所当然的决定
感到你的呼吸在我耳边 像微风神奇
温柔的安抚 我的不安定
所以我～要 每天研究你的笑容
ooh 多么自然
Forever love Forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后 你会是所有 幸福的理由
Forever Love
Friday, August 7, 2009
7th August
End of the work week... But not for me... Tomorrow still coming back to work.. The happy thing is she coming back at the evening to work and have dinner... How I wish she come back is to accompany me... When will that come true?
Yesterday she said she will told me what he had told her that upset her on the previous night. I waited through out the night for her to online. But disappointment come after one another when the online person is not her. Then came the sms that she no mood to online. Immediately I know he had hurt her again. Wanted her to share with me what happened, but she just refuse.. In the end, I had a sleepless night than her.. Whole night sms her... Morning she told me she is feeling better and asked can don't tell me what had happened... What am I exactly to her? I still can't share her problems? She still had doubts on me? Since is so hurting, why can't she just let go the relationship? I just can't bear to see her been hurt by him again and again... She is the one been hurt last night but today it seem like I am more worried and tired than her... feeling sleepy the whole day... why? She is more important than myself in my heart? Should I reveal more of my secrets to her? Have a decision already been made?
Sometime I really really don't know what to do... I can't tell anyone of your existence.. In front of all people, I had to hide my feelings for you. Even buy you an almond milk tea, I had to "sneak" in early to put it on your table before anyone came in. Why I need to behave like a thief just to express my care for you? When staying back or covering for you, I had to think of excuses. I know all these I do is willingly, nobody ask me to do that... But can you please put yourself in my shoe? I only ask for a chance to be together and you only tell me cannot.. When I ask for your consideration regarding us, you don't want to tell me... Sorry to say, don't you find yourself too cruel and heartless? I know I shouldn't blame you, it is my fault for loving you, causing you so much disturbance. But love matters who can control? Sometime I want to ask you directly, do you have feelings for me? If so, why can't you just give us a chance and don't bother other things so much... Why don't you just tell me everything? What you afraid of? What holding you back? What in your mind? Are you trying to test if I can withstand the time? What should I do for the chance? If I leave this site, will you give me a chance? If this is so, I will tender right away even I can't found a better job....
You show that you worry for me but sometime I don't know that is your care for me or you just trying to lessen your "guilt"? Maybe I think this is karma.. I must have own you a lot in my previous life, that why I need to repay in this life... I guess your family must be those happy type.. Can you imagine a house full of quarrel... At work, full of politics, one wrong step will land on mines... Finally found a girl I like but she just don't reciprocate my feelings for her... and worse, she always give me those disheartening, hurtful, disappointed reply... Can you imagine how stress my life is? When others ask me do I have any girl in mind, I have to lie to them... When others ask am I chasing you, I had to say no again.. I try to restraint myself but everytime I see you or any message from you, my effort will gone down the drain.
Leaving a guy that hurt you doesn't mean end of the world. I know you just had a bad time with him, I shouldn't at this moment cause you to be more miserable. Sometime, I even don't mind to be his substitute just to get your love. Can you please stop torturing yourself with him? He had hurt you more than enough... If you want to "degrade" yourself, I will accompany you... I will reject all offerings no matter how good it is and stay in this site with you.. I will resume back my physical training despite my injury worsen... till you decide to stop torturing yourself...
If you tomorrow night come back to office just to lessen your "guilt", I rather you don't show up... I know my tonight post is a bit of the extreme, hope you don't mind.. just venting out my frustration a bit....
The memories
The things we did
I locked inside my heart
Where i know i won't forget
And now, who's to say, we'll be ok
We will make it through the night
Don't wanna wake up in this state
I just want us both to smile
Cause we're the same
And I know that we'll never change
look I bought your favorite ice cream
I don't want to see it melt away
If you walk out now
I don't know if we could be the same
Baby just talk with me
Cause I want you to stay here with me
Ice Cream (Talk To Me)
Yesterday she said she will told me what he had told her that upset her on the previous night. I waited through out the night for her to online. But disappointment come after one another when the online person is not her. Then came the sms that she no mood to online. Immediately I know he had hurt her again. Wanted her to share with me what happened, but she just refuse.. In the end, I had a sleepless night than her.. Whole night sms her... Morning she told me she is feeling better and asked can don't tell me what had happened... What am I exactly to her? I still can't share her problems? She still had doubts on me? Since is so hurting, why can't she just let go the relationship? I just can't bear to see her been hurt by him again and again... She is the one been hurt last night but today it seem like I am more worried and tired than her... feeling sleepy the whole day... why? She is more important than myself in my heart? Should I reveal more of my secrets to her? Have a decision already been made?
Sometime I really really don't know what to do... I can't tell anyone of your existence.. In front of all people, I had to hide my feelings for you. Even buy you an almond milk tea, I had to "sneak" in early to put it on your table before anyone came in. Why I need to behave like a thief just to express my care for you? When staying back or covering for you, I had to think of excuses. I know all these I do is willingly, nobody ask me to do that... But can you please put yourself in my shoe? I only ask for a chance to be together and you only tell me cannot.. When I ask for your consideration regarding us, you don't want to tell me... Sorry to say, don't you find yourself too cruel and heartless? I know I shouldn't blame you, it is my fault for loving you, causing you so much disturbance. But love matters who can control? Sometime I want to ask you directly, do you have feelings for me? If so, why can't you just give us a chance and don't bother other things so much... Why don't you just tell me everything? What you afraid of? What holding you back? What in your mind? Are you trying to test if I can withstand the time? What should I do for the chance? If I leave this site, will you give me a chance? If this is so, I will tender right away even I can't found a better job....
You show that you worry for me but sometime I don't know that is your care for me or you just trying to lessen your "guilt"? Maybe I think this is karma.. I must have own you a lot in my previous life, that why I need to repay in this life... I guess your family must be those happy type.. Can you imagine a house full of quarrel... At work, full of politics, one wrong step will land on mines... Finally found a girl I like but she just don't reciprocate my feelings for her... and worse, she always give me those disheartening, hurtful, disappointed reply... Can you imagine how stress my life is? When others ask me do I have any girl in mind, I have to lie to them... When others ask am I chasing you, I had to say no again.. I try to restraint myself but everytime I see you or any message from you, my effort will gone down the drain.
Leaving a guy that hurt you doesn't mean end of the world. I know you just had a bad time with him, I shouldn't at this moment cause you to be more miserable. Sometime, I even don't mind to be his substitute just to get your love. Can you please stop torturing yourself with him? He had hurt you more than enough... If you want to "degrade" yourself, I will accompany you... I will reject all offerings no matter how good it is and stay in this site with you.. I will resume back my physical training despite my injury worsen... till you decide to stop torturing yourself...
If you tomorrow night come back to office just to lessen your "guilt", I rather you don't show up... I know my tonight post is a bit of the extreme, hope you don't mind.. just venting out my frustration a bit....
The memories
The things we did
I locked inside my heart
Where i know i won't forget
And now, who's to say, we'll be ok
We will make it through the night
Don't wanna wake up in this state
I just want us both to smile
Cause we're the same
And I know that we'll never change
look I bought your favorite ice cream
I don't want to see it melt away
If you walk out now
I don't know if we could be the same
Baby just talk with me
Cause I want you to stay here with me
Ice Cream (Talk To Me)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
6th August
Late morning, I had told you about the love story inside 溏心风暴. I hope our ending will also be the same as what in the drama. The girl will choose the guy that can give her real happiness and stay throughout with her. I understand say is easier than done, but nothing can be done if you don't take the first step forward... If you can't let go of the past, where will there be space for better things? Doesn't the effort and action that I had put in all this while prove my heart to you? Forget the hurtful memories of him and welcome the bright future ahead... with me... :)
I remember you told me that you never bring him to see your relatives before. I would prove it to you that you would be proud of me and introduce me to your relative, same as I would be proud of you and introduce you to my relative. I would show you how much I care for you as days goes by... not deliberately but the care naturally from my heart... I realised you had become part of me....
Only during the afternoon, I then found out something about him is bothering you and causing you not to sleep well.. Why don't you tell me about it? You still have doubt that I can share sorrow with you? I know that is not your answer as you promised to share it with me during the night... Next time, if you have any sorrow or joy, can please let me know? I will face it with you, ok?
你 放着谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情 能不能说給我听
雨 下得好安静
是不是你 偷偷在哭泣
幸福它真的不容易
在你的背景 有我愛你
我可以 陪你去看星星
不用再多说明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽 是因为你
我可以
I remember you told me that you never bring him to see your relatives before. I would prove it to you that you would be proud of me and introduce me to your relative, same as I would be proud of you and introduce you to my relative. I would show you how much I care for you as days goes by... not deliberately but the care naturally from my heart... I realised you had become part of me....
Only during the afternoon, I then found out something about him is bothering you and causing you not to sleep well.. Why don't you tell me about it? You still have doubt that I can share sorrow with you? I know that is not your answer as you promised to share it with me during the night... Next time, if you have any sorrow or joy, can please let me know? I will face it with you, ok?
你 放着谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情 能不能说給我听
雨 下得好安静
是不是你 偷偷在哭泣
幸福它真的不容易
在你的背景 有我愛你
我可以 陪你去看星星
不用再多说明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽 是因为你
我可以
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
5th August
I agree that decision is hard to make at times but it doesn't mean escaping will solve the problem... It will just make things get more complicated.. Don't want to bother is just another form of escaping, it will lead you no where... Short term pain is better than long term... Remember the movie 游龙戏凤 when Andy Lau ask his driver who is having difficulties making decision (08:30 on the below link) 3 same questions, "喜不喜欢?" After which, his driver seem to know the answer...
游龙戏凤
Maybe you can ask yourself, who can really give you happiness? who always care for you? who you are happy with? who always find ways to touch your heart? who always hurt you? Maybe this will help you easier to make a decision..
You told me you need time to recover if you were to break.. it might take months or even years for recovery.. I tell you I will be the miracle doctor that will speed up your recovery process to weeks or even days... Have faith and trust in me, can?
You told me to treat him as a "strong" opponent.. At first, I don't think so but now I really treating him as a " very strong" opponent... A guy that hurt a girl but still can made her continue to like him... really not a simple opponent I can say...
I am really like a fool... everyday I am doing some silly things.. Maybe that is why there is a saying "only fools fall in love"... Haha... Sometime no matter how courageous a guy is, when he faced a girl he really love, he will find it hard to express his feeling or action in front of her... It will take him a lot of consideration and courage to declare in front of her directly... Hope the girl will appreciate the "hard work" behind...
If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
My Love Will Get You Home
游龙戏凤
Maybe you can ask yourself, who can really give you happiness? who always care for you? who you are happy with? who always find ways to touch your heart? who always hurt you? Maybe this will help you easier to make a decision..
You told me you need time to recover if you were to break.. it might take months or even years for recovery.. I tell you I will be the miracle doctor that will speed up your recovery process to weeks or even days... Have faith and trust in me, can?
You told me to treat him as a "strong" opponent.. At first, I don't think so but now I really treating him as a " very strong" opponent... A guy that hurt a girl but still can made her continue to like him... really not a simple opponent I can say...
I am really like a fool... everyday I am doing some silly things.. Maybe that is why there is a saying "only fools fall in love"... Haha... Sometime no matter how courageous a guy is, when he faced a girl he really love, he will find it hard to express his feeling or action in front of her... It will take him a lot of consideration and courage to declare in front of her directly... Hope the girl will appreciate the "hard work" behind...
If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
my love will get you home.
My Love Will Get You Home
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
4th August
Loving someone is not by echoing the words of love her.. but the action and thinking for her interest.. I would show you that my love for you can go through the test of time and obstacle... Hope you can realised that one day... I know your previous relationship might be a bad experience for you... I will prove you this time will not be the same again.. I had tried to restraint myself since last friday... I scare my love for you will become a pressure to you... I hope one day you can face the reality and choose the one that can really cherish you and give you happiness.. Maybe fate want to test my love for you, that why I had such a hard time to go after you... Maybe this is to teach me that good things don't come easy and I need to treasure it when I got it.....
Why should we always look at things so complicated when everything can be simple? Since a relationship has become stale, why not just let it go? It might be a relief to both parties.. One may think it will be pain and hurt but the truth might not always as one think... If the relationship is not meant to end, even if let it go, it will come back somehow... People often don't treasure things in front of them, only when lost, they will regret... Why regret when they don't cherish the chance they have in the first place? If two person love each other, why would they do something that will hurt the other party? Why bother to think too much when no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow? When two person is happy and have feelings for each other, why can't they be together? Is true that there are many other considerations but if the two is meant to be together, they will be able to overcome one by one including each other flaws.... When one think too much, it will only result the chance to fly away... If one don't try, one will never know.... Just close your eyes and follow your heart, it might lead you the wrong way but you will never regret as you had tried it...
2 nights I had not touched the wine... does that mean I had leave it for good? The main reason I leave it is because I know if I continue drinking, you will be unhappy... I will not do things that irritated you or dislike by you.. I remember you told me why you don't want to start a relationship with colleague as tongues will start to talk and invite gossip which you can't stand... Don't worry about that, we most probably be at different sites by then or even same site, I would draw a line and no one will know about it till it is ripe to be publicized. Why should we keep thinking about this and that? Don't be afraid, let take a step forward and overcome whatever that come to us together... I promised I will be with you...
What if I never knew
What if I never found you
I'd never have this feeling in my heart
How did this come to be
I don't know how you found me
But from the moment I saw you
Deep inside my heart I knew
Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
You were always meant to be my destiny
I wanted someone like you
Someone that I could hold on to
And give my love until the end of time
But forever was just a word
Something I'd only heard about
But now you're always there for me
When you say forever I believe
Maybe all we need is just a little faith
'Cause baby I believe that love will find the way
Destiny
Why should we always look at things so complicated when everything can be simple? Since a relationship has become stale, why not just let it go? It might be a relief to both parties.. One may think it will be pain and hurt but the truth might not always as one think... If the relationship is not meant to end, even if let it go, it will come back somehow... People often don't treasure things in front of them, only when lost, they will regret... Why regret when they don't cherish the chance they have in the first place? If two person love each other, why would they do something that will hurt the other party? Why bother to think too much when no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow? When two person is happy and have feelings for each other, why can't they be together? Is true that there are many other considerations but if the two is meant to be together, they will be able to overcome one by one including each other flaws.... When one think too much, it will only result the chance to fly away... If one don't try, one will never know.... Just close your eyes and follow your heart, it might lead you the wrong way but you will never regret as you had tried it...
2 nights I had not touched the wine... does that mean I had leave it for good? The main reason I leave it is because I know if I continue drinking, you will be unhappy... I will not do things that irritated you or dislike by you.. I remember you told me why you don't want to start a relationship with colleague as tongues will start to talk and invite gossip which you can't stand... Don't worry about that, we most probably be at different sites by then or even same site, I would draw a line and no one will know about it till it is ripe to be publicized. Why should we keep thinking about this and that? Don't be afraid, let take a step forward and overcome whatever that come to us together... I promised I will be with you...
What if I never knew
What if I never found you
I'd never have this feeling in my heart
How did this come to be
I don't know how you found me
But from the moment I saw you
Deep inside my heart I knew
Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
You were always meant to be my destiny
I wanted someone like you
Someone that I could hold on to
And give my love until the end of time
But forever was just a word
Something I'd only heard about
But now you're always there for me
When you say forever I believe
Maybe all we need is just a little faith
'Cause baby I believe that love will find the way
Destiny
Monday, August 3, 2009
3rd August
Today is not my normal self... I know I really miss her very much especially the whole weekend I didn't see her before.. When I see her this morning, I wanted to chat with her but somehow there is something holding me back.. In the end, we only talk about work related stuff.. Only during lunch hour, I can be like the past, talk to her freely.. like nothing had happened at all... Once back at the desk, the feeling comes back, wanted to bchat her but something just telling me no... only replying her when she message me.... not initialing any non work related issue.. whole day trying to let myself occupied with work, going up and down, rearranging training room setup, inspecting the area with the cleaning supervisor, supervising cleaner cleaning.... only when it is almost time to knock off, I start to do my "official" job scope, keying in the monthly data... then instead of my usual practice of knocking off with her together, I asked her to go off first and told her I still had data to key but that is not critical at all... why would I behave like this today? I really don't know..
Since morning, I already feel very tired, mentally.. this tiredness is not those type that by resting more can recover... wanted to tell her today, actually all those work that I had covered for her and over the past weekend, by asking me to rest more doesn't help to resolve my tiredness.. but if she spend more time with me, go gai gai with me, I will be happier and maybe not feel so "tiring".... In the end, what I want to say just stay inside my heart....
I promise her I will try not to turn to drinking even I can't sleep and I had listened to her and last night I didn't touch it at all.. But I think without knowing, I had loaded myself with work, trying to keep myself busy and tired, so I can don't think too much... the past weekend is a good example... I really get tired but I still think a lot... and also sleepless nights...
After last night, her msn with me... I know she is very unhappy and tired also with her relationship... I wish that she can return back to her single status immediately as he simply can't give her happiness at all but I know I am very selfish, bad to have this thinking of asking her to break.. I don't know what I should do... Maybe this also resulted partly in my "tiredness".. I too tired to initial anything already, just doing what she want me to.... if she chat with me, I would reply, if she want gai gai, I would accompany her, if she want me to online, I would online... Tonight is also the first night that I had "deserted" my handphone... Maybe my intuition tell me it will not sound at all or even it sound, it will not be from her... nothing that come from the handphone is important to me now except from her.. I also had my msn offline which is a very rare action I will do...
If you want me to do anything, please let me know, I will do it for you... Trust me, my feelings for you had never changed at all despite the abnormal behavior I mentioned above... I will always be there for you, trying my best to be your guardian angel.. If you want me online, just let me know and I will online...
告诉我 你等待的是我
告诉我 你不要再错过
你闪烁的眼眸
仿佛有些话始终
无法说出口
你快对我说
别害怕没有把握
告诉我 你曾失去太多
告诉我 你也害怕寂寞
我知道你无法
去摆脱过去失败
挫折的伤痛
你快对我说
别总是不知所措
想着你的黑夜
我想着你的容颜
反反复复 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你一样不成眠
告诉我 你也盼我出现
想着你的黑夜
我想着你的容颜
反反复复 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你想我千百遍
告诉我 一切都会实现
孤枕难眠
Since morning, I already feel very tired, mentally.. this tiredness is not those type that by resting more can recover... wanted to tell her today, actually all those work that I had covered for her and over the past weekend, by asking me to rest more doesn't help to resolve my tiredness.. but if she spend more time with me, go gai gai with me, I will be happier and maybe not feel so "tiring".... In the end, what I want to say just stay inside my heart....
I promise her I will try not to turn to drinking even I can't sleep and I had listened to her and last night I didn't touch it at all.. But I think without knowing, I had loaded myself with work, trying to keep myself busy and tired, so I can don't think too much... the past weekend is a good example... I really get tired but I still think a lot... and also sleepless nights...
After last night, her msn with me... I know she is very unhappy and tired also with her relationship... I wish that she can return back to her single status immediately as he simply can't give her happiness at all but I know I am very selfish, bad to have this thinking of asking her to break.. I don't know what I should do... Maybe this also resulted partly in my "tiredness".. I too tired to initial anything already, just doing what she want me to.... if she chat with me, I would reply, if she want gai gai, I would accompany her, if she want me to online, I would online... Tonight is also the first night that I had "deserted" my handphone... Maybe my intuition tell me it will not sound at all or even it sound, it will not be from her... nothing that come from the handphone is important to me now except from her.. I also had my msn offline which is a very rare action I will do...
If you want me to do anything, please let me know, I will do it for you... Trust me, my feelings for you had never changed at all despite the abnormal behavior I mentioned above... I will always be there for you, trying my best to be your guardian angel.. If you want me online, just let me know and I will online...
告诉我 你等待的是我
告诉我 你不要再错过
你闪烁的眼眸
仿佛有些话始终
无法说出口
你快对我说
别害怕没有把握
告诉我 你曾失去太多
告诉我 你也害怕寂寞
我知道你无法
去摆脱过去失败
挫折的伤痛
你快对我说
别总是不知所措
想着你的黑夜
我想着你的容颜
反反复复 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你一样不成眠
告诉我 你也盼我出现
想着你的黑夜
我想着你的容颜
反反复复 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你想我千百遍
告诉我 一切都会实现
孤枕难眠
Sorry!!!!
Sorry I had misunderstood you on your yesterday night issue in my previous post... Instead of trying to understand, I doubt you.. I am really sorry.... I never expect you will bring up my existence to him and I still blame you... I know by saying sorry will not help much but I don't know what else I can do... I hope you will accept my apologies... SORRY!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Your 2nd decision
I really don't know you like him so much. If I know earlier, I will control my feelings for you and all this will not happened. Remember the first time we went out to the IT show and chat at Marina Square Macdonald, during that time, I don't know you are already attached. I feel that we can click quite well, sharing all our past information (eg. What we do in our poly times, past job experience, interest, etc). I find out we actually had too much in common...
I know it is not easy to adapt to a new site especially a higher requirement front office, some more the cres team don't seem to have a good impression of you. They follow your instruction just because you are the DSM. To facilitate your working here easier and happier, I decided to be the mediator and pave the way for you. I show you around, telling you where need to pay more attention, where is less critical. I hope bit by bit, I can slowly influence you to change the style you bring over from atrium. Remember I told you "when you don't expect too much, you will not be disappointed as much". I not saying your way of doing things is wrong but it is hard to use it on the cleaning team over here. Instead of stating your expectation only, they would prefer you will be involved, or discussed with them. By just some simple action, they will find it is not that you are trying to make things hard for them but to improve the current situation. And things can only improve bit by bit and not at one go. I don't know if you still remember got one time, you, me and cleaning supervisor do a site inspection. Many areas are not up to your expectation and you had asked him to improve. He say ok in front of you but maybe you do not know after you left, he "grumble" to me. Then I and him run through everything again, explaining why some areas fail and advice him how to improve which he also agreed willingly. At that moment, I decided to "represent" you and show them you are not making things hard for them by understanding their work and helping them in whatever I can (eg. collecting cups for the pantry staff, fixing the loosen mop, etc). Maybe I don't really draw any line between me and them and my appointment is different from you, they tend to feedback more to me. With feedbacks from you and them, I think of ways to facilitate both sides even I had to hands on also (washing aircon diffuser), I also don't mind. Maybe they see us together too often, they start don't mind doing "extra" when you ask them to. Slowly they start to change the impression of you and you also become more flexible which is a good thing for teamwork. In the process, I had start to drift apart from my own engineering team...
I tend to spend more time with you and pay attention to what you say.. Trying to know you more through any ways I can. I always take note of what you like, dislike and where you want to go. Covering your job, standby for you become my work scope. When seeing you troubled and unhappy, I would think of ways to make you laugh. Thinking you might be tired, I would try to help you in whatever I can. When know you had to stay for any jobs, I would find some excuses and stay back with you... even on weekends, I would also deliberately come back to accompany you... Seeing you nobody accompany you for lunch, I turn down other lunch offer. I would find some opportunities to give you surprise like buying your favorite food that you had not eaten for some time. Knowing you are forgetful, I would constantly remind you or pass down instruction that you had forgotten. When going out or lunch, I would look out for any holes on the ground or uneven ground as you are wearing heels, look out for traffic when crossing the road. I also develop the habit of sms, bchat with you, turning my head to see if you are around, follow you around, finding ways to ask you out... When I know you like to watch TVB drama but usually not free to watch at home, I convert all the drama to handphone format and find the player so you can watch it on the move.. Even though the conversion is time consuming but thinking you can enjoy it, I don't mind it at all...
Next is the steamboat farewell dinner. We went shopping for your clothing after the dinner. You told me you don't like walking but you still walked from Bugis to Singapore River with me and had a long chat over there. You give me a feeling that we can most probably be more than normal friends. But reality is cruel. The next day, you break a sad news to me telling me you got boyfriend and is two years already at the esplanade library. But your action show me you are unhappy and insecure with the relationship. I try to act like nothing but deep in my heart, I am very sad. The next question is should I continue to fight the no guarantee war or retreat? Consider for a long time and since your signs told me you are unhappy with your relationship, I decided to go all out, thinking I will moved your heart with my sincerity and effort. Pick up my courage and declare my feelings for you. In the end, all I got back is "give up", wounds and false hope. I suffered the heaviest defeat without knowing the actual reasons. Up to now, I still don't understand how can I lost to a guy that hurt you before, decrease your trust and faith in relationship.. Sometime, I really doubt your words of "touched my heart", "can't bear to see you leave", etc. is it really from your heart? But in the end, I choose to believe it.. I really stand a place in your heart...
I finally realised the damage is so great. I lost career, love, confidence, trust and faith in relationship. I don't know after this fall down, can I walk back like normal? But I don't blame you. You still the girl I like most. All the effort, action I put in and the sacrifices is all the result of been over confident.. I think I will not be so daring anymore in love matters... The career I had build up in all these 3 years is been completely destroyed in just 6 weeks.. The feedbacks I received is all negative.. "start to rebel when only know something", "performance dropped", "useless", "gone case", etc.. Last time, all my work can be submitted to the client directly but now it has to go through other parties before submitting to the client, this show what? The client lost confidence in my work? A single mistake made in the past is often been seen as nothing but nowadays, a small mistake of mine is been amplified to my MD.. All those cost saving, initiative works is always been in charge by me but now it has changed to others.. Not to mention in charge, even involve also none of my business... How will I be able to gain back my performance again when nothing is left for me? By changing more light tubes?? Been always one of the high profile in the team, I suddenly dropped till like bottom... At first, I thought is just negative comment floating around only, still can take it.. Later found out that an overseas trip that is meant for me is had been replaced by someone else.. The trip finally is my turn after 3 years is gone due to the negative comment.... Increment usually I get the highest and will still get a little even when others don't have, this year round it seem to gone too.... The nearby overseas trip already no chance, not to mention the further ones.... All this happened not due to I had offend anyone but only drift apart from them... As the market is small, spread of mouth is fast.... Jobs offered that I had all rejected previously, will there be coming knocking on my door again? I wonder if I still got the strength to rebuild everything... What is my next step? I also don't know... I had no confidence in everything I do... beside picking up the wine bottle... Everyday I still had to put on a happy face and only when nobody is around, I can use back my original face... Is really tiring... Loving you is tiring, giving you up is tiring... Sometime I think falling for you is a wrong... like dropping into a deep hole where I can't climb up again...
Life is never fair.. That guy hurt you, cry a while, ask for forgiveness then get back together... I never hurt you, but why tears also come out from my eyes? I not blaming you or anything... Your just now sms, saying why I only treat you as a colleague, it is not true at all.. You should know I treat you as a very very important person but in the end what you say to me GIVE UP.. I put in so much effort in doing so many things to help you, make you happy, better working relationship with the team even though all is out of my own will, in the end what do I get again? GIVE UP... I cover your weekend work, scare you over tire yourself, want you to rest more, showering you with care and concern, in the end, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I even foolish and blind to the stage where I cover for your job and ask you to go and meet him, as I know you will be happier that way, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I told you all my thinking and feeling and ask for yours, your reply is "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"? Then I ask you for the reason for me to give up, you just give me "can't tell reason"... What kind of reason is that? You want me to tell you my everything and I had told you in this post... I just want to know more about you and you told me "personal reason that will hurt us".. What kind of reason is that again? I don't mind your past and any hurtful reasons, I am prepared to face it with you.. You just refused to tell me and say I will not be able to accept it... You know how hurt is that? Family problems which I usually don't reveal to anyone, yet I told you but even a problem of yours, you also can't share with me, do you know how disappointing it is? What am I actually to you? A colleague only? You say I might not want to see you online, that is the last thing that I will ever do... You know everytime you say "see you online", I will wait till around 1am, thinking you might be busy with other stuff, in the end, I still never see you online.. you know how I feel? How disheartening I am? Maybe to you, is just a casual remark, but to me, I take it very seriously. Everything you say I take note, just like the dance "The Next Wave".. When late night I didn't get your response, instead of getting angry, I am worried where you are, did you reached home safely... wake up in the middle of the night, checking for your sms... but everytime there is none... You know how worried I feel? You say you got the habit of checking sms instead of waiting for his sms, whenever you received sms, you will replied asap but when I sms you, I only get the reply after some time, do you think I am that stupid to believe that? You said you had feelings for both us but why you only show the feelings for him and not me? Why are you so unfair? You give me hope and you demolish it with your own hands.. It is not the first time.. Do you know it is really very heart breaking? I can easily make you stay till every job completes but I still believe I can move your heart, so I choose to cover for you. When I heard of your backache, I thought I cover for you today, so you can rest more but in the end, you tell me you are spending the night with him... You just want to break me down to pieces... And let me tell you today is a straight 13 hrs work.. and none of the work is under my care... even the manager also say it is very 可怜 to see me sitting there alone waiting for the job to complete.. I never even say one word about asking you to come back.... I just reply her with a fake smile... Sometime I really want to shout at you, vent out all my frustration, but when I saw you, I can't bear to.. When I already at my limit, I sms you but after that I will regret doing it and apologies to you.. Once again, I want to let you know although I had sacrifice a lot but I really never blame is your fault.. It all out of my own will....
You told me you are going to decide one more time as you don't know the seriousness and sms me a few times, my heart melt.... I decided to do whatever I can to try to move your heart once more even you just let me had a great fall... yesterday, I walked and queued for the kueh that you say nice.. at night, I scare your backache might get worsen, I offered to cover for you so you can go and see doctor... When election, before decision is made, the counting party must stay neutral to both voting party... You told me you still haven't reach a decision but every night you call him, meet him, stay at his house... yet I don't have that kind of privilege, please put yourself in my shoe, do you think it is fair to me? Not that I don't believe you but your action tells me my chance is very low.... I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't do anything, I scare I will lose to him... I want to do but I don't know to do what... Can you tell me what I should do to win you? He can happily doing nothing and winning you over as he don't know there is still this decision going on... I really can't accept that.. No matter how hard I run, he is just in front of me...
I don't know how well or good he treat you but I believe how I treat you should not be worse than him.. Base on what you told me, I know he had hurt you a lot.. Why can't you just give a chance to other guys to cherish you? Maybe your feelings for him is just too deep for any other parties to break through including me.... Maybe what I guess is correct, you and him is never meant to break even he breach the agreement again as your feelings for him is too deep... Now, you can very determined say yes, you will but when the time comes, the tears of his will melt your heart and let you forgive him again.. Remember that friday night, when me and you had a long chat, at that moment, I believe I already moved your heart and you have the intention to break but when you saw his sms, call or meet him, your heart went back to him again... So I can say no matter how much I do, I just can only moved you at that instance... Can you tell me all my assumption is wrong and told me the actual thing?
How will you feel if he told you he had feelings for you and another girl and he is deciding which one to go with. Then during this considering period, he stay overnight at the girl house and telling you he still considering, what would you think? Yesterday night, I had a talk with a friend which you know also, he gone through many relationship, at least 10+ and you can call him as a playboy also... He said every relationship he also got love the girl and almost all went to bed before.. But when the girl start to tell him about commitment, he will sure break... He told me one thing love and sex to a guy is 2 separate things while these 2 things to a girl is the same thing... He can go to bed with every girl but doesn't mean he truly love them... He also experienced the situation as your his before... He is attached then another girl also came into picture.. When been find out, he just apologies to his girlfriend and say is a mistake and he will not commit again but he told me his real intention is just to "delay" time.. so he can wait for another while still having this one.. I can't say he is bad as he really got feelings for his girlfriend, just that he hoping another better will come... A girl when with a suitable guy, she will not consider another guy that come later even he is better... But a guy when with a suitable girl, he will still consider another girl that come later... I don't know if your his is same as him a not, is up to your judgment.. But what I told you above, please don't let our particular friend know... wait he say I exposed his flirting secrets....
Maybe this is my last piece of confidence.. I only want to tell you, no matter what, my feelings for you will never change even though you let me down once... no matter how hurt or what, nothing is more hurt than losing you and I am prepared to face everything with you. I will not mind your past... the future is what I care... As long as you can give me chance and time, your feelings for me will sure more than what you had for him.. I will give you the happiness and blissfulness, treat you better and make a better boyfriend or even husband than him... I will always be there if you decided to tell me your problems. I will not let you leave me once you are with me.. I will share your joy and sorrow, listen to you and share everything I had with you... I know all these is say easier than done, but please believe me.. I will try my best in fulfill all my promise to you...
Tell you the truth, I had been drinking for 6 consecutive nights, it really made me forget what I had lost..and the sorrow, disappointment, disheartening, hurt you given me.... at least for the night, I can don't think about it... You asked me to listen you for once, not to drink.. But have you listen to me once? I had asked you before not to stay at his house overnight before any decision been made but you still did..
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾後悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
痛哭的人
I know it is not easy to adapt to a new site especially a higher requirement front office, some more the cres team don't seem to have a good impression of you. They follow your instruction just because you are the DSM. To facilitate your working here easier and happier, I decided to be the mediator and pave the way for you. I show you around, telling you where need to pay more attention, where is less critical. I hope bit by bit, I can slowly influence you to change the style you bring over from atrium. Remember I told you "when you don't expect too much, you will not be disappointed as much". I not saying your way of doing things is wrong but it is hard to use it on the cleaning team over here. Instead of stating your expectation only, they would prefer you will be involved, or discussed with them. By just some simple action, they will find it is not that you are trying to make things hard for them but to improve the current situation. And things can only improve bit by bit and not at one go. I don't know if you still remember got one time, you, me and cleaning supervisor do a site inspection. Many areas are not up to your expectation and you had asked him to improve. He say ok in front of you but maybe you do not know after you left, he "grumble" to me. Then I and him run through everything again, explaining why some areas fail and advice him how to improve which he also agreed willingly. At that moment, I decided to "represent" you and show them you are not making things hard for them by understanding their work and helping them in whatever I can (eg. collecting cups for the pantry staff, fixing the loosen mop, etc). Maybe I don't really draw any line between me and them and my appointment is different from you, they tend to feedback more to me. With feedbacks from you and them, I think of ways to facilitate both sides even I had to hands on also (washing aircon diffuser), I also don't mind. Maybe they see us together too often, they start don't mind doing "extra" when you ask them to. Slowly they start to change the impression of you and you also become more flexible which is a good thing for teamwork. In the process, I had start to drift apart from my own engineering team...
I tend to spend more time with you and pay attention to what you say.. Trying to know you more through any ways I can. I always take note of what you like, dislike and where you want to go. Covering your job, standby for you become my work scope. When seeing you troubled and unhappy, I would think of ways to make you laugh. Thinking you might be tired, I would try to help you in whatever I can. When know you had to stay for any jobs, I would find some excuses and stay back with you... even on weekends, I would also deliberately come back to accompany you... Seeing you nobody accompany you for lunch, I turn down other lunch offer. I would find some opportunities to give you surprise like buying your favorite food that you had not eaten for some time. Knowing you are forgetful, I would constantly remind you or pass down instruction that you had forgotten. When going out or lunch, I would look out for any holes on the ground or uneven ground as you are wearing heels, look out for traffic when crossing the road. I also develop the habit of sms, bchat with you, turning my head to see if you are around, follow you around, finding ways to ask you out... When I know you like to watch TVB drama but usually not free to watch at home, I convert all the drama to handphone format and find the player so you can watch it on the move.. Even though the conversion is time consuming but thinking you can enjoy it, I don't mind it at all...
Next is the steamboat farewell dinner. We went shopping for your clothing after the dinner. You told me you don't like walking but you still walked from Bugis to Singapore River with me and had a long chat over there. You give me a feeling that we can most probably be more than normal friends. But reality is cruel. The next day, you break a sad news to me telling me you got boyfriend and is two years already at the esplanade library. But your action show me you are unhappy and insecure with the relationship. I try to act like nothing but deep in my heart, I am very sad. The next question is should I continue to fight the no guarantee war or retreat? Consider for a long time and since your signs told me you are unhappy with your relationship, I decided to go all out, thinking I will moved your heart with my sincerity and effort. Pick up my courage and declare my feelings for you. In the end, all I got back is "give up", wounds and false hope. I suffered the heaviest defeat without knowing the actual reasons. Up to now, I still don't understand how can I lost to a guy that hurt you before, decrease your trust and faith in relationship.. Sometime, I really doubt your words of "touched my heart", "can't bear to see you leave", etc. is it really from your heart? But in the end, I choose to believe it.. I really stand a place in your heart...
I finally realised the damage is so great. I lost career, love, confidence, trust and faith in relationship. I don't know after this fall down, can I walk back like normal? But I don't blame you. You still the girl I like most. All the effort, action I put in and the sacrifices is all the result of been over confident.. I think I will not be so daring anymore in love matters... The career I had build up in all these 3 years is been completely destroyed in just 6 weeks.. The feedbacks I received is all negative.. "start to rebel when only know something", "performance dropped", "useless", "gone case", etc.. Last time, all my work can be submitted to the client directly but now it has to go through other parties before submitting to the client, this show what? The client lost confidence in my work? A single mistake made in the past is often been seen as nothing but nowadays, a small mistake of mine is been amplified to my MD.. All those cost saving, initiative works is always been in charge by me but now it has changed to others.. Not to mention in charge, even involve also none of my business... How will I be able to gain back my performance again when nothing is left for me? By changing more light tubes?? Been always one of the high profile in the team, I suddenly dropped till like bottom... At first, I thought is just negative comment floating around only, still can take it.. Later found out that an overseas trip that is meant for me is had been replaced by someone else.. The trip finally is my turn after 3 years is gone due to the negative comment.... Increment usually I get the highest and will still get a little even when others don't have, this year round it seem to gone too.... The nearby overseas trip already no chance, not to mention the further ones.... All this happened not due to I had offend anyone but only drift apart from them... As the market is small, spread of mouth is fast.... Jobs offered that I had all rejected previously, will there be coming knocking on my door again? I wonder if I still got the strength to rebuild everything... What is my next step? I also don't know... I had no confidence in everything I do... beside picking up the wine bottle... Everyday I still had to put on a happy face and only when nobody is around, I can use back my original face... Is really tiring... Loving you is tiring, giving you up is tiring... Sometime I think falling for you is a wrong... like dropping into a deep hole where I can't climb up again...
Life is never fair.. That guy hurt you, cry a while, ask for forgiveness then get back together... I never hurt you, but why tears also come out from my eyes? I not blaming you or anything... Your just now sms, saying why I only treat you as a colleague, it is not true at all.. You should know I treat you as a very very important person but in the end what you say to me GIVE UP.. I put in so much effort in doing so many things to help you, make you happy, better working relationship with the team even though all is out of my own will, in the end what do I get again? GIVE UP... I cover your weekend work, scare you over tire yourself, want you to rest more, showering you with care and concern, in the end, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I even foolish and blind to the stage where I cover for your job and ask you to go and meet him, as I know you will be happier that way, what do I get again? GIVE UP... I told you all my thinking and feeling and ask for yours, your reply is "ok, thanks" or "do you sleep well"? Then I ask you for the reason for me to give up, you just give me "can't tell reason"... What kind of reason is that? You want me to tell you my everything and I had told you in this post... I just want to know more about you and you told me "personal reason that will hurt us".. What kind of reason is that again? I don't mind your past and any hurtful reasons, I am prepared to face it with you.. You just refused to tell me and say I will not be able to accept it... You know how hurt is that? Family problems which I usually don't reveal to anyone, yet I told you but even a problem of yours, you also can't share with me, do you know how disappointing it is? What am I actually to you? A colleague only? You say I might not want to see you online, that is the last thing that I will ever do... You know everytime you say "see you online", I will wait till around 1am, thinking you might be busy with other stuff, in the end, I still never see you online.. you know how I feel? How disheartening I am? Maybe to you, is just a casual remark, but to me, I take it very seriously. Everything you say I take note, just like the dance "The Next Wave".. When late night I didn't get your response, instead of getting angry, I am worried where you are, did you reached home safely... wake up in the middle of the night, checking for your sms... but everytime there is none... You know how worried I feel? You say you got the habit of checking sms instead of waiting for his sms, whenever you received sms, you will replied asap but when I sms you, I only get the reply after some time, do you think I am that stupid to believe that? You said you had feelings for both us but why you only show the feelings for him and not me? Why are you so unfair? You give me hope and you demolish it with your own hands.. It is not the first time.. Do you know it is really very heart breaking? I can easily make you stay till every job completes but I still believe I can move your heart, so I choose to cover for you. When I heard of your backache, I thought I cover for you today, so you can rest more but in the end, you tell me you are spending the night with him... You just want to break me down to pieces... And let me tell you today is a straight 13 hrs work.. and none of the work is under my care... even the manager also say it is very 可怜 to see me sitting there alone waiting for the job to complete.. I never even say one word about asking you to come back.... I just reply her with a fake smile... Sometime I really want to shout at you, vent out all my frustration, but when I saw you, I can't bear to.. When I already at my limit, I sms you but after that I will regret doing it and apologies to you.. Once again, I want to let you know although I had sacrifice a lot but I really never blame is your fault.. It all out of my own will....
You told me you are going to decide one more time as you don't know the seriousness and sms me a few times, my heart melt.... I decided to do whatever I can to try to move your heart once more even you just let me had a great fall... yesterday, I walked and queued for the kueh that you say nice.. at night, I scare your backache might get worsen, I offered to cover for you so you can go and see doctor... When election, before decision is made, the counting party must stay neutral to both voting party... You told me you still haven't reach a decision but every night you call him, meet him, stay at his house... yet I don't have that kind of privilege, please put yourself in my shoe, do you think it is fair to me? Not that I don't believe you but your action tells me my chance is very low.... I really don't know what I should do anymore.. I don't do anything, I scare I will lose to him... I want to do but I don't know to do what... Can you tell me what I should do to win you? He can happily doing nothing and winning you over as he don't know there is still this decision going on... I really can't accept that.. No matter how hard I run, he is just in front of me...
I don't know how well or good he treat you but I believe how I treat you should not be worse than him.. Base on what you told me, I know he had hurt you a lot.. Why can't you just give a chance to other guys to cherish you? Maybe your feelings for him is just too deep for any other parties to break through including me.... Maybe what I guess is correct, you and him is never meant to break even he breach the agreement again as your feelings for him is too deep... Now, you can very determined say yes, you will but when the time comes, the tears of his will melt your heart and let you forgive him again.. Remember that friday night, when me and you had a long chat, at that moment, I believe I already moved your heart and you have the intention to break but when you saw his sms, call or meet him, your heart went back to him again... So I can say no matter how much I do, I just can only moved you at that instance... Can you tell me all my assumption is wrong and told me the actual thing?
How will you feel if he told you he had feelings for you and another girl and he is deciding which one to go with. Then during this considering period, he stay overnight at the girl house and telling you he still considering, what would you think? Yesterday night, I had a talk with a friend which you know also, he gone through many relationship, at least 10+ and you can call him as a playboy also... He said every relationship he also got love the girl and almost all went to bed before.. But when the girl start to tell him about commitment, he will sure break... He told me one thing love and sex to a guy is 2 separate things while these 2 things to a girl is the same thing... He can go to bed with every girl but doesn't mean he truly love them... He also experienced the situation as your his before... He is attached then another girl also came into picture.. When been find out, he just apologies to his girlfriend and say is a mistake and he will not commit again but he told me his real intention is just to "delay" time.. so he can wait for another while still having this one.. I can't say he is bad as he really got feelings for his girlfriend, just that he hoping another better will come... A girl when with a suitable guy, she will not consider another guy that come later even he is better... But a guy when with a suitable girl, he will still consider another girl that come later... I don't know if your his is same as him a not, is up to your judgment.. But what I told you above, please don't let our particular friend know... wait he say I exposed his flirting secrets....
Maybe this is my last piece of confidence.. I only want to tell you, no matter what, my feelings for you will never change even though you let me down once... no matter how hurt or what, nothing is more hurt than losing you and I am prepared to face everything with you. I will not mind your past... the future is what I care... As long as you can give me chance and time, your feelings for me will sure more than what you had for him.. I will give you the happiness and blissfulness, treat you better and make a better boyfriend or even husband than him... I will always be there if you decided to tell me your problems. I will not let you leave me once you are with me.. I will share your joy and sorrow, listen to you and share everything I had with you... I know all these is say easier than done, but please believe me.. I will try my best in fulfill all my promise to you...
Tell you the truth, I had been drinking for 6 consecutive nights, it really made me forget what I had lost..and the sorrow, disappointment, disheartening, hurt you given me.... at least for the night, I can don't think about it... You asked me to listen you for once, not to drink.. But have you listen to me once? I had asked you before not to stay at his house overnight before any decision been made but you still did..
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾後悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
痛哭的人
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Lost....
Yesterday is the first time I had agitated her. But it will be the last time also. Finally decided to give up after persisting for so long. I also not sure of the reason.. Maybe I really too tired mentally and I give in to her as she seem to like him very much and I know I can't replace him... I had never imagine I will lose this battle. Trying my very best in fighting this battle, thinking hard work will pay off. But not only losing in love, I had also lost in career. 赔了夫人又折兵... I realised in the process, I had given up too much and I had drifted too far from the team and "offended" some people... I think is too late to do anything..
No one ever made me shed a tear and she had done it twice. I don't know why I end up like this. Did I do anything wrong? My life is like a earthquake that had just occurred, over the night, everything that I had built up for so long is been destroyed. Now is in total mess. It happened just too fast for me to react. I don't know what is my next step. If I tender, all my shutdown preparation will be down the drain. Not to mention, I had turned down offers as I thought this will never happened... If I don't tender, can I still face her as normal? Can I don't let this affect my work with her? What is my objective in office when last time everything is for her?
Confidence is my strong point but now it is reduce to zero. But I will never blame her, all is just my wishful thinking. If time turns back, I will still do the same but this time round, I might not put in so much effort and yet getting nothing but full of wounds. Been with her all this while, I never regret. Instead, I am happy, most probably one of the few happiest moments in my life. She is the one that I love most but at the same time, I am wounded the deepest by her...
She insist of knowing what I had done but does she know by learning that, it might change her decision? I might or might not told her... What the point of spreading the misery to so many people? She said she never expect the after effect of "give up" to be so serious and wanted to decide again. I really doubting what she saying now. Should I believe her one more time and let her know what I lost or done? I have already lost the faith and trust... I had fell down once, now I had to climb up again and don't know if I can still walk as in the past. I really don't dare to fall down again...
Tonight I went back to the place where we first spend the night six weeks ago, singapore river outside central. Surrounding still the same but atmosphere is different. Memories flowing back... So much things had happened within this period. Why are we end up like this? Or I should say I instead of we...
No one ever made me shed a tear and she had done it twice. I don't know why I end up like this. Did I do anything wrong? My life is like a earthquake that had just occurred, over the night, everything that I had built up for so long is been destroyed. Now is in total mess. It happened just too fast for me to react. I don't know what is my next step. If I tender, all my shutdown preparation will be down the drain. Not to mention, I had turned down offers as I thought this will never happened... If I don't tender, can I still face her as normal? Can I don't let this affect my work with her? What is my objective in office when last time everything is for her?
Confidence is my strong point but now it is reduce to zero. But I will never blame her, all is just my wishful thinking. If time turns back, I will still do the same but this time round, I might not put in so much effort and yet getting nothing but full of wounds. Been with her all this while, I never regret. Instead, I am happy, most probably one of the few happiest moments in my life. She is the one that I love most but at the same time, I am wounded the deepest by her...
She insist of knowing what I had done but does she know by learning that, it might change her decision? I might or might not told her... What the point of spreading the misery to so many people? She said she never expect the after effect of "give up" to be so serious and wanted to decide again. I really doubting what she saying now. Should I believe her one more time and let her know what I lost or done? I have already lost the faith and trust... I had fell down once, now I had to climb up again and don't know if I can still walk as in the past. I really don't dare to fall down again...
Tonight I went back to the place where we first spend the night six weeks ago, singapore river outside central. Surrounding still the same but atmosphere is different. Memories flowing back... So much things had happened within this period. Why are we end up like this? Or I should say I instead of we...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
