I think the only way to stop thinking of her is to leave... The whole day I can't stop thinking of her... what she is doing.. I roughly caught a glimpse on her checking on air ticket. First thing came to my mind is she is planning on a trip with him. But even that is the truth, I also don't have any right to stop. When she start to talk to me or message me, my thoughts will run wild again. Thinking I still got chance... But I know that not the truth... I will be "wake up" to face the reality again when I hear her sms tone during lunch hours and I know is from him. Why I can't just forget everything?
Sometime I just can't but believe in fate... An ex-couple ( X & Y) both meet their the other half and get married. Y never attend X wedding dinner and had no idea of where the venue is. But when Y get married, the venue chosen is the same and even the same ballroom. How to explain the coincidence beside fate? Just like me and her.. We both had feelings for each other but not fated to be together... I just had to resign to it...
Seem like getting a partner for me is a "major" concern for her boss. Occasionally her boss will bring up the issue again... Maybe her boss also notice my "good" side, will probably be a "good" boyfriend and husband and last but not least, my working ability even though we keep on bickering.. I think if me and her are together, her boss will be very happy... But too bad.... I am not the one she want...
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
18th October
因果，因果，有因才有果.. Do that really exist? I wonder what I had done to deserve this... I just want to find a suitable girl that can face everything with me, but it seem like it is hard.... All along I believe no one is perfect.. A person can't have the best of everything... My career might have passed with "flying colors" but in terms of love, I think I had failed... At this moment, I seem to have everything but short of "someone" to move on with me.... Maybe that is call fate...
Can she really forget about my existence? I can't... Does she still visit my blog everyday? How is she and him getting on? Still going on fine I guess... If every girls are like her that can't give up, I think there will not be so much breakup or divorce in the society... Maybe love is really a thing that can't be represent by value... Just like me and her... She can "gain" a lot of stuff if she had be with me but she rather choose him... That the fascination of love.... I hope she will not regret her decision...
I knew she is online... Even switching my msn to online, I also need to consider... I don't want her to be "distracted" by my online msn.. But maybe she will not be "distracted" at all, I guess she had given up on me totally... Only him in her heart.... But in my heart, I still hoping there will be a chance that one day, she will tell me that she had breakup with him and give me a chance...
I try to "force" myself to believe she is not that good... There are other girls out there that is much better than her... I can really be heartless towards her by ignoring her and minimise interaction with her. It is her loss for not cherishing me and one day, he will leave her for another girl.. But at the end of the day, I still can't make myself believe... I guess my love for her is too deep....
Magic show now... Is she watching?? Is a bit awkward if I remind her to watch now... I guess he will surely not reminding her as what I had done in the past.. Watching magic show is not his interest and he is not so attentive to her... Am I right?
Can she really forget about my existence? I can't... Does she still visit my blog everyday? How is she and him getting on? Still going on fine I guess... If every girls are like her that can't give up, I think there will not be so much breakup or divorce in the society... Maybe love is really a thing that can't be represent by value... Just like me and her... She can "gain" a lot of stuff if she had be with me but she rather choose him... That the fascination of love.... I hope she will not regret her decision...
I knew she is online... Even switching my msn to online, I also need to consider... I don't want her to be "distracted" by my online msn.. But maybe she will not be "distracted" at all, I guess she had given up on me totally... Only him in her heart.... But in my heart, I still hoping there will be a chance that one day, she will tell me that she had breakup with him and give me a chance...
I try to "force" myself to believe she is not that good... There are other girls out there that is much better than her... I can really be heartless towards her by ignoring her and minimise interaction with her. It is her loss for not cherishing me and one day, he will leave her for another girl.. But at the end of the day, I still can't make myself believe... I guess my love for her is too deep....
Magic show now... Is she watching?? Is a bit awkward if I remind her to watch now... I guess he will surely not reminding her as what I had done in the past.. Watching magic show is not his interest and he is not so attentive to her... Am I right?
The simplest shutdown...
The most simplest shutdown I had ever gone through is over. Going back this morning to ensure everything is back to normal.. Even though is simple, it is also another exposure to my experience.. Isn't life is like this? Adding pages to it as time goes by....
IF me and her is together, I guess today will not be as boring... Most probably at this time, I am outside with her.... No matter how I wish things to happen, I still can't forced it... I can put in 101% effort but that doesn't mean I will "win".. Is the same everywhere... All I can do is to keep my finger cross... Maybe he is really her 伯乐... Just like the song below
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个最让你舍不得
感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的 她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的 虽然过去了
我们也都经历了
释怀教育著仇恨 和平劝著天下人
故事发生了便住下了 不管好的坏的
你让我成长了 就算是痛得值得
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了 看看眼前的人
流泪记住了 还是微笑祝福著
伯乐
Up to now, I still asking myself why she want to be with him? If she had chosen me, it will surely be a "brighter and happier" future for her in terms of personal or career... But she want to choose otherwise... That nothing much I can do to change her answer I guess even though I really like her very much... But is there really no chance at all? Maybe by leaving will make me forget about her... What I can do now is to wait for the time to come... Maybe by then, the "consolation" is that I am not leaving alone....
IF me and her is together, I guess today will not be as boring... Most probably at this time, I am outside with her.... No matter how I wish things to happen, I still can't forced it... I can put in 101% effort but that doesn't mean I will "win".. Is the same everywhere... All I can do is to keep my finger cross... Maybe he is really her 伯乐... Just like the song below
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个最让你舍不得
感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的 她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的 虽然过去了
我们也都经历了
释怀教育著仇恨 和平劝著天下人
故事发生了便住下了 不管好的坏的
你让我成长了 就算是痛得值得
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐
爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了 看看眼前的人
流泪记住了 还是微笑祝福著
伯乐
Up to now, I still asking myself why she want to be with him? If she had chosen me, it will surely be a "brighter and happier" future for her in terms of personal or career... But she want to choose otherwise... That nothing much I can do to change her answer I guess even though I really like her very much... But is there really no chance at all? Maybe by leaving will make me forget about her... What I can do now is to wait for the time to come... Maybe by then, the "consolation" is that I am not leaving alone....
Saturday, October 17, 2009
17th October
Another day gone... Even today is public holiday but I still had to go to another site for power shutdown testing... Waking up in the morning with a headache... No choice but to take panadol and go to work.... Tomorrow had to go back to ensure everything is back to normal.. Sometime I think why I work so hard for?
Feeling very very tired... Thought going back home can rest but this idiotic home is full of nonsense... Then got this idiotic person thought she is "very great", everything she do is right, always creating problems with others... and worse, her thinking can't be changed... Why finding someone to understand me and sharing my feelings with is so hard? Am I really that inferior?
Today is Saturday again... I know she is with him and most probably staying at his house... But I don't feel as "negative" as in the past... Does that mean my heart had start to let go?
Our working style is different resulting in many feedbacks regarding her... I think it is pointless for me to continue to "assist" in her affairs... Since we can't go a step further, I think any unhappy or difficulties, she should counsel him or turn to him for support.... as he is the one she chosen....
Come across this song by Andy Lau.. I like the lyrics...
我我为你付出所有的
我的担心我的甜蜜我的呼吸
你的笑绝对的神奇你的哭绝对的可惜
因为你让我明白生命的真谛
可知道你的不小心会让我伤心一辈子
我是愿意为了你今生永不渝
为我你要好好自己保护自己
慢慢的学习不要干着急
一步一步走出每一个谷底坚定不移
为我你要好好自己保重身体
在每一段的路总会一身污泥
心肝宝贝不要怀疑最爱的就是你(最爱的是你)
你你是我一生的唯一
你的声音你的鼓励我的意义
如果没好好的身体
你我怎能永远在一起
外面的风和雨已不是问题
你永远是我的心肝,而我已不是你的宝贝
心肝宝贝
Feeling very very tired... Thought going back home can rest but this idiotic home is full of nonsense... Then got this idiotic person thought she is "very great", everything she do is right, always creating problems with others... and worse, her thinking can't be changed... Why finding someone to understand me and sharing my feelings with is so hard? Am I really that inferior?
Today is Saturday again... I know she is with him and most probably staying at his house... But I don't feel as "negative" as in the past... Does that mean my heart had start to let go?
Our working style is different resulting in many feedbacks regarding her... I think it is pointless for me to continue to "assist" in her affairs... Since we can't go a step further, I think any unhappy or difficulties, she should counsel him or turn to him for support.... as he is the one she chosen....
Come across this song by Andy Lau.. I like the lyrics...
我我为你付出所有的
我的担心我的甜蜜我的呼吸
你的笑绝对的神奇你的哭绝对的可惜
因为你让我明白生命的真谛
可知道你的不小心会让我伤心一辈子
我是愿意为了你今生永不渝
为我你要好好自己保护自己
慢慢的学习不要干着急
一步一步走出每一个谷底坚定不移
为我你要好好自己保重身体
在每一段的路总会一身污泥
心肝宝贝不要怀疑最爱的就是你(最爱的是你)
你你是我一生的唯一
你的声音你的鼓励我的意义
如果没好好的身体
你我怎能永远在一起
外面的风和雨已不是问题
你永远是我的心肝,而我已不是你的宝贝
心肝宝贝
Friday, October 16, 2009
16th October
Had a headache at the end of the day... Will there be anyone that bother about it anyway? 7 days already... I wonder how she is feeling now? How is she and him? I think she is happy as there is no much "misery" and enjoying his accompany...
Today bought porridge for the team.. Partly is because I saw her eating biscuits for breakfast everyday... It will be heaty and she is not feeling well... The other reason is for her sick boss...
How many persons look at the goods and bads before making a decision? Often, no matter how good is a person, as long as there is a mistake, all the goods of his will be reduced to zero... Isn't that always the case?
Today is the longest "discussion" I had with her boss... It seem like if we both were to leave, the whole office will 变天... But when it had to come, it will have to come... That is nothing such as everlasting... I can feel that her boss is ready to leave... "She" seem to have a lot to learn but I don't think I can guide her much... Since she already choose he is the one, I hope he can advise or support her.... be it personal or career.....
Her boss still believe there might be a chance that I will take over her position... Am I really that capable? Will that really happen? When will the scene of having meals together with her boss going to end? Soon I guess....
Today bought porridge for the team.. Partly is because I saw her eating biscuits for breakfast everyday... It will be heaty and she is not feeling well... The other reason is for her sick boss...
How many persons look at the goods and bads before making a decision? Often, no matter how good is a person, as long as there is a mistake, all the goods of his will be reduced to zero... Isn't that always the case?
Today is the longest "discussion" I had with her boss... It seem like if we both were to leave, the whole office will 变天... But when it had to come, it will have to come... That is nothing such as everlasting... I can feel that her boss is ready to leave... "She" seem to have a lot to learn but I don't think I can guide her much... Since she already choose he is the one, I hope he can advise or support her.... be it personal or career.....
Her boss still believe there might be a chance that I will take over her position... Am I really that capable? Will that really happen? When will the scene of having meals together with her boss going to end? Soon I guess....
Thursday, October 15, 2009
15th October
Day by day passed... I should feel happy as I don't need to "suppress" my career ambition... I know I am progressing in these few days but I am not happy at all... Isn't to climb higher is my dream? I rather go back to the past when with her... Even though I am staying put during that time, but as long as with her, I will be happy... How I wish time will fade everything that I want to forget....
Today she still seem like not feeling well... I wanted to show her my concern but I think I shouldn't bring any more "misery" to anyone... Just let her think I am "heartless".....
It seem like in this market, those with engineering background will go far... such as the overseas FM also got engineering background... Will I be one of them also?
我要用力飞, 不管有多远
超越了极限, 挑战的冒险
我要勇敢追, 奔向到终点
痛过的泪水, 换来是甜美
Today she still seem like not feeling well... I wanted to show her my concern but I think I shouldn't bring any more "misery" to anyone... Just let her think I am "heartless".....
It seem like in this market, those with engineering background will go far... such as the overseas FM also got engineering background... Will I be one of them also?
我要用力飞, 不管有多远
超越了极限, 挑战的冒险
我要勇敢追, 奔向到终点
痛过的泪水, 换来是甜美
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
14th October
Another day went past.... Nothing much happened today... She seem tired and most of the time remain quiet... I think she is just too tired due to the cold and nothing else on him... Better don't think too much... A few times, I wanted to ask her if she is feeling unwell from the cold but in the end, I just put up my "don't care" face... Up to now, I still think we are suitable for each other but.... I can't deny my work ability is not that bad, a guy that do household chores, just like watching dishes at the pantry today and inside the lift during knocking off, a user seem surprise when I discuss with the site manager on cooking issue... Why don't she want to be with a "good" guy like me? I can say that my heart is still open to her now, waiting for her to give me a chance...
Her boss tell me to "work hard" when she saw a wedding invitation card. Isn't I working very hard? Just that the girl don't want me... What is her intention of telling me? Does she hinting that my career is stable and I am a "good" guy, so finding a girlfriend shouldn't be a problem?
Work seem slack to me... Whole day nothing to do and end up doing jobs that doesn't belong to me.... But due to I had "hands on", I can reveal much more opinions from different angles... After these few days, it seem like there is still a gap between her level and the level of me and her boss... But given this situation, I am not required to help her to "bridge" to our level... I should just concentrate on my own career and bring it to further height...
She is online tonight again but as usual, I just remain offline again... I guess she will feel better this way... no need to think too much.... just him only....
Her boss tell me to "work hard" when she saw a wedding invitation card. Isn't I working very hard? Just that the girl don't want me... What is her intention of telling me? Does she hinting that my career is stable and I am a "good" guy, so finding a girlfriend shouldn't be a problem?
Work seem slack to me... Whole day nothing to do and end up doing jobs that doesn't belong to me.... But due to I had "hands on", I can reveal much more opinions from different angles... After these few days, it seem like there is still a gap between her level and the level of me and her boss... But given this situation, I am not required to help her to "bridge" to our level... I should just concentrate on my own career and bring it to further height...
She is online tonight again but as usual, I just remain offline again... I guess she will feel better this way... no need to think too much.... just him only....
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
13th October
Quite a fulfill day today... Accompany site manager with the overseas visitor and coffee session.. Leave office around 8pm after a discussion.. After today, I am more confident to say I am ready to take over a management role. Only those that had go through before will have a clearer picture and by looking at different angels will make me foreseen the difficulties that may occurred.. The visitor visit had somehow widen my exposure... I think if not for appointment issue, I can learn much more.... but too late to regret now... I had emphasis too much on money factor during that time... If not, I most probably be the deputy...
Since love path doesn't seem smooth to me, I should concentrate on my career... Everyday I will try to learn as much as I can... especially the way of management and issue solving... I guess those working with me will feel "threaten" when I ignite my flame of ambition....
Had come across this song today, take a bow by Rihanna. Not sure why, a portion of the lyrics seem to attract me. The lyrics as follow:
"But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now..."
Since love path doesn't seem smooth to me, I should concentrate on my career... Everyday I will try to learn as much as I can... especially the way of management and issue solving... I guess those working with me will feel "threaten" when I ignite my flame of ambition....
Had come across this song today, take a bow by Rihanna. Not sure why, a portion of the lyrics seem to attract me. The lyrics as follow:
"But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now..."
12th October, 3rd day...
3rd day "without" her. Got an unusual feeling today for not bchat with her but somehow time just went past... Ask her wanted to join me and another colleague for lunch but she rejected, saying she wanted to buy some stuff. I guess if nothing happened, she will ask me to go with her.
Sometime I really envy her. To me, her working ability isn't greater than me but due to her appointment, she always got the "recognition" and oppounities to learn more stuff. When problem arise, then I will be remember. Why is it always like this? I swear I will not remain behind the backstage forever... I think the only solution is to leave this place...
Shaking leg everyday in office, got a feeling like counting the number of days left.. Her boss ask me how is the "status" and I just answer "waiting". On our way back home, we talked about the same topic again and booked the restaurant for their tomorrow lunch. This restaurant her boss had treat me on Dec 06 when I just joined this job for 3 months. Time passed so quickly...
Have she still come to read my blog? Does she know I still like her very much? There is another girl that I can woo but I know the feeling is just not there. I admit her appearance is better but her character is just not the one I looking for. I think I shouldn't waste this girl time... Anyway, I am used to been alone... Lonliness, my long time friend had came back to me...
Why in the past, she didn't online as often? These 2 days, I always saw her online but I just remain offline... Don't want to soften my heart again. Wanted to send her a good night sms but I hold back... I should continue to "endure" till I left... Stop bringing misery to others... I had start all these troubles, so I will be the one to end it...
Sometime I really envy her. To me, her working ability isn't greater than me but due to her appointment, she always got the "recognition" and oppounities to learn more stuff. When problem arise, then I will be remember. Why is it always like this? I swear I will not remain behind the backstage forever... I think the only solution is to leave this place...
Shaking leg everyday in office, got a feeling like counting the number of days left.. Her boss ask me how is the "status" and I just answer "waiting". On our way back home, we talked about the same topic again and booked the restaurant for their tomorrow lunch. This restaurant her boss had treat me on Dec 06 when I just joined this job for 3 months. Time passed so quickly...
Have she still come to read my blog? Does she know I still like her very much? There is another girl that I can woo but I know the feeling is just not there. I admit her appearance is better but her character is just not the one I looking for. I think I shouldn't waste this girl time... Anyway, I am used to been alone... Lonliness, my long time friend had came back to me...
Why in the past, she didn't online as often? These 2 days, I always saw her online but I just remain offline... Don't want to soften my heart again. Wanted to send her a good night sms but I hold back... I should continue to "endure" till I left... Stop bringing misery to others... I had start all these troubles, so I will be the one to end it...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Heartless....
She had said she is not feeling well... I wonder had she recovered... I think by "ignoring" her, she might feel better... Since she had the decision, I will be "heartless" and not to sway her decision again... Wanted to sms her a few times but I don't think I should do that... The magic show tonight is great, wanted to remind her to watch but I think this will "weaken my stand", so I hold back in the end.... I should not disturb her anymore and face everything myself...
Counting down.....
Finally.... I can say finally... After so much, I had decided not to be the "foolish" guy to wait anymore.... Getting too tired with no result after so much effort been put in.... This blog will not be like last time that will be updated daily... From now on, I will updated as when I feel like it....
Surprisingly, when she told me the answer is him again, I am not as sad as I had thought of... I know no matter how much effort, concern I put in, how much I love her, how unbearing, I still can't replace him... If in the past, I will reluctant to let go and continue to persist... But this time, I can accept it so readily... Maybe I understand "not to persist something I had lost or that is not meant for me in the first place".. Since she think he is the "better" and more suitable guy, then fine with me...
I had "suppress" myself for so long, if all this had not happened, I will already been in a management role... I miss the chance to work under her boss 1-2 years back... If I had taken that chance, I believe I can learn much more and by now, my experience is of another level...
Her boss had expected me to have some decision but she never expected I will made a decision so fast... Maybe after so much people had leave recently had made her "see openly"... Maybe it will not be long that after my leaving will be hers... She is tired after staying in this environment for so long and don't intend to stay any longer especially of this switching over incident... But I surprise she asked me to take over her role... She had think too high of me as I know I still not qualified enough... I didn't know that I am so "hot favorite", a few others had said they don't mind working under me after their current boss left... Does that mean I can be their number 2 boss? Haha.... Even my own engineering boss had "release news" to outside vendor not to "touch" me... I thought he had "condemn" me... I never know I still got some "value" to him...
I said before "当两个人的关系不一样，谁也不许要再迁就谁".. From now on, when things doesn't concern me, taking in my hands is a privilege, not an entitlement... I really want to see how things will become if me or her boss didn't interfere... Will the office be turn upside down or will it be as smooth? Only time will tells...
The below song is been kept in this blog since 5th August... Never got a chance to upload till today... I still remember 8th August is the "first" time me and her decided to go separate ways after I asked her for her decision and she answered he is very important to her... After that, there seem to be chance that we might be together but never know in the end, her answer is still the same... I guess she will not remember that this song is also been played at a shop when we go Illuma on 19th June... So fast is almost 4 months had passed with so many happy and unhappy times in between... time to move on... no point waiting for something
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)
Dreaming Of You
Surprisingly, when she told me the answer is him again, I am not as sad as I had thought of... I know no matter how much effort, concern I put in, how much I love her, how unbearing, I still can't replace him... If in the past, I will reluctant to let go and continue to persist... But this time, I can accept it so readily... Maybe I understand "not to persist something I had lost or that is not meant for me in the first place".. Since she think he is the "better" and more suitable guy, then fine with me...
I had "suppress" myself for so long, if all this had not happened, I will already been in a management role... I miss the chance to work under her boss 1-2 years back... If I had taken that chance, I believe I can learn much more and by now, my experience is of another level...
Her boss had expected me to have some decision but she never expected I will made a decision so fast... Maybe after so much people had leave recently had made her "see openly"... Maybe it will not be long that after my leaving will be hers... She is tired after staying in this environment for so long and don't intend to stay any longer especially of this switching over incident... But I surprise she asked me to take over her role... She had think too high of me as I know I still not qualified enough... I didn't know that I am so "hot favorite", a few others had said they don't mind working under me after their current boss left... Does that mean I can be their number 2 boss? Haha.... Even my own engineering boss had "release news" to outside vendor not to "touch" me... I thought he had "condemn" me... I never know I still got some "value" to him...
I said before "当两个人的关系不一样，谁也不许要再迁就谁".. From now on, when things doesn't concern me, taking in my hands is a privilege, not an entitlement... I really want to see how things will become if me or her boss didn't interfere... Will the office be turn upside down or will it be as smooth? Only time will tells...
The below song is been kept in this blog since 5th August... Never got a chance to upload till today... I still remember 8th August is the "first" time me and her decided to go separate ways after I asked her for her decision and she answered he is very important to her... After that, there seem to be chance that we might be together but never know in the end, her answer is still the same... I guess she will not remember that this song is also been played at a shop when we go Illuma on 19th June... So fast is almost 4 months had passed with so many happy and unhappy times in between... time to move on... no point waiting for something
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)
Dreaming Of You
a post that came late...
A post that is meant to be uploaded on 6th September 2009..... I thought it will just remain as a draft and never meant to be uploaded... but in the end, it is meant to upload later and not never....
再见
我怕我没有机会
跟你说一声再见
因为也许就再也见不到你
明天我要离开
熟悉的地方和你
要分离我眼泪就掉下去
我会牢牢记住你的脸
我会珍惜你给的思念
这些日子在我心中永远都不会抹去
我不能答应你
我是否会再回来
不回头
不回头的走下去
再见
我怕我没有机会
跟你说一声再见
因为也许就再也见不到你
明天我要离开
熟悉的地方和你
要分离我眼泪就掉下去
我会牢牢记住你的脸
我会珍惜你给的思念
这些日子在我心中永远都不会抹去
我不能答应你
我是否会再回来
不回头
不回头的走下去
Saturday, October 10, 2009
一个人的精彩
那天醒来忽然想开
不愿再做等待的女孩
拿掉戒指扎起马尾
开始不再想你姿态
接受无奈承认失败
她才是你的爱
寂寞伴随自由色彩
迎面来
头发甩甩大步的走开
不怜悯心底小小悲哀
挥手bye-bye 祝你们愉快
我会
一个人活得精彩
也许明天我会选择
自己旅行不轻易恋爱
也许明天我会遇见
比你更适合的男孩
接受爱情自有安排
谁才是我的爱
不愿再做等待的女孩
拿掉戒指扎起马尾
开始不再想你姿态
接受无奈承认失败
她才是你的爱
寂寞伴随自由色彩
迎面来
头发甩甩大步的走开
不怜悯心底小小悲哀
挥手bye-bye 祝你们愉快
我会
一个人活得精彩
也许明天我会选择
自己旅行不轻易恋爱
也许明天我会遇见
比你更适合的男孩
接受爱情自有安排
谁才是我的爱
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finally.......
I thought today will be different but turn out is still the same, still nothing from her... I am tired... I had given her a lot chances, delaying my plans again and again... I guess I should wake up by now after numerous times of disappointment and hurt. Since he is the one that she feel is more suitable for her, I will respect her decision. From now on, I will not pressure her again... She is "free" to do anything she want... This blog most probably will be drawing it curtain soon...
No matter how unbearing or sad, I will not show it in front of anyone. I never thought that "the time" will come so soon. Initial plan is end of the year but maybe the recent happening "trigger" me to bring forward. To give up my 13th month which is coming in Dec, I never imagine I am so "noble"... As what her boss and others had told me, my future doesn't end here. Thinking back, a 40% increment in switching to this job and another 40% in 3 years here, this should prove my ability...
Partly why I like water so much is because I am just the same as it. Water can float a boat but it can also sunk it... I can put in 101% effort but I also can don't put in at all. All is depend if I see is it worthwhile. I believe as what her boss say "no one is indispensable" but to a certain extend, it will cause a certain "disruption" and earth will seem to be turning slower than usual.
Anyway, a few of the core team members are getting tired over here, maybe is time we go separately to search for greener pasture. What I am going to do everyday is to count the days till the final day come...
No matter how unbearing or sad, I will not show it in front of anyone. I never thought that "the time" will come so soon. Initial plan is end of the year but maybe the recent happening "trigger" me to bring forward. To give up my 13th month which is coming in Dec, I never imagine I am so "noble"... As what her boss and others had told me, my future doesn't end here. Thinking back, a 40% increment in switching to this job and another 40% in 3 years here, this should prove my ability...
Partly why I like water so much is because I am just the same as it. Water can float a boat but it can also sunk it... I can put in 101% effort but I also can don't put in at all. All is depend if I see is it worthwhile. I believe as what her boss say "no one is indispensable" but to a certain extend, it will cause a certain "disruption" and earth will seem to be turning slower than usual.
Anyway, a few of the core team members are getting tired over here, maybe is time we go separately to search for greener pasture. What I am going to do everyday is to count the days till the final day come...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tired.......
By now, I guess you should know I had fail to tender again. I don't know you are happy or sad to hear this. I am really not bluffing you. I had consider tendering. Then your boss sms me and somehow it had "pull" me back.
Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?
I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?
I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?
I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...
As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.
Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....
Today is your graduation. I can feel you are happily wearing the graduation gown getting your certificate. I wish I can "officially" go and see it but I know I am just a "nobody" that can only stay in the background. After getting your certificate, I guess next phase of your life has began. Will I get the chance to go through with you?
I really can't stand the thought of you and him still on close terms. Didn't you find I am more suitable for you, treat you better, a better future between us and love and dote you more? Do you consider love only when deciding which guy to be together? Love is something that will varies, maybe it will increase or decrease when time goes by. Or is there any other attracting factor of him that you didn't tell me? You may think I will hurt or disappoint you in future. If I say no now, this will be sweet talking. But I will try my best not to. I can confirm that my love for you is not a moment of impulse. If you think for whatever reason that I might reject you, why don't you ask me for my opinion? I am not like other guys that are superficial. If it is appearance issue that bother you, I can tell you your appearance is not the main factor that attract me. If you think leaving him now is like you had done him wrong, then you should remember how he break your heart that time. Is he that don't treasure you in the first place. Once something is done, it will remain as a fact that can't be erase no matter how. You told me he is important to you. Did you ever ask yourself why is he important to you and why you love him so much?
I had been looking at the past sms between you and me. You had been telling me that you want to tell me your thinking and in the end, you didn't do so. I know humans can't be compared but what he can do, I also can do and even better than him. Don't you think so too?
I had been deceiving myself. When you didn't reply me, I always tell myself that you are busy, you had missed the sms, you had forgotten to reply, you are asleep, handphone not with you. I also "believe" you will initiate to talk to me, just that I am always a step ahead of you. This morning, I try to deceive myself again that you are too happy to attend the ceremony and forgot my "existence", but I know the fact is not. Can you please tell me I am wrong? I don't know if he had go to the ceremony today, I wish he didn't. That might make you more disappointed of him. Or when you saw others boyfriends giving flowers to their girlfriends, I hope it will ignite your disappointment even more. That the selfishness of love...
As what I always say, no reply is the best reply. I am not foolish till I don't know what no reply means... You had said I am persisting something that I don't admit lost. Is not exactly I don't admit lost, but I am just trying to fight for my happiness or even yours. If your heart declare that I lost, then I had no other choice but to accept it sadly. Maybe if given last time, I might refuse to accept but after so much things happened, I guess I had to resign to my fate. Leaving has been a choice to me in the past but now it seem like I am been "forced" to go, either by the situation or the feelings in my heart. Even though is hard to believe, but I begin to accept that effort put in doesn't mean anything except my wishful thinking.
Don't you find it unusual why the recent posts I had been telling "you" instead as a third party "she"? And I had been telling my feeling and thinking? I am tired after trying for so hard and yet the result is still a mystery but I still had to hide my sadness in front of all people.... If you really is considering me, can we have dinner on this Saturday? You can also take it as I am celebrating your graduation. If cannot, never mind, I will get the meaning....
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Should I leave?
1 more day to her graduation. She must be very happy. Finally the day has come. As her boyfriend, I think he will be there to spend the memorable moment with her, presenting her flowers, arrange a venue for dinner to celebrate... That what I will do but sadly, I don't have the chance...
My hopeless seem to be increasing with the days went past... What should I do? Have I lost already? I don't know why but I just can't "tolerate" she and him still going on fine... Am I really can't replace him? If there is any difficulties or hardship, she can just tell me, I will face it with her...
Funny... Recently got people ask me to go clubbing. Not only one but two and is girls somemore... But I rejected. If it is she that asked, I will surely say yes. Don't know why, I find it pointless to do anything except with her around.
I feel the time has come... Got a feeling to tender today after I saw her and him still sms-ing... To me, she don't have the intention of giving him up... For me to make a decision is difficult, as my next job is an unknown. But for her to make a decision is not that hard, when she leave him, there is a "better" guy waiting for her. I just don't understand why....
My hopeless seem to be increasing with the days went past... What should I do? Have I lost already? I don't know why but I just can't "tolerate" she and him still going on fine... Am I really can't replace him? If there is any difficulties or hardship, she can just tell me, I will face it with her...
Funny... Recently got people ask me to go clubbing. Not only one but two and is girls somemore... But I rejected. If it is she that asked, I will surely say yes. Don't know why, I find it pointless to do anything except with her around.
I feel the time has come... Got a feeling to tender today after I saw her and him still sms-ing... To me, she don't have the intention of giving him up... For me to make a decision is difficult, as my next job is an unknown. But for her to make a decision is not that hard, when she leave him, there is a "better" guy waiting for her. I just don't understand why....
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
6th October
Feeling very different when waking up this morning. Not only I don't want to wake up but I hope this sleep can be forever. Maybe the daily event already make me very tired and I can't find any objective in carrying on this routine. As more time went past, I start to realise there are getting more that I can't understand. I don't know what I doing is correct or wrong. Why others without putting in much effort can get what they want? Why others not better than me can command better things? Why human are so complicated? Is only when gone then the truth will be out or it is never meant to be make known? Is getting what I want really so hard? Is it unachieveble no matter how hard I work towards it?
I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...
Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...
You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?
Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.
I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.
I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?
I know work is bothering you now. You afraid me and your boss will leave this site and this indirectly form a pressure on you. You also afraid you might unable to manage the site alone. I know how you feel as I also been through it when my superior left. If you willing to learn and be confident, you should be able to do it. Things might not be as bad.. Who knows all of us will still stay? Or I am the only one that leave? If that the case, I don't think it will have a big impact on you, just a little sadness and unbearing as another team member just left.. I know it is not as what I had thought but I rather see it that way as till today, I still don't know what exactly your thinking...
Sometime I am really frustrated for you dragging the issue. Is it really so hard to come to a decision? If you really don't have any special feeling for me, will you let a guy to be so close to you? Will you treat any other guy like how you treat me? Did you ever consider, maybe the love you had for him is not that deep. You just think you can't leave him and what will happen to him and how much hurt you done after you left. Did you ever ask yourself why you like him so much? What he had done or in what ways he attracted you? Attentive, caring, considerate, untrust, clubbing, filial, family man, flirting, disappointment, surprise, common interest, etc. I guess you also can't name much... Don't tell me you like him so much without any reason? Just like why you prefer A-mei to other singer... There always a reason...
You always told me you got many things to say but I never even heard you say once. Maybe after I left, I also no chance to hear.. When I talk on the topic, you just remain silent. Then when I pressure you more, you will say those that I don't like to hear and I don't know if it is your truthful words. You might think by keeping everything to yourself and suffer alone is very "noble", like in the drama.. But I tell you it is very foolish. You are just sacrificing your own chance and happiness and mine also. You told me you don't want to waste your boss effort, don't want me to sacrifice my career or anything. But all these is not important, I only want your answer and thinking. Can you think for yourself? Ask yourself what you really want? Don't you want to be pamper? Or you want to be with a guy that you can't totally trusted?
Sometime I really want to follow you go out with him. I want to see how he treat you, how your reaction to him, how happy are you and him. Given other couple, I think they already breakup after the guy commit mistake and even when back together, there will still be some "cracks" in between that can't be mended. Don't say about couples with "cracks", even those without, when a "better" 3rd party comes by, they will sometime sway by it. But I don't seem the same in you... You seem to "own" him a lot and have to "tolerate" everything.
I don't know when you want to talk. Sms and msn you about this, you will not reply. Talk to you directly, you also keep quiet. I really don't know what I should do.. You can still be so normal everytime after reading my blog. I think you just treat it as reading story, doesn't concern you at all.
I notice he also sms you times to times. I guess your relationship with him is same as last time, not affected by my existence. I am confident to say if I were to ask you to choose only one now, your choice will be him... By remaining silent, I know that your answer... What if I promise you there is only better and nothing will be worse than your current relationship, I will never do anything that will hurt you and will love you more than him, will you give me a chance to be together?
Monday, October 5, 2009
5th October
Is Monday again.... The beginning of the week is usually seem long especially when I am not looking forward to anything.. Maybe subconscious I already know we can't be together.... I just deceiving myself that I still got chance while waiting for the time to come.. Is that really the fact? Only she has the answer....
I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...
Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??
I decide not to ignore her again... Everytime I do that, it so unbearing and in the end I lost the chances to be together with her... I must treasure the time I still had in this office... Today I had been helping her in whatever I can and we went for lunch together... She know I do household chores and cook, does that attract her and choose to be with the "good" man? I don't think so... I can feel we are really happy together and her action also shows that she don't just treat me as a normal friend... Is it I really can't take over his place in her heart? We can be as happy everyday if we are together... But I think she still want to be with him... I don't blame her... I guess she think she will be in the "wrong" if she breakup with him now as he didn't commit any mistake now... Haiz... I think I should resign to my fate even though I really like her very much... Let it be... Just be happy with her like today till my last day I already satisfied... I really curious about their relationship, it must be very memorable to let her have so much love for him... I really envy of him... not putting in much effort but still can have such a "good" girlfriend...
Recently, her boss is more "weird"... She keep telling me this and that girl is good and I should consider... Am I really that good? If it is, why "she" don't want to be with me? I think if we can be together, her boss will surely be happy and give us her blessing as well as other colleagues that know us.. But she don't seem to want it that way... When going off, she seem to be in a rush, even her boss say so... But she declined she is going for a date when been asked.. She just say she is tired and wanted to go home... I try to think she is tired and partly she want to catch her favorite variety show but from my understanding of her, she don't seem to be the kind that will rush off for the above 2 reasons... So what is her main reason? I think is better to remain as it is as it might be something that I don't wish to hear...
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY SHE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME??
Sunday, October 4, 2009
29th August letter...
I had "accidentally" come across the soft copy of the letter that I had given you on 29th August.. I decided to upload it since it is also part of our memories... Maybe the original copy is already "long gone" from this world...
and the tickets....
and the tickets....
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