18th November

3 days of course over... Seem quite fast. The exam seem easy to me but I don't want to take it so easily as complacence is the sign for failure.

Having lunch at some where near the training centre. Got a feeling that is the environment she living in.. Those shops and markets... By now, I shouldn't have feel anything that is related to her... But why I still have the strange feeling?

Even though these few days I not in office, my site manager will still sms me at times... Maybe that is the bonding we share...

Haiz, time to prepare my resume.. That a sad thing for me but I still need to do it... If that the path destined for me, I shall jolly walk it...

16th November

My 1 week leave starting from today but I don't feel any special... Maybe is another tiring course that I am going to attend and after which, my value will increase again... Will the office be of any differences without my presence? I hope my site manager will not be "crippled" without me... Haha.

People can say 1001 things... How many can do it is a different story... Just like my site manager always say one team.. The team is big but the actual one team only consist of 4 persons... Maybe is due to the 3 is been together with the site manager for some time... It is easy to say but only action will tells... Even my manager agrees that...

Company throw me to a useless course... Almost all are workers from construction field... I think I am the highest qualification person to attend the course... Haha... Luckily is only a 3 day course.. If ask me to come to this "ulu" place everyday will be a nightmare... Looking at the map, if I am not wrong, this training centre is near to where she lived...

Others get call up for interview while I didn't, but I not in the least jealous... Because I know what I can experience now, I don't think I can get it outside...

14th November

Saturday again... Another week lesser towards D-day... It seem like even if I successfully been recruited, the environment will not be the same... But there is nothing I can do... Should I continue to stay and continue the job? Or I should just go to other place?

Today is the first time I having lunch with my site manager and her 3 daughters... Maybe they are still young, no much problems to bother, always full of laughter. But they are lucky to be in a "happy" family... not like me...

A good site manager can be patient and accept "mistakes" from her team. If it is me, I will also give chances but if the same mistakes still repeated... sorry then... As I believe small matters can't handled, big matters no need to say...

Sometime is best not to know the fact.. Just continue to be normal self and assume nothing going on... and don't expect there will be better "rewards" as do that person think he deserved it in the first place? I believe everything come with a price. If I set myself a certain price, I think I am worth that price. How good a person is not determine by that person itself but by others how they see it...

My friends asked me if I were to cross over and do I mind if someone have to be kicked out so I can feel the slot. My answer is other than my site manager, the rest is none of my business as this market is realistic. If that person choose not to have any links with me, then I don't need to consider...

11th November

A kind of sad feeling getting stronger as year coming to an end... I don't know if others feel the same but the 2 saddest person will be site manager and me. Maybe we had put in too much effort and personal feeling... I can foreseen everything will be changing.. the team will not be the same.. I can see site manager also wish that everything will be the same... especially the team that been with her for 3 years... the tacit bonding...

I guess I am the only one that under her and can talk about "confidential" stuff... We can still sms rubbish after going home... I wonder if there is still got this kind of manager exists in the market...

She had told me to continue to support other incoming manager IF she really not around... Others also tell me not to "abandon" them if their boss left... What should I do? It will be best if some company can just poach the tacit team over...

To be the devil or the angel will depend on how it goes... Let see if I have the ability to create a wave.... Haha...

I had been asking myself, is I have overlook the flaws in the first place or am I just been biased? Is none of the 2... There are no flaws in the first place, so how can I overlook? Just that there are too many ways of doing things... Different environment will have different type of persons... and is just too bad..... ...

I thought others will feel pity for my giving up but instead they are very supportive of my decision... Can I say I make the correct choice?

9th November

Not going out for lunch today and site manager help me to packet back... And I got an update for the latest news... Sad to say, it seem like everything is going to end... Haiz.... I don't know what the upper management is planning.. Since they want to try, just go ahead... I can be the angel that assist but I also can be the devil that wash my hands in everything.. I only work for this site manager, others came, not only me, but the others will also not be so "active".. everyone will just do their part and worst scenerio, we all got our respective backup plans...

I can say the working relationship between site manager and me is beyond boss and subordinate... But too bad... I can just keep my finger cross....

When doing something, one can see if that person is putting it heart in... Is it I am biased or I had over expected.... I think it is the latter after talking to so many people...

Another sad thing, my knee cap start to pain again... Maybe is true that sad things don't come alone...

7th November

Today had a long lunch with site manager... 2.5 hrs... We discuss on the topic again and our views... I wonder what is it like after she left... It will be a different world.... Although our way of working is similar but I just can't be as "kind hearted" as her.. can tolerate and find "reasons" for the failure after it has failed a few times... I believe there will be sacrifice in order to achieve something... is just a matter of how big the sacrifice is... If something can't be perform after I had done what I can, I will just be "cruel" to give up...

Different levels will have different opinions on the same thing... I told her a 3rd party view on certain thing and she seem to be surprise as she had thought opposite... But I guess she also agreed in the end....

I start to realise my "worth" in the team.. Even though I am away from the site, "they" request me to go back for lunch and at the same time help out in something... Is that what I should be proud of? Haha..

Can the "dream" office combination happen? I hope so...

3rd November

From been always together talking to the current speechless doing own stuff, I wonder will anyone notice the difference. There is nothing I can do beside resigning to it...

Although I had lost "something" but I can feel the things I gaining is more. Just like today, somehow I got the chance to meet the Hong Kong project team. I also start to "socialise" with other users. Maybe this is a step needed to reach my goal. But what make me happy is I know who is the person that site manager had brought up my name to. Best thing now will be that person just mention to the relevant party "I want him to be in the company". But if that person never mention also never mind, there will be a 2nd way for me to be made known to this company.

Looking at the appointment, I ask myself if I am "qualified" to hold it. Will I be too "immature" for that post? I think the answer is no. I might not be the best but definitely I am not the worst... To be so sure, I sure have my reasons.... Haha...

28th October - 2nd November

Sometime when a person ask for something, he must know does he have the ability to command it. If his head is not that big, then don't wear such a big hat.... Why force oneself to do something that the heart is not there... Others will also notice that it is not doing willingly... Don't just do for the sake of others... No matter how a person try to "perfect" a square into a circle, it still not a circle even though it is of curve edges... unless that person change the shape from it foundation...

I think my whereabout and things that related to my career will be going into a "mystery" stage from now on as I heard my name been mentioned by my site manager to another person.. I guess I just keep my finger cross for the time being... Not going to reveal any more info as I always like to take people by surprise... I believe I will get what I want soon...

A "wonderful" team is what others labeling to the current team I am in... Site manager "reminded" them don't expect the same from other sites... Hahahaa...

I believe in 因果. The effort I put in will reap back the harvest some day... My "用心" will not gone down to drain... Site manager had told me to endure for a while IF I can successfully crossed over and been posted to "other" site, she will try to "pull" me back... Maybe this is the fruit of my effort and an "assurance" from her...

I should not regret for things that happened but happy that it over.. Why should I regret when it is not me that on the losing side in the end? I should look forward and anticipate what is meant for me..

I thought I am biased but I realised I am not the only to have the same view.. Even the most unexpected person that I had thought would have that kind of opinion, also said it had noticed that... It really surprised me.... Not to say there is anything wrong but is just don't suit the way of the usual past...

Thinking back is really unpredictable... In the past, when site manager asked me to join her and others for lunch, I will reject.. But now is a 360 degree different... Eating together has become a routine... How long will this last?

Should I call it a coincidence? Due to something on, I had to leave earlier and site manager also leave around the same time... To others, it may seem that we had "arranged" to leave together.... But it will be boring if any one of us were to stay behind as usually is only both of us talking... Her 2 younger daughters also seem to be getting more familiar with me as I had saw and talk to them a few times...

Initially, site manager already had lunch appointment and I guessed I will be skipping lunch again... But somehow she asked me if I wanted to join her... Where to find such a manager that will think for those under her? I not sure if it is the same to others but to me, there is a certain degree of difference...

While watching channel 8 drama, I come across a phrase that I like. "If life is like a road, I will be the sports car that is driving at 100 km/h and pushing all the other cars behind." At the current stage, I think I am a car that haven't fully been utilised yet... Through exposure, experience and a good mechanic, I sure the car will performed better... I had met a good mechanic whom is willing to guide me and I am gaining more exposure through her.. I think it shouldn't be long that the car performance will increase... "In order to be successful, I need to command the respect of my subordinate." I think somehow I had done quite good in that area...

27th October

Today is a happening day.. Whole afternoon setting up for an event.. Organising event seem fun, maybe I had done that a few years back.. But if it is my full time job, I don't know if I am up to it..

I guess I should be able to hear some news soon.... Site manager show me her email stating that the account manager will be in contact with them soon... Will things still be the same if I cross over? Which site will I be posted to? Recently, my career seem to have a steep improve.. Is that my true working ability or am I suppressing it for too long? I only know I want to climb higher...

我曾经以为 最爱你的时候
我的眼泪可以像细水长流
流到我终于明白 属于我的不用哀求
感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个 继续难过的理由
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个放弃快乐的理由
Oh let me go 两个人都自由的结局
难道不是你梦寐以求 OH OH OH
难道是我主动要分手
太荒谬 你还不够

"属于我的不用哀求 感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋" So true.....

26th October

I thought it will be perfect if me and her can be together and at the same time my career goes a step further... But it didn't turns out as what I had thought... The only consolation is I can sense my career had gone further... I guess she still going on fine with him....

Suddenly I seem to "gain" a lot of trust from different parties.. They start to tell me more of their problems even though they are not my vendors.. Maybe this is what site manager had said "good relationship with vendor".. Next will be my soft skill with user... My working relationship with site manager seem to be go further as time went by... We can talk on any topic, work related or non related... I can feel there is quite a lot to learn from her... Tomorrow is another busy day... I guess I should be able to pick up one or two things...

25th October

Finally don't need to wake up so early today... These few days really tired... Every nights after updating this blog, my eyes will start to close...

Sometime I ask myself, if she were to choose me now, will I still be able to accept her? Even though I still got feelings for her... Maybe to me, once something had passed, you can't get back the same thing again... Just like a person can be very good to me but that doesn't mean I will forget it bad... Is that call realistic? Is it a good or bad thing?

Site manager yesterday ask me do I feel pity for missing the chance to be DSM due to the wrong info I received. She told me I should ask her how much the company is offering for that appointment instead of relying on the kid. I do feel a little pity but if I don't miss the chance, how will I know I am "qualified" for that post and the "popularity" I had in the team... I will take it as a blessing in disguise...

24th October

Lying on my bed listening to A-mei japanese song... I can imagine her emotion when listening to this song live... She will be very happy enjoying the song. But I will not be with her unlike the previous concert.

Now then I realise I had been "helping" her so much. It is pretty obvious after I start to "withdraw". Maybe I am too sensitive, she seem to be "isolating" from the team... It could be our attitude towards work and way of working is different in the first place. Given the current situation, I don't think my help is needed.

Today I then find out her boss don't know I had missed the chance to be DSM... Her boss told me I should had told her earlier, she will find ways to pull me in during that time.... Her boss feel pity that I had missed the first chance but she will try to help me in the second chance... But come to think of it, during that time, me and her boss is not so close, not even having meals together, so don't mention about talking "personal" stuff.

Maybe is all fated... Today work end unexpected late. And I overheard she seem to be meeting him. But I not going to be foolish to cover for her again. Some more her boss also ask me to go off with her. Her boss also suspect she got appointment but her boss don't want to ask me to stay. Maybe her boss also find that I had done beyond what is required. Somehow I feel that I can manage to persuade her boss to cross over... at least for short term... But currently, I don't have the intention.

I guess she must be thinking her previous site is better even though the exposure here is greater. Previous site, weekend going back to office is almost none, not to say staying for so late... Weekdays also don't need to stay so late... And last but not least, the management style over there suit her...

I can still remember when is the first time she had dressed like today since her arrival to this site. Does he also so attentive? Actually, all will be going on fine but too bad... Haiz...

22nd October

Seem like secrets between her boss and me is getting more... I think I am the only one beside her long time friends that she had told her "planning"... Now is just like as what her boss had said, 走一步，看一步... I can feel the tiredness increasing as time goes by.. Maybe is because I don't have anything to look forward to beside waiting for my 伯乐 to come... But I guess is soon since the switching over started to have news... Her boss had also told me she will try to help me cross over...

I better have the thinking of everything is over between me and her.... Don't want to hurt myself again.... I will be back to my normal self... An unpolished gem waiting to be discovered.... Even though how I wish to have that outcome, but I learn to let go.... It is her loss for not cherishing... She is not that good but I wonder why I like her... Maybe there will not be any answer.....

21st October

Is it really over between me and her? What a silly question I asking... Isn't the answer already out? It OVER... I shouldn't keep thinking that there is still chance. Let go is what I must do now...

Seem like knocking off together with her boss has become a habit. Her boss will ask if I were to knock off early but for others, she will just acknowledge.

What shall I do today? Nothing except waiting... Another guy had found his 伯乐... When will I find mine? Maybe once an oppounity is missed, it will not come knocking on the doors again... But 天无绝人之路, I just waiting for the time to come...

20th October

11 days passed... Her place in my heart haven't change... Have she give up on me already? Today she is sick. A few moments, I wanted to ask how she is.. Did she took any medicine? But it should be he to ask and not me...

Office doesn't seem any difference without her, and I am feeling "better" as I don't need to deliberate put on my "heartless" side, afraid that I will accidentally show my true side. I can be back to normal, have breakfast, "suaning", attend complaints, lunch, chatting, etc with her boss, no need to beware of anything. Think I need to change my leave planning again as her boss ask me to be around when she go overseas... Is that a compliment for my "importance"? I wonder will her boss say the same thing if others leave clash with her? Then her boss asked me why don't I go overseas together with her family.... What a joke...

I think I should "perfect" back my 3 principle, 快，狠，准 (efficient, resolute, accurate). Base on this, I think my working ability will improve... I thought I can also guide her along but I can't find the reason to do it now... If she want to take a step forward, I will be there for her... But I don't think she will want to... Anyway, according to what I and her boss had foreseen, last day of this year will most probably be the last day that we will be around... The usual new year party will become the farewell party for this year...

19th October

I think the only way to stop thinking of her is to leave... The whole day I can't stop thinking of her... what she is doing.. I roughly caught a glimpse on her checking on air ticket. First thing came to my mind is she is planning on a trip with him. But even that is the truth, I also don't have any right to stop. When she start to talk to me or message me, my thoughts will run wild again. Thinking I still got chance... But I know that not the truth... I will be "wake up" to face the reality again when I hear her sms tone during lunch hours and I know is from him. Why I can't just forget everything?

Sometime I just can't but believe in fate... An ex-couple ( X & Y) both meet their the other half and get married. Y never attend X wedding dinner and had no idea of where the venue is. But when Y get married, the venue chosen is the same and even the same ballroom. How to explain the coincidence beside fate? Just like me and her.. We both had feelings for each other but not fated to be together... I just had to resign to it...

Seem like getting a partner for me is a "major" concern for her boss. Occasionally her boss will bring up the issue again... Maybe her boss also notice my "good" side, will probably be a "good" boyfriend and husband and last but not least, my working ability even though we keep on bickering.. I think if me and her are together, her boss will be very happy... But too bad.... I am not the one she want...

18th October

因果，因果，有因才有果.. Do that really exist? I wonder what I had done to deserve this... I just want to find a suitable girl that can face everything with me, but it seem like it is hard.... All along I believe no one is perfect.. A person can't have the best of everything... My career might have passed with "flying colors" but in terms of love, I think I had failed... At this moment, I seem to have everything but short of "someone" to move on with me.... Maybe that is call fate...

Can she really forget about my existence? I can't... Does she still visit my blog everyday? How is she and him getting on? Still going on fine I guess... If every girls are like her that can't give up, I think there will not be so much breakup or divorce in the society... Maybe love is really a thing that can't be represent by value... Just like me and her... She can "gain" a lot of stuff if she had be with me but she rather choose him... That the fascination of love.... I hope she will not regret her decision...

I knew she is online... Even switching my msn to online, I also need to consider... I don't want her to be "distracted" by my online msn.. But maybe she will not be "distracted" at all, I guess she had given up on me totally... Only him in her heart.... But in my heart, I still hoping there will be a chance that one day, she will tell me that she had breakup with him and give me a chance...

I try to "force" myself to believe she is not that good... There are other girls out there that is much better than her... I can really be heartless towards her by ignoring her and minimise interaction with her. It is her loss for not cherishing me and one day, he will leave her for another girl.. But at the end of the day, I still can't make myself believe... I guess my love for her is too deep....

Magic show now... Is she watching?? Is a bit awkward if I remind her to watch now... I guess he will surely not reminding her as what I had done in the past.. Watching magic show is not his interest and he is not so attentive to her... Am I right?

The simplest shutdown...

The most simplest shutdown I had ever gone through is over. Going back this morning to ensure everything is back to normal.. Even though is simple, it is also another exposure to my experience.. Isn't life is like this? Adding pages to it as time goes by....

IF me and her is together, I guess today will not be as boring... Most probably at this time, I am outside with her.... No matter how I wish things to happen, I still can't forced it... I can put in 101% effort but that doesn't mean I will "win".. Is the same everywhere... All I can do is to keep my finger cross... Maybe he is really her 伯乐... Just like the song below

爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个最让你舍不得
感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的　她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的　虽然过去了
我们也都经历了
释怀教育著仇恨　和平劝著天下人
故事发生了便住下了　不管好的坏的
你让我成长了　就算是痛得值得
爱你的那一个　伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐

爱你的那一个　伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了　看看眼前的人
流泪记住了　还是微笑祝福著
伯乐

Up to now, I still asking myself why she want to be with him? If she had chosen me, it will surely be a "brighter and happier" future for her in terms of personal or career... But she want to choose otherwise... That nothing much I can do to change her answer I guess even though I really like her very much... But is there really no chance at all? Maybe by leaving will make me forget about her... What I can do now is to wait for the time to come... Maybe by then, the "consolation" is that I am not leaving alone....

17th October

Another day gone... Even today is public holiday but I still had to go to another site for power shutdown testing... Waking up in the morning with a headache... No choice but to take panadol and go to work.... Tomorrow had to go back to ensure everything is back to normal.. Sometime I think why I work so hard for?

Feeling very very tired... Thought going back home can rest but this idiotic home is full of nonsense... Then got this idiotic person thought she is "very great", everything she do is right, always creating problems with others... and worse, her thinking can't be changed... Why finding someone to understand me and sharing my feelings with is so hard? Am I really that inferior?

Today is Saturday again... I know she is with him and most probably staying at his house... But I don't feel as "negative" as in the past... Does that mean my heart had start to let go?

Our working style is different resulting in many feedbacks regarding her... I think it is pointless for me to continue to "assist" in her affairs... Since we can't go a step further, I think any unhappy or difficulties, she should counsel him or turn to him for support.... as he is the one she chosen....

Come across this song by Andy Lau.. I like the lyrics...
我我为你付出所有的
我的担心我的甜蜜我的呼吸
你的笑绝对的神奇你的哭绝对的可惜
因为你让我明白生命的真谛
可知道你的不小心会让我伤心一辈子
我是愿意为了你今生永不渝
为我你要好好自己保护自己
慢慢的学习不要干着急
一步一步走出每一个谷底坚定不移
为我你要好好自己保重身体
在每一段的路总会一身污泥
心肝宝贝不要怀疑最爱的就是你(最爱的是你)
你你是我一生的唯一
你的声音你的鼓励我的意义
如果没好好的身体
你我怎能永远在一起
外面的风和雨已不是问题
你永远是我的心肝,而我已不是你的宝贝
心肝宝贝

Cute sweets....