15th December

So fast, a week had passed since manager left... everything seem to be still going on fine... but I know I can't work smoothly... something seem to be "obstructing", maybe is because I can't really exercise what I am capable of...

The only difference now is I am "reporting" to another person in office... manager still in contact with me.. almost everyday... often meeting her for kopi break.. The new account manager seem quite ok to me... conversation with her had been increasing as days goes by..

After manager left, I released I had been holding my capability in the past... Should I fully unleashed it? The whole team seem to be within my control, can I perform as good as my manager?

8th December

Finally this day has come after talking for so long... I hate the feeling of parting but yet I had to experience again and again... Today my site manager finally left the place... the place where we spent 3+ years to setup, maintain... We often see people come and go and today is her turn.... I can feel many people can't bear her to go especially when I walk around the site with her the whole morning. I feel sad when she bidding goodbye to others... the past 3 years seem like gone so fast... watching the site from nothing to become operational office... Looking back, our bonding seem to get more close a few months back... I had somehow become her right hand man and her lunch partner... Anything we will confide to each other...

She had leave me a few tasks to follow up, but these tasks seem to be easy to me... I guess she also know that but due to some "issue", she is unable to let me handle others even though she know I am capable to do that.... too bad....

Somehow her "departure" had let my interaction with others increase... Is that a blessing in disguise??

I got a feeling that we will still be the same... just that we aren't meeting each other in office everyday but our sms and occasionally meeting for meals will still continue...

Her "last" lunch with me alone.. Should I feel honor? I guess I will receive new "updates" from her soon and I will be the only one in the office...

Last day of November

Site manager will be back the day after tomorrow... It seem so fast.. Maybe is partly due to the long weekend, which don't seem like one to me... as I had came back almost everyday. As she had told me to handle the conversion works and look after the daily happenings, I will fulfill her "request".

Seem like I getting more "popular" in the team. My "getting along" list is increasing. Is that a good sign?? Don't know and don't wish to crack my head... Just want to live everyday to it fullest before that day came...

I surprise site manager still remember me even though she on holiday... Receive her sms... That the bonding that we had...

23rd November

It has been some time since my last update. I should be free to do it since I on leave but something seem to keep me occupied... Recent happenings had made me and site manager more closer.. My interaction with her never seem to have a break... Even during my leave, she will leak what had happen in office... and as usual "suaning" each other in the end... Haha.

Is the path I walking is predestined? Everything seem to be interlink.. After so many twist and turn, it just lead the bonding between my site manager and me to be stronger. But I had to admit my luck is bad.. Measuring my ability with my salary is imbalance... The only consolation is someone recognise my ability...

I am the only one in the team that shared more "sensitive" issue with site manager. She had shared her thoughts with me which I don't want to say much... The environment that we had put in so much effort to "construct", will it still remain? But today, I know money is not that important to some of us. Only those that belong to the team will understand that... Site manager had told me not to be rush into any decision as it might have some "after effect"... Will see how...

19th November

I think I had become one of the regular lunch partner. Even on leave, I am also having lunch with her.

I remember a drama say before. "There is no good or bad emperor but if all the civilians want you to leave, there is no point to stay on. What for holding on the empire when no one is supporting."

Great show will be coming out soon. I will just play along since the director want it that way. Not I cruel but just to let others face the decision they made. At the same time, I can also test my value inside the chaos... Auto pilot? Hope it don't crash into the sea then...

Now I just keep my finger cross, hoping that discussed thing will happen... Leaving this boat and join another boat... Smaller never mind as long as the bonding can continue...

18th November

3 days of course over... Seem quite fast. The exam seem easy to me but I don't want to take it so easily as complacence is the sign for failure.

Having lunch at some where near the training centre. Got a feeling that is the environment she living in.. Those shops and markets... By now, I shouldn't have feel anything that is related to her... But why I still have the strange feeling?

Even though these few days I not in office, my site manager will still sms me at times... Maybe that is the bonding we share...

Haiz, time to prepare my resume.. That a sad thing for me but I still need to do it... If that the path destined for me, I shall jolly walk it...

16th November

My 1 week leave starting from today but I don't feel any special... Maybe is another tiring course that I am going to attend and after which, my value will increase again... Will the office be of any differences without my presence? I hope my site manager will not be "crippled" without me... Haha.

People can say 1001 things... How many can do it is a different story... Just like my site manager always say one team.. The team is big but the actual one team only consist of 4 persons... Maybe is due to the 3 is been together with the site manager for some time... It is easy to say but only action will tells... Even my manager agrees that...

Company throw me to a useless course... Almost all are workers from construction field... I think I am the highest qualification person to attend the course... Haha... Luckily is only a 3 day course.. If ask me to come to this "ulu" place everyday will be a nightmare... Looking at the map, if I am not wrong, this training centre is near to where she lived...

Others get call up for interview while I didn't, but I not in the least jealous... Because I know what I can experience now, I don't think I can get it outside...

14th November

Saturday again... Another week lesser towards D-day... It seem like even if I successfully been recruited, the environment will not be the same... But there is nothing I can do... Should I continue to stay and continue the job? Or I should just go to other place?

Today is the first time I having lunch with my site manager and her 3 daughters... Maybe they are still young, no much problems to bother, always full of laughter. But they are lucky to be in a "happy" family... not like me...

A good site manager can be patient and accept "mistakes" from her team. If it is me, I will also give chances but if the same mistakes still repeated... sorry then... As I believe small matters can't handled, big matters no need to say...

Sometime is best not to know the fact.. Just continue to be normal self and assume nothing going on... and don't expect there will be better "rewards" as do that person think he deserved it in the first place? I believe everything come with a price. If I set myself a certain price, I think I am worth that price. How good a person is not determine by that person itself but by others how they see it...

My friends asked me if I were to cross over and do I mind if someone have to be kicked out so I can feel the slot. My answer is other than my site manager, the rest is none of my business as this market is realistic. If that person choose not to have any links with me, then I don't need to consider...

11th November

A kind of sad feeling getting stronger as year coming to an end... I don't know if others feel the same but the 2 saddest person will be site manager and me. Maybe we had put in too much effort and personal feeling... I can foreseen everything will be changing.. the team will not be the same.. I can see site manager also wish that everything will be the same... especially the team that been with her for 3 years... the tacit bonding...

I guess I am the only one that under her and can talk about "confidential" stuff... We can still sms rubbish after going home... I wonder if there is still got this kind of manager exists in the market...

She had told me to continue to support other incoming manager IF she really not around... Others also tell me not to "abandon" them if their boss left... What should I do? It will be best if some company can just poach the tacit team over...

To be the devil or the angel will depend on how it goes... Let see if I have the ability to create a wave.... Haha...

I had been asking myself, is I have overlook the flaws in the first place or am I just been biased? Is none of the 2... There are no flaws in the first place, so how can I overlook? Just that there are too many ways of doing things... Different environment will have different type of persons... and is just too bad..... ...

I thought others will feel pity for my giving up but instead they are very supportive of my decision... Can I say I make the correct choice?

9th November

Not going out for lunch today and site manager help me to packet back... And I got an update for the latest news... Sad to say, it seem like everything is going to end... Haiz.... I don't know what the upper management is planning.. Since they want to try, just go ahead... I can be the angel that assist but I also can be the devil that wash my hands in everything.. I only work for this site manager, others came, not only me, but the others will also not be so "active".. everyone will just do their part and worst scenerio, we all got our respective backup plans...

I can say the working relationship between site manager and me is beyond boss and subordinate... But too bad... I can just keep my finger cross....

When doing something, one can see if that person is putting it heart in... Is it I am biased or I had over expected.... I think it is the latter after talking to so many people...

Another sad thing, my knee cap start to pain again... Maybe is true that sad things don't come alone...

7th November

Today had a long lunch with site manager... 2.5 hrs... We discuss on the topic again and our views... I wonder what is it like after she left... It will be a different world.... Although our way of working is similar but I just can't be as "kind hearted" as her.. can tolerate and find "reasons" for the failure after it has failed a few times... I believe there will be sacrifice in order to achieve something... is just a matter of how big the sacrifice is... If something can't be perform after I had done what I can, I will just be "cruel" to give up...

Different levels will have different opinions on the same thing... I told her a 3rd party view on certain thing and she seem to be surprise as she had thought opposite... But I guess she also agreed in the end....

I start to realise my "worth" in the team.. Even though I am away from the site, "they" request me to go back for lunch and at the same time help out in something... Is that what I should be proud of? Haha..

Can the "dream" office combination happen? I hope so...

3rd November

From been always together talking to the current speechless doing own stuff, I wonder will anyone notice the difference. There is nothing I can do beside resigning to it...

Although I had lost "something" but I can feel the things I gaining is more. Just like today, somehow I got the chance to meet the Hong Kong project team. I also start to "socialise" with other users. Maybe this is a step needed to reach my goal. But what make me happy is I know who is the person that site manager had brought up my name to. Best thing now will be that person just mention to the relevant party "I want him to be in the company". But if that person never mention also never mind, there will be a 2nd way for me to be made known to this company.

Looking at the appointment, I ask myself if I am "qualified" to hold it. Will I be too "immature" for that post? I think the answer is no. I might not be the best but definitely I am not the worst... To be so sure, I sure have my reasons.... Haha...

28th October - 2nd November

Sometime when a person ask for something, he must know does he have the ability to command it. If his head is not that big, then don't wear such a big hat.... Why force oneself to do something that the heart is not there... Others will also notice that it is not doing willingly... Don't just do for the sake of others... No matter how a person try to "perfect" a square into a circle, it still not a circle even though it is of curve edges... unless that person change the shape from it foundation...

I think my whereabout and things that related to my career will be going into a "mystery" stage from now on as I heard my name been mentioned by my site manager to another person.. I guess I just keep my finger cross for the time being... Not going to reveal any more info as I always like to take people by surprise... I believe I will get what I want soon...

A "wonderful" team is what others labeling to the current team I am in... Site manager "reminded" them don't expect the same from other sites... Hahahaa...

I believe in 因果. The effort I put in will reap back the harvest some day... My "用心" will not gone down to drain... Site manager had told me to endure for a while IF I can successfully crossed over and been posted to "other" site, she will try to "pull" me back... Maybe this is the fruit of my effort and an "assurance" from her...

I should not regret for things that happened but happy that it over.. Why should I regret when it is not me that on the losing side in the end? I should look forward and anticipate what is meant for me..

I thought I am biased but I realised I am not the only to have the same view.. Even the most unexpected person that I had thought would have that kind of opinion, also said it had noticed that... It really surprised me.... Not to say there is anything wrong but is just don't suit the way of the usual past...

Thinking back is really unpredictable... In the past, when site manager asked me to join her and others for lunch, I will reject.. But now is a 360 degree different... Eating together has become a routine... How long will this last?

Should I call it a coincidence? Due to something on, I had to leave earlier and site manager also leave around the same time... To others, it may seem that we had "arranged" to leave together.... But it will be boring if any one of us were to stay behind as usually is only both of us talking... Her 2 younger daughters also seem to be getting more familiar with me as I had saw and talk to them a few times...

Initially, site manager already had lunch appointment and I guessed I will be skipping lunch again... But somehow she asked me if I wanted to join her... Where to find such a manager that will think for those under her? I not sure if it is the same to others but to me, there is a certain degree of difference...

While watching channel 8 drama, I come across a phrase that I like. "If life is like a road, I will be the sports car that is driving at 100 km/h and pushing all the other cars behind." At the current stage, I think I am a car that haven't fully been utilised yet... Through exposure, experience and a good mechanic, I sure the car will performed better... I had met a good mechanic whom is willing to guide me and I am gaining more exposure through her.. I think it shouldn't be long that the car performance will increase... "In order to be successful, I need to command the respect of my subordinate." I think somehow I had done quite good in that area...

27th October

Today is a happening day.. Whole afternoon setting up for an event.. Organising event seem fun, maybe I had done that a few years back.. But if it is my full time job, I don't know if I am up to it..

I guess I should be able to hear some news soon.... Site manager show me her email stating that the account manager will be in contact with them soon... Will things still be the same if I cross over? Which site will I be posted to? Recently, my career seem to have a steep improve.. Is that my true working ability or am I suppressing it for too long? I only know I want to climb higher...

我曾经以为 最爱你的时候
我的眼泪可以像细水长流
流到我终于明白 属于我的不用哀求
感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个 继续难过的理由
Let me go Don't say no
给我一个放弃快乐的理由
Oh let me go 两个人都自由的结局
难道不是你梦寐以求 OH OH OH
难道是我主动要分手
太荒谬 你还不够

"属于我的不用哀求 感情不是拿来忍受 美丽即将变丑陋" So true.....

26th October

I thought it will be perfect if me and her can be together and at the same time my career goes a step further... But it didn't turns out as what I had thought... The only consolation is I can sense my career had gone further... I guess she still going on fine with him....

Suddenly I seem to "gain" a lot of trust from different parties.. They start to tell me more of their problems even though they are not my vendors.. Maybe this is what site manager had said "good relationship with vendor".. Next will be my soft skill with user... My working relationship with site manager seem to be go further as time went by... We can talk on any topic, work related or non related... I can feel there is quite a lot to learn from her... Tomorrow is another busy day... I guess I should be able to pick up one or two things...

25th October

Finally don't need to wake up so early today... These few days really tired... Every nights after updating this blog, my eyes will start to close...

Sometime I ask myself, if she were to choose me now, will I still be able to accept her? Even though I still got feelings for her... Maybe to me, once something had passed, you can't get back the same thing again... Just like a person can be very good to me but that doesn't mean I will forget it bad... Is that call realistic? Is it a good or bad thing?

Site manager yesterday ask me do I feel pity for missing the chance to be DSM due to the wrong info I received. She told me I should ask her how much the company is offering for that appointment instead of relying on the kid. I do feel a little pity but if I don't miss the chance, how will I know I am "qualified" for that post and the "popularity" I had in the team... I will take it as a blessing in disguise...

24th October

Lying on my bed listening to A-mei japanese song... I can imagine her emotion when listening to this song live... She will be very happy enjoying the song. But I will not be with her unlike the previous concert.

Now then I realise I had been "helping" her so much. It is pretty obvious after I start to "withdraw". Maybe I am too sensitive, she seem to be "isolating" from the team... It could be our attitude towards work and way of working is different in the first place. Given the current situation, I don't think my help is needed.

Today I then find out her boss don't know I had missed the chance to be DSM... Her boss told me I should had told her earlier, she will find ways to pull me in during that time.... Her boss feel pity that I had missed the first chance but she will try to help me in the second chance... But come to think of it, during that time, me and her boss is not so close, not even having meals together, so don't mention about talking "personal" stuff.

Maybe is all fated... Today work end unexpected late. And I overheard she seem to be meeting him. But I not going to be foolish to cover for her again. Some more her boss also ask me to go off with her. Her boss also suspect she got appointment but her boss don't want to ask me to stay. Maybe her boss also find that I had done beyond what is required. Somehow I feel that I can manage to persuade her boss to cross over... at least for short term... But currently, I don't have the intention.

I guess she must be thinking her previous site is better even though the exposure here is greater. Previous site, weekend going back to office is almost none, not to say staying for so late... Weekdays also don't need to stay so late... And last but not least, the management style over there suit her...

I can still remember when is the first time she had dressed like today since her arrival to this site. Does he also so attentive? Actually, all will be going on fine but too bad... Haiz...

22nd October

Seem like secrets between her boss and me is getting more... I think I am the only one beside her long time friends that she had told her "planning"... Now is just like as what her boss had said, 走一步，看一步... I can feel the tiredness increasing as time goes by.. Maybe is because I don't have anything to look forward to beside waiting for my 伯乐 to come... But I guess is soon since the switching over started to have news... Her boss had also told me she will try to help me cross over...

I better have the thinking of everything is over between me and her.... Don't want to hurt myself again.... I will be back to my normal self... An unpolished gem waiting to be discovered.... Even though how I wish to have that outcome, but I learn to let go.... It is her loss for not cherishing... She is not that good but I wonder why I like her... Maybe there will not be any answer.....

21st October

Is it really over between me and her? What a silly question I asking... Isn't the answer already out? It OVER... I shouldn't keep thinking that there is still chance. Let go is what I must do now...

Seem like knocking off together with her boss has become a habit. Her boss will ask if I were to knock off early but for others, she will just acknowledge.

What shall I do today? Nothing except waiting... Another guy had found his 伯乐... When will I find mine? Maybe once an oppounity is missed, it will not come knocking on the doors again... But 天无绝人之路, I just waiting for the time to come...

20th October

11 days passed... Her place in my heart haven't change... Have she give up on me already? Today she is sick. A few moments, I wanted to ask how she is.. Did she took any medicine? But it should be he to ask and not me...

Office doesn't seem any difference without her, and I am feeling "better" as I don't need to deliberate put on my "heartless" side, afraid that I will accidentally show my true side. I can be back to normal, have breakfast, "suaning", attend complaints, lunch, chatting, etc with her boss, no need to beware of anything. Think I need to change my leave planning again as her boss ask me to be around when she go overseas... Is that a compliment for my "importance"? I wonder will her boss say the same thing if others leave clash with her? Then her boss asked me why don't I go overseas together with her family.... What a joke...

I think I should "perfect" back my 3 principle, 快，狠，准 (efficient, resolute, accurate). Base on this, I think my working ability will improve... I thought I can also guide her along but I can't find the reason to do it now... If she want to take a step forward, I will be there for her... But I don't think she will want to... Anyway, according to what I and her boss had foreseen, last day of this year will most probably be the last day that we will be around... The usual new year party will become the farewell party for this year...